Tag Archives: funny

Where did all my BILFs go?

bubbles

When Brown Road Chronicles was at its peak back in late 2013 before I took my fourteen month-long sabbatical, I had a long list of BILFs. This list was an extraordinary compilation of BILFs culled from many intensive years of blogging, liking, reading, and commenting. Sometimes even just a quick glance at a blogger’s avatar and I instantly knew that they’d be a strong candidate for my list of BILFs. More importantly, a timely, well thought out blog post or comment, full of voluptuous and shapely words that exemplified years of writing experience was sure to get a blogger on my list of BILFs.

So, what had once been a short list of BILFs when I had first started blogging had over time grown into a long list of about seventy-five BILFs.

What was I going to do with all these BILFs? I could barely keep track of all of them. I felt overwhelmed.

Several times I tried condensing my list of BILFs. But it was challenging and complicated because once you’ve determined a blogger is a BILF it’s difficult to just scratch them off of a list.

Plus these were all BILFs who wrote words that were fresh and polished and sexy. These were BILFs who wrote words that exuded sophistication and competency. These were BILFs who were no doubt seasoned and mature, full of deep metaphors and profound thoughts and humor.

Especially humor. Because, although a blogger can dress their site up with lots of fancy imagery, a good sense of humor is one of the primary means of becoming one of my BILFs.

But something had to give.

One day I dug down deep and found the strength. I fired up WordPress and sorted through the long list of BILFs, hour after hour, contemplating whether each was really still a BILF or if I was hanging on to old memories, remembering old posts, focusing on days gone past. Some of the BILFs had long since abandoned their sites, given up, stopped trying. Those were the simplest BILFs to say goodbye to. They weren’t BILFs anymore and they were easy to cross off the list, although there were a select number of these inactive BILFs who were my very first BILFs and who I decided should always remain.

Then there were the BILFs who were still around but who just didn’t have the same appeal as when we had first met. They had become old and stale and boring and with some clarity of thought I was able to determine that they were no longer BILFs either and they were removed from my list. It was a long process but I was able to narrow the list from about seventy-five BILFs down to about fifty BILFs.

That’s about how many BILFs I have now, approximately fifty. I have met a few new BILFs since I reopened Brown Road Chronicles at the beginning of the year and I am looking forward to getting to know those BILFs better. But on a recent scan through those original fifty or so BILFs I discovered that only about twenty, at best, are still active. Perhaps it’s time to sort through the list of BILFs again.

Now let’s be frank here, in this widespread community of talent there’s certainly no shortage of BILFs. And now that I’m back at this on a pretty steady basis, I’d definitely like to discover some new BILFs.

So here’s your job.

If you’re a regular here, you should have a good read on my personality and sense of humor. In the comments section, please recommend one or two of your BILFs… bloggers that you like to follow… that you think I might like to follow as well.

I’ll take a look and perhaps they’ll become one of my BILFs too.

My Bloggers I Like to Follow….

What did you think I was talking about?!?

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Firsts and Lasts at She’s a Maineiac

This blog has been WAY too serious lately…

So… this is a perfect time to be the featured writer over at everyone’s favorite blog, She’s a Maineiac, with its host, the super-funny, coffee drinking, plaid wearing, half-sane mama Darla.

Maineiac

I met Darla in April of 2011 when I left a comment on her About page after discovering she was from Maine.  I think it said something about “I didn’t know they had computers in Maine” and “have you ever hit a moose with your car?”

No, I’m kidding… my wife and I went to college and met in Maine, so I was happy to find a little connection to one of my favorite states in this big bad blogging world. I love Maine, it’s a wicked cool place, ayuh! It’s known for the world-famous artists “Bert and I” who in a classic Maine accent, tell funny stories about “Downeast”. It’s known for the iconic LL Bean store, where my Barn Coat came from that I wrote about in my one and only Freshly Pressed post, and of course it’s know for Lobstah! If I didn’t love Michigan so much, I’d probably want to live in Maine.

