Thinkin’ I should turn this into an audio blog… 🙂
The original post here if you want to read along!
Thinkin’ I should turn this into an audio blog… 🙂
The original post here if you want to read along!
This is the tale of Billy O’Hill.
Who lived all his life in the town of Saville.
In a lil ‘ol cabin, he’d made his abode.
At the end of the dirtiest, dirty, dirt road.
Now Billy O’Hill had been married a time.
To a girl named Pearl, a lady sublime.
But Pearl’d got sick, dun gone up to heaven.
Ten long years ago, or maybe eleven.
So he kept to hisself, stayed mostly alone.
‘Cept for his pooch who he called Al Capone.
And a few of his friends that he’d see now’n then.
Down at the coffee shop now’n again.
The Hill Top Cafe is what it been named.
Cornbread and Johnny Cakes what they was famed.
They’d sit there fer hours not talkin’ ‘bout much.
‘Cept for some gossip and weather and such.
And on his way yonder he’d pass by the house.
Of the purtiest lady, as cute as a mouse.
She’d sit on her porch, a-sippin’ her tea.
In the shade of a giant magnolia tree.
See Billy O’Hill had a crush on this lady.
A purty ol’ girl named Myrtle O’Grady.
She lived in a house in the center of town.
Where them wealthy folks lived, the rich and renown.
But he never could git up the nerve to suggest,
“Wouldya meet me for coffee, I’d surely be blessed?”
‘Cuz what would a girl so swanky and chic,
See in a guy “from the hills”, so to speak?
So Billy would wave as he briskly walked by.
He wouldn’t say nuthin’, cuz he was right shy.
When Myrtle would smile her purtiest smile.
Billy’d be floatin’ on air for awhile.
Then one day he asked for some friendly advice.
From his closest of friends, named Earl Versluice.
‘Cuz everyone privy knew Earl could charm.
Like a rooster that woos all them hens on a farm.
Now Earl had fetchin’ advice to impart.
“The stomach’s the way to a good woman’s heart!”
“Let’s throw a party like we used to do.”
“Invite all our friends, we’ll serve roadkill stew.”
“Every-un brings somethin’ fresh that they’ve found.”
“From the side of the road, just plain dead on the ground.”
“Squirrel or coon or rabbit or beaver.”
“We’ll slice ‘em all up with a very large cleaver!”
“We’ll mix in some collards and veggies and rice.”
“Add in some ‘shine to give it some spice.”
“We’ll invite Ms. O’Grady to join us that day.”
“Then you can dun meet her, whatdaya say?”
So Billy went home, started makin’ a list.
Of who’d be invited and who could be missed.
At the end of the list he penned really neat.
“Myrtle O’Grady”, the list was complete.
He wrote out the invites, said R.S.V.P.
We’re throwin’ a party on Sunday ‘bout three.
We’ll serve roadkill stew and plenty-a ‘shine.
I’ll break outta jug of my dandelion wine.
Then he mailed ‘em all out and dun prayed for the best.
Would Myrtle O’Grady show up for this fest?
When the day dun arrived, his friends all came through.
They’d all brung some roadkill to add to the stew.
Ms. Blossom brung possum…
June brung raccoon…
Mr. Monk brung a skunk…
Mr. Babbitt brung rabbit…
Jake brung some snake…
Mr. Weaver brung Beaver…
And his best friend Earl? Well, Earl, he dun brung lots of Squirrel…
Then Myrtle arrived and the place got real quiet.
What had she brung, would anyone try it?
Every’un watched as she walked through the door.
She carried a bag from a fancy clothes store!
She handed that bag to Billy O’Hill.
Who opened ‘er up with the most gracious skill.
And Billy looked in and dun said with a grin.
I reckon Ms. Myrtle O’Grady fits in!
Well… Myrtle… she brung Turtle.
In fact… she dun brung the freshest, most purtiest turtle, bigger’n any of ’em had ever seen!
So they cooked up the stew ‘n that party was grand!
And Billy’n Myrtle hit it off just as planned.
And the rest be dun history, them guests they all knew.
That Billy and Myrtle fell in love over stew!
Listen to the Audio Version!
I am writing today to make you aware of a very serious issue that needs to be addressed in a most prudent fashion. At my own personal and financial risk I have decided to take the lead on this issue because I think, ultimately the world will be a better place if we can eliminate the rampant discrimination, elitism and stereotyping that currently exists in our society.
Let me begin by introducing you to my World-Famous Goats. This is Naughty and Heath.
Now, most of you who are reading, being educated and worldly types, are probably aware that goats have historically held an extremely distinguished and respected stature, beginning with the ancient Greeks and the half goat/half man Greek God Pan.
As you can see in this statue Pan was a beautiful, mythological creature with stunning goat features such as a bearded face and horns, furry goats legs and a great penis, which is important when it comes to earning respect and reverence throughout the ages. For thousands of years since, goats and their ilk, such as the storied Greek Satyrs have lived and been represented with the esteem and honor deserved of such mythic and fabled creatures.
