My Un-Acceptance Speech

HOLY SHIT, this has been one freakin’ crazy-ass honorable week!  That’s all I can say about all of this recognition!

So, my friends, in the past week I have been nominated for NOT ONE… but TWO… yes, you heard that correctly… TWO… as in T… W… frickin’… O… blogging awards.  Now that is some serious head-expanding, ego-swelling, mind-numbing honor.

The first award nomination was from my blogging friend Clouded Marbles, and is called the Meme-Tastic Award.  It comes with this striking, awesomely cool graphic which appears to have been produced in some high-tech piece of graphic design software like “Adobe Kid-Paint” or something like that.

The other award nomination comes from my blogging friend Edmonton Tourist called the “Stylish Blogger Award” and comes with this rockin’ out graphic that appears to have been designed by a Velvet Elvis Poster artist.

Now… and I’ll be frank here… well, I don’t mean I’ll be Frank… I’m still Steve… well yeah, of course, you know that… I don’t actually know anyone named Frank… but I’ll be frank… meaning I’ll be honest… you know…frank…you know? What I’m getting at is, although I would not consider myself either Meme-Tastic or Stylish when it comes to blogging, apparently “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” After careful consideration and self-reflection, however, I have come to the conclusion that I am not worthy of these fine awards.  So here’s my un-acceptance speech.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Standing here at the podium tonight I am blessed and honored.  I am honored to have been so graciously nominated for these distinguished awards.  I am honored to be here amongst all of you enormously creative and talented bloggers.  I am honored to be considered not only Meme-Tastic, but Stylish.  It’s been a long-term goal of mine for the month and a half… yes, the entire month and a half… that I have been energetically working on this blog, to reach this level of success.  It’s a mountain I have been climbing.  It’s my blogging Mt. Everest.  Back in late December when I started actively writing these blog posts, I could never have imagined reaching this pinnacle of blogging stature.  I couldn’t have done it without all the loyal support around me.  I’d like to thank a few people that I think deserve mentioning.  To my beautiful wife who I love dearly… thank you for putting up with me… seriously… now THAT deserves some kind of award!  To my children who have inspired some of my best posts… thank you for being the wonders in my life and for keeping me grounded.  To my “inner-children” who continually inspire me to write about poop and sex and toilet jokes and who make me swear like a nasty bitch stripper in a two-bit run down titty bar… thank you, I couldn’t do this without you.  Of course, I can’t leave out all of my newfound blogging friends… thank you for accepting me into this crazy world we call the blog-o-sphere, for spilling your guts out to the world, for sharing personal stories about your kids and your families… stories that would probably get you ex-communicated from your homes if your families ever set eyes on your blogs.  Without your support I would only be writing hilariously funny posts and laughing to myself.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  But, my friends, I cannot accept these fine awards.  I am not worthy of these considerable honors.  Seriously, I am the new guy here.  I’m still just a wall-flower at the middle-school dance, afraid to step out of my shell and ask Suzy Smiley-Pants to dance with me.  It would be a slap-in-the-face to all the more deserving bloggers out there like walkswithstress and Sargastic Irrevalence.  So, with that being said, I thank you all for reading and enjoying my posts, but I must decline these awards… it’s right thing to do… the only thing to do… the proper response.  Thank you… and good night!

Whew… I am off the hook!

Now… just for kicks though, since these awards ask the nominees to tell a few interesting things about themselves. Here’s are five tidbits… four of these are true and one is not true… well, no, actually they are all true!

One:
I was born in Kalamazoo, Michigan.  Since then I have lived in:
Dearborn, Michigan (don’t really remember much about here)
Wixom, Michigan (through fourth grade)
St. James, New York (can you say “parachute pants”?)
Waterville, Maine (college, drunken stupor, etc.)
St. James, New York (round two… uh… yeah, Mom & Dad… I’m back)
North Reading, Massachusetts (in-laws house, unemployed, dating their daughter… and they still let me stay there!)
Brookline, Massachusetts (first place living-in-sin)
Cambridge, Massachusetts (second place living-in-sin until we got married)
Kalamazoo, Michigan (yes, sometimes life does go full-circle)
Vicksburg, Michigan (goats?)