You can listen to some Bert and I clips here: http://www.islandportpress.com/bertandi/index.html

When Darla asked me to be the featured blogger on her monthly series “Firsts and Lasts”, I knew I had finally made it big in the blogging world. All I had to do was answer a series of questions on this personality test that she e-mailed to me. I think she called it something like the Darla Richter MultiPhasic Personality Indicator.  I figured… “how hard could that be?” and since she has like a zillion followers, I thought maybe this would be a good opportunity to pick up two or three more.

I tried to answer as truthfully as I could, except for the questions that I didn’t answer that truthfully.

So come hang out with us today over at She’s a Maineiac and read my answers and check out some of Darla’s stuff. She’s funny, she’s well-known and highly regarded in our little corner of the virtual world, she’s been Freshly Pressed several times and she has some mad Photoshopping skills.

I’d leave you a link to her site, but….. in the words of Bert and I, “come to think of it… you can’t get there from here.”

No… seriously, just click this link and you’ll be there faster than Captain Kirk in a Star Trek Transporter.

Firsts and Lasts with Steve from Brown Road Chronicles

Have fun… and as always, thanks for reading!

 

 

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The Men of WordPress Calendar

Being a male in the blogging world is sometimes like being the lone Rooster in a barn full of Hens! Seems the lady bloggers far outnumber the guy bloggers.  That’s okay, us bro’s know that the ladies are much better with words any day of the week! But I decided we needed to do a little promotion of some of the Men of the WordPress Writing World.

So I contacted the talented folks at Brown Road Marketing, Inc., the promotional arm of my blogging empire (the same folks who designed my Brown Road Chronicles T-shirts and recorded my Brown Road Chronicles Radio Advertisement) for some help in getting the faces of some of the “Roosters” at WordPress out in front of the crowd.

We picked twelve totally awesome dudes, men of too many words, talented writers and artists and musicians and athletes and sports enthusiasts.  But mostly, committed fathers and husbands and some incredibly funny guys.  Some write frequently, some write periodically but these are all guys that I have gotten to know a bit through blogging, guys that follow me and I follow them, mostly guys who make me laugh on a regular basis.

Twelve guys who aren’t afraid to let it all out or keep it all in… in front of thousands of WordPress Followers.

Legal Disclaimer: all images are the property of the totally studly guys pictured here. Hopefully all of these handsome and talented bro’s approve of their selected images and of being swooned over by the lady bloggers. Brown Road Marketing, Inc. may or may not have had to stalk a few Facebook Pages and Twitter feeds to obtain images.

Sorry ladies, no shirtless pics…

So, here I present to you: The 2014 Men of WordPress Calendar. You can click the images to enlarge them and use the links below each page to visit their sites.

ThoughtfulPop-januaryThoughtful Pop

thebyronicman-februaryThe Byronic Man

Jasonpearch-marchThe MindSlam

JarodKarol-AprilLick the Fridge

Claywatkins-MayMaking the Days Count

Goodgreatsby-JuneThe Good Greatsby

beingarindam-JulyBeing Arindam

harrymullans-augustDribbling Pensioner

stevewarner-septemberThe Brown Road Chronicles

blurtblog-octoberBlurt Blog

don-novemberDon of All Trades

stuartsheldon-decemberStuart Sheldon

So, there you go… the 2014 Men of WordPress Calendar.  Of course, this is only a sampling of the talented guys out there. So who’d we miss? Share your votes with the world and maybe they’ll make next years issue!

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A Pop Quiz for My Teenagers

I was ready to divorce my teenage kids this past Memorial Day weekend. I had called the Divorce attorneys on the back of the phone book and had the papers all drafted. Thankfully, my wife talked me off the cliff and I was able to save the attorney fees. She’s good that way, at talking me off the cliff. Sometimes I have to talk her off the cliff. Sometimes we both want to jump off the cliff… and maybe have sex as we plunge to our deaths because it’s the only time we’d have any privacy. Plus the guy who spoke at the Memorial Day parade said lot’s of stuff about finding peace and happiness with the people who you care about and that settled me down a bit.

