Tag Archives: goats

December 17, 2011 · 11:43 am

When Goats Eat Remotes

If you’ve ever had goats, you know they will eat almost anything.

Well…

On Monday my goats ate ten Root Beer floats.
Now when they poop,
It looks like bean soup.

On Tuesday my goats ate all of my coats.
Now when they’re old,
They’ll never be cold.

On Wednesday my goats ate all of my boats.
Now when they pee,
It smells like the sea.

On Thursday my goats ate my anecdotes.
Now they tell stories,
And deep allegories.

On Friday my goats ate all of my votes.
Now one of their goals,
Is to go to the polls.

On Saturday my goats ate all of my quotes.
Now they both speak,
With lots of mystique.

On Sunday my goats ate all my remotes.
Now when they fart,
My TV shows start.

So we took them to the vet…

And at the vets suggestion…

So they don’t get indigestion…

On Monday my goats will only eat Oats…

Because that’s what goats are supposed to eat!

 

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July 13, 2011 · 3:36 pm

Goats That Eat Their Own Legs

I try not to dwell on the search terms that bring people to my blog.  Apparently some of the words and phrases I have used sporadically throughout my posts have a tendency to attract some sordid characters of less than stellar moral virtue.  I won’t go into details as I don’t want you to throw up in your mouth.

Yesterday, however, while checking my stats page (have I ever mentioned that I like to check my stats page?) I glanced down to the search terms and discovered this:

borders.com goat that ate its own legs book

WHAT?!?!?!

Have I ever mentioned that I have goats?

Well, I do… I have two of them… and so far neither one has eaten its own legs.  Just as importantly, neither has attempted to eat the other goats legs. I will tell you they do eat all kinds of other stuff, including plastic and paper… but so far no body parts.  Is that even a possibility that my goats could eat their own legs?  Rubbish… I’ve never heard of such a thing!

I really like my goats and have become quite attached to them.  Well, not literally attached, but you know what I mean. They’re like dogs with horns, except only one of them still has his horns. I’ll tell you, we get along smashingly well!  Except for the time I was bending over to pick something up and one of them head butted me so hard that I thought I was going to pass out… but I’m over that now.  Now we get along fabulously! Except for that time that one of them was licking my arm and then bit me, but I don’t hold grudges. Oh, and there was that time just recently that we were putting up fence to protect our garden… you know, from the goats… and one of them kept rubbing on the fence and knocking it over… but we’ve worked that out.  Of course, there was that time that one of them chewed the wires on my lawnmower… and on our bikes.  But, hey, these things happen and we’ve kissed and made up.  Well, not literally kissed, but you know what I mean.

Anyhow, as I said, we get along well.  We hang out in the yard.  We take walks together.  I even let one of them take a sip from my wine glass the other night.  He really liked it and so then I understood why we get along so well.  It’s a special relationship, that between man and goat.  Hey, get your mind out of the damn gutter…

Anyhow, I was perplexed that our goats had not come with any kind of warning that there was the possibility of them eating their own legs.  I was deeply concerned because a goat with no legs would not be nearly as fun to be around as one with legs.  I’d have to put them on a leash and then drag them down the road, and who needs that? So I googled this search expression and found that there is actually a book titled My Goat Ate Its Own Legs: Tales for Adults.  Well thank goodness it’s for adults! It certainly doesn’t sound like an appropriate topic for a children’s book.

I don’t know what the book is about but it is fictional so that gave me a sliver of relief.  Although I am immensely curious, I think I will choose NOT to read it, however.  I don’t want my relationship with my goats to become tainted.

In case you'd like to read it. Just don't tell me what it's about!

 

 

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March 12, 2011 · 12:48 pm

LOST… Goat Style!

