Tag Archives: wordpress technical support

Last Call

Part of the Phone Calls to Julie Series

Ring… Ring…

WP: Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME: Hi Julie, this is Steve from Brown Road Chronicles, thank you for taking my call today.

WP: Hi Mr. Warner… you’re welcome, how can I help you today?

ME: I think I’m done.

WP: You think you’re done?

ME: Yes, I think I’m done.

WP: Ummm…. done with what?

ME: I think I’m done with my blog.

WP: Okay… uhhhh…. so can I help you with something today?

ME: Well, I just didn’t know what to do when I was done.

WP: Well Mr. Warner, you can close it down, or you can leave it up so others can still find and read your posts. But why do you think you’re done?

ME: Well, I just haven’t been spending much time writing. Have you read my blog recently?

WP: Yes, I read every time you post. Maybe you’re just in a slump. All bloggers get into a writing slump sometimes.

ME: No, I’ve been in a slump before, I know what that’s like. I think this time I’m really done. I think this blog has served its purpose. It was a good blog and every good blog, just like every good book has to have an ending, right?

WP: Yes, I guess so…

ME: Well, I think it’s time to give this blog its ending. I want to do other things now. Maybe I’ll start another blog, or maybe I’ll keep working on my tyme4rhyme.com site. But right now I’m ready for a break. Plus, there’s only so many poop, fart and sex jokes out there. Remember when I called you about BOOBS? That was funny, right?

WP: I didn’t find it funny at the time, but yes, looking back it’s funny.

ME: You’ll be happy to know, I haven’t checked my stats page in weeks.

WP: That’s good…

ME: You know, Julie, this blog really changed my life. I’ve met a ton of really cool people, some have come and gone. Others, hopefully I can stay in touch with. It taught me the power of blogging and social media. It was therapeutic at times and it once again, reminded me that I can have a creative side to my life. That had been missing for a very long time. On the other hand, sometimes it was a headache worrying about it and constantly trying to come up with something worthy to write about. But I think I’ve said all I need to say here and I’ve always known I didn’t want to be one of those bloggers that just vanished without anyone knowing where they went.

WP: Yes, that happens often… well if you need help closing it down, I can help with that.

ME: No, that’s okay. I think I’ll leave it up for a while so others can still read it. A good book doesn’t go away once the author’s done writing, right?

WP: Yes, you’re right… then you could always come back to it if you wanted to.

ME: Like Brett Favre?

WP: Hahahahaha… yes like Brett Favre.

ME: We’ll, I don’t think so but you never know. It was a good blog, wasn’t it?

WP: Yes it was… is there anything else I can help you with? We’re very busy today and the phones are ringing…

ME: Ummm… uhhhh… no, I don’t think so… I guess this is my last call.

WP: Mr. Warner… I’m going to hang up now.

ME: Ummmm… okay…. uhhh… wait, Julie?

WP: Yes, Mr. Warner?

ME: Thanks for reading my blog.

WP: You’re welcome. I wish you the best.

ME: Okay, goodbye.

WP: Thank you for calling WordPress. Goodbye.

Click

To all my friends: Thank you all for reading and commenting. This was an amazingly fun ride, full of humor and heartbreak, happiness and sadness, seriousness and goofiness all wrapped up in 229 posts plus many more that were never worthy of hitting the PUBLISH button. I couldn’t possibly list all the bloggers that I have interacted with over the last several years. There is a core group of you though, that I feel like I know better than some of the folks in my “real life”. Hopefully you know who you are and its been your friendships and interactions that have made this journey the most worthwhile.  If you have not yet found me on Facebook and Twitter (@stevetwarner) and you want to, please look me up.

I will tell you all that ending a blog is not for the faint of heart. But I’ve been considering this for a long while and I think the time is right for me to retire Brown Road Chronicles. I don’t know what I will do next on the writing front. I have recently joined a small writers group of folks in my area that write stories for kids and meets once a month, so I suspect they will keep me on my toes.  Maybe there will be another blog in my future. Other than that, we’ll just see what happens next.  I promise though, that I will continue to write, continue to pick my guitar and sing songs, continue to raise two beautiful teenagers, continue to love my amazing wife, continue to sit around my fire pit, continue to drink too much wine and continue to own goats!

Best wishes to all of you!

Steve

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I’d Like a Refund

Part of the Phone Calls to Julie Series.

Ring, ring…

WP: Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME: Hi Julie, thank you for taking my call, I’m terribly concerned… and I’d like a refund.

WP: Ummm… okay sir… what are you concerned about?

