Tag Archives: brown road chronicles

How I Changed My Health in 2015!

Are you tired of being out of shape, tired of huffing and puffing it up a set of stairs, tired of feeling lethargic and lazy, tired of not fitting into your favorite clothes? Well it’s that time of year folks, it’s the Eve of 2016! That means its time to pull out those old, tired New Year’s Resolutions that no one ever seems to keep.

Well, do we have an opportunity for you!

10%final

Welcome to the 10% CLUB, the hottest trend in fitness today! Forget all those bullshit gym memberships, Cross-Fit workouts, “Get Fit in 30 days” marketing gimmicks! Who needs ’em? At the 10% CLUB we sure don’t… because we’re not a gym, we’re not a workout routine, we’re not a gimmick. We’re just a movement! And by movement, we mean… well… we move! We walk, we run, we bend and stretch and get our hearts pumping… and we lift heavy shit! And we GUARANTEE RESULTS!

OUR HISTORY:

One night in March of 2015, after drinking at least several gallons of wine with his uncle and other family members, our founder, the legendary blogger STEVE WARNER, who had recently begun dabbling in a new exercise routine after no longer fitting into his favorite pair of jeans and beginning to look like a Weeble-Wobble standing on a set of toothpicks, made the now infamous and somewhat regrettable statement “let’s get to 10% BODY FAT!” (10% body fat being roughly the holy grail of MEN’s fitness when you start to look totally shredded and ripped.)

Now granted, it was clearly the gallons of wine talking, but the challenge had been thrown out there and frankly there was no going back!

This was followed by a terse and sarcastic reply from his son, another founding member of the 10% CLUB, “Dad you’ll never get to 10% BODY FAT!”

Not one to shy away from a challenge, it was on… IT WAS ON!!

Thus began the 10% CLUB.

OUR EQUIPMENT AND FACILITIES:

THEEQUIPMENT

At the 10% CLUB we’re proud to brag about our facilities and equipment. Housed in an old barn, we boast that hot summer days will be HOT with a faint hint of manure smell, cold winter days will be COLD and uncomfortable and every day will be DIRTY with the occasional mice, spiders and other wild animals running on by. We go for FUNCTION, not FINESSE and we’ve compiled some of the FINEST LOW-QUALITY equipment you’ll ever find in the modern fitness world!

From our LAZY BOY DEADLIFT AND PUSHUP STATION, exquisitely fashioned from the bottom of an old Lazy Boy Chair that our founders children had promptly destroyed soon after purchase, our RUBBERMAID STEP-UPS & BEER STATION, an oldie but sturdy cooler, which if you plan ahead, could easily keep a six-pack of beer icy cold for some post workout carb replenishment, to our LOTS-O-SQUATS and PULL-UP AND STEP-UPS STATIONS, built from recycled landscaping timbers, we’ve got it all covered!

Or who can beat our good, old BUCKETS-O-BRICKS, which are basically just… well… heavy buckets full of bricks. Carry around some heavy buckets full of bricks and we guarantee you’ll burn a shit-ton of calories if you don’t first blow out your shoulders or elbows! And our newest addition, PUSHIN’ THE SLED, a one time working treadmill, scored FREE on Craigslist, but which recently broke down and now can only be used by manually moving the belt with your feet like pushing a heavy sled… which frankly provides an infinitely better aerobic workout!

OUR DIET PLAN:

Food-Pyramid

This looks about right…

Eat better. Yep, that’s it, you know what that means. Out of the ground is better than out of a box. Oh yeah, and cut back on the sugar and the booze. Like way back. But not completely. Yeah, definitely not completely!

At 10% CLUB we don’t have “One Cheat Meal” or “One Cheat Day” a week… fuck that shit! We have “Set Back Days.” There are going to be days where you eat four donuts and six brownies and wash down a whole pizza with two bottles of wine like an industrial strength garbage disposal.

Those are SETBACK DAYS, try to limit them.

OUR CALORIE BURNING PLAYLIST:

-Axl-Rose-axl-rose-30182052-415-532

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle baby! You’re gonna diiiiiieeeeeeeeeee!”

