Tag Archives: brown road

BOOBS

Ring, ring

WP: Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME: Thank you for taking my call, I am terribly concerned, I think I might be developing BOOBS.

Click

Ring, ring

WP: Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie, how can I help you today?

ME: Hi, I just called a second ago, I think we got disconnected.

WP: Okay sir, how can I help you today?

ME: I think I’m developing BOOBS.

WP: This isn’t funny sir… is there something I can help you with?

ME: Have you seen my blog, Brown Road Chronicles?

WP: I am sorry sir, no I haven’t. WordPress has over 300,000 blogs, I can’t read all of them.

ME: It’s a great blog… about country living and other funny stuff.

WP: I am sure it is… Is there something I can assist you with today… besides your BOOBS?

ME: I think my blog is broken.

WP: You think your blog is broken?

ME: Yes, it doesn’t appear to be working properly… and I think I am developing BOOBS.

WP: Sir, please stop that or I will hang up! Can you give me some details about what doesn’t seem to be working properly.

ME: Well, it’s not tracking visitors like it should be.

WP: You mean on your stats page?

ME: Yes, yes, exactly, on the stats page. It’s not tracking visitors correctly.

WP: What makes you think it is not tracking visitors correctly?

ME: Well, I’ve checked my stats page 846 times today and it’s only showing 11 hits. I’ve been getting 60-90 hits per day.

WP: Well sir, some days are better than others, maybe it’s just a slow day.

ME: No, it can’t be a slow day, I wrote a story about Macaroni and Cheese yesterday. It was funny and I thought it would generate lots of hits today.

WP: Well sir, some days your subscribers just get busy and they don’t have the time that day to visit and read your blog… and maybe it just wasn’t as funny as you thought.

ME: No, no that’s not it… my subscribers all visited, I don’t have very many of those but it looks like they’ve all been hanging around because they’ve left comments. But I’m not getting all those extra hits that I usually get. You know, from the people that don’t leave comments.

WP: Well, sir, have you written anything new today?

ME: Can you excuse me just a second, the light on my phone is blinking. I may have some comments to read.

WP: Uh… okay?

A few minutes later

ME: Hi, I am back, sorry it was just some spam about one of those… you know… male enhancement medicines. Have you read my post about Cialis?

WP: No, I haven’t.  Now where… where were we? Oh yes, have you written anything new today?

ME: No, not yet.

WP: Well, maybe you need to write something new and post it today. One of the five ways of increasing blog readership is to write and post valuable content frequently.

ME: But I don’t have anything interesting or valuable to write today. I’ve only been at this for a month and I’m already running out of good ideas.

WP: Okay, well that happens sometimes. Have you read anyone else’s blog and left comments on their pages.

ME: No, I haven’t had time to do that today. I’ve been too busy checking my stats page.

WP: Well, maybe you just need to take a few days off and not write anything and don’t worry about your stats. I think it’s tracking properly though, I think today’s just a slow day and I am sorry that you’ve only had 11 visitors.

ME: No, I think it must be broken. My stories are really good!

WP: Yes, I am sure they are. Most bloggers think their stories are really good. Most bloggers have this delusion that they are going to be famous authors someday, when in reality the majority will just disappear eventually. I am sorry that you only have 11 hits today but I am confident that your site is not broken.

ME: But I’ve been getting 60-90 hits a day, I even got 95 one day when I wrote about my guitar and I got 91 one day when I wrote about getting Freshly Pressed.

WP: Yes, I understand, sir, but I still don’t think anything is wrong with your site.

ME: Well… can you log onto the site and see if anything looks out of place.

WP: Sir… I am sure nothing is out of place but I will take a look.

5 minutes later

WP: Hello, are you still there?

ME: Yes, I am still here. I checked my stats page 27 times while you had me on hold and I still only have 11 visitors. And I think I might be developing BOOBS.

WP: Sir, I don’t know what you are talking about with your BOOBS. But I checked the site and nothing was amiss. But I am concerned that you might be developing OBD.

ME: OBD, what is that?

