Tag Archives: goats

When Goats Eat Remotes

A little song I’ve been working on. This is from a poem that some of you long-timers may remember that I wrote WAY BACK in 2011. You can see the original here if you want: When Goats Eat Remotes. Frankly the song is much better! Even includes poop and fart jokes which are a staple around here!

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An Ode from Naughty to Heath

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Our goat Heath died back in July of 2014. Although this is not current news, as I was not writing at the time, this milestone did not make it onto Brown Road Chronicles. To those that have not been around since the beginning of this blog, Heath was one of the first two goats we had here at Brown Road and half of the “World Famous Goats” Naughty and Heath, stars of many-a-story as BRC was growing into an epic World Famous blog. Heath was a storied creature with painted fur, regal horns and an exquisitely coiffed beard. If you are interested, some of the highlights are here:

Goats in Coats

A Primer on the Rampant Stereotyping of Hillbilly Goats

When Goats Eat Remotes

A Cease and Desist Letter to  McDonald’s from My Attorneys

Lost… Goat Style!

A Moment in Time

Brown Road Chronicles T-shirts

Heath was an old goat and died peacefully of old age. He had been failing for some time and although the thought to put him down was constantly in the back of our minds, he seemed mostly content and so we put off the inevitable. He laid on his side one night in a stall in the barn, unable to get up, and we knew nature would take its course.

In good hillbilly fashion, we cremated him the following evening in a large bonfire, while we sat around and reminisced. Kim and I drank a bunch of wine and got drunk and cried a little bit. That night when I went into the barn I saw Naughty scratching something into the dirt floor while the other goats watched. I sat down on a stump of wood in the barn, sipping from my glass and waited for him to finish before running inside and grabbing a note pad and pencil.

This is what it said:

Oh Heath, my friend, I’ll miss you now, so here I share this simple ode
To honor thou, the life we shared in grassy fields on old Brown Road
Transcendent summer days we spent in speckled sun and dappled shade
And hunkered down inside our barn when winter brought its white cascade

Our days went by with scarce a thought what legacy we’d soon behold
But fame it grew in local lore with anecdotal stories told
In fictive tales and epic yarns of life amongst the Warner brood
Your star shined bright amongst the breadth of stories read and photos viewed

But battles, though we may win some, against thine adversary, age
That time must come, when all that’s left is that which dons the printed page
So I move on to coming days with Holly, Ella, Jack and Moo
But filled with cherished memories of special times I spent with you

Yeah, I was impressed too. RIP Heath, we’ll keep the Brown Road Chronicles legacy going!

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No More Twinkies

This is a sad and tragic milestone in our history.

I’m sure you have all heard about the imminent demise of the baked goods company Hostess, maker of the most iconic and delicious treat ever to grace this very earth… the Twinkie. I’m sure you are all also having sleepless nights, lying awake, plagued with concern that my goats will no longer be able to get a Twinkie every time you leave a comment on my blog.

Now as much as I’d like to jump on the bandwagon and blame yet another ridiculously outdated, greedy, asinine and out of touch Labor Union for destroying one more company on the ever shrinking list of U.S. manufacturers…

… I won’t … because frankly I feel I may be partially to blame here.

You see, I have not been writing much and thus, you my fabulous fans and readers have not been leaving comments on my blog and thus, my goats have not been getting nearly the volume of Twinkies that they used to get when I was writing four to five posts a week.  Now granted, my goats are likely much healthier but I think that this decrease in the volume of Twinkies they are consuming may be the root cause of why the Hostess company had to file for bankruptcy in the first place.

I don’t know…  it’s just a theory but I’m feeling a little guilty about it.

Now apparently the Hostess company is going to sell off the rights to some of the brand names that they manufacture, so perhaps Twinkies will resurface in some other incarnation of snack food. But it won’t be the same, it’s a Hostess Twinkie and that’s all it will ever be.

Tragic…

In any case, apparently this will be the last post of mine in which my goats will receive a Twinkie for every comment you leave.

So make it good…

Because they are not going to take this news lightly.

And if you have any thoughts about what I can give my goats now, every time you leave a comment, I’d welcome the suggestions.

 

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Meet Holly and Ella

The latest addition to the Brown Road family!

These are pygmy goats that we adopted from some 4-H’ers that weren’t able to keep them.  They’re the cutest damn things!

Holly is all black, Ella is the one with the white hat.

Guess I’m gonna have to design some new t-shirts….

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My Chinese Zodiac Sign is…

It’s all coming together now…

I discovered today that I was born in the Year of the Goat (or Sheep or Ram depending on where you look) in the Chinese Zodiac. Wow, I feel so enlightened! Clearly that is the reason that I get along so well with Naughty and Heath. Us Goats, you see, apparently are creative types, crafty and artistic. We’re dreamers and worriers, charming yet introverted, overly concerned with our appearances, romantic and sweet and caring. Okay, my wife would probably argue the “romantic” part, but damn, that’s pretty accurate.

Anyhow, I never really believed in zodiac and astrological mumbo- jumbo, but here’s a few excerpts about us goats.

From www.chinesezodiac.com

Occupying the 8th position in the Chinese Zodiac, the Goat (or Sheep) symbolizes such character traits as creativity, intelligence, dependability, and calmness. Comfortable being alone to ponder the workings of their inner minds, Goats enjoy being part of a group, but prefer the sidelines rather than the center. Their nurturing personality makes Goats excellent care-givers. They’re quiet and reserved because they spend much time absorbed in their thoughts.

Home and alone is where Goats feel most comfortable. There they can express themselves artistically, whether it’s by painting, cooking or participating in whatever artistic endeavors they enjoy. Goats prefer the couch because there they can relax and explore their minds. They don’t need elaborate furnishings; only items reflecting their desire for art.

