Ring, ring

WP: Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME: Thank you for taking my call, I am terribly concerned, I think I might be developing BOOBS.


Ring, ring

WP: Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME: Hi, I just called a second ago, I think we got disconnected.

WP: Okay sir, how can I help you today?

ME: I think I’m developing BOOBS.

WP: This isn’t funny sir… is there something I can help you with?

ME: Have you seen my blog, Brown Road Chronicles?

WP: I am sorry sir, no I haven’t. WordPress has over 300,000 blogs, I can’t read all of them.

ME: It’s a great blog… about country living and other funny stuff.

WP: I am sure it is… Is there something I can assist you with today… besides your BOOBS?

ME: I think my blog is broken.

WP: You think your blog is broken?

ME: Yes, it doesn’t appear to be working properly… and I think I am developing BOOBS.

WP: Sir, please stop that or I will hang up! Can you give me some details about what doesn’t seem to be working properly.

ME: Well, it’s not tracking visitors like it should be.

WP: You mean on your stats page?

ME: Yes, yes, exactly, on the stats page. It’s not tracking visitors correctly.

WP: What makes you think it is not tracking visitors correctly?

ME: Well, I’ve checked my stats page 846 times today and it’s only showing 11 hits. I’ve been getting 60-90 hits per day.

WP: Well sir, some days are better than others, maybe it’s just a slow day.

ME: No, it can’t be a slow day, I wrote a story about Macaroni and Cheese yesterday. It was funny and I thought it would generate lots of hits today.

WP: Well sir, some days your subscribers just get busy and they don’t have the time that day to visit and read your blog… and maybe it just wasn’t as funny as you thought.

ME: No, no that’s not it… my subscribers all visited, I don’t have very many of those but it looks like they’ve all been hanging around because they’ve left comments. But I’m not getting all those extra hits that I usually get. You know, from the people that don’t leave comments.

WP: Well, sir, have you written anything new today?

ME: Can you excuse me just a second, the light on my phone is blinking. I may have some comments to read.

WP: Uh… okay?

A few minutes later

ME: Hi, I am back, sorry it was just some spam about one of those… you know… male enhancement medicines. Have you read my post about Cialis?

WP: No, I haven’t.  Now where… where were we? Oh yes, have you written anything new today?

ME: No, not yet.

WP: Well, maybe you need to write something new and post it today. One of the five ways of increasing blog readership is to write and post valuable content frequently.

ME: But I don’t have anything interesting or valuable to write today. I’ve only been at this for a month and I’m already running out of good ideas.

WP: Okay, well that happens sometimes. Have you read anyone else’s blog and left comments on their pages.

ME: No, I haven’t had time to do that today. I’ve been too busy checking my stats page.

WP: Well, maybe you just need to take a few days off and not write anything and don’t worry about your stats. I think it’s tracking properly though, I think today’s just a slow day and I am sorry that you’ve only had 11 visitors.

ME: No, I think it must be broken. My stories are really good!

WP: Yes, I am sure they are. Most bloggers think their stories are really good. Most bloggers have this delusion that they are going to be famous authors someday, when in reality the majority will just disappear eventually. I am sorry that you only have 11 hits today but I am confident that your site is not broken.

ME: But I’ve been getting 60-90 hits a day, I even got 95 one day when I wrote about my guitar and I got 91 one day when I wrote about getting Freshly Pressed.

WP: Yes, I understand, sir, but I still don’t think anything is wrong with your site.

ME: Well… can you log onto the site and see if anything looks out of place.

WP: Sir… I am sure nothing is out of place but I will take a look.

5 minutes later

WP: Hello, are you still there?

ME: Yes, I am still here. I checked my stats page 27 times while you had me on hold and I still only have 11 visitors. And I think I might be developing BOOBS.

WP: Sir, I don’t know what you are talking about with your BOOBS. But I checked the site and nothing was amiss. But I am concerned that you might be developing OBD.

ME: OBD, what is that?

WP: OBD is Obsessive Blogging Disorder. It is characterized by excessive-compulsive blogging activities like writing articles when you don’t have anything interesting to write about and constantly checking your blog stats to see how many people visited your site.

ME: Oh my, that sounds frightening, do you think I am checking it too often? I just looked at it 12 times while you were talking. Do you think I have, uh, what did you call it OBD?

WP: Yes, it sounds like you may have the onset of OBD.

ME: You think I have the onset of OBD? I think I am developing BOOBS. What can I do about this?