WP: OBD is Obsessive Blogging Disorder. It is characterized by excessive-compulsive blogging activities like writing articles when you don’t have anything interesting to write about and constantly checking your blog stats to see how many people visited your site.

ME: Oh my, that sounds frightening, do you think I am checking it too often? I just looked at it 12 times while you were talking. Do you think I have, uh, what did you call it OBD?

WP: Yes, it sounds like you may have the onset of OBD.

ME: You think I have the onset of OBD? I think I am developing BOOBS. What can I do about this?

WP: Sir, this is not funny, stop talking about your BOOBS.

ME: Oh, sorry… I am not talking about MY boobs. BOOBS is just an acronym I made up for Badly Obsessing Over Blog Statistics. I think I am developing BOOBS.

WP: You are not developing BOOBS sir, but you are at high risk for OBD.

ME: Is there something I can do about it?

WP: Well, at present there doesn’t seem to be any cure. We recommend you just keep blogging. In fact, here at WordPress, we’ve instituted a post-a-day competition to try to help people work through the OBD condition.

ME: Oh, well maybe I could do that.

WP: But sir, you just told me you didn’t have anything interesting to write about today.

ME: Well I don’t really.

WP: So how are you going to post something today?

ME: Well, I don’t know… maybe I could post something about Obsessive Blogging Disorder or about me developing BOOBS.

WP: Sir, seriously! Stop it with the BOOBS! I think that it would be a good idea for you to start writing something. If you start typing it might help you be less concerned about your stats. Is there anything else I can help you with?

ME: No, thank you so much! You have been a big help… but now I need to get started writing.  Have a good day.

WP: You too and thank you for calling WordPress. Goodbye.

Click

ME: Okay, how do I get started… let’s see… oh, I know…

Begin typing…

Ring, ring

WP: Hello, WordPress technical support, this is Julie how can I help you today…………

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Our Ghost Story

Do you believe in ghosts?  Here’s our ghost story…

Is this house haunted?

We’ve lived in our old 1890’s farmhouse for just over 15 years.  We moved in December of 1995 and started making the place our own.  One fall evening, about a month before our closing, my wife Kim drove down to our future home and met with the wife of the couple that was selling the house to us.  She wanted to show Kim some of the quirky (but also functionally important) things about the house;  where the main water shut-off was located, how the old cast-iron radiators had to be bled in the winter, how the side entrance door (which is the primary entrance) had a tricky bolt lock, the name and phone number of the olde-tymer that serviced the boiler, and numerous other old-house peculiarities she thought we should know.  As they were wrapping up the hour or so long tour, my wife, somewhat jokingly, but also with a touch of inquisitive curiousity, asked, “so, is the place haunted?”  She was then told the story about Maggie.

According to our seller, when they had first moved in, just a few short years before, they experienced several ghostly incidences and in turn decided to give their ghost a name.  Maggie, they would call her.  Shortly after their arrival, they began renovating several rooms of the house, nothing significant, mostly fresh paint and new wallpaper.  During one incident, with no one in close proximity, a full can of paint went tumbling off the top of a ladder as they were repainting the dining room… freaky for sure, but possibly explainable.  In a more significant encounter, the wife claimed that one night as she was sitting in the three season porch, she looked over, through the dining room to a small ice cream style table that they had in the kitchen.  There, at the table, sat a woman in an early 1900’s black dress and her hair in a bun.  When she turned her head then looked back, the woman was gone.  She witnessed this woman a second time, late one night, when she awoke from a deep sleep and saw her standing at the end of her bed.  Again the visitor vanished after a few moments.

My wife Kim took these stories with a grain of salt, left for the evening, arrived home and told me about Maggie.   Being reasonable folks, we weren’t going to let a ghost story affect the sale of the house we had fallen in love with.  The sale progressed over the next month and we moved in just before Christmas of 1995.  A few days after carrying our furniture and our boxed-up life into our new home we took the five-minute drive over to the neighboring Christmas tree farm, cut down a Christmas tree and began making our own memories.