Now because my goats were adopted they didn’t come with any paperwork but I am entirely confident in the assumption that somewhere down the line they have some royal and mythological lineage. I’m here to make sure that they live in a world that respects that lineage.
My issue is this:
It has come to my attention that in the last forty to fifty years there has been a disturbing and sickening movement, whereas goats are being unfairly portrayed as some kind of banjo playing, ass-backwards, hayseed, hillbilly creatures. This is a travesty that needs to be brought to light before any more damage is done. After thoroughly studying this subject, I have discovered that this trend apparently was started by an iconic American cereal company, the Kellogg’s Corporation, with the release of a brand of cereal in the 1960s.
This cereal, called Kellogg’s Stars, was represented by a mascot that was a hillbilly goat, wearing suspenders and some kind of vile, hobo style hat on his head. Yes, you are reading that correctly! Apparently, the marketing department at Kellogg’s believed it a good idea to utterly disrespect the Greek God Pan, with his great penis, by putting a hillbilly goat on a cereal box! Disgusting! Now I’m a big fan of Kellogg’s and I’d eat Frosted Flakes or Froot Loops all day long if I could, but I find this elitism and stereotypical portrayal reprehensible.
Since the release of this cereal, this tendency to stereotype goats as hillbillies has reached crisis levels. Please review the following examples:
1. This is an image of an innocent, harmless goat, wearing not only a flannel, wife-beater shirt, but a pair of Chinese-import, imitation Billy-Bob teeth in his mouth. Seriously… someone thought this was funny? I find it repugnant! Now this is surely a staged photograph but it is still horribly distressing to me that anyone would portray such a mythical creature in such an obscene way.
2. This is a disgusting, reprehensible Halloween costume that you can buy if you want to continue to violate and disrespect honorable goats around the world and dress as a hillbilly goat for trick-or-treating. Seriously… someone thought this was a good idea? Well I find it offensive and shameful and I would suggest that a trick-or-treater would receive significantly more candy on Halloween dressed as the Greek God Pan with his great penis.
3. All of this was recently culminated in the film Hoodwinked, which has a singing, banjo-playing goat character named Japeth in it that sings “The Goat Song”. You can view snippets of this video on the internet, but there are all kinds of copyright violations involved and because this is a serious issue where my reputation is involved, I don’t want to risk damaging the progress and successes we have begun to reap.
Okay… so admittedly its pretty funny, but I still don’t think it’s right.
There are, of course, thousands of other examples, but as you can see, this unrestrained, wretched stereotyping of goats has become widespread and problematic. As a conscious citizen and goat-owner, I feel it my civic duty to take on this challenge and to attempt to correct the wrongs that have been cast on good, wholesome, mythological goats during this last half century.
As a start I have enlisted the assistance of a highly reputable organization that has experience in these issues.
This is the contact information if you’d like to make a donation to the cause. As payment they will accept cash, credit cards, moonshine and roadkill.
Consortium for Legitamacy and Equity Towards Ungulate Species.
Thanks for your support. I hope you’ll join me in this fight!
Yesterday afternoon I left work early and picked up my son at school because we had to get to a Cub Scout meeting in the evening. As many of you read I had been feeling a little Thoreau-ish during the day, so I was happy to skip out early and get to hang with my kid for the evening. Being a Cub Scout leader is one of those activities that one minute I am complaining about the responsibility, the next minute I am loving it and feeling great about what I am doing for these boys. “Saving the world one kid at a time” I like to say.
Anyhow, about 5:00 p.m. he starts getting changed up. I had already thrown on my uniform but he was still in his school clothes, a pair of black pants and a striped long-sleeve t-shirt. Although these particular pants were now “school clothes”, they had originally been purchased early this past fall for a school play that he was performing in. They were a little dressier than the ripped jeans he is usually wearing, but already getting a little worn down from the wear and tear of a 10-year-old kid. As they were too long at the time they were purchased, and we were probably getting the whole play uniform assembled about one hour before the curtain was to open, my wife hemmed them up as best as either of us non-seamstresses is able… i.e. that means folding the whole extra length inward into the leg of the pant and hemming around the bottom so the excess wouldn’t fall back out. What that meant of course is every time he stuck his foot into the pant leg it would get all caught up in the extra fabric inside and he would complain about wearing these pants.
So, here we are getting ready for our meeting. I handed him his scout shirt to put on and asked if he wanted to wear the black pants or just throw on a pair of jeans instead.
HIM: “I’ll wear these (the black ones), they’re okay now, they’re hillbilly pants.”
ME: (laughing) “What? They’re hillbilly pants?”
HIM: “Yeah, Mom cut all the extra fabric out of them and now they have extra strings and stuff hanging out around the bottoms so they’re heeel…beeely pants!”
I’m not quite sure what to think about this… not only him using one of my favorite “country” words, but about him being excited about wearing what he so proudly called heeel…beeely pants.
I just know I love that kid… he dun make me happier than a coon dog on a bare leg!
But I think this country livin’ might be gettin’ to him!