 

  1. Boston: More Than A Feeling
  2. Boston: Feeling Satisfied
  3. AC/DC: You Shook Me All Night Long
  4. Motley Crew: Looks That Kill
  5. Guns N’ Roses: Welcome to the Jungle
  6. Sweet: Ballroom Blitz
  7. Elton John: Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting
  8. KISS: Rock and Roll All Night
  9. Survivor: Eye of the Tiger
  10. Rocky Soundtrack: Gonna Fly Now
  11. Rocky Soundtrack: Going the Distance and the Final Bell

This playlist has been thoroughly studied and proven to burn calories when played painfully loud during a workout or even when listening in your car and is guaranteed to provide a “PAVLOVIAN STYLE” urge-to-exercise-response whenever any of these songs are heard outside of the 10% CLUB environment!

FRANCHISING OPPORTUNITIES:
SAM

So you’re still reading… well we really like you, and it sounds like you are ready to jump head first into the 10% CLUB movement. We’re happy to have you on board!

We’ve spent some time developing a franchising program that for little to no cost, you… YES YOU… can own and operate your very own 10% CLUB.

Here’s how you can get started!

  1. Find a place to locate your new 10% CLUB FRANCHISE. Could be a basement, garage, attic, living room, barn. Anywhere you can find some extra space.
  2. Score some of the finest, low quality fitness equipment you can find. Revive that old Stair Stepper, Weight Bench, Abdominizer, Total Gym, Total Abdominizer, Schwinn Aero-Dyne, Ellipitical, Fitness Flyer, whatever… that you bought ten years ago after watching a 3:00 am infomercial. Look under large piles of laundry and old boxes, you may find an old treadmill or weight bench underneath that you’ve long forgotten about. Check the FREE sections of your local Craiglist, folks are always giving away stuff.
  3. Create a CALORIE BURNING PLAYLIST. We recommend the official 10% CLUB PLAYLIST but understand that our franchisees may have different tastes in music. Just find about an hours worth of music that’s motivating and that will provide you that PAVLOVIAN STYLE urge-to-exercise-response! Listen to it ALL-THE-TIME!
  4. Commit to joining the movement! Put your sneakers on and get ready to start walking, running, bending and stretching and get your heart pumping… and lift some heavy shit!

WELCOME ABOARD!

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Obviously this is in jest and not to be taken as serious fitness advice. As always, consult your doctor… blah, blah, blah… before beginning any exercise program (even though no one really does that!) But my point… I’ve dropped in the neighborhood of 20 lbs. over about a nine month span working out in my barn on a bunch of half-ass equipment and watching what I eat (some of the time). I’ve dropped my cholesterol and triglyceride levels, which have always been historically high, significantly, although they are still too high. I haven’t spent any money on gym memberships, diet plans or other infomercial BS. I still drink wine, I still snack sometimes and I certainly don’t eat like a rabbit.

I just did it… something clicked and I did it… or maybe it’s better said “I’m doing it,” because it ain’t over and believe me, I’m far from your typical go-getter, Type A personality.

At the time, I felt LIKE SHIT most days, tired and cranky and lethargic and depressed. I was drinking too much and eating like crap. I feel a lot better now, healthier, happier, energized and in better shape. The “10% CLUB” was just a joke at the time, but has now become a silly little catch phrase that my whole family references and that keeps me motivated. Hey, whatever works, right? Find what works for you!

It hasn’t been easy, I devote about an hour or more, 4-6 days a week to exercising but I enjoy it and look forward to it and I’ve learned not to expect instant results.

You can do it too, IF YOU REALLY WANT IT. You DO have the time, that’s the biggest load of shit excuse we all make for everything – me included! But you have to want it, that’s the absolute first step… and you have to make it fun. It has nothing to do with gyms and trainers and exercise classes, although those can no doubt be helpful if that’s what works for you. Find what works for you!

And the same thing applies to any of your “resolutions” if you choose to make them, whether it be health and fitness, career and financial, writing goals, family and relationships. Plus if you can find success and stick to it in one area of life, at least in my opinion, it drives the motivation to work harder in other areas.

