Tag Archives: technical support

Someone just subscribed to your blog…

Part of the Phone Calls to Julie Series.

Ring, ring…

WP: Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME: Hi Julie, thank you for taking my call, I’m terribly concerned, Someone just subscribed to my blog.

WP: Ummm, okay…. uhh… congratulations?

ME: Oh… that’s what the e-mail said too, congratulations.

WP: What e-mail would that be?

ME: Well, the one that said that Someone just subscribed to my blog. It addressed me with the word “Howdy”. Do you think Someone thinks I am a cowboy? I don’t think I’ve ever used the word “Howdy” before.

WP: Is this the guy from Brown Road Chronicles?

ME: Yes, yes, you remember me? I’ve called you about my BOOBS. You have been very helpful the last couple of times I have called. Have you read my blog yet?

WP: No sir, I still have not read your blog.

ME: Oh, that’s too bad, it’s really great!

WP: Sir, I am sure your blog is great, but really, is there something important I can help you with? I am very busy today? We are getting a lot of angry callers because we changed the subscription function on all of our member’s blogs without telling anybody. Now everybody is mad and the phones are ringing off the hook.

ME: Oh yes, I did notice that as well. I think that’s okay, I don’t know what everybody is all worked up about.

WP: SIR, PLEASE IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN HELP YOU WITH?

ME: Oh yes, I’m very sorry, I’m terribly concerned, Someone subscribed to my blog today?

WP: Yes, you mentioned that… uh…and why is that a problem? Most bloggers are happy when Someone subscribes to their blogs.

ME: Oh my, does Someone subscribe to a lot of blogs? Do you know who Someone is?

WP: What does that mean “do I know who Someone is?”

ME: Well, it sounded like you maybe know who they were.

WP: Knew who who is?

ME: Someone.

WP: SIR… I am going to hang up if you don’t tell me how I can help you today.

ME: Oh, I am terribly sorry, please don’t hang up. You see, I got an e-mail today that said “Howdy, Someone just subscribed to your blog, Brown Road Chronicles.”

WP: Uhhh… okay… and what is wrong with that?

ME: Well, it didn’t tell me who Someone is… you know, and tell me what their blog site is. It just said Someone subscribed to my blog today and it had an e-mail address and where they were from. I thought that was kind of creepy. And it said “Howdy”. Do you think Someone thinks I am a cowboy?

WP: Sir, it’s just an automated e-mail when a reader subscribes to a blog. I don’t know why it says Howdy, but no one here thinks you’re a cowboy… and it said Someone because it was a subscriber that doesn’t have a WordPress account. So we don’t know who they are.

ME: Oh my… you don’t know who they are? Does that mean they don’t have an About page that will tell me if they are a stalker or not?

WP: No, there is no About page, but don’t worry, it’s probably just someone that read something you wrote and found it interesting.

ME: Oh yes, yes… the stuff I write is very interesting. It’s very funny too. Have you read my blog?

WP: SIR, I JUST TOLD YOU I HAVE NOT READ YOUR BLOG!

ME: Oh you’re right, I’m sorry, you did say that. I just got excited when you told me my posts were interesting.

WP: I didn’t say your posts were interesting, I said that maybe this person who subscribed to your blog perhaps thought your posts were interesting.

ME: You mean Someone?

WP: Sir, please stop it with the Someone! Yes, I was referring to this person who subscribed to your blog.

ME: So you don’t think there is anything I need to worry about?

WP: No, I don’t think there is anything to worry about. But remember Sir, blogs are very public spaces. Anybody can subscribe to your blog.

ME: Oh my… who’s Anybody?

Click

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Missing Person

This is part of the phone calls to Julie series.

Ring, ring

WP:  Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME:  Hi Julie, thank you for taking my call, I’m terribly concerned, My Naked Bokkie is missing.

Click

Ring, ring

WP:  Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME: Hi, I just called a second ago, I think we got disconnected.

WP: Okay sir, how can I help you today?

ME:  I’ve spoken to you before. I called you about my BOOBS… do you remember? You were very helpful the last time I called.

WP: Yes, you sound familiar… how may I help you today?

ME:  Hey, have you read my blog, Brown Road Chronicles, yet?  It’s very funny.

WP:  Sir, no I still have not read your blog… in fact, chances are I will never read your blog… as I told you last time, WordPress has over 300,000 blogs and I can’t read them all.  We are very busy today, is there something I can help you with?

ME:  Hmmm… that’s too bad, it’s very funny.  I think you’d like it.  Have you ever read the Mindslam?

WP:  SIR, NO, I HAVE NOT READ THE MINDSLAM! NOW IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN HELP YOU WITH TODAY?

