Tag Archives: poop

How to dispose of an unflushable poo

We all have funny search terms that show up on our stats pages. We all have search terms that make us wonder how those particular terms actually got someone to click and read our blog.  We all have search terms that show up consistently, over and over again, that drive readers to certain posts that we have written that most likely don’t contain the relevant information that the reader was searching for.  I’ve read many hilarious posts that some of my subscriptions have written based on their search terms and I’ve written one or two myself during the life of this blog.

On one hand, I try not to write posts that are based on my search terms.  Somehow I feel like it’s cheating, like it’s too easy. I feel like I’m not generating my own idea for a post and I’m not forcing myself to use my own creativity to drive the writing. On the other hand, sometimes they just have to be addressed.

Yesterday someone arrived to my blog by typing the following search term:

how to dispose of an unflushable poo

Now, as you surely know, an unflushable poo is a very complex and serious situation.  If we step back a moment and analyze the terms, we can infer the following:

1. The searcher has just taken a “poo”. We are not able to determine the size of the poo, but clearly the distinct terminology, specifically the use of the word “unflushable” leads us to believe that the searcher has taken not just a regular sized poo, but a very large, possibly enormously sized poo.

2. The searcher has already determined that the poo is unflushable meaning he has already tried flushing it. Of course there is the slim possibility that the searcher took the poo, turned around and saw that is was such a mammoth poo and made the immediate, rash judgment that is was unflushable, but experience tells us that most people would make the attempt to flush the poo.

3. As it seems clear that the searcher was able to make the attempt to flush the poo, we can conclude that the searcher is not involved in a situation where there is a power outage or plumbing issue.

4. The searcher is trying to figure out how to remove the poo from the toilet and “dispose” of it via some other method, perhaps by washing it down the sink, putting it into a trash container, or throwing the poo out of a window. It is unclear whether the searcher is still standing in the bathroom whilst in a deep panic, and using his smart phone to search while the water rapidly fills up the toilet, or if the searcher has had the opportunity to leave the bathroom and search on an actual computer. Regardless, it is likely the searcher has not yet washed his hands.

5. We cannot determine this with 100% certainty, but it is likely the searcher is not in his home. Instead, it seems reasonable to assume that the searcher is in the home of someone else and is concerned about the possible embarrassment involved in having to admit to having taken an “unflushable poo”.  We can be quite certain the searcher is not in a public bathroom, where unflushable poos are frequently left with total disregard to the people who must use the bathroom at a later time.

With these facts at hand we come to the following conclusion:

The searcher has recently arrived at the apartment of the woman that he met on Match.com. The couple has just completed a successful night out, that included fine dining on steaks and seafood, several bottles of expensive wine, two fabulous desserts, a couple of shots of Grand Marnier, a little footsie under the table, and some romantic hand holding on the walk back to her home through the city park.  Upon arriving at the woman’s apartment, she has asked the searcher to come inside for a nightcap.  While sitting on the couch, the searcher begins having massive stomach cramps and realizes that he has to use the bathroom.  The searcher excuses himself, walks to the bathroom, sits down on the toilet and takes the unflushable poo. When finished, the searcher flushes the toilet, begins walking towards the sink, only to briefly look back and see the unflushable poo still in the bowl. The searcher panics as all chances of getting laid are quickly flying out the window.  With the door to the bathroom locked, the searcher pulls out his phone, types in “how to dispose of an unflushable poo” and ends up at The Brown Road Chronicles and my post titled “Top 10 things I learned during Ice Storm 2011.”

That’s all we can decipher from the available data.  I don’t know what happened next… but I hope he comes back and subscribes to my blog some day.

You are welcome to speculate in your comments!

