Tag Archives: humor

My Humble Beginnings

The Mad Mud Moon Man   by Steve Warner

Once upon a time there was a mad mud moon man. He lived in a garbage bag and he came out every night. Every weekend he came down to earth. One weekend when he came down, he went to a farm-yard for dinner. The farmer looked out the window and the farmer got up, ran over and got his gun, picked it up, ran out the door and started shooting at him but he got away. Every weekend the mud monster would come to the farm but every time he’d get scared away. One day the farmer called fifteen hunters. All fifteen hunters went. A week went by and still no sign of him. All of a sudden five of them heard footsteps. They all split up. They got back into a group again. They were still hearing footprints. All the sudden five mud monsters came walking at them. All fifteen of them pointed their guns at the mud monsters. All fifteen guns went and there was five mud puddles laying out in the woods.

moon man 1

moon man 2

I found this today while digging through some files.  My mother had saved it and given it to me many years ago when she was culling stuff out of the house.  I had to clean up some of the grammatical issues up above, but clearly my awesome and worldly writing talents started at an early age!

My kindergarten teacher was named Mrs. Smiley… at least I think it was. That’s one of those “facts” that I have burned into my memory that I will never forget, but there’s no way to verify whether that’s  true or not. Maybe we just called her Mrs. Smiley, because she was happy or something… but that’s not as appealing a tale!  So I’ll stick with the story that she was named Mrs. Smiley. I don’t know if I wrote this in Mrs. Smiley’s class, but clearly with a name like that she must have had a positive influence on my academic career!

When did you seriously start writing? Do you still have any of your early stories?

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That Most Gigantic, Elephantic, Three Eyed Wildebeest

An acceptance story…

I went into the shelter, to find myself a pet.
I couldn’t wait to find out which companion I would get.
Wand’ring ‘round from cage to cage, I checked out every guest.
Discretion was important, to find which pet was best.

The options, there were many, with cages far and wide.
The selection was so varied, I couldn’t quite decide.
So many shapes and colors, of each and every size.
In every cage I’d look inside and find a new surprise.

I knew among the choices, though, the pet I wanted least.
That Most Gigantic, Elephantic, Three Eyed Wildebeest.
His spot was in the corner, away from all the rest.
He hardly fit inside his cage, he looked a little stressed.

I quickly walked right by and though I barely gave a look.
He wagged his big long tail so much his metal cage, it shook!
And as I passed, without so much as looking in his eyes.
I knew he felt deflated from his whimper’s and his sigh’s.

But he really wasn’t right quite the pet I wanted, strictly speaking.
That Wildebeest was not the sort of pet that I was seeking.
So I continued searching, looking for that perfect friend.
And pretty soon I’d made it almost to the very end!

A worker came and asked me, “may I help with your selection?”
“The one there in the corner will provide you much affection!”
“I know he’s sort of different from the pet you had expected.”
“He’s been here many years though and he’s never been selected.”

I threw out some excuses like “I just don’t have the room.”
“I just don’t have the money for the food he will consume.”
But that worker wouldn’t hear it, excuses weren’t an option.
This day he had a lofty goal, a Wildebeest adoption!

He grabbed my arm and asked me “would you take another peek?”
“That Wildebeest would be the kind of pet that’s most unique!”
“I think if you look closer you might see a different light.”
Begrudgingly I followed, with no argument or fight.

We stood there for a moment, gently staring at this creature.
The three big eyes a-top his head, his most alarming feature.
His mouth it dripped with drool and spit, his fur was matted slightly.
And this time, so his hopes weren’t dashed, his tail just fluttered lightly.

He straightened up to look his best just like he’d done before.
But this time something told him he should try a little more.
He smiled a smile, the best he could, his crooked teeth were showing.
And in his eyes, all three of them, I saw some hope was glowing.

I knew right then, the two of us, had made a warm connection.
I took a few steps backwards for some personal reflection.
Then I turned back to the worker and with calmness in my voice.
I said to him “you’ve made your point, I’ve finally made my choice!”

So now I’m the proud owner of the pet I wanted least.
That Most Gigantic, Elephantic, Three Eyed Wildebeest.
And the lesson that I’ve learned is that there’s so much to discover.
If you look at life with open eyes…

… and never… ever… ever… judge a Wildebeest by its cover!

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An Introduction to the Sales Career via the Book “Caps for Sale”

“Once there was a peddler who sold caps. But he was not like an ordinary peddler carrying his wares on his back. He carried them on top of his head.”

