Tag Archives: writing

June 15, 2012 · 6:58 pm

It’s Not the Size of the Ship…

Okay look, this is hard to admit… but I’ve admitted worse things here at Brown Road Chronicles… so I’m gonna just come right out and say it…

I’m starting to feel a little inadequate… okay, not just a little inadequate… totally inadequate… like really fucking totally inadequate… because mine just isn’t very big. In fact after seeing some of these other ones, I think mine is just plain small! Like… really freakin’ small! I’ve always felt so good about it too, like it was one of the bigger ones, something I could be proud of and show off… and even tell my friends about.  But lately I’ve seen some on-line that are just freakin’ huge! I don’t know how they grew them to be that big. I mean I’ve been working really hard on mine, but it just doesn’t seem to be growing. It was growing for a little while, but lately it has just sort of plateaued and frankly I’m coming to realize that it never really was that big in the first place. I guess I had just told myself it was big… huge even… but it’s clearly not.

My wife even said to me the other day, “Steve, it’s not really as big as you think it is, you’re giving it a lot more credit than it really warrants, and I’ve certainly spent some time with it. I mean, don’t get me wrong, its great and all and you do a great job with it… but it’s pretty small compared to what else is out there.”

Wow, talk about a blow to the ego… my own wife has even noticed. I’ve tried everything too, taken the recommendations of all the experts on ways to increase its size, did the exercises, spent the money on the gimmicks. But I guess those recommendations just don’t really work, well at least they haven’t worked in my case.  I don’t know… I’ll admit it can be a little frustrating. At least it hasn’t started shrinking yet.

I know, I know… I can hear you saying it… it’s not the size that’s really important. I know… really I do. What’s that old saying, “it’s not the size of the ship…” Okay look, I get that, I understand that it’s the relationships and the way you use it to develop those relationships. It’s the response you get to it. It’s the presentation. It’s making someone happy with it. It’s what you get out of it personally.  It’s the release you get from it. Sure, I know it’s all those things, but let’s face it… that’s all so cliché… we all know that the size is important… it just is… especially in this ego driven world we live in. The bigger the better, right?  We all may say the size isn’t important, but we all know it is. It’s what drives us, it’s what gets us up in the morning, it’s what keeps us coming back day after day.

I saw this ad the other day… It seems legit, so I was thinking I might give it a try.

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February 22, 2012 · 9:07 pm

Split Personality Disorder

You know what I’ve often wondered?

You see, I’ve often wondered if my readers might think I have a split personality disorder. Why you ask?  Well, because of the way I can go from one day writing such astonishingly touching posts and the most beautiful, passionate and spiritual love poems and songs worthy of hallmark cards… or beautiful and profound posts about my family and my amazingly blessed and fulfilling life… or charming stories written to enlighten the young people of our world, the future adults and leaders of our society… to the next day writing satirical, profanity laced rants and tirades, about booze and sex and debauchery, and egotistical diatribes about how fucking awesome and handsome I am… posts that are true, but also so incredibly funny that they really should be noticed by the producers of Saturday Night Live or at the very least Mad Magazine. It makes me wonder if perhaps people think there is some kind of a split personality disorder going on here, you know, the way I can just switch it on and off… from one to the other, almost like its two different writers.

We’ll I’m here to set the record straight.  Listen up because this is very important and I want to be sure that I make this very clear to all my loyal and valued readers.

FIRST OF ALL, let me state emphatically that, except for the occasional guest post, good or bad, I am responsible for all of the writing at the Brown Road Chronicles.

And SECONDLY, let me state even more emphatically… I mean, like really fucking emphatically… that I have never been formally diagnosed with a split personality disorder.

In fact… and let’s be absolutely clear here… I am a very level-headed person, very calm, cool and collected and I am entirely passionate about life and love and being a helpful, caring and respected member of my community, and about humanity in general. That’s right, humanity… sometimes that’s all that is important to me, the state of humanity… and compassion too… sometimes I just live and breathe compassion.  You see, that side of me that you sometimes see in my blog, the one who drinks and swears and is obnoxious and who thinks he’s so incredibly handsome and who thinks he’s God’s gift to earth… I mean, sure I admit I’m not a church go-er… but that other guy, well, that’s just a fictional character that I portray… for the ratings… or in this case the stats.

So, I just want to be sure that’s clear that I’m not really like that.  I mean, just because I have a mirror or two in every single room of the house, doesn’t mean I walk around the house looking at myself all the time to make sure my hair is perfect, and I’ve never looked in any of those mirrors and said “dude, you are so fucking good-looking I can’t stand it” or anything even remotely close to that. And no I don’t imbibe all the time like a drunken sailor and there’s no way I would ever have gotten so drunk this past New Year’s Eve and thrown up in my wife’s van. That’s just not me. I especially don’t spend hours upon hours re-reading my funny posts over and over and over… and over again thinking my blog is the greatest blog in the world and should have ten times the numbers of readers that I already have. That’s all just fiction, a ruse, a gimmick, a ploy to move my blog forward as one of the leading WordPress blogs out there. That’s all it is… just business… because if I can get my blog to a level of national prominence, then I can use its stature combined with my incredible handsomeness and charm, to make a profound difference in the world. That’s all I really want… to be able to make a difference in the world and be recognized for the caring, loving, compassionate person that I really am.

