Tag Archives: potty jokes

How to dispose of an unflushable poo

We all have funny search terms that show up on our stats pages. We all have search terms that make us wonder how those particular terms actually got someone to click and read our blog.  We all have search terms that show up consistently, over and over again, that drive readers to certain posts that we have written that most likely don’t contain the relevant information that the reader was searching for.  I’ve read many hilarious posts that some of my subscriptions have written based on their search terms and I’ve written one or two myself during the life of this blog.

On one hand, I try not to write posts that are based on my search terms.  Somehow I feel like it’s cheating, like it’s too easy. I feel like I’m not generating my own idea for a post and I’m not forcing myself to use my own creativity to drive the writing. On the other hand, sometimes they just have to be addressed.

Yesterday someone arrived to my blog by typing the following search term:

how to dispose of an unflushable poo

Now, as you surely know, an unflushable poo is a very complex and serious situation.  If we step back a moment and analyze the terms, we can infer the following:

1. The searcher has just taken a “poo”. We are not able to determine the size of the poo, but clearly the distinct terminology, specifically the use of the word “unflushable” leads us to believe that the searcher has taken not just a regular sized poo, but a very large, possibly enormously sized poo.

2. The searcher has already determined that the poo is unflushable meaning he has already tried flushing it. Of course there is the slim possibility that the searcher took the poo, turned around and saw that is was such a mammoth poo and made the immediate, rash judgment that is was unflushable, but experience tells us that most people would make the attempt to flush the poo.

3. As it seems clear that the searcher was able to make the attempt to flush the poo, we can conclude that the searcher is not involved in a situation where there is a power outage or plumbing issue.

4. The searcher is trying to figure out how to remove the poo from the toilet and “dispose” of it via some other method, perhaps by washing it down the sink, putting it into a trash container, or throwing the poo out of a window. It is unclear whether the searcher is still standing in the bathroom whilst in a deep panic, and using his smart phone to search while the water rapidly fills up the toilet, or if the searcher has had the opportunity to leave the bathroom and search on an actual computer. Regardless, it is likely the searcher has not yet washed his hands.

5. We cannot determine this with 100% certainty, but it is likely the searcher is not in his home. Instead, it seems reasonable to assume that the searcher is in the home of someone else and is concerned about the possible embarrassment involved in having to admit to having taken an “unflushable poo”.  We can be quite certain the searcher is not in a public bathroom, where unflushable poos are frequently left with total disregard to the people who must use the bathroom at a later time.

With these facts at hand we come to the following conclusion:

The searcher has recently arrived at the apartment of the woman that he met on Match.com. The couple has just completed a successful night out, that included fine dining on steaks and seafood, several bottles of expensive wine, two fabulous desserts, a couple of shots of Grand Marnier, a little footsie under the table, and some romantic hand holding on the walk back to her home through the city park.  Upon arriving at the woman’s apartment, she has asked the searcher to come inside for a nightcap.  While sitting on the couch, the searcher begins having massive stomach cramps and realizes that he has to use the bathroom.  The searcher excuses himself, walks to the bathroom, sits down on the toilet and takes the unflushable poo. When finished, the searcher flushes the toilet, begins walking towards the sink, only to briefly look back and see the unflushable poo still in the bowl. The searcher panics as all chances of getting laid are quickly flying out the window.  With the door to the bathroom locked, the searcher pulls out his phone, types in “how to dispose of an unflushable poo” and ends up at The Brown Road Chronicles and my post titled “Top 10 things I learned during Ice Storm 2011.”

That’s all we can decipher from the available data.  I don’t know what happened next… but I hope he comes back and subscribes to my blog some day.

You are welcome to speculate in your comments!

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The Therapist

DOC:  Hello Steve, go ahead and have a seat on that red couch there… so, what brings you to my office today?

ME:  Well, you see Doc… I’m not funny anymore.

DOC:  Excuse me? You’re not funny anymore?

ME:  Yes, I used to be really funny… you see, I write a blog… it’s called Brown Road Chronicles… have you read it?

DOC:  No, I’m sorry I have not read it… in any case, keep going… tell me why you don’t think you’re funny anymore.

ME:  Yeah, okay… well my blog used to be knee-slapping funny… no, it was even funnier than that… it was piss-your-pants funny… and I could crank out post after post, day after day… just totally funny shit.

DOC:  And now?

ME:  Now… I got nothin’.  My goats don’t even make me laugh anymore.

DOC:  Uhhh… your goats?

ME:  Yeah, I have a couple of goats… but that’s a whole separate session.

DOC:  Okay… well, do you have any thoughts on why you are not able to be funny anymore?

ME:  I don’t know… maybe it’s just hard to be funny all the time… to make people laugh.  I think sometimes being an adult just gets in the way.

DOC:  Yes, I’m sure it can be difficult.  Funny comes from deep down inside you, from the core of your life experiences.  We just need to dig deep into your psyche and find the roots of your funniness. I’d like to hypnotize you and bring you back to your childhood and see if we can uncover some of those roots.

ME:  Sure… whatever works Doc.

DOC:  Okay, I want you to just lay back on the couch and relax, close your eyes and just breath… nice deep breaths… feel the air going in and out… you’re feeling very relaxed… breathe… nice deep breaths… very relaxed… now I am going to count backwards from 10 and you will fall into a deep sleep… 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… good… now you are in a deep sleep… you are back to your childhood, I want you to think of some things that you found funny… tell me about where you are?

ME:  I am in my garage… at one of the first houses we lived in Michigan… I’m young, like early elementary school years.

