Tag Archives: tools

If you had to choose a tool to use…

When working ’round your house, there’s lot of TOOLS you’ll need to use.
Let’s look at some so when it’s time, you’ll know which one to choose.

If you had to choose a tool to use to pound a shiny NAIL,
A HAMMER with a big strong head will help you to prevail!

If you had to choose a tool to use to drive a THREADED SCREW,
A SCREWDRIVER with long steel shaft would do that job for you!

If you had to choose a tool to use to tighten down a NUT,
A WRENCH with jaws that you adjust would surely make the cut!

If you had to choose a tool to use to cut a BOARD in two,
A SAW with sharp and shiny teeth would cut that board right through!

If you had to choose a tool to use to make a hole in WOOD,
A POWER DRILL with a sharpened BIT is a choice that would be good!

If you had to choose a tool to use to pull some rusty NAILS,
A HAMMER with large CLAWS that grab is all that job entails!

If you had to choose a tool to use to dig yourself a HOLE,
A SHOVEL with a nice sharp blade would help you reach that goal!

If you had to choose a tool to use to grab on something tight,
A PAIR OF PLIERS with jaws that grip would complete that job just right!

If you had to choose a tool to use to hold two BOARDS you’ve glued,
A CLAMP that you can tighten down is a choice that would be shrewd!

If you had to choose a tool to use to make sure things are STRAIGHT,
A LEVEL with an air bubble is a tool that would be great!

If you had to choose a tool to use to cover walls with PAINT,
A PAINT BRUSH is the proper tool with which you should acquaint!

And when you’re done you’ll need a spot to put your tools away.
A TOOLBOX is the place to keep them for another day!

And if you want to read about what can happen when pulling rusty nails, read this! 🙂

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Mr. Smither was in a dither…

Mr. Smither was in a dither while fixing his old house one day.
Kneeling on the floor, his knees were sore, a rusty nail was in his way.
His floor was squeaky, sometimes creaky, a shiny nail would do the trick.
But first he must, remove that rusty nail, a task that should be quick.

He tried and tried, he pulled and pried, his hammer wouldn’t win this fight.
The more he pulled, that nail would hold, onto that board with all its might.
His arms soon ached, he took a break, and came up with different angle.
A crowbar would, release for good, this nail with which he’d been entangled.

He hooked the claw, he clenched his jaw, he mustered up his strength and brawn.
He cranked with force, so much of course, he knew that nail would soon be gone.
Then what transpired, that nail it fired, like a bullet through the air.
Across the room, with a sonic boom, it bounced off the old-rocking chair.

In that chair, was often where, his Cat named Fred would take his naps.
Fred slept this day, snoozing away, dreaming of catching mice perhaps.
Unaware, of the oncoming scare, that would quickly give him quite a fear.
Poor Fred he leapt, from where he slept, straight up into the chandelier.

Mr. Smither, still in a dither, ran to see what he’d begat.
He was shocked, the chair it rocked, but in the seat there was no cat!
Then he heard a cry, from toward the sky, he looked to see poor Fred in fright.
The lamp was swinging, Fred was clinging, his big wide eyes were quite a site.

He grabbed his ladder, to fix this matter, and climbed up to the precipice.
He reached for Fred, who filled with dread and soon began to growl and hiss.
Then Fred decided, somewhat misguided, that he would rather try to jump.
‘Cause cats survive, they have nine lives, Fred nailed the landing with a thump.

With this commotion, in slow motion, Mr. Smither high upon that ladder.
First he twisted, then he listed, then he fell with quite a clatter.
Lo and behold, it knocked him cold, he lay there in a foggy trance.
Mrs. Smither, now in a dither, she quickly called an ambulance.

The Doctor said, “well, he’s not dead, just some bruises where he hit.”
“But I’d suggest, it would be best, to stay off ladders for a bit.”
The moral here, it is quite clear, if your floor might have a squeaky board.
Just let it squeak and let it creak, lest you end up in a hospital ward!

Listen to the Audio Version

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Handyman

Look, I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never been very good at the whole romance part of a relationship. It’s not that I’m not a good, loyal, loving husband and a caring, dedicated, involved father. It’s just that I’ve never been very good at the whole flowers and jewelry and wine and dine and “sweep her off her feet” routine. Sure, I can pull it off occasionally but it’s just not necessarily my thing… okay, there I said it! On the other hand, where I do excel is being handy. I am handy around the house. I can fix things, I can build stuff, I can install doors and floors and lay ceramic tile in the bathrooms. I’m not as handy as some guys, and I don’t have any training in any of these skills – I just figure it out as I go along, but somehow it always seems to work out okay. I also know when a project is over my head, beyond my skill level and when it’s time to call a professional in to get the job done quickly and efficiently and accurately, but I figure I have saved us literally thousands of dollars over the years by being too cheap to just pick up the phone and call someone.