Two:
I have two older brothers and my father, all of whom I adore dearly and who live too far away on the East Coast… enuf said!

Three:
I attended college at Colby College in Waterville, Maine.  It’s a really freakin’ good school and I still haven’t figured out how I got accepted there.  I suspect maybe my parents paid them off to finally get the last kid out of the house, even though the tuition was astronomical, even back in the 1980’s.  I squeaked through with a 2.7 GPA and with a Bachelor of Science degree in Biology and they gave me a diploma.  These days I don’t know a Mitochondria from a Mai-Tai but I did meet my wonderful wife at college so it was worth all of (my parents) money in the world.

Four:
I lost my Mom at age 60 to brain cancer back on October 20, 2002, after a seven-month battle with a Grade IV Glioblastoma Multiforme tumor.  I have to say, her death was probably the most significant event in my life up to this point and it changed me in ways that I am only just beginning to understand.

Five:
When I was a kid I wanted to be a zookeeper… lately I am starting to realize that dream… or is it a nightmare?

So, as my good ‘ol Uncle Jon likes to say, “there you have it, there it is.”

And to my friends walkswithstress and Sargastic Irrevalence.  I guess you have been indirectly nominated if you’re interested in playing along!

7 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Wadder or Folder?

“Are you a wadder or a folder?” Someone asked me that the other day. Not sure that is a question that should be discussed publicly but hey, I’m a pretty open-minded guy and I have to admit, the crowd grew and it developed into quite a conversation. I’ve talked about worse things, I suppose. “I’m a wadder”, I replied. He was a wadder too. There were several wadders in the group. There were some folders there too. There were even some wadders that I would have guessed were folders and even more interestingly, there were some folders, that I would have bet big money on them being wadders. I don’t think it’s ever been studied in-depth, but I would guess that folders tend to be organized folks, keeping all their stuff cataloged and in its proper place. Clean freaks too, always soaking themselves in Hand Sanitizer. Most bankers are probably folders. Accountants? Yeah they’re probably folders too. Brain surgeons and Rocket Scientists?… folders. Folders are probably people who like Origami. In fact, maybe they’re even practicing Origami when they’re folding. That’s why it takes them so fucking long. Wadders on the other hand are probably, more like me, creative types, disorganized, always looking for stuff, always feeling like they’re behind the eight ball with their lives. People that write blogs are probably wadders. Stand-up comics are probably wadders. Artists and writers and cartoonists? Yeah, most likely wadders. If folders like Origami than wadders probably enjoy finger painting… hopefully not while wadding.

I decided to do a little internet research, because, you know, everything you read on the internet is true. Plus I figured being a wadder or a folder was really just an opinion discussion, a way of life discussion, a personality trait discussion. There were no real facts to be concerned with or to validate here, no right or wrong, just the age-old question, “are you a wadder or a folder?” I discovered there is a lot of discussion about this whole phenomenon, so I was able to compile some valuable data. It seems people tend to have pretty strong beliefs and justifications about why they are wadders or folders. I did note that the people asking this question, on blogs and in forums, invariably ask with their preferred method first. For example, folders always ask, “are you a folder or a wadder”, while wadders will ask “are you a wadder or a folder?” I suspect that has something to do with humans being social creatures and wanting to subconsciously find people like themselves and justify their particular methods. In addition, I determined that apparently, there are not only wadders and folders, but there is a third group of people who identified themselves as wrappers. I’m not sure what careers would stand out in my mind as the types of people who are wrappers. Maybe they’re people who work at fast food restaurants and wrap burgers all day. I’m not even sure what it means to be a wrapper. I think maybe some wrappers are folders and they just don’t know that they are really just folding. I also discovered that there are people that are folders then wadders and that there are others that are folders then re-folders. That was a little disturbing to me, but I guess those people are what we call “green” and are trying to save resources. There was also someone who mentioned being a scruncher. I’m not entirely sure but I think a scruncher is just a wadder that resides in another country. Finally, I came across this particular quote which discusses the differences between the genders:

“Invariably, when I am presumptuous enough to inquire, women tell me they are wadders when scraping off, as opposed to being folders. Are you kidding me??? Wadding seems a very messy enterprise. Count me out. Of course, they probably have clean break offs, being females. I have malingerers, detritus. I need folding. It’s an engineering thing, I guess. It’s all about the coefficient of friction. Eight squares, perfectly folded. Twicet at times, thricet at times.”