FINALLY…

After 16 years of living in our house, this past Sunday, we’ve officially become part of the neighborhood… and how exciting a milestone is that? When I say the neighborhood, of course, I don’t mean a neighborhood where the houses sit right next to each other. Our closest neighbors are about ½ mile away. I mean the ten or so square mile area where everyone seems to know each other. It’s funny how people who live in a rural community still call it a neighborhood. I don’t know how else you’d describe it, though, so I guess I don’t blame them.

So how, you ask, did we officially become part of our neighborhood?

Well the answer is simple of course… you officially become part of the neighborhood when you have a farm animal… in our case, goats… discovered wandering far from your home, and through a phone-chain, the neighbors are able to figure out who the farm animal… in our case, goats… belongs to. Yes, you heard it hear first… Naughty and Heath the now world-famous Brown Road Goats in Coats, who had not once, in five months of living with us, ever left the property, roamed away and were discovered about three miles away by a nice lady who was able to round them up, lock them in her fenced pasture, and wait until their delinquent owners came to retrieve them. Being concerned country folk, she asked her husband to start making phone calls and after several links in the phone chain it was determined that they belonged to us.

This particular Sunday was one of those lazy days when not a lot was accomplished around our house. About 5:00 p.m. after having already taken one nap during the day, I went upstairs to lie down in our room. My son was in our bed watching a movie and I figured I’d just relax there with him. Just as I was falling asleep for nap #2, my wife comes running upstairs and says “we have to go get the goats, a couple of neighbors just stopped by and they are over at a farm on the corner of Buckhorn and Cotherman Lake roads.” “What?” I replied, “how in the hell can they be all the way over there?”

We got in our van, drove over to this farm and saw Naughty and Heath grazing in one of their fields. We parked along the side of the road, got out and the moment they recognized us, they started bleating like crazy and running towards us. Yes, apparently goats are quite smart and can recognize their owners.  I suspect they were saying something like “oh, thank god you guys found us, we got lost and we couldn’t find our way back home and we thought we were going the right direction but we just kept getting more lost and then there were cars flying by us and then this lady came out of her house and locked us in this fenced area and we thought we were going to have to move again.” A frightening moment in the life of a goat for sure! We threw them in the back of the van, drove up to the beautiful old farm house on the property, knocked on the door and a very nice, sixty-ish woman answered.  We thanked her for rescuing our goats, chatted for a few minutes, then left and drove back home.

That’s the nice thing about living where we do… people are friendly and look out for each other. If we had been living in say, Chicago and our goats had roamed away from our apartment building, perhaps gotten on a subway, or started walking down Lake Shore Drive… boy, I hesitate to think what might have happened to them! Surely we would never have seen or heard from them again… and that would have been a sad day. But no, we live in a place where farm animals can roam away and neighborly folks will figure out who they belong to and how to get them back home. We have not been able to determine how exactly they were able to walk that far away. Our initial theory is that they got through a small opening in the fencing that lines the back side of our property, and not being able to figure out how to get back in they continued to roam in the opposite direction. One of our neighbors suspects maybe they followed a guy that was jogging in the area, and once they got far enough away they could no longer find their way back. Since our goats don’t speak, I guess we’ll never know.

In any case, we are happy our goats were found and safely retrieved and all is well again in the neighborhood. The shiny new I.D. tags for their collars are on the way!

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February 15, 2011 · 11:44 am

9-1-1

Ring, ring…

DISPATCH: 9-1-1, do you need police, fire or ambulance?

ME: Uh… I’m not sure… I think I just need someone to talk to.

DISPATCH: Sir, this is not a self-help line… this is 9-1-1!

ME: Yes… I know… can you help me?

DISPATCH: What is your emergency, sir?

ME: I’m having a very serious emergency… I can’t get up to go to work… and I think I’m dying.

DISPATCH: Sir, where are you?

ME: I’m at home still… on Brown Road… and I can’t get up to go to work.

DISPATCH: You can’t get up to go to work?

ME: Yes… I can’t get up to go to work… and I think I’m dying.