WP: Sir, this is not funny, stop talking about your BOOBS.

ME: Oh, sorry… I am not talking about MY boobs. BOOBS is just an acronym I made up for Badly Obsessing Over Blog Statistics. I think I am developing BOOBS.

WP: You are not developing BOOBS sir, but you are at high risk for OBD.

ME: Is there something I can do about it?

WP: Well, at present there doesn’t seem to be any cure. We recommend you just keep blogging. In fact, here at WordPress, we’ve instituted a post-a-day competition to try to help people work through the OBD condition.

ME: Oh, well maybe I could do that.

WP: But sir, you just told me you didn’t have anything interesting to write about today.

ME: Well I don’t really.

WP: So how are you going to post something today?

ME: Well, I don’t know… maybe I could post something about Obsessive Blogging Disorder or about me developing BOOBS.

WP: Sir, seriously! Stop it with the BOOBS! I think that it would be a good idea for you to start writing something. If you start typing it might help you be less concerned about your stats. Is there anything else I can help you with?

ME: No, thank you so much! You have been a big help… but now I need to get started writing.  Have a good day.

WP: You too and thank you for calling WordPress. Goodbye.


ME: Okay, how do I get started… let’s see… oh, I know…

Begin typing…

Ring, ring

WP: Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie how can I help you today…………


Filed under Uncategorized

73 responses to “BOOBS

  1. HAHAHAHA you have it bad….just like the rest of us 😀

  2. Man dude….you are awesome…that was so freaking funny! There’s your song that you were trying to write….LOL!

  3. Brilliant, just brilliant! Love it… this is the first post of yours I’ve read, but I’ll definitely be back for more.

  4. That was brilliant!!! I thinnk we can all relate. At least until we get Freshly Pressed! And then i have heard that it really isn’t that important anymore.
    Thanks for the laugh!!!

  5. theteachingwhore

    Very funny….and yeah, commenting on other people’s blogs brings them to yours. That’s what happened this time! I’m subscribing! (besides, I’m a country gal)

  6. Thanks for visiting. I found your blog through one of my “friends”. When I saw the name I just had to check it out… and I meant what I said about teachers being overworked and underpaid and under-recognized!! Nice to meet another “country-folk”, although sometimes I think I’m an imposter… a city guy living in a country world… but I love it!!

  7. I think I have OBD too. I also think that my blog is amazing and will lead me into riches and a book deal someday. I’m a little heartbroken that I might be dellusional 😦

  8. Hi Melanie, thanks for visiting. Never give up hope… maybe you’ll be one of the lucky ones! 🙂

  9. Devon Begg

    haha that’s great!! I think I’m developing BOOBS too.

  10. Cool stuff, Steve. I haven’t checked my stats once. . . since I start reading your post. . . 🙂 I think I’m going to have to subscribe. Thanks for keeping it real, and funny, and real funny. . . Jared

    • Hey Jared, thanks for checking in! Yeah I really liked this post, laughed all the way through when I was writing it. You probably feel this way too sometimes, when you write something and think, well I’ll never be able to top that! But something new, funny, interesting always comes along. I’ve been watching your Write On project. Maybe I’ll try to submit something one of these days.

      • Steve, Yeah, I know what you mean about laughing all the way through. I do that all the time, and when someone else laughs too, it’s like a bonus. Yes, please check out TWOP. Would love to have you.

  11. gidget0728

    And I thought I was the only one…really funny blog ;0)

  12. Ha! Very good indeed, although obviously I’d never obsessively check my stats *ahem* not me, never, ever….

  13. hahaha I suffer from BOOBS and OBD too. Yikes

  14. Pingback: Tweets that mention BOOBS | The Brown Road Chronicles --

  15. StewieJT

    I embrace BOOBS, so to speak. I am happy to admit it and don’t see anything wrong with it!

  16. Lol– what a brilliant way to describe obsessive blogging! I guess I have boobs and BOOBS.

  17. You were right. I did enjoy this post. A teeny bit long, but still good. You could get it published.

    On a serious note, I’m not a proficient computer wizard, but I did read somewhere that people who receive your updates via a email subscription are NOT counted on your blog stats. :{ I guess that’s because they don’t actually go to your blog anymore; your blog comes to them. Weird, hun?

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  19. I actually managed to check my stats 5 times whilst reading your posts.
    Well done!