For the record, I don’t really believe in ghosts.  I just think that if they were really spending time with us we’d have more evidence of their existence.  But somewhere deep inside my psyche is a sliver of belief.  I’m not sure why… I guess I kind of want to believe in ghosts.  I find the prospect of it fascinating.  I think the historical significance of ghosts makes for great stories.  I’m a huge fan of the hit TV show Ghost Hunters.  But in reality, I’m mostly a non-believer.  And also for the record, we have never seen or met Maggie.  Have we had some ghostly experiences?  Sure, most old house owners do.  I think that’s a function of houses that settle, that have leaky windows that make ghoulish sounds as the wind sneaks through the cracks and that have older electrical systems.

Early on we had a light in a downstairs bathroom that would turn on by its self.  One morning, after witnessing the light go on as I sat in the adjacent room, I went into the bathroom, neck-hair standing straight up, and discovered the old light switch was just loose and if it wasn’t pushed down completely when the light was turned off, a few minutes later it would pop back up and voila… the light would go on.  One evening as were getting ready to head upstairs for bed, as I approached the stairs I saw the perfectly shaped shadow of a man’s head on the opposite wall.  Yes, it stopped me in my tracks and raised my hackles!  But after a little investigation we found the source, just a light reflecting off the mirror on the opposite wall and creating a shadow from some items sitting on our dining room table.  Even this past Friday, New Years Eve, as I sat at that same dining room table, working on my recent blog posts, I clearly heard my first name spoken in what I swore was my wife’s voice.  But my wife was at work on that Friday.  “Is Kim home early”, I thought, trying not to be totally freaked out.  I called to my daughter who was in the kitchen and asked, “Madeline is Mom there?  I swear I just heard her say my name.”  “No”, she said, and then proceeded to tell me she thought she had heard HER name in that same area just a week or so earlier, in a kind of quiet, hushed voice.  CREEPY!!!  Do I have an explanation for those events?  No, I guess I don’t, but when I heard what I thought was my name, my son and one of his friends were running around just upstairs.  It could have been anything, a noise they made, a sound from their active playing.  Same with Madeline’s experience, not enough evidence that it was a real paranormal event.  Spooky… yes, paranormal… probably not!

However, if there is a Maggie, we have decided that she must be okay with us living here and is, for now, happy to keep to herself.  She apparently must be satisfied with us as the current caretakers of her house old farmhouse on Brown Road.  We have since done some major renovations to the house (a common ghost aggravator) but still have not met or seen our theoretical guest.  That makes us feel better about the possibility of having another resident amongst us.  And if it turns out there really is a Maggie, I think I know who she is.

One other significant tidbit of information we discovered from the sellers is that they had heard that our house had at one time, back in the late 1890’s and early 1900’s, operated as a Post Office for the few local residents in the area, at the time known as the Mint District due to the local farming and production of mint flavoring.  Several years ago I began to do some research on the history of our home and discovered that the Post Office story was true.  From the book Water Over the Dam, a history of Vicksburg, Michigan, published in 1972 by the Vicksburg historical society, I found the following excerpt:

At about this time (1891) a post office was established in the Mint district (there were five mint stills in the area), through the single-handed efforts of Mrs. Abner Yorton, (maiden name Abbie Hill) daughter of Cornelius Hill, mother of Mrs.  Mabel Godshalk.  Mrs. Yorton, the busy mother of five children, grew tired of driving to Vicksburg twice a week to pick up mail for herself and neighbors.  She contacted the Post Master General who told her if one letter a day was mailed from her area for a period of six months, the government would establish a post office there.  As Mrs. Yorton’s husband was a traveling salesman who traveled throughout the United States, she wrote him a letter every day for the six months, drove into Vicksburg and saw that it was properly postmarked.  The post office was established on June 30, 1890.

Having this information in hand, with names to boot, I was able to track down more details about this family, whom as best as I can tell, were the original owners of our home, and ultimately came upon the photo below which was given to me by a distant relative who had posted some of the family history on a genealogy website. 

