Tag Archives: new york yankees

Split Personality Disorder

You know what I’ve often wondered?

You see, I’ve often wondered if my readers might think I have a split personality disorder. Why you ask?  Well, because of the way I can go from one day writing such astonishingly touching posts and the most beautiful, passionate and spiritual love poems and songs worthy of hallmark cards… or beautiful and profound posts about my family and my amazingly blessed and fulfilling life… or charming stories written to enlighten the young people of our world, the future adults and leaders of our society… to the next day writing satirical, profanity laced rants and tirades, about booze and sex and debauchery, and egotistical diatribes about how fucking awesome and handsome I am… posts that are true, but also so incredibly funny that they really should be noticed by the producers of Saturday Night Live or at the very least Mad Magazine. It makes me wonder if perhaps people think there is some kind of a split personality disorder going on here, you know, the way I can just switch it on and off… from one to the other, almost like its two different writers.

We’ll I’m here to set the record straight.  Listen up because this is very important and I want to be sure that I make this very clear to all my loyal and valued readers.

FIRST OF ALL, let me state emphatically that, except for the occasional guest post, good or bad, I am responsible for all of the writing at the Brown Road Chronicles.

And SECONDLY, let me state even more emphatically… I mean, like really fucking emphatically… that I have never been formally diagnosed with a split personality disorder.

In fact… and let’s be absolutely clear here… I am a very level-headed person, very calm, cool and collected and I am entirely passionate about life and love and being a helpful, caring and respected member of my community, and about humanity in general. That’s right, humanity… sometimes that’s all that is important to me, the state of humanity… and compassion too… sometimes I just live and breathe compassion.  You see, that side of me that you sometimes see in my blog, the one who drinks and swears and is obnoxious and who thinks he’s so incredibly handsome and who thinks he’s God’s gift to earth… I mean, sure I admit I’m not a church go-er… but that other guy, well, that’s just a fictional character that I portray… for the ratings… or in this case the stats.

So, I just want to be sure that’s clear that I’m not really like that.  I mean, just because I have a mirror or two in every single room of the house, doesn’t mean I walk around the house looking at myself all the time to make sure my hair is perfect, and I’ve never looked in any of those mirrors and said “dude, you are so fucking good-looking I can’t stand it” or anything even remotely close to that. And no I don’t imbibe all the time like a drunken sailor and there’s no way I would ever have gotten so drunk this past New Year’s Eve and thrown up in my wife’s van. That’s just not me. I especially don’t spend hours upon hours re-reading my funny posts over and over and over… and over again thinking my blog is the greatest blog in the world and should have ten times the numbers of readers that I already have. That’s all just fiction, a ruse, a gimmick, a ploy to move my blog forward as one of the leading WordPress blogs out there. That’s all it is… just business… because if I can get my blog to a level of national prominence, then I can use its stature combined with my incredible handsomeness and charm, to make a profound difference in the world. That’s all I really want… to be able to make a difference in the world and be recognized for the caring, loving, compassionate person that I really am.

So no, don’t be concerned… you can rest assured… I have never been formally diagnosed with a split personality disorder. I mean seriously, why the fuck would you think that anyway, that I have some kind of a split personality disorder? Really, who the fuck gave you the right to offer up a pig-headed, asinine opinion like that? Do you think that’s funny? Do you sit around your house singing “ha ha ha, Steve’s got a split personality disorder, Steve’s got a split personality disorder.” Well I don’t think that’s funny. In fact, I think you’re an asshole for thinking up something like that. I mean, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you… and what the fuck is wrong with wanting to capitalize on my stunning good looks and charming personality for power and financial gain? You don’t like it? Well, that’s not my goddamn problem. And so what if it’s all about… me, me, me… and me feeling good about myself by having lots of readers and a stats page that is cranking out hits like the fucking New York Yankees.  What, you don’t like the fucking New York Yankees… well, what the fuck do you know anyway.

Anyhow, I just wanted to be sure you all understood that I really am a sweet, caring, likeable guy who is so totally indebted to and appreciative of all of you wonderful loyal readers.  Thanks for being the most wonderful blogging friends a guy could have.

And let me reiterate one more time here… I have never been formally diagnosed with a split personality disorder.

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Breaking Up

Dear New York Yankees,

I am so sorry to have to tell you this in a letter but I just thought it was the best way and at least I didn’t text you. We’ve had so many special times together since we met in 1977 and I really do still love you. I’ll never forget all the beers we shared and the bags of potato chips and hot dogs and all the other great times.  I loved you so much over the years, especially when you had Don Mattingly, those were great times and I’ll always cherish them. In fact, I’ll be honest, because I know you always say how honesty is so important in a relationship, and tell you I’ll always love you, but right now I just don’t feel “in love” with you. Does that make sense? My emotions right now are so crazy I just don’t understand what is going on. Anyway, I think it might be best if we take a little break from each other. SORRY! I’m SO, SO sorry and I know that you’ll be hurt and maybe all we need is some time off, maybe I just need some time off. This isn’t really about you, it’s really about me, please don’t be mad. I know you are going to be mad. God I hate doing this to you, but I just feel it’s not working out like we thought it would, especially this whole long distance relationship. It was so much easier when we lived closed to each other.  But since I moved away, you know I almost never get to see you and I’m just not sure we can make this work any longer. Maybe I just need a little space and some time to work out all of my feelings. Do you understand where I am coming from? I know this is probably coming as a big shock to you and I feel terrible about this and I just hope that you understand what I’m going through right now. I have a lot going on in my life right now and my emotions are all over the place. I know you probably think it’s just hormones or something, but it’s not and I’m just asking you to give me a little time to get my feelings in order.

You know I also think it might be a good idea if I were to see some other teams for a little while, you know, while we work through these issues. Like maybe some local teams. Like maybe the Detroit Tigers. Just for a little while, you know, like maybe just through the rest of the playoffs, and then we can see how it goes once we’ve both had a little space and some time away from each other.  I know how you must be feeling reading this and I feel so horrible about it, but again, please understand that this isn’t about you at all, it’s just about me. I just need some time to figure things out. Does that make sense? Well actually it is a little bit about you. I have to admit, you really left me totally unsatisfied last week during the American League Division Series. I know what you’re thinking, that you had the best record in baseball this year and that is really great and I’m so proud of you and I love you for that, but you have to admit you’ve kind of let yourself go. You’re just not really as sexy as you used to be. I know you have Derek Jeter but he’s getting kind of old now and those other guys like Nick Swisher and Alex Rodriquez just aren’t getting me fired up.  And that payroll of yours, well yeah it does kind of make you look fat. I’m sorry to say those things but I think it’s important to air it all out, you know? Do you understand where I’m coming from? I hope you understand. The Tigers on the other hand, they have Justin Verlander. Anyway, I’m SO SORRY to do this in a letter and I’d prefer if you didn’t try to call or e-mail me or anything like that. I’ll let you know when I figure everything out. Is that okay? I hope you aren’t too mad.  SORRY! 😦

Steve

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