Fascinating! I’ve never heard of “scraping off” and I’m not sure if “malingerers” is even a real word… but apparently Engineers are folders too. That would make sense… but this particular fellow seems to be a talented writer, with a strong vocabulary and a solid grasp of the English language as well. So, although he claims to be a folder, I wonder if maybe, just maybe, he is really a closet wadder. I don’t know…

In any case, whether you’re a wadder or a folder or a wrapper… or perhaps even a scruncher… I’m not really terribly interested in getting an in-box full of comments letting me know which you are. ‘Cause that’s some shit that I just can’t deal with right now!

This lady? Yeah, a folder!

14 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Handyman

Look, I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never been very good at the whole romance part of a relationship. It’s not that I’m not a good, loyal, loving husband and a caring, dedicated, involved father. It’s just that I’ve never been very good at the whole flowers and jewelry and wine and dine and “sweep her off her feet” routine. Sure, I can pull it off occasionally but it’s just not necessarily my thing… okay, there I said it! On the other hand, where I do excel is being handy. I am handy around the house. I can fix things, I can build stuff, I can install doors and floors and lay ceramic tile in the bathrooms. I’m not as handy as some guys, and I don’t have any training in any of these skills – I just figure it out as I go along, but somehow it always seems to work out okay. I also know when a project is over my head, beyond my skill level and when it’s time to call a professional in to get the job done quickly and efficiently and accurately, but I figure I have saved us literally thousands of dollars over the years by being too cheap to just pick up the phone and call someone.

Sometimes I wish my handiness could somehow be translated into my, you know… what’s the word… uh… romantic… ness. Because you know what?  Frankly, tools CAN BE SEXY!

James Taylor said it best in his song Handyman:

“Hey girls, gather ‘round
Listen to what I’m putting down
Hey baby, I’m your handyman”

So, all you guys out there, you know that Valentine’s Day is just around the corner? Yeah, seriously, it’s about a week away, don’t fuck it up again this year. Here’s my plan… c’mon, follow along… I think this will work.

ME:  Hey baby, I got you something for Valentine’s Day.

HER:  Oh, that’s so sweet!  Wow, it’s heavy!

ME:  Yeah, it’s packed full of love baby, I think you’ll like it!

HER: Opens gift.  Oh, what is it… it looks like a toolbox?

ME:  Yeah baby, it’s a toolbox just for you.

HER:  Uh… why’d you get me a toolbox?

ME: Well, I’m trying to translate my skills at being handy into my… you know… romanticism… isn’t that sweet?  See, open it up… all these tools inside… you know… tools can be SEXY and ROMANTIC.  Like these nails… you know… ’cause you’re the nails that hold my life together… and these pliers… ’cause I’ll always hold you tight, baby, ’cause you’ve got a vice grip on my heart… and this planer here… that’s so whenever you are having a rough day… I’ll be there to help take the edge off… cool, huh?

HER:  Uh… seriously… you got me a toolbox?

ME:  Yeah baby,  check it out… see this hammer… ’cause, like I know sometimes I’m hard-headed and make you want to pull your nails out, but I really do love you more than anything… isn’t that awesome?  Let’s see what else is in here…. how about this level… ’cause I’m so level-headed… you know… isn’t that cool?  You always level with me and I’ll always level with you.  HOT huh?  And look, here’s a measuring tape… what do you think that means?

HER:  Uh… I can only imagine… something to do with the length of your… oh nevermind…

ME:  Ha Ha… no baby… seriously… it’s like… let’s go the distance… like I’m totally committed… isn’t that sexy baby?

HER:  I’m starting to think you need to be committed… like to a mental health ward!

ME: Awww, c’mon baby… check this out… look at this saw… you know… the first tiiimmmme…. ever I saaaaaaw yoouurr faaace… HOT huh?  That’s Roberta Flack baby.