DISPATCH: Why do you think your dying… you sound okay?

ME: This whole situation, it’s killing me.

DISPATCH: What’s the situation, sir… are you in danger?

ME: Well, I need to get up to go to work… but I can’t… and I keep hearing a sucking sound.

DISPATCH: Sir, are you hurt?  Are you having any pain?

ME: No, I’m not hurt and no, I don’t have any pain… but all I can hear is that sucking sound.

DISPATCH: Sir, why can’t you get up for work?

ME: Well, I just don’t really feel like it… I just want to sit at home and drink coffee and work on my blog.  I love coffee.  Do you drink coffee? 

DISPATCH:  Yes, I drink coffee…

ME: Have you ever had to order a coffee at Starbucks?  It’s very difficult.

DISPATCH: Sir, you are wasting my time… and not wanting to go to work is not an emergency!

ME: Yes… I understand… but I think I’m dying.

DISPATCH: Sir… you are not dying… just get up and go to work.

ME: Yes, but can you hear that sucking sound?

DISPATCH: No sir, I don’t hear any sucking sound.

ME: Really?  You can’t hear that sound… it sounds like a vacuum… just sucking and sucking and sucking.

DISPATCH:  I am sorry sir, I don’t hear any sucking sound.

ME: Shhhhh… be very quiet and listen… see, hear that sucking sound?

DISPATCH: Okay… yes, yes, I can kind of hear it now.

ME: What is that sound? It’s very frightening… I’ve been hearing it a lot lately… and I think I might be dying.

DISPATCH: Well, sir I have heard that sound before, it’s something I’ve come across ocassionally.

ME: Oh… so you’ve heard it before… I’m terribly concerned… do you know what is it?

DISPATCH: Well, sir, there are different types of those sucking sounds, but that particular one… well, I’d have to say, I believe it’s your job.

ME: Uh… what do you mean it’s my job?

DISPATCH: Well, sir… it’s your job, it’s sucking the life out of you… that’s why you feel like you are dying.

ME: Oh my, I’m very worried… do you think you should send an ambulance?

DISPATCH: No sir, you don’t need an ambulance… but you might want to think about a different career. Is there anything else I can help you with?

ME: Yes, I mean no, I mean… I am already looking at some other possibilities… but what I really want to do is write children’s books. Have you read my blog… Brown Road Chronicles?

DISPATCH: No sir, I have not read your blog.

ME: Well it’s very funny… it’s about country living and other stuff… and I recently wrote a poem about my goats. A lot of people really liked it and thought it would make a good children’s book.

DISPATCH: Uh… excuse me?  Your goats?

ME:  Yes, my family has two goats… their names are Naughty and Heath… we’re their third owners!  They came pre-named and they’re adorable and sometimes they wear coats!

DISPATCH: Okay sir, that’s fascinating and all, but I am very busy, the dispatch lines are ringing off the hook… plus your chances of making a living writing children’s books is very slim. They say something like 5% of all authors make enough money to live on.  I think you need to look at some other options.

ME: Yes, yes I understand… but the goat story… well, it’s a rhyming poem. It’s very good. Can I e-mail it to you?

DISPATCH: No sir, I have lots of work to do… and the phones are ringing off the hook… but maybe you could just give me the address of your blog and I’ll take a look when I get home tonight. I am sure your story is very good… but you know, publishers hate rhyming stories. Don’t let me deter you from trying though.  I’m just a dispatcher… what do I know?

ME: Okay, the address is… https://brownroadchronicles.wordpress.com. It’s an excellent blog… you can subscribe to it if you want.

DISPATCH:  I am sure it is… is there anything else I can help you with today?  I really must go.

ME:  No, no… but thank you so very much, I am feeling much better now… I think I just needed someone to talk to. I guess I better get up and go to work. I hope I didn’t keep you too long.

DISPATCH:  You’re welcome… glad I could be of help… but next time may I suggest calling a career counselor!

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