Wishing you all a fabulous NEW YEAR! The next few days will surely be “SETBACK DAYS.” After that, if you choose to join, welcome to the 10% CLUB. See you in 2016!

Steve

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Last Call

Part of the Phone Calls to Julie Series

Ring… Ring…

WP: Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME: Hi Julie, this is Steve from Brown Road Chronicles, thank you for taking my call today.

WP: Hi Mr. Warner… you’re welcome, how can I help you today?

ME: I think I’m done.

WP: You think you’re done?

ME: Yes, I think I’m done.

WP: Ummm…. done with what?

ME: I think I’m done with my blog.

WP: Okay… uhhhh…. so can I help you with something today?

ME: Well, I just didn’t know what to do when I was done.

WP: Well Mr. Warner, you can close it down, or you can leave it up so others can still find and read your posts. But why do you think you’re done?

ME: Well, I just haven’t been spending much time writing. Have you read my blog recently?

WP: Yes, I read every time you post. Maybe you’re just in a slump. All bloggers get into a writing slump sometimes.

ME: No, I’ve been in a slump before, I know what that’s like. I think this time I’m really done. I think this blog has served its purpose. It was a good blog and every good blog, just like every good book has to have an ending, right?

WP: Yes, I guess so…

ME: Well, I think it’s time to give this blog its ending. I want to do other things now. Maybe I’ll start another blog, or maybe I’ll keep working on my tyme4rhyme.com site. But right now I’m ready for a break. Plus, there’s only so many poop, fart and sex jokes out there. Remember when I called you about BOOBS? That was funny, right?

WP: I didn’t find it funny at the time, but yes, looking back it’s funny.

ME: You’ll be happy to know, I haven’t checked my stats page in weeks.

WP: That’s good…

ME: You know, Julie, this blog really changed my life. I’ve met a ton of really cool people, some have come and gone. Others, hopefully I can stay in touch with. It taught me the power of blogging and social media. It was therapeutic at times and it once again, reminded me that I can have a creative side to my life. That had been missing for a very long time. On the other hand, sometimes it was a headache worrying about it and constantly trying to come up with something worthy to write about. But I think I’ve said all I need to say here and I’ve always known I didn’t want to be one of those bloggers that just vanished without anyone knowing where they went.

WP: Yes, that happens often… well if you need help closing it down, I can help with that.

ME: No, that’s okay. I think I’ll leave it up for a while so others can still read it. A good book doesn’t go away once the author’s done writing, right?

WP: Yes, you’re right… then you could always come back to it if you wanted to.

ME: Like Brett Favre?

WP: Hahahahaha… yes like Brett Favre.

ME: We’ll, I don’t think so but you never know. It was a good blog, wasn’t it?

WP: Yes it was… is there anything else I can help you with? We’re very busy today and the phones are ringing…

ME: Ummm… uhhhh… no, I don’t think so… I guess this is my last call.

WP: Mr. Warner… I’m going to hang up now.

ME: Ummmm… okay…. uhhh… wait, Julie?

WP: Yes, Mr. Warner?

ME: Thanks for reading my blog.

WP: You’re welcome. I wish you the best.

ME: Okay, goodbye.

WP: Thank you for calling WordPress. Goodbye.

Click

To all my friends: Thank you all for reading and commenting. This was an amazingly fun ride, full of humor and heartbreak, happiness and sadness, seriousness and goofiness all wrapped up in 229 posts plus many more that were never worthy of hitting the PUBLISH button. I couldn’t possibly list all the bloggers that I have interacted with over the last several years. There is a core group of you though, that I feel like I know better than some of the folks in my “real life”. Hopefully you know who you are and its been your friendships and interactions that have made this journey the most worthwhile.  If you have not yet found me on Facebook and Twitter (@stevetwarner) and you want to, please look me up.

I will tell you all that ending a blog is not for the faint of heart. But I’ve been considering this for a long while and I think the time is right for me to retire Brown Road Chronicles. I don’t know what I will do next on the writing front. I have recently joined a small writers group of folks in my area that write stories for kids and meets once a month, so I suspect they will keep me on my toes.  Maybe there will be another blog in my future. Other than that, we’ll just see what happens next.  I promise though, that I will continue to write, continue to pick my guitar and sing songs, continue to raise two beautiful teenagers, continue to love my amazing wife, continue to sit around my fire pit, continue to drink too much wine and continue to own goats!

