Tag Archives: hillbillies

Roadkill Stew

This is the tale of Billy O’Hill.
Who lived all his life in the town of Saville.
In a lil ‘ol cabin, he’d made his abode.
At the end of the dirtiest, dirty, dirt road.

Now Billy O’Hill had been married a time.
To a girl named Pearl, a lady sublime.
But Pearl’d got sick, dun gone up to heaven.
Ten long years ago, or maybe eleven.

So he kept to hisself, stayed mostly alone.
‘Cept for his pooch who he called Al Capone.
And a few of his friends that he’d see now’n then.
Down at the coffee shop now’n again.

The Hill Top Cafe is what it been named.
Cornbread and Johnny Cakes what they was famed.
They’d sit there fer hours not talkin’ ‘bout much.
‘Cept for some gossip and weather and such.

And on his way yonder he’d pass by the house.
Of the purtiest lady, as cute as a mouse.
She’d sit on her porch, a-sippin’ her tea.
In the shade of a giant magnolia tree.

See Billy O’Hill had a crush on this lady.
A purty ol’ girl named Myrtle O’Grady.
She lived in a house in the center of town.
Where them wealthy folks lived, the rich and renown.

But he never could git up the nerve to suggest,
“Wouldya meet me for coffee, I’d surely be blessed?”
‘Cuz what would a girl so swanky and chic,
See in a guy “from the hills”, so to speak?

So Billy would wave as he briskly walked by.
He wouldn’t say nuthin’, cuz he was right shy.
When Myrtle would smile her purtiest smile.
Billy’d be floatin’ on air for awhile.

Then one day he asked for some friendly advice.
From his closest of friends, named Earl Versluice.
‘Cuz everyone privy knew Earl could charm.
Like a rooster that woos all them hens on a farm.

Now Earl had fetchin’ advice to impart.
“The stomach’s the way to a good woman’s heart!”
“Let’s throw a party like we used to do.”
“Invite all our friends, we’ll serve roadkill stew.”

“Every-un brings somethin’ fresh that they’ve found.”
“From the side of the road, just plain dead on the ground.”
“Squirrel or coon or rabbit or beaver.”
“We’ll slice ‘em all up with a very large cleaver!”

“We’ll mix in some collards and veggies and rice.”
“Add in some ‘shine to give it some spice.”
“We’ll invite Ms. O’Grady to join us that day.”
“Then you can dun meet her, whatdaya say?”

So Billy went home, started makin’ a list.
Of who’d be invited and who could be missed.
At the end of the list he penned really neat.
“Myrtle O’Grady”, the list was complete.

He wrote out the invites, said R.S.V.P.
We’re throwin’ a party on Sunday ‘bout three.
We’ll serve roadkill stew and plenty-a ‘shine.
I’ll break outta jug of my dandelion wine.

Then he mailed ‘em all out and dun prayed for the best.
Would Myrtle O’Grady show up for this fest?
When the day dun arrived, his friends all came through.
They’d all brung some roadkill to add to the stew.

Ms. Blossom brung possum…

June brung raccoon…

Mr. Monk brung a skunk…

Mr. Babbitt brung rabbit…

Jake brung some snake…

Mr. Weaver brung Beaver…

And his best friend Earl? Well, Earl, he dun brung lots of Squirrel…

Then Myrtle arrived and the place got real quiet.
What had she brung, would anyone try it?
Every’un watched as she walked through the door.
She carried a bag from a fancy clothes store!

She handed that bag to Billy O’Hill.
Who opened ‘er up with the most gracious skill.
And Billy looked in and dun said with a grin.
I reckon Ms. Myrtle O’Grady fits in!

‘Cuz Myrtle…

Well… Myrtle… she brung Turtle.

In fact… she dun brung the freshest, most purtiest turtle, bigger’n any of ’em had ever seen!

So they cooked up the stew ‘n that party was grand!
And Billy’n Myrtle hit it off just as planned.
And the rest be dun history, them guests they all knew.
That Billy and Myrtle fell in love over stew!

