May 13, 2011 · 12:18 pm

Playing Hooky!

Shhhhh…

My son and I are playing hooky today.

Actually he hasn’t been feeling very good all week.

But he could be at school.

He just needed a “rest” day, a “mental health” day.

I was happy to oblige.

I think he’s exhausted from being on the go so much.

Tired and dehydrated and worn out.

From School and Little League and Scouts and life.

So we’re playing hooky today.

Shhhhh…

I needed a mental health day too.

Work is stressing the shit out of me.

I won’t bore you with the details.

But it’s like pushing a boulder uphill.

You push it up a little.

Then you wait to see if it rolls back to where you started.

Then you wait some more.

And time ticks away.

Its wearing me down.

Down, down, down.

I need some closure on the whole situation.

To move on.

To whatever is next.

So we’re playing hooky today.

Shhhhh…

I get to go on a date with my wife tonight!

With some other adults and without the kids.

I’m looking forward to that.

But right now it’s just us boys.

We’re not doing anything very exciting.

Remember, he is “sick”.

Besides, its Friday the 13th.

Best to be home where its safe.

Away from black cats and ladders and such.

Except there are two black cats living in the house.

Actually one is kind of grayish.

Of course, I don’t believe in superstitions.

I do believe in mental health days though!

You should too!

Happy Friday the 13th!

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May 12, 2011 · 5:40 pm

Missing Person

This is part of the phone calls to Julie series.

Ring, ring

WP:  Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME:  Hi Julie, thank you for taking my call, I’m terribly concerned, My Naked Bokkie is missing.

Click

Ring, ring

WP:  Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME: Hi, I just called a second ago, I think we got disconnected.

WP: Okay sir, how can I help you today?

ME:  I’ve spoken to you before. I called you about my BOOBS… do you remember? You were very helpful the last time I called.

WP: Yes, you sound familiar… how may I help you today?

ME:  Hey, have you read my blog, Brown Road Chronicles, yet?  It’s very funny.

WP:  Sir, no I still have not read your blog… in fact, chances are I will never read your blog… as I told you last time, WordPress has over 300,000 blogs and I can’t read them all.  We are very busy today, is there something I can help you with?

ME:  Hmmm… that’s too bad, it’s very funny.  I think you’d like it.  Have you ever read the Mindslam?

WP:  SIR, NO, I HAVE NOT READ THE MINDSLAM! NOW IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN HELP YOU WITH TODAY?

ME:  Oh… I’m sorry.  I know you are very busy, thank you for taking my call. I’m very concerned, My Naked Bokkie is missing.

WP:  Sir, please stop that… I don’t know what you’re talking about… you say something is missing?

ME:  No, no, not some-THING… some-ONE is missing.  I’d like to file a missing person’s report.

WP:  Sir, if you think someone is missing, you shouldn’t be speaking to me, you should be contacting your local police department.

ME:  Yes, yes… I know…  I did call the police, but they weren’t very helpful and they suggested that I call you.  In fact they were very mean and disrespectful… then they abruptly hung up on me… they aren’t nearly as friendly as you are Julie.  I tried to contact Edmonton Tourist also?

WP:  Uhhh… Edmonton Tourist… is that like a magazine or something?

ME:  No, that’s a person… a friend of mine.

WP:  Oh… well sir, thank you for your kind remarks, but I don’t think I can help you either. This is just a technical support line.

ME:  But you were so helpful last time… I thought maybe… you know… you could help me file a missing person’s report.

WP:  Okay, sir… look, I’ll play along.  Who is missing?

ME:  My Naked Bokkie.

WP:  Uhhh… Excuse me?

ME:  My Naked Bokkie.

WP:  Your naked what?  I’m sorry sir… I don’t understand what you are saying.

ME: Myyyyy Naaaaaakedddd Baaaaakkeeee.

WP: Okay, I got it… please, you don’t have to be condescending to me.

ME: Oh my, I am terribly sorry, I just thought, you know, if I spoke slower…

WP: Okay, so this person… what did you say… your Naked Bokkie… is missing?

ME: No, not YOUR Naked Bokkie… MY Naked Bokkie.

WP: That’s what I said, your Naked Bokkie… okay, okay… mine, yours, whatever… why do you think this person is missing?