Best wishes to all of you!

Steve

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Rhyme Tyme

Let me preface this post by saying…

This is not one of my traditional posts. You will not laugh, you will not cry, you will not be overly entertained. This is just a little self promotion, perhaps a little self reflection, perhaps a little request for input.  I realized today as I was adding my latest rhyming poem, “Things on me are changing…” to my page “Rhyme Tyme” that I now have 18 poems on this page. As I am close to reaching my 200th post, that’s roughly 10% of my posts that have been rhyming stories, which is either really cool… or which means I have a serious mental illness.

Anyhow, I’ve never really added them up, I just add the links as they are published and hope that some naive reader happens by and hits the page and reads some of them.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to happen very often. Today, I added them up and was frankly kind of impressed with my little self!

During my recent six-week hiatus from blogging, (which I was happy to discover that many of you noticed) I have to admit to going through one of those blog-polar spells, where on a daily basis I wondered what the point of this whole writing gig is and why I spend so much time on it. It happens every once in a while, as I suspect it happens to all of us. As usual, something clicks and the ideas and the motivation come roaring back and the posts start flowing again.

My motivation?

I think about this a lot and although it’s a complex mixture of ingredients that get me to the keyboard, for the most part, it’s a need to entertain, to write something that has an impact on someone, that makes people laugh or smile or cry or think. The interaction, the comments, the “likes” the subscriptions, the tweets… that’s the reward and just like when we get a paycheck, or a thank you, or a pat on the back… it makes us feel good and keeps us going.

But there’s also, in the back of all of our minds, that idea, that maybe… just maybe… we can write something good enough to be noticed on a larger scale.

I have always felt if there was anything remotely marketable from my blog, out in the real world, it would be some of the rhyming stories I have written, either individually or as a group. Some are these are personal, some are fictional, some are influenced by stuff that happens in my life.  Some are legitimately kid’s stories, some I would classify more as “kids stories for adults!” As these poems will no doubt continue to grow in numbers, I wonder sometimes if I should do something with them.

What? I don’t know. Sometimes I consider consolidating them all onto a separate site geared specifically towards rhyming stories, but the thought of building and maintaining a second website is horribly overwhelming to me. On the other hand, I do feel badly that, for the most part, they will continue to be housed here on Brown Road Chronicles only to rot away like a field of dead zombies during a zombie apocalypse!

So… if you have a few minutes today and want to  read some fun rhyming stories, please check them out. If you are a parent, share them with your kids… or share them with your dog… or your turtle… or whatever.  If you don’t want to, that’s okay, I won’t be offended, I’ll just hold a grudge  on you for the rest of my life.

Kidding…

A few favorites of mine:

From One to Ten

Mr. Smither was in a Dither

When Goats Eat Remotes

The Snow Globe

The Tale of Slobenia Isle

Roadkill Stew

Or click on the Rhyme Tyme link and you can see all of them.

Have fun… and of course… THANKS, as always, to all of you that read this blog on a regular basis!

 

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The Historic Duel Between Anna Phylaxis and Epinephrine Penn

‘Long time ago in the wild, wild West.
Lived a tough ol’ gal, a woman possessed.
Dun lived by the gun, the fassest around.
‘Fore you could draw, you’d be dead on the ground.

Anna Phylaxis, the name of this gal.
She ruled the roost in this wild West locale.
Them residents knew when she rolled into town.
Lock all ‘ur doors and shut the town down.

Now the name of this town, Allérgiaville.
A dusty ol’ town on the top of a hill.
Used to be families could build ’em a life.
Avoidin’ them usual struggles and strife.

But lately when Anna Phylaxis come through.
Ain’t nearly the town that most of ‘em knew.
Streets were deserted, business shut down.
They needed a hero to save their small town.

