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How to Eat of Bowl of Kellogg’s Frosted Mini Wheats

mini wheats

I love Kellogg’s Frosted Mini Wheats!

Kellogg’s has accomplished an incredible feat by taking a food product that basically has the consistency and taste of dried, toasted hay and made it delicious by coating it in a thick layer of sugar.

To emphasize my point, have you ever eaten plain Shredded Wheat? There are a few brands on the market but Post Shredded Wheat is the most iconic and well-known. Could there possibly be a more disgusting, choke-inducing cereal than plain, shredded wheat? Well, maybe Grape-Nuts, another Post creation. I’m not sure my goats would even eat plain shredded wheat.

But Kellogg’s has nailed it by adding a sugary coating. It’s a food product that allows us to avoid wallowing in the poor self-esteem issues of our food choices by hiding under the guise of eating healthy and regulating our bowels, while still consuming massive amounts of sugary goodness.

Herein lies the problem. When you add milk to your Frosted Mini Wheats the sugar will start to dissolve and they will begin to deteriorate faster than the most aggressive of ionic reactions.

Like this one, which takes about 10-14 to 10-16 seconds for completion:

formula

Precipitation of BaSO4, Barium Sulfate, when solutions of Barium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid are mixed.

Now I’m no scientist, but those speeds sound like some serious business! Those are negative powers bro!

I’d venture to guess that the significant deterioration of a Frosted Mini Wheat in a bowl of milk starts happening in about 10-25 seconds. So, just as you would never in your right mind try precipitating Barium Sulfate without a well thought out plan of action, you should never eat a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats without an equal level of preparation.

The important thing to note about Frosted Mini Wheats is that Kellogg’s has not figured out how to accurately coat each Mini Wheat with equal amounts of sugar. This will be important later.

So, here’s how to eat a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats:

  1. Pour Frosted Mini Wheats into a bowl.
  2. Arrange all of the Mini Wheats so that they are “face up”, meaning sugar side up. You should have no more than two layers of Mini Wheats.
  3. If you have more than two layers you will need to return some to the box.
  4. As you are arranging the Mini Wheats, carefully study and mentally document each of them to determine the amount and consistency of the sugar that coats each piece.
  5. Try to put the Mini Wheats with the most sugar on the bottom layer.
  6. Make special note of the one or two Mini Wheats that are coated with an incredibly thick (1-2mm) of sugar-coating. There will always be one or two of these.
  7. Prepare yourself mentally to eat the Mini Wheats, i.e. get in “The Zone”.
  8. IMPORTANT: Pour milk into cereal bowl but only enough to lightly soak the Mini Wheats. If you use too much milk you will end of with a giant bowl of mush.
  9. Eat as fast as you can starting with the least sugary Mini Wheats on the top layer and finishing with the most sugary Mini Wheats on the bottom layer. As the Mini Wheats will shift around while eating, you will need to be fleet-of-spoon to be sure you are continuing to eat in the correct order. The Mini Wheats noted in #6 should be eaten last.
  10. If you’re a milk drinker, go ahead and drink the milk, but keep in mind, Frosted Mini Wheat milk will have significantly more “silt” in it than milk from other cereals.

So that’s how you eat a bowl of Kellogg’s Frosted Mini Wheats.

Next up… How to Eat a Bowl of Lucky Charms!

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A Primer on the Rampant Stereotyping of Hillbilly Goats

I am writing today to make you aware of a very serious issue that needs to be addressed in a most prudent fashion. At my own personal and financial risk I have decided to take the lead on this issue because I think, ultimately the world will be a better place if we can eliminate the rampant discrimination, elitism and stereotyping that currently exists in our society.

Let me begin by introducing you to my World-Famous Goats.  This is Naughty and Heath.

The World Famous Goats, Naughty (L) and Heath (R). Naughty does actually have legs, he is just lying down next to a tree.

Now, most of you who are reading, being educated and worldly types, are probably aware that goats have historically held an extremely distinguished and respected stature, beginning with the ancient Greeks and the half goat/half man Greek God Pan.