ME: Well, I’m concerned that I haven’t become famous yet.

WP: Excuse me?

ME: I’m concerned that I haven’t become famous yet… and I’d like a refund.

WP: What do you mean, you’d like a refund?

ME: I’d like a refund.

WP: Is this the guy from Brown Road Chronicles?

ME:  Yes, yes, do you remember me?

WP: Ummm… how could I forget?  Anyway, what do you mean you’d like a refund?  A refund on what? The WordPress service you’re using is free.

ME:  Oh…. ummm…. well… uhhh…

WP: SIR IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN HELP YOU WITH? We are very busy today. Lots of people have time off this week so there are a lot of bloggers that are writing and need technical assistance… and the phones are ringing off the hook.  Now, what do you mean you haven’t become famous yet?

ME:  See, with 2011 coming to a close… well I’m reflecting…

WP: Reflecting?

ME: Yes… I’m reflecting… on the past year. See, I started my blog about a year ago… and I thought I’d be famous by now.

WP:  Sir, I’m pretty sure that the first time you called me, I told you that most bloggers have this delusion that they are going to be famous authors someday, when in reality the majority will just disappear eventually.

ME: Oh… you did? Well, I’m not just any blogger, I write Brown Road Chronicles.  Have you read my blog yet? It’s very good!

WP: Yes… you’ve mentioned that before… but, no sir, I have not read it… WordPress now has over 400,000 blogs, I can’t read them all.  Unfortunately… you haven’t disappeared yet… uhhh… I mean… uhhh… why don’t you just tell me what’s going on.

ME: Oh… okay… well, one of my first posts last December when I started actively writing was my New Year’s Resolution…

WP:  And what was your New Year’s Resolution?

ME: Well… to become a… Famous, Ripped, Best-Selling, Rock Star, Amish Furniture Maker.

WP: Uhhhh…. a famous… what?

ME: A Famous, Ripped, Best-Selling, Rock Star, Amish Furniture Maker.

WP: What does that mean?

ME: Uhhh… which part?

WP:  Oh… nevermind… so, how’d that go?

ME: Ummm… well, I didn’t really accomplish any of it…

WP:  And… so you’re concerned that you’re not famous yet?

ME: Yes… yes… I thought by writing this blog, I’d be famous by now.

WP: Sir, I… uhhh… noticed all those things in that New Year’s Resolution are kind of… ummm… well, they’re kind of… how do I say this nicely… ummm… VAIN!  Well, except for the… uhhh… what was it… the Amish… uhhh… wood worker…

ME: Amish Furniture Maker…

WP:  Woodworker… furniture maker… whatever… they’re all kind of vain… anyway, why do want to be famous?

ME: Uhhh…. I don’t know…

WP: And what do you want to be famous doing?

ME: Uhhh… I don’t know… I’d like to maybe write a kid’s book someday.

WP: Sir, perhaps in 2012 you should just focus on work and writing and your family and whatever else is important to you… and… well… you know… maybe stop trying to be famous… you know, if you work hard, good things will come… and frankly there’s probably more important things to worry about than being famous.

ME: Oh my… there is?

WP:  Well of course there is… your family and your friends and your career and your contentment and spirituality… basically just focusing on the things that make you happy. What’s that quote “Life is a journey, not a destination” or something like that? Well it’s true… and if you enjoy writing… well, then keep writing. Perhaps in 2012 amazing things will happen. Besides, I’m looking at your stats page and it looks like you have a bunch of subscribers that read and comment regularly on your posts. I’d say you’ve achieved some small level of fame right there!

ME: Oh my… I sure do love my subscribers… they’ve become such great blogging friends! So you’re saying I don’t need a refund?

WP:  SIR, PLEASE STOP IT WITH THE REFUND!

ME: Oh…  I’m terribly sorry… well, okay I guess, I’ll take your advice… you’ve always helped me out before.

WP: That’s my job sir… is there anything else I can help you with?

ME:  No… thank you so much for all your help… I look forward to speaking with you in 2012.  Happy New Year Julie!

WP: Happy New Year to you too Mr…. ummm… Brown Road Chronicles. Good luck in 2012!

Click

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Someone just subscribed to your blog…

Part of the Phone Calls to Julie Series.

Ring, ring…

WP: Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME: Hi Julie, thank you for taking my call, I’m terribly concerned, Someone just subscribed to my blog.

WP: Ummm, okay…. uhh… congratulations?

ME: Oh… that’s what the e-mail said too, congratulations.