ME:  Oh… I’m sorry.  I know you are very busy, thank you for taking my call. I’m very concerned, My Naked Bokkie is missing.

WP:  Sir, please stop that… I don’t know what you’re talking about… you say something is missing?

ME:  No, no, not some-THING… some-ONE is missing.  I’d like to file a missing person’s report.

WP:  Sir, if you think someone is missing, you shouldn’t be speaking to me, you should be contacting your local police department.

ME:  Yes, yes… I know…  I did call the police, but they weren’t very helpful and they suggested that I call you.  In fact they were very mean and disrespectful… then they abruptly hung up on me… they aren’t nearly as friendly as you are Julie.  I tried to contact Edmonton Tourist also?

WP:  Uhhh… Edmonton Tourist… is that like a magazine or something?

ME:  No, that’s a person… a friend of mine.

WP:  Oh… well sir, thank you for your kind remarks, but I don’t think I can help you either. This is just a technical support line.

ME:  But you were so helpful last time… I thought maybe… you know… you could help me file a missing person’s report.

WP:  Okay, sir… look, I’ll play along.  Who is missing?

ME:  My Naked Bokkie.

WP:  Uhhh… Excuse me?

ME:  My Naked Bokkie.

WP:  Your naked what?  I’m sorry sir… I don’t understand what you are saying.

ME: Myyyyy Naaaaaakedddd Baaaaakkeeee.

WP: Okay, I got it… please, you don’t have to be condescending to me.

ME: Oh my, I am terribly sorry, I just thought, you know, if I spoke slower…

WP: Okay, so this person… what did you say… your Naked Bokkie… is missing?

ME: No, not YOUR Naked Bokkie… MY Naked Bokkie.

WP: That’s what I said, your Naked Bokkie… okay, okay… mine, yours, whatever… why do you think this person is missing?

ME: Well because she writes a blog called Husbands for Hire and it hasn’t been updated for several weeks.

WP: Aaaah… so this is a blogger you are referring to?

ME: Yes, yes… a blogger…

WP: Sir, this blogger is probably just busy with work and other stuff.  Sometimes people have to take a little break from their blogs to catch up on other things.

ME:  Oh my… they do?

WP: Yes, most bloggers do… don’t you ever take a break from your blogging?

ME: Oh no… last time we spoke you told me I had Obsessive Blogging Disorder and that I should keep blogging as often as possible.  Plus my blog has become very popular… almost as popular as The Big Sheep Blog…you really should take some time to read it… it’s…

WP: PLEASE SIR, we’ve already discussed this!  Yes, you are correct, I did tell you to keep blogging.  But it’s okay to take a break every once in a while.  That’s probably what your friend is doing.  I don’t think there is anything to be concerned about.

ME: Oh… okay… you know what… Walks with Stress was missing for awhile too… and she just came back recently and told us she was busy writing a book.  So you think everything is okay?

WP:  Walks with who…. oh forget it… yes, I think everything is probably okay.

ME: Are you sure?

WP: Yes… I’m sure… is there anything else I can help you with today?

ME:  Do you ever read P.O.R.N.?

Click

To all my readers, I tried to link to as many of you as possible ’cause you all rock, but had to limit the linkages to a few folks who were my first contacts when I joined WordPress… except Emily, of course, but I just had to fit the word PORN in this post!  I guess this is my crazy way of saying thanks for everybody’s support!  To any new readers, please check out my blogroll, there’s lots of great stuff there!  Happy reading!

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BOOBS

Ring, ring

WP: Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME: Thank you for taking my call, I am terribly concerned, I think I might be developing BOOBS.

Click

Ring, ring

WP: Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME: Hi, I just called a second ago, I think we got disconnected.

WP: Okay sir, how can I help you today?

ME: I think I’m developing BOOBS.

WP: This isn’t funny sir… is there something I can help you with?

ME: Have you seen my blog, Brown Road Chronicles?

WP: I am sorry sir, no I haven’t. WordPress has over 300,000 blogs, I can’t read all of them.

ME: It’s a great blog… about country living and other funny stuff.

WP: I am sure it is… Is there something I can assist you with today… besides your BOOBS?

ME: I think my blog is broken.

WP: You think your blog is broken?

ME: Yes, it doesn’t appear to be working properly… and I think I am developing BOOBS.

WP: Sir, please stop that or I will hang up! Can you give me some details about what doesn’t seem to be working properly.

ME: Well, it’s not tracking visitors like it should be.

WP: You mean on your stats page?

ME: Yes, yes, exactly, on the stats page. It’s not tracking visitors correctly.

WP: What makes you think it is not tracking visitors correctly?