So no, don’t be concerned… you can rest assured… I have never been formally diagnosed with a split personality disorder. I mean seriously, why the fuck would you think that anyway, that I have some kind of a split personality disorder? Really, who the fuck gave you the right to offer up a pig-headed, asinine opinion like that? Do you think that’s funny? Do you sit around your house singing “ha ha ha, Steve’s got a split personality disorder, Steve’s got a split personality disorder.” Well I don’t think that’s funny. In fact, I think you’re an asshole for thinking up something like that. I mean, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you… and what the fuck is wrong with wanting to capitalize on my stunning good looks and charming personality for power and financial gain? You don’t like it? Well, that’s not my goddamn problem. And so what if it’s all about… me, me, me… and me feeling good about myself by having lots of readers and a stats page that is cranking out hits like the fucking New York Yankees.  What, you don’t like the fucking New York Yankees… well, what the fuck do you know anyway.

Anyhow, I just wanted to be sure you all understood that I really am a sweet, caring, likeable guy who is so totally indebted to and appreciative of all of you wonderful loyal readers.  Thanks for being the most wonderful blogging friends a guy could have.

And let me reiterate one more time here… I have never been formally diagnosed with a split personality disorder.

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February 21, 2012 · 3:26 pm

Stories with Mr. Steve

This is a new children’s vlog series I am developing, kind of a Mr. Rogers type character, where “Mr. Steve” reads stories to kids. I thought I could promote some of my kids writing this way.  This first episode focuses on my classic story about careers; Daddy Daddy What Do You Do? which I wrote back in April. Please let me know what you think.

You can read Mommy Mommy here.

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January 3, 2012 · 12:34 pm

I Wanna Write (Write!)

All you readers who, like me, grew up on 1980’s hair bands remember the classic Twisted Sister song “I Wanna Rock”. I heard this on the radio on New Years Eve and it reminded me what an amazingly profound and lyrical song it was, especially coming from a crazy, make-up covered heavy metal band from Long Island where I lived as a kid.

Then it hit me what a great song it would be to scream out loud for all of us that wish we could be writers, but who know that you can’t really make a living that way… or at least the odds are pretty bad… and you’ll most likely just end up a drunken, depressed mess, living in a van down by the river.

So I edited the words a little bit.  It wasn’t that hard because… well… umm… there are not a lot of words… but make sure you read all the way to the end because there’s some good stuff towards the end.  Now, go ahead and put on your head-banging, big hair and your leopard patterned stretch pants and sing along and have fun! You know you want to!

If you aren’t familiar with the song… well, shame on you… but here’s a video to remind you!

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xcy84t_twisted-sister-i-wanna-rock_music

I Wanna Write!

I wanna write!
(write!)
I wanna write!
(write!)

I wanna write!
(write!)
I wanna write!
(write!)

Get a life, you say
Well, all I got to say to you is time and time again
I say “No, no, no, no, no, no, no”

Go to work, you say
Well, all I got to say to you when you tell me go to work
I say, “No, no, no, no, no, no, no”

So, if you ask me why I like the way I write it
There’s only one thing I can say to you

I wanna write!
(write!)
I wanna write!
(write!)

I wanna write!
(write!)
I wanna write!
(write!)

There’s a feelin’ that I get from writin’ words
And there ain’t nothin’ in the world
That makes me go, go, go, go, go, go, go

Turn the laptop on
I’ve waited for so long so I could write a famous book
So let’s go, go, go, go, go, go, go

When it’s like this I feel the words shootin’ through me
There’s nothin’ else that I would rather do

I wanna write!
(write!)
I wanna write!
(write!)

I wanna write!
(write!)
I wanna write!
(write!)

I wanna write!
(write!)
I wanna write!
(write!)

I wanna write!
(write!)
write!
(write!)
write!
(write!)

I wanna write!
(write!)
write!
(write!)
write!
(write!)

I wanna write!
(write!)
write!
(write!)
write!
(write!)

I wanna write!
(write!)
write!
(write!)
write!
(write!)
I wanna write!

I wanna write!
(write!)
I wanna write!
(write!)

I wanna write!
(write!)
I wanna write!
(write!)

I wanna write!
(write!)
write!
(write!)
write!
(write!)

I wanna write!
(write!)
write!
(write!)
write!
(write!)

I wanna write!
(write!)
write!
(write!)
write!
(write!)

I wanna write!
(write!)
write!
(write!)
write!
(write!)

I wanna write!

Good stuff, huh? Now, perhaps if I stopped wasting time on silly posts like this I’d get something accomplished!

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