WP: What e-mail would that be?

ME: Well, the one that said that Someone just subscribed to my blog. It addressed me with the word “Howdy”. Do you think Someone thinks I am a cowboy? I don’t think I’ve ever used the word “Howdy” before.

WP: Is this the guy from Brown Road Chronicles?

ME: Yes, yes, you remember me? I’ve called you about my BOOBS. You have been very helpful the last couple of times I have called. Have you read my blog yet?

WP: No sir, I still have not read your blog.

ME: Oh, that’s too bad, it’s really great!

WP: Sir, I am sure your blog is great, but really, is there something important I can help you with? I am very busy today? We are getting a lot of angry callers because we changed the subscription function on all of our member’s blogs without telling anybody. Now everybody is mad and the phones are ringing off the hook.

ME: Oh yes, I did notice that as well. I think that’s okay, I don’t know what everybody is all worked up about.

WP: SIR, PLEASE IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN HELP YOU WITH?

ME: Oh yes, I’m very sorry, I’m terribly concerned, Someone subscribed to my blog today?

WP: Yes, you mentioned that… uh…and why is that a problem? Most bloggers are happy when Someone subscribes to their blogs.

ME: Oh my, does Someone subscribe to a lot of blogs? Do you know who Someone is?

WP: What does that mean “do I know who Someone is?”

ME: Well, it sounded like you maybe know who they were.

WP: Knew who who is?

ME: Someone.

WP: SIR… I am going to hang up if you don’t tell me how I can help you today.

ME: Oh, I am terribly sorry, please don’t hang up. You see, I got an e-mail today that said “Howdy, Someone just subscribed to your blog, Brown Road Chronicles.”

WP: Uhhh… okay… and what is wrong with that?

ME: Well, it didn’t tell me who Someone is… you know, and tell me what their blog site is. It just said Someone subscribed to my blog today and it had an e-mail address and where they were from. I thought that was kind of creepy. And it said “Howdy”. Do you think Someone thinks I am a cowboy?

WP: Sir, it’s just an automated e-mail when a reader subscribes to a blog. I don’t know why it says Howdy, but no one here thinks you’re a cowboy… and it said Someone because it was a subscriber that doesn’t have a WordPress account. So we don’t know who they are.

ME: Oh my… you don’t know who they are? Does that mean they don’t have an About page that will tell me if they are a stalker or not?

WP: No, there is no About page, but don’t worry, it’s probably just someone that read something you wrote and found it interesting.

ME: Oh yes, yes… the stuff I write is very interesting. It’s very funny too. Have you read my blog?

WP: SIR, I JUST TOLD YOU I HAVE NOT READ YOUR BLOG!

ME: Oh you’re right, I’m sorry, you did say that. I just got excited when you told me my posts were interesting.

WP: I didn’t say your posts were interesting, I said that maybe this person who subscribed to your blog perhaps thought your posts were interesting.

ME: You mean Someone?

WP: Sir, please stop it with the Someone! Yes, I was referring to this person who subscribed to your blog.

ME: So you don’t think there is anything I need to worry about?

WP: No, I don’t think there is anything to worry about. But remember Sir, blogs are very public spaces. Anybody can subscribe to your blog.

ME: Oh my… who’s Anybody?

Click

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Missing Person

This is part of the phone calls to Julie series.

Ring, ring

WP:  Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME:  Hi Julie, thank you for taking my call, I’m terribly concerned, My Naked Bokkie is missing.

Click

Ring, ring

WP:  Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME: Hi, I just called a second ago, I think we got disconnected.

WP: Okay sir, how can I help you today?

ME:  I’ve spoken to you before. I called you about my BOOBS… do you remember? You were very helpful the last time I called.

WP: Yes, you sound familiar… how may I help you today?

ME:  Hey, have you read my blog, Brown Road Chronicles, yet?  It’s very funny.

WP:  Sir, no I still have not read your blog… in fact, chances are I will never read your blog… as I told you last time, WordPress has over 300,000 blogs and I can’t read them all.  We are very busy today, is there something I can help you with?

ME:  Hmmm… that’s too bad, it’s very funny.  I think you’d like it.  Have you ever read the Mindslam?

WP:  SIR, NO, I HAVE NOT READ THE MINDSLAM! NOW IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN HELP YOU WITH TODAY?

ME:  Oh… I’m sorry.  I know you are very busy, thank you for taking my call. I’m very concerned, My Naked Bokkie is missing.

WP:  Sir, please stop that… I don’t know what you’re talking about… you say something is missing?