The Greek God Pan. Not sure who the guy is next to him, but clearly they have hit it off as they both have their pants off.

As you can see in this statue Pan was a beautiful, mythological creature with stunning goat features such as a bearded face and horns, furry goats legs and a great penis, which is important when it comes to earning respect and reverence throughout the ages.  For thousands of years since, goats and their ilk, such as the storied Greek Satyrs have lived and been represented with the esteem and honor deserved of such mythic and fabled creatures.

Totally Ripped Satyr Goat/Man with hairy chest and dual horns.

Totally HOT Satyr Goat/Woman. If my goats looked like this I might never leave the barn.

Now because my goats were adopted they didn’t come with any paperwork but I am entirely confident in the assumption that somewhere down the line they have some royal and mythological lineage. I’m here to make sure that they live in a world that respects that lineage.

My issue is this:

It has come to my attention that in the last forty to fifty years there has been a disturbing and sickening movement, whereas goats are being unfairly portrayed as some kind of banjo playing, ass-backwards, hayseed, hillbilly creatures. This is a travesty that needs to be brought to light before any more damage is done.  After thoroughly studying this subject, I have discovered that this trend apparently was started by an iconic American cereal company, the Kellogg’s Corporation, with the release of a brand of cereal in the 1960s.

Would you feed this disgusting, atrocious, banjo-spewing filth to your kids?

This cereal, called Kellogg’s Stars, was represented by a mascot that was a hillbilly goat, wearing suspenders and some kind of vile, hobo style hat on his head.  Yes, you are reading that correctly! Apparently, the marketing department at Kellogg’s believed it a good idea to utterly disrespect the Greek God Pan, with his great penis, by putting a hillbilly goat on a cereal box!  Disgusting!  Now I’m a big fan of Kellogg’s and I’d eat Frosted Flakes or Froot Loops all day long if I could, but I find this elitism and stereotypical portrayal reprehensible.

Since the release of this cereal, this tendency to stereotype goats as hillbillies has reached crisis levels.  Please review the following examples:

Harmless Goat in Flannel Wife-Beater with Billy-Bob Teeth

1. This is an image of an innocent, harmless goat, wearing not only a flannel, wife-beater shirt, but a pair of Chinese-import, imitation Billy-Bob teeth in his mouth. Seriously… someone thought this was funny? I find it repugnant!  Now this is surely a staged photograph but it is still horribly distressing to me that anyone would portray such a mythical creature in such an obscene way.

Hillbilly Goat Costume

2. This is a disgusting, reprehensible Halloween costume that you can buy if you want to continue to violate and disrespect honorable goats around the world and dress as a hillbilly goat for trick-or-treating. Seriously… someone thought this was a good idea? Well I find it offensive and shameful and I would suggest that a trick-or-treater would receive significantly more candy on Halloween dressed as the Greek God Pan with his great penis.

3. All of this was recently culminated in the film Hoodwinked, which has a singing, banjo-playing goat character named Japeth in it that sings “The Goat Song”. You can view snippets of this video on the internet, but there are all kinds of copyright violations involved and because this is a serious issue where my reputation is involved, I don’t want to risk damaging the progress and successes we have begun to reap.

Okay… so admittedly its pretty funny, but I still don’t think it’s right.

Japeth, the goat from Hoodwinked.

There are, of course, thousands of other examples, but as you can see, this unrestrained, wretched stereotyping of goats has become widespread and problematic.  As a conscious citizen and goat-owner, I feel it my civic duty to take on this challenge and to attempt to correct the wrongs that have been cast on good, wholesome, mythological goats during this last half century.

As a start I have enlisted the assistance of a highly reputable organization that has experience in these issues.

This is the contact information if you’d like to make a donation to the cause.  As payment they will accept cash, credit cards, moonshine and roadkill.

C.L.E.T.U.S.
Consortium for Legitamacy and Equity Towards Ungulate Species.
http://www.cletus.org

Thanks for your support. I hope you’ll join me in this fight!

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