Then one day a man, Epinephrine Penn.
“Epi” a nick name he used now ‘n then.
He rode into town, tall on his horse.
A Stetson sat up on his head, well , of course!

Now Epi had dealt with more than his share.
Of the criminal sort, he was tough as a bear.
Anna Phylaxis? He wasn’t afraid.
Her welcome, he knew it been long overstayed.

So he tied up his horse, knew right where to go.
The Tavern, where all of the liquor would flow.
The toughest of tough’d be there every day.
Booze they would drink and cards they would play.

Epi opened the door and glanced ’round the bar.
Saw Anna Phylaxis sitting afar.
Tossin’ back glasses-a-whiskey and beer.
No one around ‘er, a circle of fear.

He called to her, said, “your time here is done!”
“This town wasn’t meant to be ruled by the gun!”
“I challenge you now, risk my very last breath!”
“A fight for this town, a duel to the death!”

That bar, was a-silent with this stunning decree.
The aisle opened up like the parting Red Sea!
As Anna stood up, her vict’ry implied.
Hand on ‘er gun, she stumbled outside.

There in the road, they stood eye t’ eye.
Twenty-five steps ‘til the bullets would fly.
On the twenty-fifth step, turn ‘round and fire.
One will survive, one will expire!

So they turned back to back and started to count…

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25….

And on that twenty-fifth step they turn’d round ‘n drew.
The townspeople watched as them bullets, they flew.
When the dust finally cleared Epinephrine Penn.
Had saved this small town, to thrive once again.

‘Cause Anna Phylaxis would no more be ‘round.
A shot to her heart, she lay dead on the ground.
Without further ado, Epinephrine Penn.
Rode out-a-town…

To be seen… never again!

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One Less Moose

A Counting Story…

I was driving down a Busy Road.
And ONE big Moose got in my way.
Although I tried to brake and swerve.
There’s ONE less Moose alive today!

I was driving down the Interstate.
And TWO large Deer got in my way.
Although I tried to brake and swerve.
There’s TWO less Deer alive today!

I was driving down a Thoroughfare.
And THREE fat Geese got in my way.
Although I tried to brake and swerve.
There’s THREE less Geese alive today!

I was driving down a Boulevard.
And FOUR Opossum got in my way.
Although I tried to brake and swerve.
There’s FOUR less Opossum alive today!

I was driving down an Avenue.
And FIVE small Frogs got in my way.
Although I tried to brake and swerve.
There’s FIVE less Frogs alive today!

I was driving down a City Street.
And SIX Pigeons got in my way.
Although I tried to brake and swerve.
There’s SIX less Pigeons alive today!

I was driving down a Two-Track Trail.
And SEVEN Turtles got in my way.
Although I tried to brake and swerve.
There’s SEVEN less Turtles alive today!

I was driving down a Quiet Lane.
And EIGHT Raccoons got in my way.
Although I tried to brake and swerve.
There’s EIGHT less Raccoons alive today!

I was driving down a Country Road.
And NINE Turkeys got in my way.
Although I tried to brake and swerve.
There’s NINE less Turkeys alive today!

I was driving down a Rural Route.
And TEN Coyotes got in my way.
Although I tried to brake and swerve.
There’s TEN less Coyotes alive today!

I was driving to the Body Shop…

And ONE Moose… and TWO Deer… and THREE Geese… and FOUR Opossum… and FIVE Frogs… and SIX Pigeons… and SEVEN Turtles… and EIGHT Raccoons… and NINE Turkeys… and TEN Coyotes… got in my way!

Although I tried to brake and swerve.
There’s ONE less Truck alive today!

***Not a true story!***

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My Chinese Zodiac Sign is…

It’s all coming together now…

I discovered today that I was born in the Year of the Goat (or Sheep or Ram depending on where you look) in the Chinese Zodiac. Wow, I feel so enlightened! Clearly that is the reason that I get along so well with Naughty and Heath. Us Goats, you see, apparently are creative types, crafty and artistic. We’re dreamers and worriers, charming yet introverted, overly concerned with our appearances, romantic and sweet and caring. Okay, my wife would probably argue the “romantic” part, but damn, that’s pretty accurate.