My kids hadn’t really done anything wrong. I was just tired of them. I was tired of driving them places, tired of cooking them meals, tired of picking up their stuff, tired of trying to keep their lives organized. Is it okay to say you’re tired of your kids sometimes? Well, whether it’s okay or not, I’ll man up and say it… I WAS FUCKING TIRED OF THEM!

They’re actually really good kids. Well behaved most of the time, well respected by their peers and teachers, “A” students. They participate and are successful in a lot of school activities.  But sometimes… well, most of the time…. okay look… all of the time, they just don’t get it. They’re messy, they’re lazy, they roll their eyes a lot, sometimes they’re even a little… GASP… disrespectful. They’re TEENAGERS!

So I decided to take a cue from all of my teacher friends. You see, the way that teacher’s know if their students are “getting it” is they give them regular quizzes.  So, I am going to start assigning monthly quizzes to my kids.

Here is the first one… it’s multiple choice:

1. A reasonable amount of time necessary to straighten up our home before guests come over would be:

A. 1/2 hour.
B. 1-2 hours.
C. 2-4 hours.
D. 17 days.

2. The proper place to put dirty dishes when you are done using them:

A. Washed and dried and placed back into the appropriate cabinet.
B. Washed and set in the dish strainer to dry.
C. Rinsed well and set on the counter next to the sink.
D. Under the couch.

3. The appropriate time to tell your parents about something you need completed for school is:

A. As soon as you learn about the assignment deadline.
B. The day after you learn about the assignment deadline.
C. One week before the date of the assignment deadline.
D. “Dad, you need to sign this paper from my teacher so you know I missed an assignment deadline.”

4. The reason we have a strict “bed time” on Sunday nights, between 10:00 – 11:00 pm is:

A. Children who get enough sleep do better in school.
B. Monday morning is the most difficult day to wake up on time.
C. Weekends are busy and we need to give our bodies adequate rest.
D. Your parent’s haven’t had sex in three months and that’s the only night we might be able to stay awake.

5. If a pair of your dirty underwear somehow ends up lying on the kitchen floor you should:

A. Pick them up and carry them to the laundry hamper.
B. Pick them up and while you are bending down, with a damp paper towel, wipe up the entire animal full of fur that has accumulated under the cabinets.
C. Question why your dirty underwear is on the kitchen floor.
D. All of the above.

6. The proper use of lights and light switches in the house is:

A. To turn on when you are doing your homework and to turn off when you are completed.
B. To provide temporary light while you are using the bathroom and to turn off when you are completed.
C. To provide low level lighting in the evenings when it gets dark outside and to turn off before bedtime.
D. To light up our home like the sun in case there are Aliens looking for life on another planet.

7. The number of allowable pairs of shoes that each family member should have in the shoe pile by the entryway door is:

A. 1-2 pairs of shoes representing the appropriate season.
B. 3-4 pairs of shoes representing the appropriate season.
C. 26 pairs of shoes representing all four seasons, plus every sports season.
D. What’s the shoe pile by the entryway door?

8. The day after spending an entire week of vacation fun and having to re-mortgage the house to pay for it, the proper response is:

A. “Thanks Mom and Dad, that was awesome.”
B. “I love you guys, would it be okay if I cleaned the bathroom to show my appreciation!”
C. “That was so great, maybe we could do that again in a couple of years.”
D. “I’m so bored, what are we doing today?”

9. The normal and usual scent in a regularly used home bathroom should be:

A. Azaleas and other flower arrangements.
B. Bleach with a touch of lemon.
C. Fresh mountain air.
D. Boy Scout camp.

10. When Dad says things like “I can’t wait for you guys to go to college”, what I really mean is:

A. You know, there’s a nice military school down in Indiana.
B. When I was your age, I had to do my own damn laundry!
C. Seriously, I can’t wait for you guys to go to college.
D. I really do LOVE YOU, I just need a “time out!”

Do you ever get tired of your kids? Yeah, I know, stupid question…

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