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The Top Ten mostly non-sexual things I learned from my recent vasectomy

10. The average age of patients in a urologists office is somewhere between old… and really freaking old, and while I just wanted to not be able to make babies anymore, I suspect the other guests had much more serious issues… like just wanting to be able to pee.

9. It will likely be the only time in my life that I will lie wide awake and completely coherent on a table, and talk about sports and my job and my kids and my life… while another man handles my genitals. We could just as easily have been sitting at the bar having a beer.

8. The young couple that walked in after me with the newborn baby in the car carrier… well, that’s either one hard-ass kid who has already driven them to call it quits… or unplanned. Either situation is entirely possible.

7. Those fantasies that some guys might have… not me, of course… you know… about the hot, busty prep nurse… you know… that some other guys might have…yeah… ummm… apparently that only happens in Penthouse magazine.

6. Guys like to share vasectomy stories like war stories. It’s like a rite of passage for guys past child-rearing age. Stuff like “dude, mine swelled up like a freakin’ {insert painfully oversized tropical fruit here}.”

5. Everyone says you should use a bag of peas as an ice pack. I chose not to do that because I could not get this thought out of my head… “hey kids, its dinner time, were having chicken and potatoes and the peas that your Dad has been holding on his nuts all day.”

4. It takes months to get all the “swimmers” out. These are the hardcore soldiers, the leaders, the over-achievers, the top dogs… the ones who got out before the tunnel collapsed… the ones who saw the sign going up that said “tunnel out… indefinitely” and said, “men, we better get the fuck out of here before they close this highway down.”

3. If you typically wear boxer shorts, as I do, you will need to temporarily switch to briefs, tighty-whiteys, whatever you want to call them… and guys, if you ever thought your flabby, out of shape body looked bad in boxer shorts… well, be glad you only have to wear briefs for a week.

2. If you thought “blue balls” was bad… “black and blue balls” is worse!

…and the number one mostly non-sexual thing I learned from my recent vasectomy…

1. For a few days you can walk around the house bowlegged… like a cowboy… singing Streets of Laredo. I’m not saying I did that… I’m just saying you could… you know… if you were into that sort of thing… pardner.

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