The Top Ten mostly non-sexual things I learned from my recent vasectomy

10. The average age of patients in a urologists office is somewhere between old… and really freaking old, and while I just wanted to not be able to make babies anymore, I suspect the other guests had much more serious issues… like just wanting to be able to pee.

9. It will likely be the only time in my life that I will lie wide awake and completely coherent on a table, and talk about sports and my job and my kids and my life… while another man handles my genitals. We could just as easily have been sitting at the bar having a beer.

8. The young couple that walked in after me with the newborn baby in the car carrier… well, that’s either one hard-ass kid who has already driven them to call it quits… or unplanned. Either situation is entirely possible.

7. Those fantasies that some guys might have… not me, of course… you know… about the hot, busty prep nurse… you know… that some other guys might have…yeah… ummm… apparently that only happens in Penthouse magazine.

6. Guys like to share vasectomy stories like war stories. It’s like a rite of passage for guys past child-rearing age. Stuff like “dude, mine swelled up like a freakin’ {insert painfully oversized tropical fruit here}.”

5. Everyone says you should use a bag of peas as an ice pack. I chose not to do that because I could not get this thought out of my head… “hey kids, its dinner time, were having chicken and potatoes and the peas that your Dad has been holding on his nuts all day.”

4. It takes months to get all the “swimmers” out. These are the hardcore soldiers, the leaders, the over-achievers, the top dogs… the ones who got out before the tunnel collapsed… the ones who saw the sign going up that said “tunnel out… indefinitely” and said, “men, we better get the fuck out of here before they close this highway down.”

3. If you typically wear boxer shorts, as I do, you will need to temporarily switch to briefs, tighty-whiteys, whatever you want to call them… and guys, if you ever thought your flabby, out of shape body looked bad in boxer shorts… well, be glad you only have to wear briefs for a week.

2. If you thought “blue balls” was bad… “black and blue balls” is worse!

…and the number one mostly non-sexual thing I learned from my recent vasectomy…

1. For a few days you can walk around the house bowlegged… like a cowboy… singing Streets of Laredo. I’m not saying I did that… I’m just saying you could… you know… if you were into that sort of thing… pardner.

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32 Comments

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32 responses to “The Top Ten mostly non-sexual things I learned from my recent vasectomy

  1. Richard Wiseman

    Okay! That’s the way it is! very funny, in a ‘you just reminded me of ball pain’ kind of way. Here goes my vasectomy story. When I had had mine I got a cab home and had just got in the door when I realized my leg felt wet. I looked down and there was blood all down my leg. I called a cab, smoked a cigarette and drank a whiskey laced coffee. When I got back to the hospital the male nurse had been replaced by a young female nurse. The doctor put more stitches in without even so much as a local, ‘just like bee sting’ my backside, and then left the nurse to clean up. The young nurse wiped one side of the genital area and looked at my penis not wanting to touch it, even in surgical gloves. I looked at her and said ‘Do you want me to move that? Only I’m not sure I should as they told me not lift heavy weights after the operation.’ I got a laugh and moved it the other way for her!

  2. bigsheepcommunications

    Steve, I wish you a speedy recovery, but from a female perspective, reading about your vasectomy is probably a lot like a guy having to read about the details of childbirth. It was, uh, uncomfortable…

  3. Rich Crete

    #6 is so true and weird. Before guys have one, they won’t even say the word or will only whisper it and NEVER in front of a female. After? “Hey Everyone! Let me tell you…”

  4. Congratulations on your new membership in the Brotherhood of Ethical Husbands! Amusing post, too. Here’s another parody to sing around the house:

    “All the boys have left the ship,
    since the man upstairs got the snip.
    Pregnant seas, a fading dream
    with vasectomized submarines.

    WE DON’T LIVE IN
    the yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine.”

  5. Yee-ouch! Glad you survived. Number five was hysterical. My husband went ahead and used the frozen peas anyway. And number four is very true so be extra careful for awhile.

  6. Can’t wait until someone I love goes in for the big snip. 😉

    I probably won’t show this to him until after.

    • Actually you should share it if he’s thinking about it. It really was not a big deal and the recovery was nothing. Some guys have it worse I guess. Interestingly there is an article in this months GQ magazine about it. That guy makes is sound a lot worse!

  7. I have a brother-in-law who has his reversed. You see, he and his first wife were a genertic combination that wasn’t good, but after they dvorced and he married my sister, they wanted children. Hence the reversal. Back in those days (the eldest is about to have her second child) reversals were not too successful – one child was considered a big success. My sister had four.

    My brother-in-law says the reversal was WAY WAY WAY worse than the actual vasectomy.

    As for doctors poking and prodding – well, I’ve had both genders poke and prod my bits at various times – it is just medical stuff!

  8. It sounds a bit painful and necessary … like … my arms under a boulder so I better cut it off, if I want to get out of here.

    note: my Will has all my nieces and nephews as the benefactors; I keep them in line by saying that I will produce an offspring when I’m 80.
    I think they don’t think I really want to give them any money for some reason.

  9. #5 … HAHAHAHA! This is very funny but I think it’s a good idea. I had looked into getting my tubes tied a while back as I’m certainly not of the mind to have any children (I have one) and it was such an invasive procedure and I would have had to be off my feet I think, for a week or something? Oh my, no.

    • Sounds like the “female version” of this surgery is much more complicated.

      • I was, I googled it, looked at pictures and it was quite the ordeal. I was talking to a guy friend who knew someone who had it done and he said “oh she was only off her feet for 4/5 days… I thought, 4/5 days?!? Noooo… the googling began, started seeing pictures and thoroughly frightened I thought… yah, birth control. Excellent method 🙂

  10. I’d had no idea the little guys could hang around for a few months. Like in a bomb shelter, waiting for the fallout to fade.

  11. I got an especially good chuckle out of #4! Rotflmao I was always taught in school they were little salmon, soldiers are much more macho!

  12. You SO make my day. I SO miss when you don’t post. I love your view of anything. I hope I get to meet you in real life someday. You’re my hero. My husband would, I’m sure, love to swap “V” stories with you! Coming from the female side, I’m glad he did it since I had the kids! Only fair in my book. Loved the comments here almost as much as your post!

    • Well, I think that might we one of the nicest comments I have ever received! Thanks! I haven’t been posting much and it’s kind of driving me nuts but sometimes the posts just aren’t there and I don’t like to put something out there just for the sake of writing something. Hoping I can get back into a more regular “groove”!

  13. Well, good on ya! I think it depends on the kinds of things you’ve lived through up until said procedure. Most of the men I know (not counting at my job), go, “Pfft. Whatever.” Our lives are quite a bit “harsher.” The guy AT WORK however, trade stories. My brother was carrying the 3yo and taking the big uns to Steak and Shake later the same day. My dad went back to work. Not saying what you went through wasn’t horrible! If you’ve been gored by a bull, it probably wasn’t as bad as that, though!

  14. Everything I wanted to know about vasectomies but was to afraid to know I wanted to know it.

  15. It’s natural to resist ‘alterations.’ I’ve had a Lasik surgery on my eyes, correction of a deviated septum for my nose, and a hysterectomy. I can drive to a party without wearing glasses. I won’t sneeze at the wrong time or cough through a movie, and I never have to worry about what time of the month it is. It’s the bomb! I don’t know why I resisted. I want to get a Lifestyle Lift, but I don’t want to look like those nurses in Escape from L.A. Yikes!

  16. Googled “Streets of Laredo”. Pretty sure there are some good substitute lyrics there involving peas… I just couldn’t do it. That whole swimmers thing is kind of freaky.

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