ME: Well, I’ve checked my stats page 846 times today and it’s only showing 11 hits. I’ve been getting 60-90 hits per day.

WP: Well sir, some days are better than others, maybe it’s just a slow day.

ME: No, it can’t be a slow day, I wrote a story about Macaroni and Cheese yesterday. It was funny and I thought it would generate lots of hits today.

WP: Well sir, some days your subscribers just get busy and they don’t have the time that day to visit and read your blog… and maybe it just wasn’t as funny as you thought.

ME: No, no that’s not it… my subscribers all visited, I don’t have very many of those but it looks like they’ve all been hanging around because they’ve left comments. But I’m not getting all those extra hits that I usually get. You know, from the people that don’t leave comments.

WP: Well, sir, have you written anything new today?

ME: Can you excuse me just a second, the light on my phone is blinking. I may have some comments to read.

WP: Uh… okay?

A few minutes later

ME: Hi, I am back, sorry it was just some spam about one of those… you know… male enhancement medicines. Have you read my post about Cialis?

WP: No, I haven’t.  Now where… where were we? Oh yes, have you written anything new today?

ME: No, not yet.

WP: Well, maybe you need to write something new and post it today. One of the five ways of increasing blog readership is to write and post valuable content frequently.

ME: But I don’t have anything interesting or valuable to write today. I’ve only been at this for a month and I’m already running out of good ideas.

WP: Okay, well that happens sometimes. Have you read anyone else’s blog and left comments on their pages.

ME: No, I haven’t had time to do that today. I’ve been too busy checking my stats page.

WP: Well, maybe you just need to take a few days off and not write anything and don’t worry about your stats. I think it’s tracking properly though, I think today’s just a slow day and I am sorry that you’ve only had 11 visitors.

ME: No, I think it must be broken. My stories are really good!

WP: Yes, I am sure they are. Most bloggers think their stories are really good. Most bloggers have this delusion that they are going to be famous authors someday, when in reality the majority will just disappear eventually. I am sorry that you only have 11 hits today but I am confident that your site is not broken.

ME: But I’ve been getting 60-90 hits a day, I even got 95 one day when I wrote about my guitar and I got 91 one day when I wrote about getting Freshly Pressed.

WP: Yes, I understand, sir, but I still don’t think anything is wrong with your site.

ME: Well… can you log onto the site and see if anything looks out of place.

WP: Sir… I am sure nothing is out of place but I will take a look.

5 minutes later

WP: Hello, are you still there?

ME: Yes, I am still here. I checked my stats page 27 times while you had me on hold and I still only have 11 visitors. And I think I might be developing BOOBS.

WP: Sir, I don’t know what you are talking about with your BOOBS. But I checked the site and nothing was amiss. But I am concerned that you might be developing OBD.

ME: OBD, what is that?

WP: OBD is Obsessive Blogging Disorder. It is characterized by excessive-compulsive blogging activities like writing articles when you don’t have anything interesting to write about and constantly checking your blog stats to see how many people visited your site.

ME: Oh my, that sounds frightening, do you think I am checking it too often? I just looked at it 12 times while you were talking. Do you think I have, uh, what did you call it OBD?

WP: Yes, it sounds like you may have the onset of OBD.

ME: You think I have the onset of OBD? I think I am developing BOOBS. What can I do about this?

WP: Sir, this is not funny, stop talking about your BOOBS.

ME: Oh, sorry… I am not talking about MY boobs. BOOBS is just an acronym I made up for Badly Obsessing Over Blog Statistics. I think I am developing BOOBS.

WP: You are not developing BOOBS sir, but you are at high risk for OBD.

ME: Is there something I can do about it?

WP: Well, at present there doesn’t seem to be any cure. We recommend you just keep blogging. In fact, here at WordPress, we’ve instituted a post-a-day competition to try to help people work through the OBD condition.

ME: Oh, well maybe I could do that.

WP: But sir, you just told me you didn’t have anything interesting to write about today.

ME: Well I don’t really.

WP: So how are you going to post something today?

ME: Well, I don’t know… maybe I could post something about Obsessive Blogging Disorder or about me developing BOOBS.

WP: Sir, seriously! Stop it with the BOOBS! I think that it would be a good idea for you to start writing something. If you start typing it might help you be less concerned about your stats. Is there anything else I can help you with?

ME: No, thank you so much! You have been a big help… but now I need to get started writing.  Have a good day.

WP: You too and thank you for calling WordPress. Goodbye.

Click

ME: Okay, how do I get started… let’s see… oh, I know…

Begin typing…

Ring, ring

WP: Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie how can I help you today…………

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