What kind of Sexual are you?

Disclaimer: This is not a post about SEX. If you arrived here looking for a post about SEX, I’m sorry you’ll have to look elsewhere. But please be sure you subscribe to my blog first.

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Lately I’ve been trying to figure out what kind of sexual I am. I’m not talking Heterosexual or Homosexual or Bisexual or even Asexual. I’m talking about these vague terms that describe the way we men-folk look and dress. Have you noticed, more and more frequently, there seems to be popping up (pun intended), lots of ways to describe men as “________sexual”.

Terms like Metrosexual and Ubersexual.

So I set out to do some research on what kind of sexual I am. I’ve often joked on this site about being a little bit Metrosexual. My nickname amongst my group of friends is “Metro” so I guess maybe I show some signs of fitting that bill. In small town Michigan I probably am a little bit Metrosexual. Put me in Manhattan and I’d probably be labeled frumpy.

metrosexual

Exhibit A: Metrosexual

According to Dictionary.com Metrosexual is defined as:

A heterosexual, usually urban male who pays much attention to his personal appearance and cultivates an upscale lifestyle.

Okay, that sort of works. I am heterosexual and I do often pay attention to my personal appearance as evidenced by the amount of hair product I go through every year. But I’m not really an urban male although I was for a little while many years ago. I guess sometimes I try to cultivate an upscale lifestyle although mostly I prefer my simple small-town lifestyle.

Maybe I’m more of a displaced Metrosexual, more of a Pastoralsexual.

I went looking for other possibilities and came across the category of men-folk classified as Ubersexual.

According to Dictionary.com Ubersexual is defined as:

A man who exhibits traditional masculine qualities as well as the caring nature of the New Man.

Huh?!? What does that even mean?!? I moved on.

Upon further research I discovered that a few months ago the category of men-folk classified as Lumbersexual started to become part of the vernacular. Now granted, how the terms “lumber” and “sexual” fit together is a stretch to most of us unless you want to make lots of jokes about hardwood. But I checked it out and it’s such a new concept that the term does not yet appear in any Dictionary.

But I found this tidbit on Gawker.com

To facilitate an easy discussion, it might help you to think of a Lumbersexual as a foil to the Metrosexual, the alleged nadir of masculinity from last decade. So, instead of slim-legged pants, envision pants with a little extra leg room (see: “regular cut”). Rather than be clean-shaven, the Lumbersexual has an unkempt beard. The Metrosexual is clean and pretty and well-groomed; the Lumbersexual spends the same amount of money, but looks filthy. Sartorially speaking, a Lumbersexual is a delicate tri-blend of L.L. Bean, Timberlake, and Sears.

Okay I thought, that sounds pretty good. Kind of a more rugged and manly metrosexual, an LL Bean type, who is allowed at times to be filthy. That sounded like it might be right up my alley, so I tried it out for a bit.

Lumbersexual

Exhibit B: Lumbersexual

It was all going great, I was feeling manly and filthy and lumbery.

Then one day a couple of weeks ago, I read about a new kind of man-folk called a Spornosexual, another exciting breed of masculinity sprung from the roots of the Metrosexual, and named from a combination of the words “sports” and “porno” and “sexual”.

Esquire Magazine described a Spornosexual as this, while referencing Brad Pitt’s appearance in the movie Fight Club:

The spornosexual is a more extreme breed of man than his metro forebear. He is just as plucked, tanned and moisturised, but leaner, buffer, more jacked and obsessed not just with “looking good” in the abstract, but with the actual physical proportions of his frame: the striation of his abs, the vascularity of his biceps, the definition of his calves.

WOW! That sounded exciting. Lean, buff, jacked, and looking good with striated abs and vascular biceps, whatever that stuff means. So I ripped off the heavy flannel shirt, took three showers to clean off all the accumulated filth, shaved the beard and started working out, three, four, sometimes five times a day. I’d finally found my calling. I was gonna be a “Spornosexual”.

Spornosexual

Exhibit C: Spornosexual

I had done it, I had found the kind of man-folk I wanted to be. I felt good, like Brad Pitt in Fight Club.

But then it all came crashing down. I was burnt out from trying to be something I wasn’t. I just wanted to just be a regular guy again, a husband, a Dad, a friend and a blogger. I wasn’t a Spornosexual or a Lumbersexual or a Ubersexual or even a Metrosexual.

I just wanted to be a regular guy. Because who needs labels anyway?

So, that’s what I did.

And you have to admit, there’s something sexy about that!

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41 Comments

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41 responses to “What kind of Sexual are you?

  1. Is there blogosexual? Because that might be you.

  2. You have raised some good questions and provided a even better answer.
    Labels—Meh!

  3. What about ” Iwanttosingosexual “

  4. Really funny (please let us know if your stats go bonkers with this…and maybe spam. With that title, you should get the hits…Sounds like a quiz – got to be a quiz!)

  5. I had no idea we were all surrounded by such diversity in men-sexuals! I will be looking at men differently now and labeling them at first sight! The pics really helped me visualize your descriptions. LOL. 🙂

  6. I totally only read this for informational purposes.

    Also, the word ‘nadir’ is entirely under-utilized. We should change that.

    Nadir, nadir, nadir…

  7. You’re more a photoshopsexual. As evidenced by those amazingly realistic photos. *grin*

  8. It was only a matter of time that the bizarro world of fashion and labeling of women would eventually get to men – it’s the only way retailers can expand the market.
    Why does the metrosexual look like he stepped off the set of Miami Vice? They’re not even trying to come up with new styles for you guys!

  9. This morning, I got the length of my tie perfect on the first try, and I knew that would be the highlight of my day. What does that make me?

  10. According to my daughter… a metrosexual is a man who likes women AND their hair care products. Leave it to the youngun’s to simplify things.

    Thanks for the giggle.

  11. You are hilarious! Love your photos. Maybe you could begin a new term. Fashionistasexual.

  12. I nearly spit out my hot cocoa when I saw the lumbersexual one. Too bad not a single man in this state looks even remotely like that! Picture a cross between Stephen King and our governor and you get the idea….

  13. I’ll take Door #4 and What is a “His-bottom-shirt-can-still-button-and-he-voluntarily-does-half-the-housework-without-considering-it-helping-sexual”, Alex.

    Cute post. You can rock the lumbersexual look, once the beemistress recovers her misplaced swarm from your face. Next time, leave the honey you find in those chopped trees to the bears.

  14. Is baldosexual a thing? If not, I’m starting it right now. Can you trademark a kind of sexuality?

  15. I like my man to have some hair on his chest and meat on his bones. And that’s what I got. Don’t know which label fits him best, so I’ll just label him, “mine,” with great buns and a killer smile. Fun post!

  16. Max

    I happen to be an ubersexual. A stylish man with all the manly qualities. I shave daily and I’m confident, masculine, uncompromising, dynamic, strong, etc. And I smoke cigars and drink fine wine. Preferring the company of men I know Arnold Schwarzenegger to be an ubersexual.

  17. Max

    I’m an ubersexual and I used to be a metrosexual and found ubersexual is better. Ubersexuals smoke good cigars and drink fine wine, they’re a traditional breed of man and the ideal men of the future.

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