DISPATCH: 9-1-1, do you need police, fire or ambulance?
ME: Uh… I’m not sure… I think I just need someone to talk to.
DISPATCH: Sir, this is not a self-help line… this is 9-1-1!
ME: Yes… I know… can you help me?
DISPATCH: What is your emergency, sir?
ME: I’m having a very serious emergency… I can’t get up to go to work… and I think I’m dying.
DISPATCH: Sir, where are you?
ME: I’m at home still… on Brown Road… and I can’t get up to go to work.
DISPATCH: You can’t get up to go to work?
ME: Yes… I can’t get up to go to work… and I think I’m dying.
DISPATCH: Why do you think your dying… you sound okay?
ME: This whole situation, it’s killing me.
DISPATCH: What’s the situation, sir… are you in danger?
ME: Well, I need to get up to go to work… but I can’t… and I keep hearing a sucking sound.
DISPATCH: Sir, are you hurt? Are you having any pain?
ME: No, I’m not hurt and no, I don’t have any pain… but all I can hear is that sucking sound.
DISPATCH: Sir, why can’t you get up for work?
ME: Well, I just don’t really feel like it… I just want to sit at home and drink coffee and work on my blog. I love coffee. Do you drink coffee?
DISPATCH: Yes, I drink coffee…
ME: Have you ever had to order a coffee at Starbucks? It’s very difficult.
DISPATCH: Sir, you are wasting my time… and not wanting to go to work is not an emergency!
ME: Yes… I understand… but I think I’m dying.
DISPATCH: Sir… you are not dying… just get up and go to work.
ME: Yes, but can you hear that sucking sound?
DISPATCH: No sir, I don’t hear any sucking sound.
ME: Really? You can’t hear that sound… it sounds like a vacuum… just sucking and sucking and sucking.
DISPATCH: I am sorry sir, I don’t hear any sucking sound.
ME: Shhhhh… be very quiet and listen… see, hear that sucking sound?
DISPATCH: Okay… yes, yes, I can kind of hear it now.
ME: What is that sound? It’s very frightening… I’ve been hearing it a lot lately… and I think I might be dying.
DISPATCH: Well, sir I have heard that sound before, it’s something I’ve come across ocassionally.
ME: Oh… so you’ve heard it before… I’m terribly concerned… do you know what is it?
DISPATCH: Well, sir, there are different types of those sucking sounds, but that particular one… well, I’d have to say, I believe it’s your job.
ME: Uh… what do you mean it’s my job?
DISPATCH: Well, sir… it’s your job, it’s sucking the life out of you… that’s why you feel like you are dying.
ME: Oh my, I’m very worried… do you think you should send an ambulance?
DISPATCH: No sir, you don’t need an ambulance… but you might want to think about a different career. Is there anything else I can help you with?
ME: Yes, I mean no, I mean… I am already looking at some other possibilities… but what I really want to do is write children’s books. Have you read my blog… Brown Road Chronicles?
DISPATCH: No sir, I have not read your blog.
ME: Well it’s very funny… it’s about country living and other stuff… and I recently wrote a poem about my goats. A lot of people really liked it and thought it would make a good children’s book.
DISPATCH: Uh… excuse me? Your goats?
ME: Yes, my family has two goats… their names are Naughty and Heath… we’re their third owners! They came pre-named and they’re adorable and sometimes they wear coats!
DISPATCH: Okay sir, that’s fascinating and all, but I am very busy, the dispatch lines are ringing off the hook… plus your chances of making a living writing children’s books is very slim. They say something like 5% of all authors make enough money to live on. I think you need to look at some other options.
ME: Yes, yes I understand… but the goat story… well, it’s a rhyming poem. It’s very good. Can I e-mail it to you?
DISPATCH: No sir, I have lots of work to do… and the phones are ringing off the hook… but maybe you could just give me the address of your blog and I’ll take a look when I get home tonight. I am sure your story is very good… but you know, publishers hate rhyming stories. Don’t let me deter you from trying though. I’m just a dispatcher… what do I know?
ME: Okay, the address is… https://brownroadchronicles.wordpress.com. It’s an excellent blog… you can subscribe to it if you want.
DISPATCH: I am sure it is… is there anything else I can help you with today? I really must go.
ME: No, no… but thank you so very much, I am feeling much better now… I think I just needed someone to talk to. I guess I better get up and go to work. I hope I didn’t keep you too long.
DISPATCH: You’re welcome… glad I could be of help… but next time may I suggest calling a career counselor!