Tag Archives: search terms

How to dispose of an unflushable poo

We all have funny search terms that show up on our stats pages. We all have search terms that make us wonder how those particular terms actually got someone to click and read our blog.  We all have search terms that show up consistently, over and over again, that drive readers to certain posts that we have written that most likely don’t contain the relevant information that the reader was searching for.  I’ve read many hilarious posts that some of my subscriptions have written based on their search terms and I’ve written one or two myself during the life of this blog.

On one hand, I try not to write posts that are based on my search terms.  Somehow I feel like it’s cheating, like it’s too easy. I feel like I’m not generating my own idea for a post and I’m not forcing myself to use my own creativity to drive the writing. On the other hand, sometimes they just have to be addressed.

Yesterday someone arrived to my blog by typing the following search term:

how to dispose of an unflushable poo

Now, as you surely know, an unflushable poo is a very complex and serious situation.  If we step back a moment and analyze the terms, we can infer the following:

1. The searcher has just taken a “poo”. We are not able to determine the size of the poo, but clearly the distinct terminology, specifically the use of the word “unflushable” leads us to believe that the searcher has taken not just a regular sized poo, but a very large, possibly enormously sized poo.

2. The searcher has already determined that the poo is unflushable meaning he has already tried flushing it. Of course there is the slim possibility that the searcher took the poo, turned around and saw that is was such a mammoth poo and made the immediate, rash judgment that is was unflushable, but experience tells us that most people would make the attempt to flush the poo.

3. As it seems clear that the searcher was able to make the attempt to flush the poo, we can conclude that the searcher is not involved in a situation where there is a power outage or plumbing issue.

4. The searcher is trying to figure out how to remove the poo from the toilet and “dispose” of it via some other method, perhaps by washing it down the sink, putting it into a trash container, or throwing the poo out of a window. It is unclear whether the searcher is still standing in the bathroom whilst in a deep panic, and using his smart phone to search while the water rapidly fills up the toilet, or if the searcher has had the opportunity to leave the bathroom and search on an actual computer. Regardless, it is likely the searcher has not yet washed his hands.

5. We cannot determine this with 100% certainty, but it is likely the searcher is not in his home. Instead, it seems reasonable to assume that the searcher is in the home of someone else and is concerned about the possible embarrassment involved in having to admit to having taken an “unflushable poo”.  We can be quite certain the searcher is not in a public bathroom, where unflushable poos are frequently left with total disregard to the people who must use the bathroom at a later time.

With these facts at hand we come to the following conclusion:

The searcher has recently arrived at the apartment of the woman that he met on Match.com. The couple has just completed a successful night out, that included fine dining on steaks and seafood, several bottles of expensive wine, two fabulous desserts, a couple of shots of Grand Marnier, a little footsie under the table, and some romantic hand holding on the walk back to her home through the city park.  Upon arriving at the woman’s apartment, she has asked the searcher to come inside for a nightcap.  While sitting on the couch, the searcher begins having massive stomach cramps and realizes that he has to use the bathroom.  The searcher excuses himself, walks to the bathroom, sits down on the toilet and takes the unflushable poo. When finished, the searcher flushes the toilet, begins walking towards the sink, only to briefly look back and see the unflushable poo still in the bowl. The searcher panics as all chances of getting laid are quickly flying out the window.  With the door to the bathroom locked, the searcher pulls out his phone, types in “how to dispose of an unflushable poo” and ends up at The Brown Road Chronicles and my post titled “Top 10 things I learned during Ice Storm 2011.”

That’s all we can decipher from the available data.  I don’t know what happened next… but I hope he comes back and subscribes to my blog some day.

You are welcome to speculate in your comments!


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Goats That Eat Their Own Legs

I try not to dwell on the search terms that bring people to my blog.  Apparently some of the words and phrases I have used sporadically throughout my posts have a tendency to attract some sordid characters of less than stellar moral virtue.  I won’t go into details as I don’t want you to throw up in your mouth.

Yesterday, however, while checking my stats page (have I ever mentioned that I like to check my stats page?) I glanced down to the search terms and discovered this:

borders.com goat that ate its own legs book


Have I ever mentioned that I have goats?

Well, I do… I have two of them… and so far neither one has eaten its own legs.  Just as importantly, neither has attempted to eat the other goats legs. I will tell you they do eat all kinds of other stuff, including plastic and paper… but so far no body parts.  Is that even a possibility that my goats could eat their own legs?  Rubbish… I’ve never heard of such a thing!

I really like my goats and have become quite attached to them.  Well, not literally attached, but you know what I mean. They’re like dogs with horns, except only one of them still has his horns. I’ll tell you, we get along smashingly well!  Except for the time I was bending over to pick something up and one of them head butted me so hard that I thought I was going to pass out… but I’m over that now.  Now we get along fabulously! Except for that time that one of them was licking my arm and then bit me, but I don’t hold grudges. Oh, and there was that time just recently that we were putting up fence to protect our garden… you know, from the goats… and one of them kept rubbing on the fence and knocking it over… but we’ve worked that out.  Of course, there was that time that one of them chewed the wires on my lawnmower… and on our bikes.  But, hey, these things happen and we’ve kissed and made up.  Well, not literally kissed, but you know what I mean.

Anyhow, as I said, we get along well.  We hang out in the yard.  We take walks together.  I even let one of them take a sip from my wine glass the other night.  He really liked it and so then I understood why we get along so well.  It’s a special relationship, that between man and goat.  Hey, get your mind out of the damn gutter…

Anyhow, I was perplexed that our goats had not come with any kind of warning that there was the possibility of them eating their own legs.  I was deeply concerned because a goat with no legs would not be nearly as fun to be around as one with legs.  I’d have to put them on a leash and then drag them down the road, and who needs that? So I googled this search expression and found that there is actually a book titled My Goat Ate Its Own Legs: Tales for Adults.  Well thank goodness it’s for adults! It certainly doesn’t sound like an appropriate topic for a children’s book.

I don’t know what the book is about but it is fictional so that gave me a sliver of relief.  Although I am immensely curious, I think I will choose NOT to read it, however.  I don’t want my relationship with my goats to become tainted.

In case you'd like to read it. Just don't tell me what it's about!




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