ME:  No, no, not some-THING… some-ONE is missing.  I’d like to file a missing person’s report.

WP:  Sir, if you think someone is missing, you shouldn’t be speaking to me, you should be contacting your local police department.

ME:  Yes, yes… I know…  I did call the police, but they weren’t very helpful and they suggested that I call you.  In fact they were very mean and disrespectful… then they abruptly hung up on me… they aren’t nearly as friendly as you are Julie.  I tried to contact Edmonton Tourist also?

WP:  Uhhh… Edmonton Tourist… is that like a magazine or something?

ME:  No, that’s a person… a friend of mine.

WP:  Oh… well sir, thank you for your kind remarks, but I don’t think I can help you either. This is just a technical support line.

ME:  But you were so helpful last time… I thought maybe… you know… you could help me file a missing person’s report.

WP:  Okay, sir… look, I’ll play along.  Who is missing?

ME:  My Naked Bokkie.

WP:  Uhhh… Excuse me?

ME:  My Naked Bokkie.

WP:  Your naked what?  I’m sorry sir… I don’t understand what you are saying.

ME: Myyyyy Naaaaaakedddd Baaaaakkeeee.

WP: Okay, I got it… please, you don’t have to be condescending to me.

ME: Oh my, I am terribly sorry, I just thought, you know, if I spoke slower…

WP: Okay, so this person… what did you say… your Naked Bokkie… is missing?

ME: No, not YOUR Naked Bokkie… MY Naked Bokkie.

WP: That’s what I said, your Naked Bokkie… okay, okay… mine, yours, whatever… why do you think this person is missing?

ME: Well because she writes a blog called Husbands for Hire and it hasn’t been updated for several weeks.

WP: Aaaah… so this is a blogger you are referring to?

ME: Yes, yes… a blogger…

WP: Sir, this blogger is probably just busy with work and other stuff.  Sometimes people have to take a little break from their blogs to catch up on other things.

ME:  Oh my… they do?

WP: Yes, most bloggers do… don’t you ever take a break from your blogging?

ME: Oh no… last time we spoke you told me I had Obsessive Blogging Disorder and that I should keep blogging as often as possible.  Plus my blog has become very popular… almost as popular as The Big Sheep Blog…you really should take some time to read it… it’s…

WP: PLEASE SIR, we’ve already discussed this!  Yes, you are correct, I did tell you to keep blogging.  But it’s okay to take a break every once in a while.  That’s probably what your friend is doing.  I don’t think there is anything to be concerned about.

ME: Oh… okay… you know what… Walks with Stress was missing for awhile too… and she just came back recently and told us she was busy writing a book.  So you think everything is okay?

WP:  Walks with who…. oh forget it… yes, I think everything is probably okay.

ME: Are you sure?

WP: Yes… I’m sure… is there anything else I can help you with today?

ME:  Do you ever read P.O.R.N.?

Click

To all my readers, I tried to link to as many of you as possible ’cause you all rock, but had to limit the linkages to a few folks who were my first contacts when I joined WordPress… except Emily, of course, but I just had to fit the word PORN in this post!  I guess this is my crazy way of saying thanks for everybody’s support!  To any new readers, please check out my blogroll, there’s lots of great stuff there!  Happy reading!

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BOOBS

Ring, ring

WP: Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME: Thank you for taking my call, I am terribly concerned, I think I might be developing BOOBS.

Click

Ring, ring

WP: Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME: Hi, I just called a second ago, I think we got disconnected.

WP: Okay sir, how can I help you today?

ME: I think I’m developing BOOBS.

WP: This isn’t funny sir… is there something I can help you with?

ME: Have you seen my blog, Brown Road Chronicles?

WP: I am sorry sir, no I haven’t. WordPress has over 300,000 blogs, I can’t read all of them.

ME: It’s a great blog… about country living and other funny stuff.

WP: I am sure it is… Is there something I can assist you with today… besides your BOOBS?

ME: I think my blog is broken.

WP: You think your blog is broken?

ME: Yes, it doesn’t appear to be working properly… and I think I am developing BOOBS.

WP: Sir, please stop that or I will hang up! Can you give me some details about what doesn’t seem to be working properly.

ME: Well, it’s not tracking visitors like it should be.

WP: You mean on your stats page?

ME: Yes, yes, exactly, on the stats page. It’s not tracking visitors correctly.

WP: What makes you think it is not tracking visitors correctly?

ME: Well, I’ve checked my stats page 846 times today and it’s only showing 11 hits. I’ve been getting 60-90 hits per day.