So begins the tale of the peddler who sold caps in the famous book “Caps for Sale” by Esphyr Slobodkina originally published in 1940.

Those of you who read regularly might know that I am a sales rep. Having been in my industry in both the capacity as a buyer and a salesperson I feel qualified to give some input to those that are considering a career in sales. You could read “Sales for Dummies” or “Mastering the Art of the Sale” or one of the hundreds of other salesmanship books out there.

Or you could just read “Caps for Sale”.

Here’s why… see my in-depth analysis below.

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Situation 1. Our main character is a peddler who sells caps. He walks up and down the road trying to sell to customers.

Quote from book: “He walked up and down the streets, holding himself very straight so as not to upset his caps. As he went along he called, “Caps! Caps for Sale! Fifty Cents a Cap!”

Analysis: A good salesperson, as this man is, knows that his appearance is one of the most important tools in sales. He is dressed professionally and he keeps his goods very organized and well-kept on his head. He is self motivated, works hard and has a very competitively priced product which he can deliver on the spot. He is implementing one of the simplest of sales tools; fill a need. People need caps… he has caps.

Take Home Thought: Persistence, appearance, hard work and positive energy pays off.

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Situation 2: One day the peddler just couldn’t sell any caps. So he decided to take a walk into the country and found a nice shady tree and took a nap.

Quote from Book: “One morning he couldn’t sell any caps. He walked up and down the street calling “Caps! Caps for Sale! Fifty Cents a Cap!” But nobody wanted any caps that morning. Not even a red cap.”

Analysis: Sales can be very rewarding some days and very frustrating other days. Even the best salesperson will have days when he just can’t sell anything. The peddler understands that a good salesperson is always planting seeds whether he has made a sale or not. Those seeds often grow into positive relationships with customers. He also knows that on some days  he’ll run into rejection after rejection after rejection. On those days it’s often easier to just take a nap.

Take home thought: Sometimes it’s easier just to take a nap.

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Situation 3: When the peddler woke up he realized he had a serious problem; all of his caps were missing.

Quote from Book: “He looked up into the tree. And what do you think he saw? On every branch sat a monkey. On every monkey was a gray, or a brown or a blue, or a red cap!”

Analysis: A good salesperson knows that success will often involve overcoming significant challenges. The peddler knows that he needs to be very detail oriented and constantly at the top of his game. Even though the peddler felt it was okay to take a short break from working, from past experience he quickly remembered that inevitably, if he is not paying attention, something will go wrong.

Take Home Thought: It’s okay to occasionally sleep on the job but be prepared for the consequences.

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Situation 4: The peddler got up from the ground and knew that he had to address the situation.

Quote from book: “The peddler looked at the Monkeys. The Monkeys looked at the peddler. He didn’t know what to do. Finally he spoke to them.”

Analysis: A good salesperson knows that he will sometimes be confronted with a problem, either with a corporate colleague, another rep, or a customer.  When that happens, its best to find a prompt solution that will minimize damage and that is suitable for all parties involved. A good salesperson also knows that to reach an adequate solution to an issue it’s best to have a face to face conversation rather than hiding behind e-mails or texts.  Phone calls are adequate if there is geographical distance between the parties.

Take Home Thought: Face to face conversations are always the preferred method of conflict resolution.

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Situation 5: The circumstances quickly spiral out of control. The peddler shouts at the monkeys, shakes his finger and stamps on the ground in an attempt to get his caps back. But the monkeys only mimic him back.

Quote from Book: “You monkeys, you” he said, shaking a finger at them, “you give me back my caps.” But the monkeys only shook their fingers back at him and said, “Tsz, tsz, tsz.”

Analysis: A good salesperson knows that when attempting to resolve a problem, what begins as a reasonable approach can quickly disintegrate into an epic battle of finger-pointing, stamping feet and abrasive language. Even though the peddler knows this will only cause the monkeys to become defensive and act in the same aggressive and condescending manner, he let’s himself fall into this misdirected method of conflict resolution.

Take Home Thought: Remember the old cliché, “you will catch more monkeys with bananas than you will with vinegar. Monkey’s hate vinegar.” Don’t let anger get the best of you.

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Situation 6: The peddler gets so fed up that he throws his hat on the ground in anger. In response to this, all the monkeys throw their hats on the ground as well and he is able to collect them all up.

Quote from Book: “So the peddler picked up his caps and put them back on his head – first his own checked cap, then the gray caps, then the brown caps, then the blue caps, then the red caps at the very top.”

