Daddy, Daddy, What Do You Do?

As you know I’ve been talking a lot recently about writing a kids book, so I came up with the idea to write about children asking about their Fathers careers, using a format similar to the “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, what do you see?” classic children’s book.  I thought it might be inspirational for kids to read about the things fathers do to earn a living.  Let me know what you think. The concept would go something like this:

Page 1:  Daddy, Daddy, what do you do? (turn page)

Page 2:  Daddy is a…………. You can be a……………. too!

Page 3:  Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?   Etc.

I’m looking for a talented illustrator for this project… I think it could be a hit!

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is an Astronaut.  I fly into space.  You can be an Astronaut too if you study hard and do well in school.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Firefighter.  I fight fires and help people who’s houses are burning or who are injured in an accident.  You can be a Firefighter too and save people’s lives.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Doctor.  I help people who are sick get better.  You can be a Doctor too and spend most of your time dealing with insurance company regulations and other government bullshit.  Then you’ll only have time to see your patients for about two minutes each visit.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Police Officer.  I help protect the public from people who want to do bad things, like drug dealers and rapists and murderers.  You can be a Police Officer too and get paid a shit salary even though you have to deal with crazy, armed, meth-soaked criminals and dirty crack-whores.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Politician.  I take people’s tax money and spend it on drugs and hookers.  When I am not doing that I try to pass legislation that fucks over the little people.  You can be a Politician too and make a difference by sucking the life out of your community.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Corporate Manager.  I sit in a cubicle all day and drink coffee and pretend to be productive.  You can be a Corporate Manager too if you just go to college.  Even if you party too much and smoke a lot of weed and your grades suck you can still get a high-level corporate job like your old man.  Any stupid-ass kid like you can get through college these days.  Then you just have to be able to kiss-ass a lot and sit through lots of meetings with other douchebags.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Line Worker.  I help assemble parts for my company and I do the same repetitive thing over and over thousands of times each day.  You can be a Line Worker too and have a hellish monotony of a life.  But you get to take lots of union breaks and sometimes you can even go to work falling down drunk. No one will care because the union has your back.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you?

Daddy is a Retail Store Manager.  I have to stock and sell merchandise and work all of the time, including the weekends.  I also have to manage a bunch of low-life employees that don’t show up to work and I have to deal with customers that are mostly just assholes.  You can be a Retail Store Manager too and get paid minimum wage if you just have no motivation to do anything better with your life.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Salesperson.  I travel around and try to sell widgets to companies that don’t really need them.  Mostly I just hand out free promotional crap to self-serving, prick customers that want nothing other than to beat me down on price.  You can be a Salesperson too and live in flea-bag hotels all the time and someday maybe even bring bed-bugs home.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Professional Athlete.  I play a game and they pay me more money than you’ll ever see in your crap life.  Because I have so much money I can have crazy, random sex with women other than your Mom and get lots of DUI’s and no one really cares.  You can be a Professional Athlete too, just start shooting steroids into your ass right away.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Realtor.  That means people pay me to help them sell their house for much less than they paid for it. Then they have to go live in a homeless shelter.  You can be a Realtor too and then you will have to go live in a homeless shelter because the economy and the housing market has been in the shit-can for almost ten years and it isn’t coming back anytime soon.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is a Writer.  I write books.  A couple of my books were published a few years back but immediately ended up in the remainder sale at Barnes & Noble at 90% off.  Mostly Daddy just writes books that no one wants to publish or read.  You can be a Writer too if you go to college and get a worthless degree in literature.  Then you can also be a Bartender and serve drinks all night in a smoke-filled bar to alcoholics.  If you’re lucky you might even be able to afford to pay your rent.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is an Accountant.  I help people pay their taxes.  I also help people hide their money from the IRS because the U.S. tax system is so incredibly fucked up.   You can be an Accountant too and mind-numbingly type on an adding machine all day and help people with audits until you want to kill yourself from sheer boredom.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is an Attorney.  I specialize in personal injury law. Sometimes people call me an Ambulance Chaser.  That’s why I have a big picture of my face on the back of the phone book, and all those ads on the TV during the day, when all the injured people are at home waiting for their disability checks. You can be an Attorney too, you just have to go to any law school, even if it’s one in Nicaragua.

Daddy, Daddy, what do you do?

Daddy is unemployed because the corporation I worked for over the last 30 years laid me off and threw me out in the street two years ago.  That’s why Daddy drinks too much and sits home watching internet-porn while Mommy has to work at Wal-Mart in the middle of the night.

See, there’s lot of exciting things you can do to earn a living when you grow up.  Then you can retire and live in a nursing home.

THE END

Want to Read the Mommy version?  Click here!

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25 Comments

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25 responses to “Daddy, Daddy, What Do You Do?

  1. You forgot rock/movie star and TV reality show producer. I can only imagine what the illustrations will look like…

  2. bigsheepcommunications

    I think this book should end with “Daddy, Daddy, why are you crying?” and you’ll need a sequel: Mommy, Mommy, What Do You Do?

  3. Cheryl Andrews

    And don’t forget, “Daddy is a Handyman …” I love the concept and the pages you’ve already put together here. I hope you find that illustrator cause I think you’re on a roll. Che

  4. I love the idea! But it could be cool to add in things mommy does too. Books pushing against gender roles are HOT on the presses these days, and if you were to mix and match those great ideas with things mommy does too, it’d be pretty highly (coveted? marketable? – You know when a word is on the tip of your tongue but you can’t remember it to save your life?! If I remember the correct phrase, I’ll reply with it later, lol).

    Oh, and my offer for illustrating still stands 😀 I’m definitely better with animals than people, but I could sketch up some stuff as an application for the job! 😉

    • Yeah sounds like I might have to write a “Mommy, Mommy, what do you do?” post. Then you can illustrate them and we can get them published and call the series “Kid’s books that should never be published!”

  5. So, I guess being an astronaut or a firefighter is the best career? LOL.

    I would add teacher in there too…how about car salesman?

    Wendy

    • Astronaut and Firefighter… those were just there to lead everyone on a little. I’ve know a few firefighters and I can only imagine what they say about their jobs. Never known an Astronaut. I almost had a teacher page in there but there are a lot of teachers that hang around wordpress… and you know I had to be careful about offending anyone. 🙂

  6. What about the employees at the airport who are scanning everyone? Oooops – no perhaps best reserve that for the adult version of the book! Actually, I think you’ve not only got a children’s book, but a darn good lot of comedy sketches for a live TV show!

  7. I know I said it before, but I need to reiterate it in a non-sarcastic way.

    PUBLISH THIS BOOK.

    Seriously.

  8. love it Steve, i wish i could write like you, talking about handyman there you are below 🙂

    http://harrythehandyman.wordpress.com/

  9. The world needs this book. Never once in all the years of being asked what my dad did for a living did I answer correctly.

  10. Once again…that was awesome…thought it was serious at first, then I got the good ole Steve that I love to read!

  11. Steve, this is my first visit & I love this post….I love the sensitivity and I can really tell you put your heart into it ;). My husband always tells my daughter that he pushes rocks for a living…He is a Financial Advisor. I think I’ll direct him here for a better description……

    Is the kids book published yet? I want to buy it!

  12. Hilarious! So sad that dreams can amount to real life. I work with attorneys and agents. Right now I think they are part of the same bull shit clan.
    Xx

  13. Pingback: Stories with Mr. Steve | The Brown Road Chronicles

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