Sometimes I wish my handiness could somehow be translated into my, you know… what’s the word… uh… romantic… ness. Because you know what?  Frankly, tools CAN BE SEXY!

James Taylor said it best in his song Handyman:

“Hey girls, gather ‘round
Listen to what I’m putting down
Hey baby, I’m your handyman”

So, all you guys out there, you know that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner? Yeah, seriously, it’s about a week away, don’t fuck it up again this year. Here’s my plan… c’mon, follow along… I think this will work.

ME:  Hey baby, I got you something for Valentine’s Day.

HER:  Oh, that’s so sweet!  Wow, it’s heavy!

ME:  Yeah, it’s packed full of love baby, I think you’ll like it!

HER: Opens gift.  Oh, what is it… it looks like a toolbox?

ME:  Yeah baby, it’s a toolbox just for you.

HER:  Uh… why’d you get me a toolbox?

ME: Well, I’m trying to translate my skills at being handy into my… you know… romanticism… isn’t that sweet?  See, open it up… all these tools inside… you know… tools can be SEXY and ROMANTIC.  Like these nails… you know… ’cause you’re the nails that hold my life together… and these pliers… ’cause I’ll always hold you tight, baby, ’cause you’ve got a vice grip on my heart… and this planer here… that’s so whenever you are having a rough day… I’ll be there to help take the edge off… cool, huh?

HER:  Uh… seriously… you got me a toolbox?

ME:  Yeah baby,  check it out… see this hammer… ’cause, like I know sometimes I’m hard-headed and make you want to pull your nails out, but I really do love you more than anything… isn’t that awesome?  Let’s see what else is in here…. how about this level… ’cause I’m so level-headed… you know… isn’t that cool?  You always level with me and I’ll always level with you.  HOT huh?  And look, here’s a measuring tape… what do you think that means?

HER:  Uh… I can only imagine… something to do with the length of your… oh nevermind…

ME:  Ha Ha… no baby… seriously… it’s like… let’s go the distance… like I’m totally committed… isn’t that sexy baby?

HER:  I’m starting to think you need to be committed… like to a mental health ward!

ME: Awww, c’mon baby… check this out… look at this saw… you know… the first tiiimmmme…. ever I saaaaaaw yoouurr faaace… HOT huh?  That’s Roberta Flack baby.

HER:  Giggling.  Yeah, I know that song…

ME:  Yeah baby, I knew you’d like this stuff… check out this hacksaw here… ’cause you look so sharp, you could cut through metal… like BUTTA!

HER:  You’re such a dork!

ME:  Baby, you’re so hot when you’re being cynical!

HER:  Pulling out another tool.   What’s this?

ME:  Baby… that’s a chisel… for carving out my six-pack abs… for you baby! How SMOKIN’ HOT is that?

HER:  laughing  I don’t think it’s working… maybe the chisel isn’t sharp enough!

ME:  Yeah, I know… it’s the thought though right?  Hey check out this wrench, baby… what do you think it means?

HER:  I don’t know… you’d better not make any snide comments about me being a wench.

ME:  Ha ha… no baby, it’s like… hey if you keep my nuts and bolts adjusted… we’ll always have a tight, solid, stable relationship.

HER:  Uh… seriously… did you really just say that?

ME:  Yeah… isn’t that HOT… and this ratchet set here… ’cause you can turn me on in even the tiniest of spaces.

HER:  Ugh!

ME:  Yeah, I know, that’s totally HOT baby, right?

HER:  Reaches in and pulls out another tool.   What’s this for?

ME: That’s a wood rasp baby… ’cause sometimes it’s better rough and sometimes it’s better smooth… yeah baby… WOO HOO… isn’t that totally HOT baby?

HER: How about this screwdriver… let me guess… ’cause you like to screw?

ME:  WOW, that is SO TOTALLY AWESOME!! See, you’re starting to get the hang of it… man, I knew you’d love this gift!

HER: Uh, yeah, well it is different…

ME:  Yeah I know it totally rocks doesn’t it?  Tools are totally sexy, right?

HER: Um… well… yeah…uh… sure… sexy… what’s this drill for?

ME:  C’mon, baby… you can guess… what do think it’s for?

HER:  Giggling.  I know… if I show you my bits… you have to show me your drill?

ME:  ROCK ON DUDE!  Yeah, totally awesome, that was so FREAKIN’ HOT… I love you MAN!

HER:  Okay, you’re right… that’s was a pretty cool gift… I suppose we should go have sex or something now?

ME:  Yeah baby, wow, that’s so HOT… but, hey I have a better idea…

HER:  And what would that be?

ME:  C’mon, baby, grab the car keys… Home Depot is having a sale on power tools… now THAT’S  HOT!!!

Hope you all have a “constructive”  Valentine’s Day!

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