Advertisements

31 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

MEMO: Changes to Shitting Policies

MEMO

November 25th, 2011

TO:  ALL BROWN ROAD RESIDENTS

RE:  Changes to Shitting Policies

 

As stated in the Brown Road Resident Handbook and Policy Manual; Section 5, Page 24; Shitting Policies:

Any resident (person or animal) that uses the out-of-doors as the primary location for shitting shall have no restrictions on where the particular shitting must occur. As the Brown Road Residence has a reasonably large area of property, Brown Road Management feels it would put undue burden on our residents to specify that out-of-doors shitting only take place in certain areas.

It is these types of flexible and considerate policies that Brown Road Management believes contributes to the well-being and consistent happiness and satisfaction of all of our residents.  However, it has come to our attention that there has been a proliferation of shitting on or in the vicinity of the entryway porch.  Yesterday, to prepare the residence for guests to arrive to share in the annual Thanksgiving Feast, Brown Road Management was required to clean up roughly twenty piles of dog shit from the area immediately surrounding the main residence entryway, as well as sweep up a large volume of goat shit that had been directly deposited on the porch.  Brown Road Management understands that the actual process of shitting can be complicated and can, perhaps catch some of our residents off-guard. However, as the Brown Road Resident Handbook and Policy Manual makes quite clear, Brown Road Management believes we have afforded all of you out-of-doors shitters, plenty of space to do your shitting, approximately three full acres and that it is unnecessary for you to do the vast majority of your shitting in the roughly twenty square feet that our residents and guests must walk through upon entering the residence.

Shitting on or in the vicinity of the entryway porch is problematic for a variety of reasons, those being most notably;

  • It is unkempt and unsanitary.
  • Guests entering the home resemble soldiers traversing a minefield.
  • Independent research has proven that stepping in shit and tracking it into the home has negative ramifications on the well-being of those residents who spend most of their time inside.

Therefore, with sincere and deep regret, Brown Road Management has determined that we must immediately revise the out-of-doors shitting policy as follows:

Any resident (person or animal) that uses the out-of-doors as the primary location for shitting shall be restricted to shitting no closer than 100 feet from any and all high traffic areas. This includes all entryways to the home and barns, picnic tables, seating areas and driveway. We understand that this may put an undue burden on those residents that do the majority of their shitting out-of-doors but in turn we believe that these shitting restrictions are in the best interest of all Brown Road residents.

Violations of this policy will be handled on a case-by-case basis, but in general will follow the steps outlined in the Brown Road Resident Handbook and Policy Manual, Section Seven: Disciplinary Procedures and Corporal Punishment. Please review that section of your manual at your earliest convenience.  We also suggest you print a copy of this memo and add it to your individual handbooks for future reference.

Thank you for your patience and understanding of Brown Road Management’s decisions regarding this regrettable situation.

 

 

16 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

O’ Beautiful Corn

O’ Beautiful Corn, you grow so high.
Up to our knees by Fourth of July.
Up to our chest in August late.
Just in time for harvest date.

O’ Beautiful Corn, grown from the lands.
We buy you from the local stands.
A dozen ears won’t cost a lot.
Shall be enough to fill our pot.

O’ Beautiful Corn, in husks of green.
We peel them to reveal your sheen.
A job, our children we employ.
One of the jobs they do enjoy.

O’ Beautiful Corn, you precious food.
You always put me in the mood.
For friends and fun and barbeques.
And summer meals we can’t refuse.

O’ Beautiful Corn of shining Maize.
Your fresh picked taste on summer days.
Soaked in butter, sprinkled with salt.
Your goodness we should all exalt.

O’ Beautiful Corn, your cobs we strip.
With our teeth we tear and rip.
Like a typewriter moving ‘cross the page
That’s how it’s done at any age.

But Beautiful Corn, we must confess.
There’s a question we can only guess,
has been asked by people o’er and again,
even the pilgrims way back when.

See, Beautiful Corn, we are distressed.
Why your kernels, we cannot digest.
Every other food we turn to poo.
Why can’t we do the same with you?

The End (pun intended)! 🙂

15 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized