If perhaps you haven’t already heard, via the twenty-four hour news coverage, today is a Leap Day.
Here’s five reasons I dislike Leap Days.
5. A Leap Day screws up a perfectly good month with the perfect amount of days. Seven days in a week + four weeks in a month = twenty-eight days. See how precise and uncomplicated that is? And I don’t even have OCD. I think all the months should have twenty-eight days, then the seasons wouldn’t always be in the same months. And I don’t even have OCD. Some years Christmas would be cold and snowy, other years you could hang out on the beach in a speedo sipping a strawberry daiquiri. Not that I wear speedos and drink strawberry daiquiris, but, you know, other people might. Each month would start on a Sunday and end on a Saturday. And I don’t even have OCD. Plus, then us people who don’t have OCD wouldn’t have to sing that stupid “30 days hath September” song just to remember whether we’re in a new month or not.
4. There’s a lot of talk about frogs on a Leap Day and I don’t particularly like frogs. Well, except for Kermit, he was pretty cool the way he could belt out a tune as smooth as silk and make the ladies swoon… and Frog from the “Frog and Toad” books. I loved those books and Frog was always so organized and calm and collected and proper. Toad on the other hand, a goddamn train wreck, always losing stuff and forgetting things… and I can’t forget Judy the Frog from H.R. Pufnstuf, sure she was a secondary character, but she was always so happy and dancing around and making little kids smile… oh yeah, and the frog in the Frogger video game, that dude was the bomb, running all around the video screen in the eighties arcades… and Michigan J. Frog with his tuxedo and great top-hat, dancing and singing like Frank Sinatra… oh, and how about Keroppi the Frog, from the Hello Kitty series, he was so damn cute… and I can’t leave out Froggy the Gremlin from the Buster Brown show, sure a little creepy, but another smashingly well dressed frog… yeah, but for the most part I really don’t like frogs.
3. Apparently Leap Day is a day when it is considered acceptable for women to romantically pursue men. Now believe me, I think that’s great, a day set aside just for women to romantically pursue men. In fact, I think women should have the right to romantically pursue men any day of the year, Leap Year or not. But a lot of women choose to wait for a Leap Day, so I have to spend the entire day gently turning down the legions of women that think its acceptable to be romantically pursuing me.
2. Leap Day is just another one of the many holiday’s during the year that I have to remember to shower my wife with love and flowers and gifts and jewelry and candles and wine and chocolates… and frankly, it’s hard to remember all of those days. Wait… what… other women aren’t getting showered with love and flowers and gifts and jewelry and candles and wine and chocolates on Leap Day? Oh… ummm… well, sorry I brought that up.
and the number one reason I dislike Leap Days…
1. It’s just one more day in the year that I have to be sorely disappointed that I haven’t become famous yet.
Filed under Uncategorized
You know what I’ve often wondered?
You see, I’ve often wondered if my readers might think I have a split personality disorder. Why you ask? Well, because of the way I can go from one day writing such astonishingly touching posts and the most beautiful, passionate and spiritual love poems and songs worthy of hallmark cards… or beautiful and profound posts about my family and my amazingly blessed and fulfilling life… or charming stories written to enlighten the young people of our world, the future adults and leaders of our society… to the next day writing satirical, profanity laced rants and tirades, about booze and sex and debauchery, and egotistical diatribes about how fucking awesome and handsome I am… posts that are true, but also so incredibly funny that they really should be noticed by the producers of Saturday Night Live or at the very least Mad Magazine. It makes me wonder if perhaps people think there is some kind of a split personality disorder going on here, you know, the way I can just switch it on and off… from one to the other, almost like its two different writers.
We’ll I’m here to set the record straight. Listen up because this is very important and I want to be sure that I make this very clear to all my loyal and valued readers.
FIRST OF ALL, let me state emphatically that, except for the occasional guest post, good or bad, I am responsible for all of the writing at the Brown Road Chronicles.