ME: Well because she writes a blog called Husbands for Hire and it hasn’t been updated for several weeks.

WP: Aaaah… so this is a blogger you are referring to?

ME: Yes, yes… a blogger…

WP: Sir, this blogger is probably just busy with work and other stuff.  Sometimes people have to take a little break from their blogs to catch up on other things.

ME:  Oh my… they do?

WP: Yes, most bloggers do… don’t you ever take a break from your blogging?

ME: Oh no… last time we spoke you told me I had Obsessive Blogging Disorder and that I should keep blogging as often as possible.  Plus my blog has become very popular… almost as popular as The Big Sheep Blog…you really should take some time to read it… it’s…

WP: PLEASE SIR, we’ve already discussed this!  Yes, you are correct, I did tell you to keep blogging.  But it’s okay to take a break every once in a while.  That’s probably what your friend is doing.  I don’t think there is anything to be concerned about.

ME: Oh… okay… you know what… Walks with Stress was missing for awhile too… and she just came back recently and told us she was busy writing a book.  So you think everything is okay?

WP:  Walks with who…. oh forget it… yes, I think everything is probably okay.

ME: Are you sure?

WP: Yes… I’m sure… is there anything else I can help you with today?

ME:  Do you ever read P.O.R.N.?

Click

To all my readers, I tried to link to as many of you as possible ’cause you all rock, but had to limit the linkages to a few folks who were my first contacts when I joined WordPress… except Emily, of course, but I just had to fit the word PORN in this post!  I guess this is my crazy way of saying thanks for everybody’s support!  To any new readers, please check out my blogroll, there’s lots of great stuff there!  Happy reading!

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May 12, 2011 · 1:00 pm

Girl Scout Cookies

Is it okay to complain about your Girl Scout cookies?

Someone said to me the other day, “Boy they are sure skimping on the Girl Scout Cookies. I’ve had three or four already that only had a little bit of icing inside.” 

Seriously????

I’ve heard other complaints before, as well, about Girl Scout Cookies and Cub Scout Popcorn and odds and ends of other fund-raiser products we have sold over the years.  They were stale… they didn’t taste as good as last year… there’s so few in the box… they’re too expensive… blah, blah, blah.

So, your Girl Scout Cookies were covered in ants?  Why is that my problem. You know as well as I do that ants happen to really enjoy Girl Scout Cookies.  Just brush them off.  Oh my, your Chocolate Covered Popcorn was all melted together and you had to use a hammer and chisel to free it from the canister?  Good thing you’re handy and have those kinds of tools around.  What, the scent from that candle we sold you made your eyes burn so badly you had to go to the emergency room?  Toughen up you sissy, that’s what you get for burning nancy-boy candles in your house anyway.  Your Almond Candy Bars had a few maggots in them?  Well excuse me, but I didn’t put them there.  Seriously, if you can pick the nasty mushrooms off a pizza, surely you can pick a few maggots out of a candy bar… sheesh!

Let me tell you something about products that kids sell.  Be it Scouts or Little League or 4-H or whatever… be it cookies or popcorn or candy bars.  Often these items must travel a long, hard road to get from the vendor to the home of the hapless, unlucky parent who has volunteered to coordinate the sale, then to the individual kids, this child-laboresque sales-team, who are forced to go out into the streets and knock on your doors at all hours of the day and night, and finally to you… the end-user, the consumer.  People’s garages and barns and damp, soggy, musty basements, act as giant logistically-challenged warehouses waiting to process the days orders.  Products are then moved by automobiles and trucks and trailers to street corners where grubby little boys and girls who haven’t washed their hands in three or four days try to sell them to innocent passers-by.  Sometimes these products get rained on, sometimes they get dirty, sometimes they get dropped into mud-puddles.  Sometimes smelly, homeless looking people come by and handle the products and then say they don’t have any money.  It’s the commerce of children’s fund-raiser products… a dirty, ugly, cut-throat business.