HER:  Giggling.  Yeah, I know that song…

ME:  Yeah baby, I knew you’d like this stuff… check out this hacksaw here… ’cause you look so sharp, you could cut through metal… like BUTTA!

HER:  You’re such a dork!

ME:  Baby, you’re so hot when you’re being cynical!

HER:  Pulling out another tool.   What’s this?

ME:  Baby… that’s a chisel… for carving out my six-pack abs… for you baby! How SMOKIN’ HOT is that?

HER:  laughing  I don’t think it’s working… maybe the chisel isn’t sharp enough!

ME:  Yeah, I know… it’s the thought though right?  Hey check out this wrench, baby… what do you think it means?

HER:  I don’t know… you’d better not make any snide comments about me being a wench.

ME:  Ha ha… no baby, it’s like… hey if you keep my nuts and bolts adjusted… we’ll always have a tight, solid, stable relationship.

HER:  Uh… seriously… did you really just say that?

ME:  Yeah… isn’t that HOT… and this ratchet set here… ’cause you can turn me on in even the tiniest of spaces.

HER:  Ugh!

ME:  Yeah, I know, that’s totally HOT baby, right?

HER:  Reaches in and pulls out another tool.   What’s this for?

ME: That’s a wood rasp baby… ’cause sometimes it’s better rough and sometimes it’s better smooth… yeah baby… WOO HOO… isn’t that totally HOT baby?

HER: How about this screwdriver… let me guess… ’cause you like to screw?

ME:  WOW, that is SO TOTALLY AWESOME!! See, you’re starting to get the hang of it… man, I knew you’d love this gift!

HER: Uh, yeah, well it is different…

ME:  Yeah I know it totally rocks doesn’t it?  Tools are totally sexy, right?

HER: Um… well… yeah…uh… sure… sexy… what’s this drill for?

ME:  C’mon, baby… you can guess… what do think it’s for?

HER:  Giggling.  I know… if I show you my bits… you have to show me your drill?

ME:  ROCK ON DUDE!  Yeah, totally awesome, that was so FREAKIN’ HOT… I love you MAN!

HER:  Okay, you’re right… that’s was a pretty cool gift… I suppose we should go have sex or something now?

ME:  Yeah baby, wow, that’s so HOT… but, hey I have a better idea…

HER:  And what would that be?

ME:  C’mon, baby, grab the car keys… Home Depot is having a sale on power tools… now THAT’S  HOT!!!

Hope you all have a “constructive”  Valentine’s Day!

11 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Remember when…

I live in an old house. I guess that’s pretty clear by now if you have been following along. Old houses are not the pillars of efficiency when it comes to staying warm in the winter and cool in the summer. The work we have done on our place over the years has helped, with many newer windows and some fresh insulation but there’s plenty more that could be done on “the list”  some of which may or may not ever be completed.

Our old house is heated with oil and if you’ve ever purchased a tank full of heating oil, you know it can be very expensive. Not that the other common heating fuels around these parts, natural gas and propane, are much better, but heating oil tends to be on the higher end. But I’m not here to discuss the pros and cons of oil vs. other heating fuels. In fact, I have this sort of “old house romance” with the idea of these heating oil guys that have been servicing this old house for decades (no, let’s get this straight… not with the actual guys… just the idea of the same company servicing this place for so long). The day we moved in, we found a nice note on the kitchen counter from the oil company, saying something to the effect of, “we have serviced this house since 19–, here’s our phone number.”  Of course, sitting next to the note was the obligatory oil-company promotional calendar with a different scenic nature photograph displayed for each month.  Sure, they were protecting their business, and the calendar reminded me of the stuff we used to see lying around my grandmother’s old house before she passed away.  But it was good customer service, and now it’s become part of the history here and I like that, even though it may not be the least expensive way to stay warm.