Listen to the Audio Version!

6 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

A Primer on the Rampant Stereotyping of Hillbilly Goats

I am writing today to make you aware of a very serious issue that needs to be addressed in a most prudent fashion. At my own personal and financial risk I have decided to take the lead on this issue because I think, ultimately the world will be a better place if we can eliminate the rampant discrimination, elitism and stereotyping that currently exists in our society.

Let me begin by introducing you to my World-Famous Goats.  This is Naughty and Heath.

The World Famous Goats, Naughty (L) and Heath (R). Naughty does actually have legs, he is just lying down next to a tree.

Now, most of you who are reading, being educated and worldly types, are probably aware that goats have historically held an extremely distinguished and respected stature, beginning with the ancient Greeks and the half goat/half man Greek God Pan.

The Greek God Pan. Not sure who the guy is next to him, but clearly they have hit it off as they both have their pants off.

As you can see in this statue Pan was a beautiful, mythological creature with stunning goat features such as a bearded face and horns, furry goats legs and a great penis, which is important when it comes to earning respect and reverence throughout the ages.  For thousands of years since, goats and their ilk, such as the storied Greek Satyrs have lived and been represented with the esteem and honor deserved of such mythic and fabled creatures.

Totally Ripped Satyr Goat/Man with hairy chest and dual horns.

Totally HOT Satyr Goat/Woman. If my goats looked like this I might never leave the barn.

Now because my goats were adopted they didn’t come with any paperwork but I am entirely confident in the assumption that somewhere down the line they have some royal and mythological lineage. I’m here to make sure that they live in a world that respects that lineage.

My issue is this:

It has come to my attention that in the last forty to fifty years there has been a disturbing and sickening movement, whereas goats are being unfairly portrayed as some kind of banjo playing, ass-backwards, hayseed, hillbilly creatures. This is a travesty that needs to be brought to light before any more damage is done.  After thoroughly studying this subject, I have discovered that this trend apparently was started by an iconic American cereal company, the Kellogg’s Corporation, with the release of a brand of cereal in the 1960s.

Would you feed this disgusting, atrocious, banjo-spewing filth to your kids?

This cereal, called Kellogg’s Stars, was represented by a mascot that was a hillbilly goat, wearing suspenders and some kind of vile, hobo style hat on his head.  Yes, you are reading that correctly! Apparently, the marketing department at Kellogg’s believed it a good idea to utterly disrespect the Greek God Pan, with his great penis, by putting a hillbilly goat on a cereal box!  Disgusting!  Now I’m a big fan of Kellogg’s and I’d eat Frosted Flakes or Froot Loops all day long if I could, but I find this elitism and stereotypical portrayal reprehensible.

Since the release of this cereal, this tendency to stereotype goats as hillbillies has reached crisis levels.  Please review the following examples:

Harmless Goat in Flannel Wife-Beater with Billy-Bob Teeth

1. This is an image of an innocent, harmless goat, wearing not only a flannel, wife-beater shirt, but a pair of Chinese-import, imitation Billy-Bob teeth in his mouth. Seriously… someone thought this was funny? I find it repugnant!  Now this is surely a staged photograph but it is still horribly distressing to me that anyone would portray such a mythical creature in such an obscene way.

Hillbilly Goat Costume

2. This is a disgusting, reprehensible Halloween costume that you can buy if you want to continue to violate and disrespect honorable goats around the world and dress as a hillbilly goat for trick-or-treating. Seriously… someone thought this was a good idea? Well I find it offensive and shameful and I would suggest that a trick-or-treater would receive significantly more candy on Halloween dressed as the Greek God Pan with his great penis.

3. All of this was recently culminated in the film Hoodwinked, which has a singing, banjo-playing goat character named Japeth in it that sings “The Goat Song”. You can view snippets of this video on the internet, but there are all kinds of copyright violations involved and because this is a serious issue where my reputation is involved, I don’t want to risk damaging the progress and successes we have begun to reap.

