Tag Archives: daddy

Stories with Mr. Steve

This is a new children’s vlog series I am developing, kind of a Mr. Rogers type character, where “Mr. Steve” reads stories to kids. I thought I could promote some of my kids writing this way.  This first episode focuses on my classic story about careers; Daddy Daddy What Do You Do? which I wrote back in April. Please let me know what you think.

You can read Mommy Mommy here.

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Daddy, Daddy, What Do You Do?

As you know I’ve been talking a lot recently about writing a kids book, so I came up with the idea to write about children asking about their Fathers careers, using a format similar to the “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, what do you see?” classic children’s book.  I thought it might be inspirational for kids to read about the things fathers do to earn a living.  Let me know what you think. The concept would go something like this:

Page 1:  Daddy, Daddy, what do you do? (turn page)

Page 2:  Daddy is a…………. You can be a……………. too!

Page 3:  Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?   Etc.

I’m looking for a talented illustrator for this project… I think it could be a hit!

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is an Astronaut.  I fly into space.  You can be an Astronaut too if you study hard and do well in school.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Firefighter.  I fight fires and help people who’s houses are burning or who are injured in an accident.  You can be a Firefighter too and save people’s lives.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Doctor.  I help people who are sick get better.  You can be a Doctor too and spend most of your time dealing with insurance company regulations and other government bullshit.  Then you’ll only have time to see your patients for about two minutes each visit.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Police Officer.  I help protect the public from people who want to do bad things, like drug dealers and rapists and murderers.  You can be a Police Officer too and get paid a shit salary even though you have to deal with crazy, armed, meth-soaked criminals and dirty crack-whores.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Politician.  I take people’s tax money and spend it on drugs and hookers.  When I am not doing that I try to pass legislation that fucks over the little people.  You can be a Politician too and make a difference by sucking the life out of your community.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Corporate Manager.  I sit in a cubicle all day and drink coffee and pretend to be productive.  You can be a Corporate Manager too if you just go to college.  Even if you party too much and smoke a lot of weed and your grades suck you can still get a high-level corporate job like your old man.  Any stupid-ass kid like you can get through college these days.  Then you just have to be able to kiss-ass a lot and sit through lots of meetings with other douchebags.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Line Worker.  I help assemble parts for my company and I do the same repetitive thing over and over thousands of times each day.  You can be a Line Worker too and have a hellish monotony of a life.  But you get to take lots of union breaks and sometimes you can even go to work falling down drunk. No one will care because the union has your back.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you?

Daddy is a Retail Store Manager.  I have to stock and sell merchandise and work all of the time, including the weekends.  I also have to manage a bunch of low-life employees that don’t show up to work and I have to deal with customers that are mostly just assholes.  You can be a Retail Store Manager too and get paid minimum wage if you just have no motivation to do anything better with your life.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Salesperson.  I travel around and try to sell widgets to companies that don’t really need them.  Mostly I just hand out free promotional crap to self-serving, prick customers that want nothing other than to beat me down on price.  You can be a Salesperson too and live in flea-bag hotels all the time and someday maybe even bring bed-bugs home.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Professional Athlete.  I play a game and they pay me more money than you’ll ever see in your crap life.  Because I have so much money I can have crazy, random sex with women other than your Mom and get lots of DUI’s and no one really cares.  You can be a Professional Athlete too, just start shooting steroids into your ass right away.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Realtor.  That means people pay me to help them sell their house for much less than they paid for it. Then they have to go live in a homeless shelter.  You can be a Realtor too and then you will have to go live in a homeless shelter because the economy and the housing market has been in the shit-can for almost ten years and it isn’t coming back anytime soon.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Writer.  I write books.  A couple of my books were published a few years back but immediately ended up in the remainder sale at Barnes & Noble at 90% off.  Mostly Daddy just writes books that no one wants to publish or read.  You can be a Writer too if you go to college and get a worthless degree in literature.  Then you can also be a Bartender and serve drinks all night in a smoke-filled bar to alcoholics.  If you’re lucky you might even be able to afford to pay your rent.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is an Accountant.  I help people pay their taxes.  I also help people hide their money from the IRS because the U.S. tax system is so incredibly fucked up.   You can be an Accountant too and mind-numbingly type on an adding machine all day and help people with audits until you want to kill yourself from sheer boredom.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is an Attorney.  I specialize in personal injury law. Sometimes people call me an Ambulance Chaser.  That’s why I have a big picture of my face on the back of the phone book, and all those ads on the TV during the day, when all the injured people are at home waiting for their disability checks. You can be an Attorney too, you just have to go to any law school, even if it’s one in Nicaragua.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is unemployed because the corporation I worked for over the last 30 years laid me off and threw me out in the street two years ago.  That’s why Daddy drinks too much and sits home watching internet-porn while Mommy has to work at Wal-Mart in the middle of the night.

See, there’s lot of exciting things you can do to earn a living when you grow up.  Then you can retire and live in a nursing home.

THE END

Want to Read the Mommy version?  Click here!

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Father and Son

To all of you reading this for the first time, although it sounds as if I may be referring to my father thankfully he is still around although admittedly with his share of health problems. I did lose my mother to cancer at age 60 back in 2002 so I have experienced the trauma of losing a parent early in life.  I am trying to conceptualize the lifelong relationship between a father and a son. That could be me with my father as he gets up there in age, my son and I, or anyone of us. As I was writing this I guess I was thinking more in terms of my son’s relationship with me and the events he will experience and possibly have to deal with as he grows older.  Whether this makes you smile or cry, I imagine most of you will relate at some level.  Thanks for reading.

waaaah
Da da
Daddy
Daddy read to me?
Daddy I love you!
Daddy wanna play catch?
Hey Dad, thanks for coaching my team.
Dad I’m so mad that we lost!
Dad are you coming to my game tonight?
Dad can you drive me to the movies?
Dad I have a girlfriend.
Dad can I talk to you about birth control?
Dad how did you know when you were first in love?
Dad when I’m at away at college I promise to call once a week.
Dad I got an A in my chemistry class.
Dad I met a girl that I really like.
Dad I’ve been accepted into the junior year abroad program!
Dad I’m nervous about graduating and finding a job.
Dad thanks for helping me pay for college.
Dad let’s go grab a few beers somewhere.
Dad I got a really great job offer.
Dad I’m getting married!
Dad they want to promote me but it means moving away.
Dad we finally closed on that house we love.
Dad were going to have a baby.
Dad its a boy!
Dad how’d you and Mom survive these toddler years?
Dad how about you and mom coming for Christmas this year, the boys would love to see you, its been awhile.
Dad do you think you and Mom can make it to the graduation in June?
Dad congratulations on your retirement, you deserve it.
Dad are you keeping busy?
Dad I miss you, maybe we can come visit this summer.
Dad, Mom said you haven’t been feeling too well.
Dad we’ll be on a plane tomorrow to come see you.
Dad you’ve lost a lot of weight.
Dad you look so old to me.
Dad thank you for everything you’ve done to make my life so special.
Dad you’ve lived a great life and accomplished so much.
Dad I’ll be sure that Mom’s okay.
Dad its okay to let go.
Dad I love you.
Dad everyone in attendance today is here to honor your life. You were a blessing to so many people, a wonderful husband to Mom, a caring father to your children and a friend to so many.
Dad we will miss you.

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