Tag Archives: humor

Mr. Smither was in a dither…

Mr. Smither was in a dither while fixing his old house one day.
Kneeling on the floor, his knees were sore, a rusty nail was in his way.
His floor was squeaky, sometimes creaky, a shiny nail would do the trick.
But first he must, remove that rusty nail, a task that should be quick.

He tried and tried, he pulled and pried, his hammer wouldn’t win this fight.
The more he pulled, that nail would hold, onto that board with all its might.
His arms soon ached, he took a break, and came up with different angle.
A crowbar would, release for good, this nail with which he’d been entangled.

He hooked the claw, he clenched his jaw, he mustered up his strength and brawn.
He cranked with force, so much of course, he knew that nail would soon be gone.
Then what transpired, that nail it fired, like a bullet through the air.
Across the room, with a sonic boom, it bounced off the old-rocking chair.

In that chair, was often where, his Cat named Fred would take his naps.
Fred slept this day, snoozing away, dreaming of catching mice perhaps.
Unaware, of the oncoming scare, that would quickly give him quite a fear.
Poor Fred he leapt, from where he slept, straight up into the chandelier.

Mr. Smither, still in a dither, ran to see what he’d begat.
He was shocked, the chair it rocked, but in the seat there was no cat!
Then he heard a cry, from toward the sky, he looked to see poor Fred in fright.
The lamp was swinging, Fred was clinging, his big wide eyes were quite a site.

He grabbed his ladder, to fix this matter, and climbed up to the precipice.
He reached for Fred, who filled with dread and soon began to growl and hiss.
Then Fred decided, somewhat misguided, that he would rather try to jump.
‘Cause cats survive, they have nine lives, Fred nailed the landing with a thump.

With this commotion, in slow motion, Mr. Smither high upon that ladder.
First he twisted, then he listed, then he fell with quite a clatter.
Lo and behold, it knocked him cold, he lay there in a foggy trance.
Mrs. Smither, now in a dither, she quickly called an ambulance.

The Doctor said, “well, he’s not dead, just some bruises where he hit.”
“But I’d suggest, it would be best, to stay off ladders for a bit.”
The moral here, it is quite clear, if your floor might have a squeaky board.
Just let it squeak and let it creak, lest you end up in a hospital ward!

Listen to the Audio Version

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OMG are those OMB’s?

Let me tell you a story about a guy I know.  It’s not me… it’s just a guy… you know…that I know.  He thinks he might be getting… you know… a little bit of OMB’s.  He always figured the OMB’s would hold off until he was… you know… older… like maybe in his sixties.  He might even give in and say it would be okay in his fifties.  But not his forties… you know, he’s only forty-three… you know… this guy… that I know.  Sure he’ll turn forty-four in September, but that’s only forty-four years young. They’re far from full-fledged OMB’s.  They’re just starting to be OMB’s.  Let’s call them early-onset OMB’s. They’re OMB’s that are just starting to hang a little lower than they used to.  They’re nothing like eighty-year-old OMB’s.  Not that he’s ever really seen eighty-year-old OMB’s, but he’s no dummy. I… uhhh… I mean… uh… he… has a pretty clear vision of what eighty-year-old OMB’s probably look like.

This recent discovery hasn’t affected him in any noticeable or significant way, other than a slight downgrade to his personal self-image and psyche.  He just happened to notice his OMB’s in the mirror the other day. He had stepped out of the shower and was drying off and you know, the hot water had already caused them to hang down a little farther than usual. He said to himself “yeah dude, you need to start working out again… you’re looking a little soft in the middle… and man, you’re starting to get OMB’s.”  He looked closer and they seemed to be just kind of hanging there, sort of sad-looking, like a set of old, overused punching bags that had long ago lost their elasticity. He had visions of the punching bags in the inner-city Philadelphia boxing gym from the 1970’s Rocky film… just hanging there with their Everlast logo worn off.

It’s a tough day in a middle-aged guy’s life when he notices he’s starting to get OMB’s.  There are certainly many other signs of aging that a guy has to deal with. First a few brown spots and wrinkles all over his skin, then his metabolism slows down and each year his weight starts to inch up. Perhaps his fabulous coif of hair thins out a bit, but at the very least a few gray hairs start to appear.  That’s all okay. Lots of guys have the benefit of “aging gracefully.”  The gray hair looks distinguished.  The slight paunch can be disguised under a nicely pressed Oxford dress shirt.  The wrinkles on his face give that touch of rugged handsomeness.  But then one day he looks in the mirror and sees OMB’s… those dreaded OMB’s.  It’s an indisputable sign that the aging process is now in full swing and that the momentum in the epic battle between man and the overwhelming power of age and gravity is starting to shift. He thought it would hold off. He thought that those somewhat regular trips to the gym and a healthy diet would keep the balance on his side.  He thought that he was ageless and invincible.

This guy… you know… the guy… that I know… you know? So he gets out of the shower and he notices he’s starting to get OMB’s… he briefly considers switching from boxers to briefs. But in reality he figures its all down hill from here.  Then he remembers the squirrel…

... you know, the squirrel.