Apparently the Hill Family was prominent in our rural area during this time period and many members of the family and their relatives are buried in the small cemetery just ½ mile or so up the road from us, including the baby in the center of the photo who died as an infant (thus the mention of only five children above).  The older man in the photo (3rd from the right) is Abner Yorton, the salesman mentioned in Water on the Dam.  The older woman (3rd from the left) is Abbie Hill… in her early 1900’s black dress and with her hair in a bun.  Is Abbie Hill our Maggie?  Is there a reason she is possibly still lingering about our house?

For now, I’ll assume that Maggie is nothing but a far-fetched ghost story and that Abbie Hill is currently “resting in peace” in her final burial place.  If the time comes though, when Maggie decides to introduce herself to us… well, that will make for one hell of a blog post!

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The Hangover…

Today is going to be a good day…

The reason today is going to be a good day? Yesterday (Thursday) I woke up with a nasty hangover, you know, the kind where you just want to die. I hauled myself out of bed, walked to the shower, walked back to the bed and laid back down for just a couple minutes.

“Get your ass up, you can’t go back to bed you know” said the little Devil conscience guy that was standing on my right shoulder.

“You know you shouldn’t have had so many glasses of wine” said the little angel conscience guy on my left shoulder.

“C’mon you sissy, just get in the shower, you’ll be fine” said the little devil guy.

“You know you shouldn’t have had that last drink… or five” said the little angel guy.

“Get up you nancy-boy, you have to drive the kids to school in 30 minutes” said the little devil guy.

“Don’t ever do that again” said the little angel guy.

Yeah, I know, I thought, I’ll never do that again! How many times have we all said that? Thankfully it doesn’t happen that much anymore. So, I hauled myself back out of bed, showered up, ate some breakfast, drank some coffee, got the kids in the car, drove them to school, and went to work and put in a full day. Not the most productive day by any stretch of the imagination, but a full day.

I don’t even have a good story to tell. I wasn’t at a bachelor party… c’mon, it was a Wednesday night! I wasn’t celebrating a birthday, anniversary, job promotion, salary raise, lottery win. None of that! I didn’t even have a partner in crime.

It was the great George Thorogood who sang:

I drink alone, yeah
With nobody else
I drink alone, yeah
With nobody else
You know when I drink alone
I prefer to be by myself

George of course was speaking of drinking much more manly stuff; Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Johnnie Walker, Old Grandad. Not the girly-man red wine that I saw swilling down… out of a box no less… but hey, we’ve all got our vices.

So here’s the story. I get home Wednesday night from work. My wife had a soccer game that evening and a night out with the team.  A friend of mine had posted a status update on his Facebook page about eating spaghetti and having a glass of wine for dinner. Ahhh, spaghetti, the most basic and wonderful of comfort foods!  I thought, man that sounds good, so I cooked up a big batch of spaghetti for myself and the kids, and poured myself a nice glass of wine. Then I fired up my laptop, signed onto https://brownroadchronicles.wordpress.com and started blogging. Yes, blogging, my new favorite time waster productive hobby. But the words just weren’t flowing. I couldn’t come up with a compelling post, so instead of writing, I started reading… and reading… and refilling… and reading… and refilling… and reading… and reading… and refilling… and there were so many interesting and funny blogs and posts and I was having so much fun that… well, you know… I kind of lost track of how many refills I had refilled! This went on until about 11:30 at night (the kids had long gone to bed) when I finally, through a fuzzy red wine cloud of thought, concluded it might be a good idea to go to bed.

So, I’m here to blame the following bloggers:

husbands4hire http://husbands4hire.wordpress.com;

walkswithstress http://walkswithstress.wordpress.com;

Edmonton Tourist: http://ragrobyn.wordpress.com;

Shit My Cake Says http://shitmycakesays.wordpress.com;

Writers Block http://bymyink.wordpress.com;

Girl on the Contrary; http://girlonthecontrary.wordpress.com;

and several more that I can’t quite remember… for welcoming me and being my first blog-world friends, for hanging out with me on Wednesday night and for having such fabulous and interesting and inspirational and humorous blogs…

… and for getting me drunk!

Thanks!!

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