  20. harrythehandyman

    great post keep it up but don’t get obd

  21. OK – I’m a little late – but this had me rolling in the aisles! Not that I have any aisles, but you know what I mean. Perhaps the 60 -90 hits a day were when the spam referrers were in full flight? No, that only started recently I believe. Poor woman – I’m surprised she didn’t suggest if you were developing BOOBS perhaps you should stop the hormone therapy!

  22. Loved it, good post, had me laughing.

  23. Pingback: BOOBS (via The Brown Road Chronicles) « Team Anders In…

  24. classygal

    Hey Steve.. really nice post!! Love the conversation and coining of “BOOBS” :O !! And you were right it definitely gave me a kick. 🙂
    Hoping to read more funny stuff here!!

  25. Sadly, I also suffer from BOOBS. Also PLASUOFB and OPBBUMEFOOMH. (Posting Lame-Ass Status Updates On Facebook and Obsessively Playing Bejeweled Blitz Until My Eyes Fall Out Of My Head)
    Sorry, this is as witty as I get at 6 am with no caffeine in my system…

  26. Hahaha…. this is the funniest blog I have come across. You have a new fan, man. I need to laugh more, so what’s next? By the way, I’m a recovered OFD (Obsessive Facebook Disorder), which was the reason why I had to deactivate my facebook account not that long ago. Hopefully I won’t develop OBD. That still remains to be seen.

  27. I think we ALL should be FRESHLY PRESSED. Nothing is more disturbing to see some of the freshly pressed items that aren’t that funny or an interesting read while I, and all my awesomeness, continues to be overlooked. Darn it, we’re clever and legends (in our own mind.)

    They need a suggestion box where we READERS come across a post that we can suggest to be freshly pressed. It can’t be our own posts…but a great way to make new friends…hey, nominate my post and I’ll nominate yours.

    I think I just had a brilliant idea, thank you coffee and artificial sweetener. 🙂
    Lake Forest, CA

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  29. hehehe I definitely have that infliction too 😉

  30. Pingback: Someone just subscribed to your blog… | The Brown Road Chronicles

  31. Too funny. Unfortunately for me, probably too true. 🙂

  32. sounds like you need a BRA….(Blog Reply Allotment)….

  33. I know I’m a bit behind the times, here, but that was hysterical! Thanks… you totally brought to life the essence of BOOBS!

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  35. I clicked on the title and was pleasantly surprised that it had nothing to do with mammary glands.OMG, this is totally hilarious and I do have OBD and I have BOOBS (the real kind) as well.

  36. You should add the “wordpress technical support” tag to this one, Steve. I used it in my link back. 🙂

  37. Pingback: Fine, Don’t Read, See If I Care. . . | lick the fridge

  38. I read this earlier today and I am still laughing. Great post!

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  40. Great post and very funny. Thanks for sharing. 😀

  41. This was funny. So glad I checked out your blog. I needed a good laugh today.

  42. Bahahahaha!!!! This is a CLASSIC! Awesome.

  43. Reblogged this on Simply Stephanie and commented:
    Boobs and OBD! I thought OCD was bad…

  44. Renard Moreau

    [ Laughs ] I enjoyed this article.

    In reality, there are many people who are always checking their statistics on WordPress.

  45. OMG this is so hilarious. I cant stopp laughin !!! I am certainly bugged by OBD these days ! awesome awesome post !

  46. rowkee

    yeah it is so hi·lar·i·ous. LOVE IT.

  47. So happy to find this when I searched for others obsessed with their stats, I mean with BOOBS. Hilarious!

  48. Pingback: Firsts and Lasts with Steve from The Brown Road Chronicles | She's a Maineiac

  49. Well you know me. I am all about my boobs so after seeing the link on Darla’s blog I had to check it out!
    Hilarious! This should have been Freshly Pressed!!!!
    I have both BOOBS and OBS. Yesterday, I discovered the syndicated views chart. Need I say more???

    • Yeah…ummm… I have no idea what the syndicated views chart is?!? You must have it worse than me. 🙂 I love this post, one of my very early ones. I thought it would be the one I could take all the way to the bank, but that hasn’t worked out so well! 🙂 Thanks for reading.

      • I just happened to read a WordPress post yesterday and they mentioned SV. You can see them if you click on the magnifying glass along with your top posts and pages. They say they are individual views on your posts, but I believe they are the combined total. See???? I have BOOBS!!!

  50. Pingback: Last Call | The Brown Road Chronicles

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