Analysis:  A good salesperson knows to take advantage of any situation that ends in a positive result whether the positive result was intended or not. Although the peddler knows his approach to solving this particular problem may not have been his finest moment, he can now put this one behind him and get back to his primary role… selling!

Take Home Thought: Stuff usually works out!

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Situation 7: The peddler regains his composure and gets back into the sales field, working hard, filling needs and building relationships.

Quote from Book: “And slowly, slowly, he walked back to town calling, “Caps! Caps for sale! Fifty cents a cap!”

Analysis:  A good salesperson is resilient. A good salesperson lives to sell another day. The peddler knows that he shouldn’t let yesterday’s headaches affect today’s successes.

Take Home Thought: Never Give Up!

So there you go, pretty much all you need to know about sales.

And in the worst case scenario… sometimes it’s easier to just take a nap.

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Ten Reasons You Shouldn’t SPAM Follow Me

Sorry I had to jump on the bandwagon. With the recent hyper-activity of SPAM followers going around WordPress and with no noticeable solution on the horizon, I figured I would take the situation into my own hands. So, here’s a post that hopefully will deter some of the Spammer’s out there from clicking my subscribe button.

Ten Reasons You Shouldn’t SPAM Follow Me:

10. I don’t have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I will admit to having suffered with hemorrhoids occasionally but definitely not Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  Sometimes the morning after drinking too much I feel like I might have it, but that usually goes away in a few hours.

9. I don’t need any more credit cards. I have enough of those and I typically pay them off every month. I appreciate your concern with my financial well-being but so far I am in good shape with only moderate amounts of debt. I’m sort of old-fashioned too. You would have had better luck if you had sent me an envelope with one of those cool, fake credit cards in it. That would have piqued my interest a little more than you following a blog about goats and such.

8. I don’t speak any languages that fall in the categories of Asian or Arabic or even European. I especially don’t speak Indonesian-ese. See, I don’t really know what language they even speak in Indonesia, but seems I have become a popular blog in that region. In fact, I’ll admit that I really don’t even know where Indonesia is and if it’s a country or just a region, or perhaps just an area. I only speak English and even that I struggle with sometimes.

7. I’m not a believer in God or really anything religious.  If you were subscribing to my blog so that I might join your legion of brainwashed followers, well sorry, you’re definitely wasting your time. Why I haven’t been struck down by lightning yet, in the 45 years I’ve been around is a popular question.

6. I don’t buy much clothing and I’ve never, ever bought myself a women’s purse or women’s jewelry. That’s not really my thing.  In my younger days, I did used to be a little bit metro-sexual, but the whole country life has kind of kicked that in the ass. In fact I haven’t even purchased new underwear in several years. I’m not really the best candidate for your retail operations.

5. In a similar vein, other than my wedding band, I don’t wear any Men’s jewelry either, especially a watch.  I understand that there are a lot of really cool, imitation watches out there, that would perhaps make me look like I am very important and wealthy. But I just find that I don’t really need a watch anymore. See, I have my phone and it tells me the time all day long. In fact I think it pulls the time from somewhere up in outer space, where I guess there’s some kind of super clock that is always right. I don’t really know how it works but it’s very smart and it even knows when to change to daylight savings time, which is pretty cool. So, that’s working out pretty well for me.

4. I’m not much of a dieter. Especially healthy diets.  If your diet plan consists of pasta, hot dogs, wine and other food that comes from a box, including the wine, then perhaps I might be more interested.

3. I’m not in a position right now to be buying any new appliances. I will share with you that our dishwasher broke down about five years ago and we’ve never replaced it. We just do our dishes the old-fashioned way, in the sink with a brush and a sponge. Our Microwave just recently started acting up, not turning on and other strange behaviors. But we discovered that if you hit the side of it pretty hard, that seems to usually get it back on track. I think I’ll just keep doing that for a while.

2. This blog is not that popular. I know I like to toot my own horn and pretend that it’s very popular, but I still haven’t even reached the 500 subscriber mark. Now, I will admit that number is increasing exponentially with the recent influx of followers, but of those that are actually subscribed I think there are probably only about 30 that are reading actively. There’s probably other blogs that might be more lucrative for you. Perhaps you could find a good blog written by an Indonesian Credit Card Salesman who suffers from Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

1. Frankly its CREEPING ME THE FUCK OUT!  This is a personal blog, GO THE FUCK AWAY!

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