And SECONDLY, let me state even more emphatically… I mean, like really fucking emphatically… that I have never been formally diagnosed with a split personality disorder.
In fact… and let’s be absolutely clear here… I am a very level-headed person, very calm, cool and collected and I am entirely passionate about life and love and being a helpful, caring and respected member of my community, and about humanity in general. That’s right, humanity… sometimes that’s all that is important to me, the state of humanity… and compassion too… sometimes I just live and breathe compassion. You see, that side of me that you sometimes see in my blog, the one who drinks and swears and is obnoxious and who thinks he’s so incredibly handsome and who thinks he’s God’s gift to earth… I mean, sure I admit I’m not a church go-er… but that other guy, well, that’s just a fictional character that I portray… for the ratings… or in this case the stats.
So, I just want to be sure that’s clear that I’m not really like that. I mean, just because I have a mirror or two in every single room of the house, doesn’t mean I walk around the house looking at myself all the time to make sure my hair is perfect, and I’ve never looked in any of those mirrors and said “dude, you are so fucking good-looking I can’t stand it” or anything even remotely close to that. And no I don’t imbibe all the time like a drunken sailor and there’s no way I would ever have gotten so drunk this past New Year’s Eve and thrown up in my wife’s van. That’s just not me. I especially don’t spend hours upon hours re-reading my funny posts over and over and over… and over again thinking my blog is the greatest blog in the world and should have ten times the numbers of readers that I already have. That’s all just fiction, a ruse, a gimmick, a ploy to move my blog forward as one of the leading WordPress blogs out there. That’s all it is… just business… because if I can get my blog to a level of national prominence, then I can use its stature combined with my incredible handsomeness and charm, to make a profound difference in the world. That’s all I really want… to be able to make a difference in the world and be recognized for the caring, loving, compassionate person that I really am.
So no, don’t be concerned… you can rest assured… I have never been formally diagnosed with a split personality disorder. I mean seriously, why the fuck would you think that anyway, that I have some kind of a split personality disorder? Really, who the fuck gave you the right to offer up a pig-headed, asinine opinion like that? Do you think that’s funny? Do you sit around your house singing “ha ha ha, Steve’s got a split personality disorder, Steve’s got a split personality disorder.” Well I don’t think that’s funny. In fact, I think you’re an asshole for thinking up something like that. I mean, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you… and what the fuck is wrong with wanting to capitalize on my stunning good looks and charming personality for power and financial gain? You don’t like it? Well, that’s not my goddamn problem. And so what if it’s all about… me, me, me… and me feeling good about myself by having lots of readers and a stats page that is cranking out hits like the fucking New York Yankees. What, you don’t like the fucking New York Yankees… well, what the fuck do you know anyway.
Anyhow, I just wanted to be sure you all understood that I really am a sweet, caring, likeable guy who is so totally indebted to and appreciative of all of you wonderful loyal readers. Thanks for being the most wonderful blogging friends a guy could have.
And let me reiterate one more time here… I have never been formally diagnosed with a split personality disorder.
Filed under Uncategorized
I am writing today to make you aware of a very serious issue that needs to be addressed in a most prudent fashion. At my own personal and financial risk I have decided to take the lead on this issue because I think, ultimately the world will be a better place if we can eliminate the rampant discrimination, elitism and stereotyping that currently exists in our society.
Let me begin by introducing you to my World-Famous Goats. This is Naughty and Heath.
The World Famous Goats, Naughty (L) and Heath (R). Naughty does actually have legs, he is just lying down next to a tree.
Now, most of you who are reading, being educated and worldly types, are probably aware that goats have historically held an extremely distinguished and respected stature, beginning with the ancient Greeks and the half goat/half man Greek God Pan.
The Greek God Pan. Not sure who the guy is next to him, but clearly they have hit it off as they both have their pants off.