WP: Well sir, some days are better than others, maybe it’s just a slow day.

ME: No, it can’t be a slow day, I wrote a story about Macaroni and Cheese yesterday. It was funny and I thought it would generate lots of hits today.

WP: Well sir, some days your subscribers just get busy and they don’t have the time that day to visit and read your blog… and maybe it just wasn’t as funny as you thought.

ME: No, no that’s not it… my subscribers all visited, I don’t have very many of those but it looks like they’ve all been hanging around because they’ve left comments. But I’m not getting all those extra hits that I usually get. You know, from the people that don’t leave comments.

WP: Well, sir, have you written anything new today?

ME: Can you excuse me just a second, the light on my phone is blinking. I may have some comments to read.

WP: Uh… okay?

A few minutes later

ME: Hi, I am back, sorry it was just some spam about one of those… you know… male enhancement medicines. Have you read my post about Cialis?

WP: No, I haven’t.  Now where… where were we? Oh yes, have you written anything new today?

ME: No, not yet.

WP: Well, maybe you need to write something new and post it today. One of the five ways of increasing blog readership is to write and post valuable content frequently.

ME: But I don’t have anything interesting or valuable to write today. I’ve only been at this for a month and I’m already running out of good ideas.

WP: Okay, well that happens sometimes. Have you read anyone else’s blog and left comments on their pages.

ME: No, I haven’t had time to do that today. I’ve been too busy checking my stats page.

WP: Well, maybe you just need to take a few days off and not write anything and don’t worry about your stats. I think it’s tracking properly though, I think today’s just a slow day and I am sorry that you’ve only had 11 visitors.

ME: No, I think it must be broken. My stories are really good!

WP: Yes, I am sure they are. Most bloggers think their stories are really good. Most bloggers have this delusion that they are going to be famous authors someday, when in reality the majority will just disappear eventually. I am sorry that you only have 11 hits today but I am confident that your site is not broken.

ME: But I’ve been getting 60-90 hits a day, I even got 95 one day when I wrote about my guitar and I got 91 one day when I wrote about getting Freshly Pressed.

WP: Yes, I understand, sir, but I still don’t think anything is wrong with your site.

ME: Well… can you log onto the site and see if anything looks out of place.

WP: Sir… I am sure nothing is out of place but I will take a look.

5 minutes later

WP: Hello, are you still there?

ME: Yes, I am still here. I checked my stats page 27 times while you had me on hold and I still only have 11 visitors. And I think I might be developing BOOBS.

WP: Sir, I don’t know what you are talking about with your BOOBS. But I checked the site and nothing was amiss. But I am concerned that you might be developing OBD.

ME: OBD, what is that?

WP: OBD is Obsessive Blogging Disorder. It is characterized by excessive-compulsive blogging activities like writing articles when you don’t have anything interesting to write about and constantly checking your blog stats to see how many people visited your site.

ME: Oh my, that sounds frightening, do you think I am checking it too often? I just looked at it 12 times while you were talking. Do you think I have, uh, what did you call it OBD?

WP: Yes, it sounds like you may have the onset of OBD.

ME: You think I have the onset of OBD? I think I am developing BOOBS. What can I do about this?

WP: Sir, this is not funny, stop talking about your BOOBS.

ME: Oh, sorry… I am not talking about MY boobs. BOOBS is just an acronym I made up for Badly Obsessing Over Blog Statistics. I think I am developing BOOBS.

WP: You are not developing BOOBS sir, but you are at high risk for OBD.

ME: Is there something I can do about it?

WP: Well, at present there doesn’t seem to be any cure. We recommend you just keep blogging. In fact, here at WordPress, we’ve instituted a post-a-day competition to try to help people work through the OBD condition.

ME: Oh, well maybe I could do that.

WP: But sir, you just told me you didn’t have anything interesting to write about today.

ME: Well I don’t really.

WP: So how are you going to post something today?

ME: Well, I don’t know… maybe I could post something about Obsessive Blogging Disorder or about me developing BOOBS.

WP: Sir, seriously! Stop it with the BOOBS! I think that it would be a good idea for you to start writing something. If you start typing it might help you be less concerned about your stats. Is there anything else I can help you with?

ME: No, thank you so much! You have been a big help… but now I need to get started writing.  Have a good day.

WP: You too and thank you for calling WordPress. Goodbye.

Click

ME: Okay, how do I get started… let’s see… oh, I know…

Begin typing…

Ring, ring

WP: Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie how can I help you today…………

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