DOC:  And what are you doing in the garage?

ME:  My older brothers and a friend are recording farts on one of those old cassette tape recorders.  They start the tape by saying, “now you may listen to our collection of farts.”  Every time one of them has to fart they push down the record button and let it rip.  Then every once in a while they’ll play back the whole tape… you know… to see how it’s all coming together… it’s totally hilarious… I have tears in my eyes from laughing so much.

DOC:  Excellent, excellent… yes, very good… farts are funny… that’s very good Steve.  Let’s try to find something else… can you look forward a few more years?

ME:  Okay, now I’m in Pennsylvania, in a grocery store with my grandmother and my two brothers and my cousin… were visiting our relatives… I’m probably in about 3rd grade or so.  Us four boys, we’re in the baking aisle… and we find a bottle that says “Pure Anise Extract” on it.  Of course, we think it says “anus extract”.  We’re laughing our fucking asses off… rolling around the aisle, like hooligans… we keep repeating it… “pure anus extract… pure anus extract” and howling with laughter… it’s totally freakin’ funny…

DOC:  That is very funny… then what happens?

ME:  Then my grandmother comes around the corner and figures out what we are laughing at… she was fucking pissed… she goes ballistic on us… chewed our asses out… right in the middle of the god damn grocery store… that was funny shit though… we still talk about that story as adults.

DOC:  Excellent… very good Steve… now let’s go to your middle school years… anything funny there?

Me:  Yeah…  I’m standing in the kitchen at our house on Long Island, with two of my close friends.  One of them dares the other guy to eat a spoonful of flour… you know… a harmless prank amongst friends… we didn’t have any idea what would happen.

DOC:  Okay… that’s very good… pranks are always good fun… so what happened?

ME:  Well, he puts this gigantic spoonful of flour in his mouth, not like a little teaspoon, but a big soup spoon full… you know how dry that shit is… then he can barely swallow it… mix in a little saliva and it’s turning to cement right in his mouth… we’re like freakin’ out thinking this poor guy is gonna choke to death… he’s like gagging and choking… it was freakin’ hilarious!

DOC:  Did everything turn out okay?

ME:  Yeah, he eventually got it all down…

DOC:  I’m glad to hear that… okay, very good Steve… now, let’s look forward a little more at your high school years.

ME:  Yeah… okay… it’s late on a Summer night… I’m hanging out with my brothers and some friends and we’re drinking some beers.  A few weeks earlier, one of the older guys had stolen this five foot plastic palm tree from an outdoor, tropical themed bar they sometimes hung out at… so now we’re all wasted, and one of us decides we should take the tree and plant it in one of our buddies front yards… we grab a shovel and sneak over there in the dark, dig a hole in their yard and plant this plastic palm tree… right dead center in their front yard… hilarious!

DOC:  I’m not sure vandalism is that funny Steve… so what happened?

ME:  Turns out they didn’t think it was that funny either.

DOC:  Yes, I can imagine… but that’s very good Steve… good, funny memories… finally, how about during your college age years, anything come to mind there…

ME:  Oh man… where do I start?  Okay… I’m sitting outside in my back yard at my house… same house on Long Island… my parents threw this big party every summer… we called it The Hootenanny… we’d sit around all day eating and drinking and playing guitars and singing, swimming in the pool, playing basketball… tons of people would come, friends, family, everybody we knew.

DOC:  Okay, that’s very good… but tell me the funny part…

ME:  Well after most of the guests are gone, the hardcore partiers… you know, all the college aged guys and girls would sit around drinking… and smoking cigars… and then someone decides to light a fart… have you ever lit a fart?

DOC:  Ahhh… fascinating… farts seem to be a recurring theme here… that’s very good Steve.  But uhhh… no, I’m sorry I can’t say that I have ever lit a fart… I’m sure that is quite entertaining however!

ME:  Yeah, it’s freakin’ hilarious… you should try it some time.  It helps when everybody’s really drunk too… so we’re sitting around talking and lighting farts… imagine, you’re sitting in a circle having a drunken conversation with friends and every so often someone lights up a fart… chicks sometimes too… POOF… hilarious… freakin’ hilarious!

DOC:  That is very funny Steve… excellent work… you’ve done very well today… now, what I am going to do is… I am going to count down from ten again… and you will slowly come out of your sleep… 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… wake up now Steve.

ME:  Whoa… hey Doc… wow, that was crazy… I don’t remember anything… what happened?

DOC:  Well, I’ve learned quite a lot during this session… I think you may have some latent flatulatory neuroses… but in any case a few common themes kept arising during your stories, Steve… those being… well farts… potty humor… uhhh… drinking stories… and well I guess, maybe we can include pranks and jokes.  I also noticed most of your stories involved close family and friends.  So, I think when you are writing, you just need to revert back to some of those adolescent, juvenile things that you and your family and friends find funny… other people will probably find them funny as well.

ME:  Oh… well that’s pretty much what I am doing already.

DOC:  Well… just keep doing that.

ME:  But… but… you haven’t really solved my problem… I’m still finding it hard to be consistently funny… day after day after day.

DOC:  Well, Steve… if you’d like to come back for another session… I’d be happy to see you again… but today we are out of time… I have another patient waiting.

ME:  No… that’s okay… what do I owe you today.

DOC:  Today’s fee is $500.00. You can pay at the reception desk out in the lobby.

ME:  Five hundred frickin’ dollars?!?!?!?  Dude, that is totally NOT funny…

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