When traveling or seeking entertainment, Goats prefer groups or venues that hold many people. Goats spend money on fashions that give them a first class appearance. Although Goats enjoy spending money on the finer things in life, they are not snobbish.

This site even classified me as a Fire Goat:

Not nearly as sensitive as other Goats, Fire Goats don’t need the approval of others. Fire Goats always put themselves ahead of others. They’re social creatures who typically will have a close-knit circle of family and friends.

From http://www.chinese-astrology.co.uk/goat.html

Goat people are elegant, charming, artistic, gifted and fond of nature. People born under this sign are also the most creative. They are also very delicate, their good manners and charms always bring many admirers and friends.

Goats are insecure. They need to feel loved and protected. They are easily drawn into complex predicaments. This being, so, they usually shy from confrontation, pull back when faced with heavy decision-making and blatantly refuse to take an unpopular stand in a conflict.

Goat people are dreamers, sometimes, they are pessimistic, hesitant and over-anxious worriers! They can be lazy sometimes. If Goats have any choices, they would definitely choose to marry a wealthy person and sit back for the rest of the lives. Also, they are obsessed with their appearance. This plays an enormous part in their sense of personal stability.

Disorganized as they are, business is definitely not the strength in a Goat. Instead, the Goat will make a good craftsman or artist or writer and can confidently take up any career demanding artistic talents and creativities.

Goat people are very romantic, sensitive, sweet and darling. In relationship, they could be sometimes a little bit bossy and lazy, but with their gentle and caring nature, it will be hard to resist Goat people.

Yeah baby, I’m romantic, sensitive, sweet and darling… and hard to resist. I’m starting to like this whole Astrology gig!

“Yeah… ummm… Steve, your uhhh ‘need to be loved and protected’ is showing.”

Admittedly though, it’s not perfect, I’m definitely not that great at the whole romance part of a relationship. I’m not really insecure, although I was as a much younger person. And I am able to be organized, if only because life requires me to be.

But overall it’s pretty accurate! Now granted, these descriptions are probably written in ways that the average person reading would say, “yeah, that sorta sounds like me.”

My wife on the other hand… she’s a Monkey. Don’t tell her I said that. While reading the descriptions of the Monkey, I thought, some of that sounds right but she’s really more of a Goat than a Monkey, which is probably why we get along so well. She’s sort of ½ goat, ½ monkey, whatever that looks like. One site said this: The monkey has a good chance of becoming famous or well-known. Perhaps I need to start being a little more Monkey and a little less Goat.

So I guess I still don’t really believe in any of this stuff. Anyhow, I’m glad to discover that I am a Goat. My wife texted me from the County Fair last night and told me that one of the families is looking for a good home for two dwarf doe pygmy goats. I don’t really know what those are or if it would be a good idea to add two more to the flock.

My response to her…

“Sure go for it… would give me another year of blog material!”

How about you… what’s your Chinese Zodiac sign? Is it accurate? Are you a believer?

 

 

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Brown Road Chronicles T-Shirts

In my ongoing quest to become famous I have contracted with a very successful advertising and marketing agency to move that goal forward. They have been very busy…  first that fabulous radio commercial, now a series of t-shirts.  Sorry, these are not for sale at this time but if you want, you can vote on your favorite below! Have fun.

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A Cease and Desist Letter to McDonald’s from my Attorneys

July 11, 2012

Ronald McDonald
McDonald’s Corporation
2111 McDonald’s Dr
Oak Brook, IL 60523

Dear Mr. McDonald:

It has come to our attention (The Attention) that you have been marketing (The Marketing) your McDonald’s franchises (The Franchises) as a source of healthy food (The Food), via a television commercial, using a likeness (The Likeness) of a goat named Heath (The Goat) that is owned by our client, Mr. Steve Warner (The Client), who is the author (The Author) of a blog entitled The Brown Road Chronicles (The Blog).

Our client, “The Client”, owns the Copyright, Trademark, Registration, Licenses and Rights to any and all usages of “The Likeness” of “The Goat” in any forms of media, including television, radio, internet websites, cereal boxes, Twinkie advertisements, etc. As permission was neither asked for nor granted to use “The Likeness” of “The Goat” we declare that your using “The Likeness” of “The Goat” constitutes infringement of the rights of “The Client” and “The Goat”.

“The Client” finds this infringement a despicable violation of the key principles of Copyright, Trademark, Registration, Licenses and Rights and as evidence of the infringement of  the rights of “The Client” we are providing as part of this letter, the following photographic documentation:

Exhibit A: Showing clearly and unquestionably the resemblance between “The Goat” owned by “The Client” and “The Other Goat” used in the McDonald’s commercials.

In terms of the Copyright, Trademark, Registration, Licenses and Rights Statutes, “The Client” is entitled to an injunction against your continued infringement, as well as to recover damages from you for the loss “The Client” has suffered as a result of your infringing conduct.

In the circumstances, we demand that you immediately:

1. remove all infringing content from your TV commercials and notify us in writing that you have done so;
2. pay a licensing fee in the amount of $5,000. (Five Thousand Dollars);
3. immediately cease the use of “The Clients” copyrighted images;
4. undertake in writing to desist from using any of “The Client’s” copyrighted images in the future without prior written authority from “The Client”;
5. immediately begin supplying “The Client” with one year’s worth of free French Fries and Big Macs as well as supplying “The Goat” with one year’s worth of free Twinkies.

We trust that you will regard this letter with all due seriousness and respond accordingly. We await to hear from you by no later than the 1st of August Two Thousand and Twelve.

This is written without prejudice to our rights, all of which are hereby expressly reserved.

Yours faithfully,

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