Dear New York Yankees,
I am so sorry to have to tell you this in a letter but I just thought it was the best way and at least I didn’t text you. We’ve had so many special times together since we met in 1977 and I really do still love you. I’ll never forget all the beers we shared and the bags of potato chips and hot dogs and all the other great times. I loved you so much over the years, especially when you had Don Mattingly, those were great times and I’ll always cherish them. In fact, I’ll be honest, because I know you always say how honesty is so important in a relationship, and tell you I’ll always love you, but right now I just don’t feel “in love” with you. Does that make sense? My emotions right now are so crazy I just don’t understand what is going on. Anyway, I think it might be best if we take a little break from each other. SORRY! I’m SO, SO sorry and I know that you’ll be hurt and maybe all we need is some time off, maybe I just need some time off. This isn’t really about you, it’s really about me, please don’t be mad. I know you are going to be mad. God I hate doing this to you, but I just feel it’s not working out like we thought it would, especially this whole long distance relationship. It was so much easier when we lived closed to each other. But since I moved away, you know I almost never get to see you and I’m just not sure we can make this work any longer. Maybe I just need a little space and some time to work out all of my feelings. Do you understand where I am coming from? I know this is probably coming as a big shock to you and I feel terrible about this and I just hope that you understand what I’m going through right now. I have a lot going on in my life right now and my emotions are all over the place. I know you probably think it’s just hormones or something, but it’s not and I’m just asking you to give me a little time to get my feelings in order.
You know I also think it might be a good idea if I were to see some other teams for a little while, you know, while we work through these issues. Like maybe some local teams. Like maybe the Detroit Tigers. Just for a little while, you know, like maybe just through the rest of the playoffs, and then we can see how it goes once we’ve both had a little space and some time away from each other. I know how you must be feeling reading this and I feel so horrible about it, but again, please understand that this isn’t about you at all, it’s just about me. I just need some time to figure things out. Does that make sense? Well actually it is a little bit about you. I have to admit, you really left me totally unsatisfied last week during the American League Division Series. I know what you’re thinking, that you had the best record in baseball this year and that is really great and I’m so proud of you and I love you for that, but you have to admit you’ve kind of let yourself go. You’re just not really as sexy as you used to be. I know you have Derek Jeter but he’s getting kind of old now and those other guys like Nick Swisher and Alex Rodriquez just aren’t getting me fired up. And that payroll of yours, well yeah it does kind of make you look fat. I’m sorry to say those things but I think it’s important to air it all out, you know? Do you understand where I’m coming from? I hope you understand. The Tigers on the other hand, they have Justin Verlander. Anyway, I’m SO SORRY to do this in a letter and I’d prefer if you didn’t try to call or e-mail me or anything like that. I’ll let you know when I figure everything out. Is that okay? I hope you aren’t too mad. SORRY! 😦