As you can see in this statue Pan was a beautiful, mythological creature with stunning goat features such as a bearded face and horns, furry goats legs and a great penis, which is important when it comes to earning respect and reverence throughout the ages. For thousands of years since, goats and their ilk, such as the storied Greek Satyrs have lived and been represented with the esteem and honor deserved of such mythic and fabled creatures.
Totally Ripped Satyr Goat/Man with hairy chest and dual horns.
Totally HOT Satyr Goat/Woman. If my goats looked like this I might never leave the barn.
Now because my goats were adopted they didn’t come with any paperwork but I am entirely confident in the assumption that somewhere down the line they have some royal and mythological lineage. I’m here to make sure that they live in a world that respects that lineage.
My issue is this:
It has come to my attention that in the last forty to fifty years there has been a disturbing and sickening movement, whereas goats are being unfairly portrayed as some kind of banjo playing, ass-backwards, hayseed, hillbilly creatures. This is a travesty that needs to be brought to light before any more damage is done. After thoroughly studying this subject, I have discovered that this trend apparently was started by an iconic American cereal company, the Kellogg’s Corporation, with the release of a brand of cereal in the 1960s.
Would you feed this disgusting, atrocious, banjo-spewing filth to your kids?
This cereal, called Kellogg’s Stars, was represented by a mascot that was a hillbilly goat, wearing suspenders and some kind of vile, hobo style hat on his head. Yes, you are reading that correctly! Apparently, the marketing department at Kellogg’s believed it a good idea to utterly disrespect the Greek God Pan, with his great penis, by putting a hillbilly goat on a cereal box! Disgusting! Now I’m a big fan of Kellogg’s and I’d eat Frosted Flakes or Froot Loops all day long if I could, but I find this elitism and stereotypical portrayal reprehensible.
Since the release of this cereal, this tendency to stereotype goats as hillbillies has reached crisis levels. Please review the following examples:
Harmless Goat in Flannel Wife-Beater with Billy-Bob Teeth
1. This is an image of an innocent, harmless goat, wearing not only a flannel, wife-beater shirt, but a pair of Chinese-import, imitation Billy-Bob teeth in his mouth. Seriously… someone thought this was funny? I find it repugnant! Now this is surely a staged photograph but it is still horribly distressing to me that anyone would portray such a mythical creature in such an obscene way.
Hillbilly Goat Costume
2. This is a disgusting, reprehensible Halloween costume that you can buy if you want to continue to violate and disrespect honorable goats around the world and dress as a hillbilly goat for trick-or-treating. Seriously… someone thought this was a good idea? Well I find it offensive and shameful and I would suggest that a trick-or-treater would receive significantly more candy on Halloween dressed as the Greek God Pan with his great penis.
3. All of this was recently culminated in the film Hoodwinked, which has a singing, banjo-playing goat character named Japeth in it that sings “The Goat Song”. You can view snippets of this video on the internet, but there are all kinds of copyright violations involved and because this is a serious issue where my reputation is involved, I don’t want to risk damaging the progress and successes we have begun to reap.
Okay… so admittedly its pretty funny, but I still don’t think it’s right.
Japeth, the goat from Hoodwinked.
There are, of course, thousands of other examples, but as you can see, this unrestrained, wretched stereotyping of goats has become widespread and problematic. As a conscious citizen and goat-owner, I feel it my civic duty to take on this challenge and to attempt to correct the wrongs that have been cast on good, wholesome, mythological goats during this last half century.
As a start I have enlisted the assistance of a highly reputable organization that has experience in these issues.
This is the contact information if you’d like to make a donation to the cause. As payment they will accept cash, credit cards, moonshine and roadkill.
C.L.E.T.U.S.
Consortium for Legitamacy and Equity Towards Ungulate Species.
http://www.cletus.org
Thanks for your support. I hope you’ll join me in this fight!
Filed under Uncategorized
The Brown Road Chronicles 