Okay… so admittedly its pretty funny, but I still don’t think it’s right.

Japeth, the goat from Hoodwinked.

There are, of course, thousands of other examples, but as you can see, this unrestrained, wretched stereotyping of goats has become widespread and problematic.  As a conscious citizen and goat-owner, I feel it my civic duty to take on this challenge and to attempt to correct the wrongs that have been cast on good, wholesome, mythological goats during this last half century.

As a start I have enlisted the assistance of a highly reputable organization that has experience in these issues.

This is the contact information if you’d like to make a donation to the cause.  As payment they will accept cash, credit cards, moonshine and roadkill.

C.L.E.T.U.S.
Consortium for Legitamacy and Equity Towards Ungulate Species.
http://www.cletus.org

Thanks for your support. I hope you’ll join me in this fight!

57 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

The Ice Cream Truck

Summertime is here and with summertime comes the classic Ice Cream Truck.

Remember?  Can you hear it… the happy music? Can you taste the creamy vanilla ice cream?  Can you feel the melting fudge bar dripping down your hands? Those were good days.

Used to be driving the Ice Cream Truck was a proud profession.  Ice Cream Men would canvass neighborhoods in their white trucks, dressed up in crisply pressed white uniforms with a black bow tie and a Captain’s hat, selling the classic Fudgesicles, Ice Cream Bars and Rocket Popsicles.  These guys were rock stars, with hordes of screaming kids following in their wake who were carrying wads of sweaty money in their hands that they had, only seconds before, extorted from their parents.

Circa 1950:

Cue Ice Cream Truck Music… tune of “Do Your Ears Hang Low.”

“AHHHHHHHHH… IT’S THE ICE CREAM MAN!!!!!”

Chaos ensues… kids running in all directions at warp speed towards their houses.

“Daddy, daddy can I have some money for the Ice Cream Man, please Daddy, please?”

“Billy, seriously, you’ve bought Ice Cream the last thirty-eight days in a row.  Whattya say we take a break today?”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

“Okay, okay, here’s a few bucks.  Hey, say hi to Mr. Jones for me… he’s a good guy you know… and while you’re out there get your old man a Triple Chocolate Ice Cream Supreme Bar.”

It was as American as Apple Pie and Chevrolet… cooling off kids on hot summer days.  Then one day Ice Cream Men became creepier than clowns, creepier than the Carnies that operate the Tilt-a-Whirl at the county fair, creepier than… used car salesmen.  What the hell happened?  When did all the Ice Cream Men go from being clean-cut, handsome, all American studs … to Appalachian, pedophilic, dentally-impaired, drug-addled hillbillies? When did the classic white Captains uniform get replaced with the not-so-classic denim shorts and wife-beater tee?

It’s a sad state of affairs!

The kids don’t care though… ‘cause to them it’s still just the Ice Cream Man.  To a kid there’s not a bunch of Ice Cream Men… it’s kind of like Santa Claus… there’s just one Ice Cream Man, and every day he travels all over the world selling Ice Cream out of his little truck.

Circa 2011:

Cue Ice Cream Truck Music… tune of “Do Your Ears Hang Low.”

AHHHHHHHHH… IT’S THE ICE CREAM MAN!!!!!”

Chaos ensues… kids running in all directions at warp speed towards their houses.

“Daddy, daddy can I have some money for the Ice Cream Man, please Daddy, please?”

“Billy, seriously, you’ve bought Ice Cream the last thirty-eight days in a row.  Whattya say we take a break today?”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

“Okay, okay, here’s a few bucks.  Make it a quick transaction though, that guy’s a god-damn freak show… if he asks you any personal questions, don’t answer him, and don’t look him in the eyes… just hand him the money… hey, while you’re out there get your old man a Triple Chocolate Ice Cream Supreme Bar.”

Yeah, so I guess it hasn’t changed all that much.  The day the Ice Cream Trucks start  playing “Dueling Banjos” though… that’s the day us parents need to draw the line!

22 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized