You know what I’ve often wondered?
You see, I’ve often wondered if my readers might think I have a split personality disorder. Why you ask? Well, because of the way I can go from one day writing such astonishingly touching posts and the most beautiful, passionate and spiritual love poems and songs worthy of hallmark cards… or beautiful and profound posts about my family and my amazingly blessed and fulfilling life… or charming stories written to enlighten the young people of our world, the future adults and leaders of our society… to the next day writing satirical, profanity laced rants and tirades, about booze and sex and debauchery, and egotistical diatribes about how fucking awesome and handsome I am… posts that are true, but also so incredibly funny that they really should be noticed by the producers of Saturday Night Live or at the very least Mad Magazine. It makes me wonder if perhaps people think there is some kind of a split personality disorder going on here, you know, the way I can just switch it on and off… from one to the other, almost like its two different writers.
We’ll I’m here to set the record straight. Listen up because this is very important and I want to be sure that I make this very clear to all my loyal and valued readers.
FIRST OF ALL, let me state emphatically that, except for the occasional guest post, good or bad, I am responsible for all of the writing at the Brown Road Chronicles.
And SECONDLY, let me state even more emphatically… I mean, like really fucking emphatically… that I have never been formally diagnosed with a split personality disorder.
In fact… and let’s be absolutely clear here… I am a very level-headed person, very calm, cool and collected and I am entirely passionate about life and love and being a helpful, caring and respected member of my community, and about humanity in general. That’s right, humanity… sometimes that’s all that is important to me, the state of humanity… and compassion too… sometimes I just live and breathe compassion. You see, that side of me that you sometimes see in my blog, the one who drinks and swears and is obnoxious and who thinks he’s so incredibly handsome and who thinks he’s God’s gift to earth… I mean, sure I admit I’m not a church go-er… but that other guy, well, that’s just a fictional character that I portray… for the ratings… or in this case the stats.
So, I just want to be sure that’s clear that I’m not really like that. I mean, just because I have a mirror or two in every single room of the house, doesn’t mean I walk around the house looking at myself all the time to make sure my hair is perfect, and I’ve never looked in any of those mirrors and said “dude, you are so fucking good-looking I can’t stand it” or anything even remotely close to that. And no I don’t imbibe all the time like a drunken sailor and there’s no way I would ever have gotten so drunk this past New Year’s Eve and thrown up in my wife’s van. That’s just not me. I especially don’t spend hours upon hours re-reading my funny posts over and over and over… and over again thinking my blog is the greatest blog in the world and should have ten times the numbers of readers that I already have. That’s all just fiction, a ruse, a gimmick, a ploy to move my blog forward as one of the leading WordPress blogs out there. That’s all it is… just business… because if I can get my blog to a level of national prominence, then I can use its stature combined with my incredible handsomeness and charm, to make a profound difference in the world. That’s all I really want… to be able to make a difference in the world and be recognized for the caring, loving, compassionate person that I really am.
So no, don’t be concerned… you can rest assured… I have never been formally diagnosed with a split personality disorder. I mean seriously, why the fuck would you think that anyway, that I have some kind of a split personality disorder? Really, who the fuck gave you the right to offer up a pig-headed, asinine opinion like that? Do you think that’s funny? Do you sit around your house singing “ha ha ha, Steve’s got a split personality disorder, Steve’s got a split personality disorder.” Well I don’t think that’s funny. In fact, I think you’re an asshole for thinking up something like that. I mean, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you… and what the fuck is wrong with wanting to capitalize on my stunning good looks and charming personality for power and financial gain? You don’t like it? Well, that’s not my goddamn problem. And so what if it’s all about… me, me, me… and me feeling good about myself by having lots of readers and a stats page that is cranking out hits like the fucking New York Yankees. What, you don’t like the fucking New York Yankees… well, what the fuck do you know anyway.
Anyhow, I just wanted to be sure you all understood that I really am a sweet, caring, likeable guy who is so totally indebted to and appreciative of all of you wonderful loyal readers. Thanks for being the most wonderful blogging friends a guy could have.
And let me reiterate one more time here… I have never been formally diagnosed with a split personality disorder.
27 responses to “Split Personality Disorder”
You know, you would never know if you were formally diagnosed with a split personality as the dominant one would probably hide the written report. You’d be in the dark. Or on the dark side. Just sayin. 🙂
Ha, yeah you’re probably right. I’ll just stay away from psychiatrists, then I won’t have to worry about it.
Okeeeyyy dooookeeeeyyy I’ll just quietly back outta here then!!! No need to walk me out.
No, please stay… its fun here! 🙂
Hysterical. I too have opposing personalities in my blog. Funny thing is, some like one and some like the other. A few like both. I’m going to try to embrace the Cybil within. I, for one enjoy ALL of your personas!
It is interesting how certain posts generate comments from certain people and you can almost predict who will show up. Glad you like all my personalities!
That would be Sybil. Not Cybil.
Ahh, Steve, dear writer buddy, love it when you crank out a post that makes me feel like, “This guy, I get him. He gets me.” Just two narcissistic nutf*ks who like to rant annd make people laugh…and sometimes cry with their words. Good one! Really glad to have bumped into you in CyberWorld. You, LickTheFridge, and InvisibleMikey are my favs.
Thanks, and those are all good blog choices!
Steve, I totally understand this. I, too, come across as a caring, compassionate, educated teacher but — let’s be honest — I’m also totally hot. So sometimes my hotness seeps into my writing. I understand that people find this distracting, and I try to rein it in.
I promise: I earned my Master’s Degree in English and American Studies and that I have my teaching credentials as well. I graduated summa cum laude with a 3.9 GPA. I was awarded with academic prizes that championed my sense of justice and my devotion to education.
But I’m sexy and I know it. 😉
I know, I know, its tough being hot… but somebody’s got to do it!
Steve i like the post very much, BUT and its a big BUT , i think you should get formally diagnosed.
Maybe its the pressure of being so great at everything its affecting your ego 😆
Harry I’m afraid to know what any of my actual diagnoses might be! 🙂
Thouche’ – well done – who knew??????
If anybody knows me you do! 🙂
Multiple Personality Disorder isn’t a pre-requisite to writing a successful blog? Who knew.
Do you have “multiple” personalities? Multiple means a whole bunch right? I just have “split”… just two… its all just black and white here!
O. My bad. I have the ‘multiple’ strain – each mood has its own identifiable personality… Your are clearly underfunded in the personality dept. Just two? HA HA huh ha ha. I mock thee. Outright.
OMG I promise you that I didn’t see this before I posted my “split personality” in regards to my blog/s. How weird? Well, if you’ve got it, I feel better about myself!
That’s too funny. Perhaps we were channeling each others blogging brain waves!
I don’t think you’re very convincing. What does the other Steve have to say about this?
Perhaps he’ll write the next post.
I love Anne’s comment! And Steve/Steve just keeps on rockin’!
I was diagnosed with a “banana split disorder”, but I took medication … and now can order them properly.
That must be the most delicious disorder.
Well damn! Both Steves are pretty frickin’ hysterical. Keep it up you two!
I can totally relate. I understand everything and nothing.