Let me just make a suggestion here… take it or leave it… whatever.  You are buying the Girl Scout cookies because you are interested in making a donation to the Girl Scouts organization, not so you can sit in front of your television set and watch soap operas and indulge in a massive orgy of caloric intake.  If that is what you are after, there are plenty of excellent, orgasmically good choices at the grocery store for much less money and in much higher cookies per square inch packaging.  The Keebler Elves make some excellent cookies!  Oreo’s dipped in milk… there’s not much that rivals that experience.  Chips-Ahoy’s…. ummm…hmmm!  If you get a batch that is stale or tastes like crap… hey you can bring ’em back to the store and complain until the cows come home.

But please don’t complain about the Girl Scout Cookies…

I’m not saying Girl Scout cookies shouldn’t be astonishingly good… they most definitely are!  In fact, in my own orgy of caloric intake, the other night I consumed a whole tube of Thin Mints in roughly five quick minutes.  It was a tremendously satisfying experience other than I felt like I was going to puke afterwards.  But you know what?  Had my Thin Mints been stale or had a few critters crawling around on them, I would have politely disposed of them in the trash rather than filing an official complaint… because frankly, I don’t think my wife and daughter would have cared to listen!

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May 8, 2011 · 10:10 pm

Mama had a baby…

This is how I figure it went down…

Once upon a time there was a nice family that lived in the suburbs, a Mama and a Papa and two young kids.  They had a little ranch house that looked the same as all the other houses in the neighborhood.  Mama and Papa had good jobs and they had two cars and overall, a pretty good middle class life. One day Mama got pregnant.  Nine months later they found themselves in the hospital ready to give birth to another baby.

So there they are, in the birthing room, everybody is screaming and yelling, it’s total chaos, Papa standing there trembling in the corner, freaking out ‘cause he doesn’t know what the hell to do. Mama is yelling shit at him like, “YOU DID THIS TO ME!!”  Then Mama’s pushing and yelling and screaming and pretty soon the baby comes out… and the doctor catches the baby…

…and then its head popped off.  Seriously… its… head… popped…right… off!  Or maybe Mama’s head popped off… you know, I’m not really sure… that parts not totally clear.  But whatever, it doesn’t really matter… somebody’s head popped off and that’s just some scary shit. I mean, giving birth is frightening enough when everybody’s head stays on. I remember when my daughter was being born and I’m standing there watching her come out, expecting her to be all clean and fresh, maybe wearing a nice new frilly pink Onsie or whatever.  Instead she comes sliding out, her head’s all smashed up, blood and gore everywhere.  I’m thinking, yeah this is a frickin’ miracle… it was a miracle that I didn’t throw up.

“Mr. Warner, congratulations on your new baby. Do you want to cut the cord?”

“Uhhh, seriously Doc?  Maybe this whole bloody scene won’t come flooding back from your memory banks next time you’re eating a hamburger, but me, yeah I think I’m traumatized for life. Now you want me to cut the cord?”

Okay, I didn’t really say that but I thought it, as I was cutting the cord with this giant pair of scissors that looked like something you’d prune shrubs with.  In any case nobody’s head popped off, like happened to those poor suburban folks.

We were at a park today, taking a walk, and my daughter picks up a dandelion, sticks it in my face and says “Mama had a baby and it’s head popped off’ and flicks the flower part of the dandelion off the stem with her thumb.  What the hell is that all about?  I used to do that as a kid too.  I don’t know where she learned it, it’s just one of those things that is passed down from generation to generation and nobody really knows why. So I looked it up but I couldn’t find any answers to the origin of this particular saying about giving birth and heads popping off and how the poor dandelion flower became the victim. One commenter thought it maybe had origins in medieval France and the use of the guillotine, but that didn’t make any sense.

“Mr. LeFevalaurentiereau, congratulations on your new baby.  Would you like to cut anyone’s head off?”

“Uhhh, seriously Doc?  Maybe this whole bloody scene won’t come flooding back from your memory banks next time you’re eating a Hasenpfeffer sandwich, but me, yeah I think I’m traumatized for life. Now you want me to cut somebody’s head off?”

See that just doesn’t make any sense.  So, I guess I’ll never know where the expression “Mama had a baby and its head popped off” came from, and what it has to do with dandelions.  That’s okay though… there are clearly more important things to be concerned with…

… like wiping dandelions under your chin to see if you like butter… or was that buttercups?

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