Anyhow, I never really believed in zodiac and astrological mumbo- jumbo, but here’s a few excerpts about us goats.

From www.chinesezodiac.com

Occupying the 8th position in the Chinese Zodiac, the Goat (or Sheep) symbolizes such character traits as creativity, intelligence, dependability, and calmness. Comfortable being alone to ponder the workings of their inner minds, Goats enjoy being part of a group, but prefer the sidelines rather than the center. Their nurturing personality makes Goats excellent care-givers. They’re quiet and reserved because they spend much time absorbed in their thoughts.

Home and alone is where Goats feel most comfortable. There they can express themselves artistically, whether it’s by painting, cooking or participating in whatever artistic endeavors they enjoy. Goats prefer the couch because there they can relax and explore their minds. They don’t need elaborate furnishings; only items reflecting their desire for art.

When traveling or seeking entertainment, Goats prefer groups or venues that hold many people. Goats spend money on fashions that give them a first class appearance. Although Goats enjoy spending money on the finer things in life, they are not snobbish.

This site even classified me as a Fire Goat:

Not nearly as sensitive as other Goats, Fire Goats don’t need the approval of others. Fire Goats always put themselves ahead of others. They’re social creatures who typically will have a close-knit circle of family and friends.

From http://www.chinese-astrology.co.uk/goat.html

Goat people are elegant, charming, artistic, gifted and fond of nature. People born under this sign are also the most creative. They are also very delicate, their good manners and charms always bring many admirers and friends.

Goats are insecure. They need to feel loved and protected. They are easily drawn into complex predicaments. This being, so, they usually shy from confrontation, pull back when faced with heavy decision-making and blatantly refuse to take an unpopular stand in a conflict.

Goat people are dreamers, sometimes, they are pessimistic, hesitant and over-anxious worriers! They can be lazy sometimes. If Goats have any choices, they would definitely choose to marry a wealthy person and sit back for the rest of the lives. Also, they are obsessed with their appearance. This plays an enormous part in their sense of personal stability.

Disorganized as they are, business is definitely not the strength in a Goat. Instead, the Goat will make a good craftsman or artist or writer and can confidently take up any career demanding artistic talents and creativities.

Goat people are very romantic, sensitive, sweet and darling. In relationship, they could be sometimes a little bit bossy and lazy, but with their gentle and caring nature, it will be hard to resist Goat people.

Yeah baby, I’m romantic, sensitive, sweet and darling… and hard to resist. I’m starting to like this whole Astrology gig!

“Yeah… ummm… Steve, your uhhh ‘need to be loved and protected’ is showing.”

Admittedly though, it’s not perfect, I’m definitely not that great at the whole romance part of a relationship. I’m not really insecure, although I was as a much younger person. And I am able to be organized, if only because life requires me to be.

But overall it’s pretty accurate! Now granted, these descriptions are probably written in ways that the average person reading would say, “yeah, that sorta sounds like me.”

My wife on the other hand… she’s a Monkey. Don’t tell her I said that. While reading the descriptions of the Monkey, I thought, some of that sounds right but she’s really more of a Goat than a Monkey, which is probably why we get along so well. She’s sort of ½ goat, ½ monkey, whatever that looks like. One site said this: The monkey has a good chance of becoming famous or well-known. Perhaps I need to start being a little more Monkey and a little less Goat.

So I guess I still don’t really believe in any of this stuff. Anyhow, I’m glad to discover that I am a Goat. My wife texted me from the County Fair last night and told me that one of the families is looking for a good home for two dwarf doe pygmy goats. I don’t really know what those are or if it would be a good idea to add two more to the flock.

My response to her…

“Sure go for it… would give me another year of blog material!”

How about you… what’s your Chinese Zodiac sign? Is it accurate? Are you a believer?

 

 

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Brown Road Chronicles T-Shirts

In my ongoing quest to become famous I have contracted with a very successful advertising and marketing agency to move that goal forward. They have been very busy…  first that fabulous radio commercial, now a series of t-shirts.  Sorry, these are not for sale at this time but if you want, you can vote on your favorite below! Have fun.

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