… and he looks in the mirror and says, “I don’t give a fuck about OMB’s.  I’m still a fucking stud and I’d stand in the desert and let someone take a goddamn picture of me and my OMB’s… just like the squirrel did…

… cause squirrels know what the fuck it’s all about.”

… and then he sang this song.

Do your balls hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them over your shoulder,
Like a continental soldier?
Do your balls hang low?

I’ll bet that kick-ass squirrel sang that before he got his picture taken!

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Yet Another Good Reason Not to Clean the Bathroom

This is a guest post from my good friend Lisa over at The Big Sheep Blog.

Steve, thank you for graciously agreeing to post this on your blog. At the end, I’ll explain to your fine readers why I felt it was best not to post it on my own blog.  Lisa

If you have teenagers, then you already know that cleaning their bathroom can be a disgusting frightening experience. Usually, I’m pretty courageous and just go in there and get it done.

However, if you heard a shriek yesterday morning at around 9:20, that was me. It started out as a routine exercise in blasting the grossness with a variety of powerful cleansers and disinfectants. Then I opened the cabinet under the sink to put away the assortment of products designed to make teenage boys not smell like teenage boys. I peeked in to find some room and saw something on the shelf that looked like maybe a black crumpled up bandana. I reached in to pick it up. It was soft. It was furry. It moved.

That’s when I shrieked and simultaneously slammed the cabinet door shut. I bolted out of the bathroom and down the stairs to find my husband, who was working from home and in the middle of a conference call. “THERE’S A BAT! A BAT! A BAT!”

After ascertaining that I was not in immediate mortal danger, he calmly finished his call and sauntered upstairs about 15 minutes later. Armed with a bath towel and a plastic container, he caught the bat. “Wow, that’s a pretty good sized bat,” he commented, observing the critter in the container. “I wonder how he got in there?”

“Get it out, get it out, get it out,” I pleaded. (I don’t normally repeat everything 3 times, but once or twice seemed insufficient for the gravity of the situation.)

After the crisis was averted, I couldn’t help myself – I googled the implications of finding a random bat in your house. Apparently, 90 percent of the time, a random bat in the house is an indication that there is a colony of bats in your attic. Oh crap. After sharing this finding with my husband, I requested he commence an inspection, which is not as easy as it sounds because we don’t have a full attic, only a series of crawl spaces accessible from various places in my kids’ rooms.

It was critical to complete the mission before my 14 year old daughter returned home from school because if she had any idea there had been a bat in her bathroom, she would never set foot in the bathroom or the house ever again. In fact, we’d probably have to burn the place down and relocate to another galaxy, preferably a bat-free galaxy. And that is why I thought it was prudent to tell this story here, rather than on my own blog.  Besides, I know that Brown Road Chronicles is very critter-friendly.

On a positive note, I’m thankful the bat didn’t bite me, I didn’t fall down the stairs or have a heart attack, and that my husband was home.  I’m most thankful, though, that it was not my daughter who discovered our little visitor.

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Gee, your hair looks terrific!

My wife got her hair cut a couple of weeks ago…

When I saw her that evening, I told her that I loved her more than life itself and even though she had just gotten one of the most incredible haircuts in the history of haircuts and she looked more beautiful than Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love, that I didn’t marry her for her hair and that she was beautiful no matter what her hair looked like…

Alright, I admit it… I didn’t really say that… but I did tell her two days later, when I finally noticed her haircut, that even though I hadn’t noticed right away that she looked stunning and more incredible than the day we met and that I appreciated her spending the time to look beautiful for me, but it didn’t really matter what her hair looked like because I loved her no matter what…

Okay… damn… alright, I didn’t say anything like that, but when I did notice like a week later, I said that she looked great but she looked a little different and asked her if she had done anything with her hair, even though it wasn’t really important because she was so beautiful and it didn’t really matter what her hairstyle looked like…

Alright… shit… you got me… I didn’t say any of that stuff, but when I got my own hair cut like a week and ½ later and my daughter noticed my hair and with my wife in the room, she asked me what I thought of Mom’s haircut, I told her that I thought it looked awesome, but I’d been very busy and just hadn’t had the opportunity to compliment her…

Alright… fuck… I admit it… I totally fucked it up again and I didn’t notice she got her haircut.  I don’t think I’ve ever noticed when she’s gotten her haircut and I figure since we met in 1986 I’ve easily had over 100 opportunities. I guess I’m just not that great at stuff like that. She didn’t bitch me out or anything… she is used to me being kind of a doofus when it comes to throwing out compliments for haircuts or new clothes or whatever else comes our way.

I’m glad she has accepted me for who I am. I am by no means perfect in some arenas, but I think I’ve got a lot to offer in others. She’s the same way and we compliment each other and that’s what makes our relationship so great. We rarely fight or have disputes, but we know and understand that marriage is hard, especially when children are involved. Somehow we make it work and we are able to keep some semblance of sanity in our lives. Is it perfect? No, but perfect isn’t really something that any of us can achieve. It is however ours, and that’s all that is necessary to make it right, regardless of haircuts and new shoes and clothes and cars and everything else…

… and for that I consider myself one lucky guy!

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