Let’s just say, in the winter, we burn a lot of oil. In our basement, there is a big old boiler (circa 1950’s or 60’s we think) that burns the oil and heats up the water, and industrial looking pumps that move the hot water through old cast iron radiators dispersed throughout the house. Upon my first viewing of this boiler it was a frightening octopus of a monstrosity that sits in the middle of our basement, and a beast that I feared I would never understand. But I’ve since learned to work with it, understand its operation, and enjoy it as one of the quirky remnants of folks that have lived here as caretakers before us.  When servicing time comes around there is an old-timer that we call, an oil-soaked guy with black fingernails and the permanent stench of petroleum on his clothes who comes in and does the yearly maintenance. You can tell he enjoys working on it, a past relic from his generation and not one of these new-fangled, super-efficient pieces of machinery that are in most homes these days.  In 16 years, the old boiler has never failed us (knock-on-wood)…

Each room of the house has a cast iron radiator sitting in a corner or up against one of the walls. I love old radiators!  Ours aren’t particularly ornamental, but they are quite functional and now that I have lived with them for some time, I am not sure I could ever live in a house that doesn’t have them.  Many people find them burdensome, space wasters, but not me. I appreciate their durability, I adore their architecture and I especially enjoy the heat that they provide.  During the cold, wet winter months, the radiator in our kitchen has a perpetual stack of hats and gloves and mittens stacked on top drying out for the next day’s use, and piles of boots laying on the floor in front, with muddy, melting snow dripping off the treads. Radiators, though, are a complex species and getting them all to heat at a consistent proper temperature seems to be an impossible task of adjusting and readjusting the amount of water flowing through their pipes and each winter, after they have been closed down for the warmer months, the process begins again. Although we manage to keep the lower floor rooms at a mostly comfortable 65-67 degree temperature in the winter, the upstairs, where the bedrooms are, tends to always be cold.  To get the upstairs radiators to really fire up and stay consistently warm means the downstairs is too hot and with the cost of oil through the roof, we choose not to burn it excessively.  So the bedrooms can be a tad cold, but folks always say, its good for sleeping when the air is cool.  Our motto here… if you’re cold, put on a sweatshirt or wrap up in a blanket!

The other night the Midwest and a good portion of the US, was socked with a major winter storm that brought blizzard conditions and significant snowfall.  Our area received somewhere in the neighborhood of 12-16 inches of snow and schools were closed for two days, while the plows dug everyone out.  During the first evening, when the snow began to fall and the winds started whipping up, our power was knocked out, leaving us in the dark with no electricity and no water as our house is served by a well. In typical pioneer spirit we fired up the wood stove, lit some candles and prepared for what we thought would be a night without lights, without television, without video games, and a night spent sleeping around the warmth of the fire in the stove.  Thankfully our power was restored after only about an hour or two, but when we went upstairs for bed that evening, knowing we would all be home, snowed-in the next day, our son’s room was very cold from the heat being off for even just that short time.  We got him and his sister into bed, warm jammies on, and covered in their huge piles of blankets.  My wife and I then went to bed and as we were sitting their chatting before the lights went off, she laughingly said to me, “do you think they’ll remember it, when they’re older, how it was always cold upstairs?” “They’ll say to their friends or their own kids, remember when Mom and Dad were too cheap and never wanted to use the heat so we had to have piles and piles of blankets on our beds to keep warm.”  Thinking back to the obscure things that I remember from my childhood, it made me chuckle and I said that yes, I was sure they would remember it!

I thought about that brief moment the next morning, and although it was just a passing comment during a bedtime conversation, it struck me as one of the first times she and I were talking about a time, which in reality is just around the corner, when the kids will be grown up and moved out and on their own.  Do we still have several years with them around?  Yeah, sure, but those years are passing so quickly, and at least in my daughters case, being thirteen and off to college in just over five years, it’s closer than I can really comprehend. That’s an emotion that I can’t quite grasp my hands around, spending all these years, raising our children to be adults, proudly following their every move and then one day sending them out into the world to spread their wings and be out on their own.  It’s a time that I look forward to with proud anticipation and a time that I am hesitant to think about and that brings tears to my eyes.

For now, I can’t really contemplate those days.  There are too many important milestones to savor in the present.  In the meantime, I am happy that they still want me to tuck them in at night, in their cold rooms and under their piles of blankets.

14 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized