Look, I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never been very good at the whole romance part of a relationship. It’s not that I’m not a good, loyal, loving husband and a caring, dedicated, involved father. It’s just that I’ve never been very good at the whole flowers and jewelry and wine and dine and “sweep her off her feet” routine. Sure, I can pull it off occasionally but it’s just not necessarily my thing… okay, there I said it! On the other hand, where I do excel is being handy. I am handy around the house. I can fix things, I can build stuff, I can install doors and floors and lay ceramic tile in the bathrooms. I’m not as handy as some guys, and I don’t have any training in any of these skills – I just figure it out as I go along, but somehow it always seems to work out okay. I also know when a project is over my head, beyond my skill level and when it’s time to call a professional in to get the job done quickly and efficiently and accurately, but I figure I have saved us literally thousands of dollars over the years by being too cheap to just pick up the phone and call someone.
Sometimes I wish my handiness could somehow be translated into my, you know… what’s the word… uh… romantic… ness. Because you know what? Frankly, tools CAN BE SEXY!
James Taylor said it best in his song Handyman:
“Hey girls, gather ‘round
Listen to what I’m putting down
Hey baby, I’m your handyman”
So, all you guys out there, you know that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner? Yeah, seriously, it’s about a week away, don’t fuck it up again this year. Here’s my plan… c’mon, follow along… I think this will work.
ME: Hey baby, I got you something for Valentine’s Day.
HER: Oh, that’s so sweet! Wow, it’s heavy!
ME: Yeah, it’s packed full of love baby, I think you’ll like it!
HER: Opens gift. Oh, what is it… it looks like a toolbox?
ME: Yeah baby, it’s a toolbox just for you.
HER: Uh… why’d you get me a toolbox?
ME: Well, I’m trying to translate my skills at being handy into my… you know… romanticism… isn’t that sweet? See, open it up… all these tools inside… you know… tools can be SEXY and ROMANTIC. Like these nails… you know… ’cause you’re the nails that hold my life together… and these pliers… ’cause I’ll always hold you tight, baby, ’cause you’ve got a vice grip on my heart… and this planer here… that’s so whenever you are having a rough day… I’ll be there to help take the edge off… cool, huh?
HER: Uh… seriously… you got me a toolbox?
ME: Yeah baby, check it out… see this hammer… ’cause, like I know sometimes I’m hard-headed and make you want to pull your nails out, but I really do love you more than anything… isn’t that awesome? Let’s see what else is in here…. how about this level… ’cause I’m so level-headed… you know… isn’t that cool? You always level with me and I’ll always level with you. HOT huh? And look, here’s a measuring tape… what do you think that means?
HER: Uh… I can only imagine… something to do with the length of your… oh nevermind…
ME: Ha Ha… no baby… seriously… it’s like… let’s go the distance… like I’m totally committed… isn’t that sexy baby?
HER: I’m starting to think you need to be committed… like to a mental health ward!
ME: Awww, c’mon baby… check this out… look at this saw… you know… the first tiiimmmme…. ever I saaaaaaw yoouurr faaace… HOT huh? That’s Roberta Flack baby.
HER: Giggling. Yeah, I know that song…
ME: Yeah baby, I knew you’d like this stuff… check out this hacksaw here… ’cause you look so sharp, you could cut through metal… like BUTTA!
HER: You’re such a dork!
ME: Baby, you’re so hot when you’re being cynical!
HER: Pulling out another tool. What’s this?
ME: Baby… that’s a chisel… for carving out my six-pack abs… for you baby! How SMOKIN’ HOT is that?
HER: laughing I don’t think it’s working… maybe the chisel isn’t sharp enough!
ME: Yeah, I know… it’s the thought though right? Hey check out this wrench, baby… what do you think it means?
HER: I don’t know… you’d better not make any snide comments about me being a wench.
ME: Ha ha… no baby, it’s like… hey if you keep my nuts and bolts adjusted… we’ll always have a tight, solid, stable relationship.
HER: Uh… seriously… did you really just say that?
ME: Yeah… isn’t that HOT… and this ratchet set here… ’cause you can turn me on in even the tiniest of spaces.
ME: Yeah, I know, that’s totally HOT baby, right?
HER: Reaches in and pulls out another tool. What’s this for?
ME: That’s a wood rasp baby… ’cause sometimes it’s better rough and sometimes it’s better smooth… yeah baby… WOO HOO… isn’t that totally HOT baby?
HER: How about this screwdriver… let me guess… ’cause you like to screw?
ME: WOW, that is SO TOTALLY AWESOME!! See, you’re starting to get the hang of it… man, I knew you’d love this gift!
HER: Uh, yeah, well it is different…
ME: Yeah I know it totally rocks doesn’t it? Tools are totally sexy, right?
HER: Um… well… yeah…uh… sure… sexy… what’s this drill for?
ME: C’mon, baby… you can guess… what do think it’s for?
HER: Giggling. I know… if I show you my bits… you have to show me your drill?
ME: ROCK ON DUDE! Yeah, totally awesome, that was so FREAKIN’ HOT… I love you MAN!
HER: Okay, you’re right… that’s was a pretty cool gift… I suppose we should go have sex or something now?
ME: Yeah baby, wow, that’s so HOT… but, hey I have a better idea…
HER: And what would that be?
ME: C’mon, baby, grab the car keys… Home Depot is having a sale on power tools… now THAT’S HOT!!!
Hope you all have a “constructive” Valentine’s Day!