This is a new children’s vlog series I am developing, kind of a Mr. Rogers type character, where “Mr. Steve” reads stories to kids. I thought I could promote some of my kids writing this way. This first episode focuses on my classic story about careers; Daddy Daddy What Do You Do? which I wrote back in April. Please let me know what you think.
You can read Mommy Mommy here.
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10. The average age of patients in a urologists office is somewhere between old… and really freaking old, and while I just wanted to not be able to make babies anymore, I suspect the other guests had much more serious issues… like just wanting to be able to pee.
9. It will likely be the only time in my life that I will lie wide awake and completely coherent on a table, and talk about sports and my job and my kids and my life… while another man handles my genitals. We could just as easily have been sitting at the bar having a beer.
8. The young couple that walked in after me with the newborn baby in the car carrier… well, that’s either one hard-ass kid who has already driven them to call it quits… or unplanned. Either situation is entirely possible.
7. Those fantasies that some guys might have… not me, of course… you know… about the hot, busty prep nurse… you know… that some other guys might have…yeah… ummm… apparently that only happens in Penthouse magazine.
6. Guys like to share vasectomy stories like war stories. It’s like a rite of passage for guys past child-rearing age. Stuff like “dude, mine swelled up like a freakin’ {insert painfully oversized tropical fruit here}.”
5. Everyone says you should use a bag of peas as an ice pack. I chose not to do that because I could not get this thought out of my head… “hey kids, its dinner time, were having chicken and potatoes and the peas that your Dad has been holding on his nuts all day.”
4. It takes months to get all the “swimmers” out. These are the hardcore soldiers, the leaders, the over-achievers, the top dogs… the ones who got out before the tunnel collapsed… the ones who saw the sign going up that said “tunnel out… indefinitely” and said, “men, we better get the fuck out of here before they close this highway down.”
3. If you typically wear boxer shorts, as I do, you will need to temporarily switch to briefs, tighty-whiteys, whatever you want to call them… and guys, if you ever thought your flabby, out of shape body looked bad in boxer shorts… well, be glad you only have to wear briefs for a week.
2. If you thought “blue balls” was bad… “black and blue balls” is worse!
…and the number one mostly non-sexual thing I learned from my recent vasectomy…
1. For a few days you can walk around the house bowlegged… like a cowboy… singing Streets of Laredo. I’m not saying I did that… I’m just saying you could… you know… if you were into that sort of thing… pardner.
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Roses are red, violets are blue
Here’s a short poem I’ve written for you
These words, they are here to bring you a smile
To make you feel special and loved for awhile
I’m sorry I didn’t buy roses today
But money’s a little bit tight as you say
So I chose a more fiscally sound endeavor
Some words on a page that will last you forever
See, roses bring joy for a moment in time
The bright, shiny petals, surely sublime
Yet those stunning red flowers that beckon your gaze
Will shrivel and wilt within a few days
But the beauty of words, like a river they flow
The greatest of gifts a man can bestow
When summoned from down in the depths of the soul
With deep adoration, these words they extol
So, carry this with you each day of your life
Each day we awaken as husband and wife
I’ll love you with every ounce of my heart
From the day that we met, ’til the day we depart
Happy Valentine’s Day!
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One day we discovered we were having a baby.
A sweet little girl or a little boy maybe.
We knew that we shouldn’t wait ’til we met.
To choose you a name that we wouldn’t regret.
We wanted a name that would sound pretty cool.
When the teachers were taking attendance at school.
We wanted a name that would make you unique.
When people would hear it, their interest would pique.
We wanted a name that would fit you just right.
A name that would shine in the day and the night.
We wanted a name that you’d always be proud.
To stand in a group and shout it out loud!
So with nine months to spare we took a long look.
At all of the names in the Baby Names book.
There were so many choices, places to start.
Gertrude or Mabel, Sylvester or Bart?
Some were too simple, some were too weird.
Some were offensive, some were revered.
Some names we read and could barely pronounce.
We knew those were names we shouldn’t announce.
We read through the book from cover to cover.
Wond’ring which wonderful name we’d discover.
Or which of the names we couldn’t resist.
We took out some paper and started a list.
First we selected some names for a boy.
Langston or Humphrey or Tobias-Roy?
Then we selected some names for a girl.
Esperanza or Guinevere or Millicent-Pearl?
But these names just weren’t right, we couldn’t commit.
We knew that these names just didn’t quite fit.
We decided that when you were born we would choose.
Which name you would get, there’d be nothing to lose.
It seemed like the time, it stood still, so to speak.
As your mother got bigger and bigger each week.
Then finally one day she was ready to blow!
She said to me “honey I think we should go!”
We rushed to the hospital faster than fast.
The day that we’d name you, it was here at last.
On the way out the door I snatched up the Book.
In case that we needed to take one last look.
Several hours later you entered our lives.
The birthing room filled up with cheers and high fives.
I looked at your Mom and said as I smiled.
“You get to choose the name for this child.”
On that wonderful day when we finally met.
We chose Madeline as the name you would get.
‘Cause Madeline is the name that was best!
The name with which you will always be blessed!
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The Brown Road Chronicles 