Wadder or Folder?

“Are you a wadder or a folder?” Someone asked me that the other day. Not sure that is a question that should be discussed publicly but hey, I’m a pretty open-minded guy and I have to admit, the crowd grew and it developed into quite a conversation. I’ve talked about worse things, I suppose. “I’m a wadder”, I replied. He was a wadder too. There were several wadders in the group. There were some folders there too. There were even some wadders that I would have guessed were folders and even more interestingly, there were some folders, that I would have bet big money on them being wadders. I don’t think it’s ever been studied in-depth, but I would guess that folders tend to be organized folks, keeping all their stuff cataloged and in its proper place. Clean freaks too, always soaking themselves in Hand Sanitizer. Most bankers are probably folders. Accountants? Yeah they’re probably folders too. Brain surgeons and Rocket Scientists?… folders. Folders are probably people who like Origami. In fact, maybe they’re even practicing Origami when they’re folding. That’s why it takes them so fucking long. Wadders on the other hand are probably, more like me, creative types, disorganized, always looking for stuff, always feeling like they’re behind the eight ball with their lives. People that write blogs are probably wadders. Stand-up comics are probably wadders. Artists and writers and cartoonists? Yeah, most likely wadders. If folders like Origami than wadders probably enjoy finger painting… hopefully not while wadding.

I decided to do a little internet research, because, you know, everything you read on the internet is true. Plus I figured being a wadder or a folder was really just an opinion discussion, a way of life discussion, a personality trait discussion. There were no real facts to be concerned with or to validate here, no right or wrong, just the age-old question, “are you a wadder or a folder?” I discovered there is a lot of discussion about this whole phenomenon, so I was able to compile some valuable data. It seems people tend to have pretty strong beliefs and justifications about why they are wadders or folders. I did note that the people asking this question, on blogs and in forums, invariably ask with their preferred method first. For example, folders always ask, “are you a folder or a wadder”, while wadders will ask “are you a wadder or a folder?” I suspect that has something to do with humans being social creatures and wanting to subconsciously find people like themselves and justify their particular methods. In addition, I determined that apparently, there are not only wadders and folders, but there is a third group of people who identified themselves as wrappers. I’m not sure what careers would stand out in my mind as the types of people who are wrappers. Maybe they’re people who work at fast food restaurants and wrap burgers all day. I’m not even sure what it means to be a wrapper. I think maybe some wrappers are folders and they just don’t know that they are really just folding. I also discovered that there are people that are folders then wadders and that there are others that are folders then re-folders. That was a little disturbing to me, but I guess those people are what we call “green” and are trying to save resources. There was also someone who mentioned being a scruncher. I’m not entirely sure but I think a scruncher is just a wadder that resides in another country. Finally, I came across this particular quote which discusses the differences between the genders:

“Invariably, when I am presumptuous enough to inquire, women tell me they are wadders when scraping off, as opposed to being folders. Are you kidding me??? Wadding seems a very messy enterprise. Count me out. Of course, they probably have clean break offs, being females. I have malingerers, detritus. I need folding. It’s an engineering thing, I guess. It’s all about the coefficient of friction. Eight squares, perfectly folded. Twicet at times, thricet at times.”

Fascinating! I’ve never heard of “scraping off” and I’m not sure if “malingerers” is even a real word… but apparently Engineers are folders too. That would make sense… but this particular fellow seems to be a talented writer, with a strong vocabulary and a solid grasp of the English language as well. So, although he claims to be a folder, I wonder if maybe, just maybe, he is really a closet wadder. I don’t know…

In any case, whether you’re a wadder or a folder or a wrapper… or perhaps even a scruncher… I’m not really terribly interested in getting an in-box full of comments letting me know which you are. ‘Cause that’s some shit that I just can’t deal with right now!

This lady? Yeah, a folder!

Advertisements

14 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

14 responses to “Wadder or Folder?

  1. Hey Brown Road, I nominated you for most “Stylish Blogger”. See my latest post for your 15 seconds of fame!
    The Origami TP made me do it 😉
    xx

  2. You really could go into more detail you know….. like do you look at the folded or waded paper afterwards?
    Must be honest- Until 3 quarters through, I thought that you cant possibly be talking about wiping yoru bum. Haha. No one has ever asked me what i do with the toilet paper? Ever.
    Haha.
    xx

  3. Cheryl Andrews

    I’m neither a wadder nor a folder. I’m a ROLLER. That said, the occasional slip into wadder world does give me an immense surge of pleasure. Female folders are folders by duty and upbringing. It’s what mothers teach female children to be in order to be accepted in the greater order of all things female. Mothers let their bloody little boys have all the joy and freedom to be wadders to their hearts content. I’m a roller because I travel a lot and that’s the only way to pack a suitcase without wrinkles at the other end. And being a roller is great for little spaces, like my cottage where the linen cupboard is one shelf. The quirky part of being a roller, is it begins as folder and schizo’s to roller part way through. Hubby (accountant) is a folder only when packing a suitcase, but he is unique in that he folds shirts and pants into the bag still on hangers so he can win when we unpack. Just call me ‘Eve’. PS: Love your blog!

    • Thanks for visiting. That’s a funny analogy… I don’t travel that often, but probably a half dozen times a year. When I pack a suitcase I am definitely a folder and a roller. All my shirts get folded up nice and neat and I roll up t-shirts, underwear, socks into tight little rolls and stuff them in all the unfilled spaces, in suitcase corners, inside shoes, etc. Now… when re-packing for the return trip home, yeah, back to being a wadder! Just chuck it all in there and hope it still fits!

      • Cheryl Andrews

        Aha! Something in common. I’m a chucker and a jammer on the return trip too … and IF it’s been a real good trip, then I know nothing in there is gonna fit.

  4. Great topic…lol…really funny once I figured out what it was!

  5. I thought you were talking about kleenex or paper at first. Hell, I always wad napkins. But in regards to TP, well, there’s a much better reason to be a wader than a folder.

    Folding does NOT increase your surface area. I know that folders would like to THINK that, but they’re only misleading themselves. If you could expand a wadded piece of toilet paper to expose the total surface area available for wiping, you’d quickly see that it far exceeds the tiny amount made available by those foolish and irresponsible stink-fingered folders. After looking closer at this, I think the inevitable conclusion is that folders are anal retentive to begin with. This naturally makes them constipated and increases the amount of thermal radiation stored in their ejecta. When they “make” the heat from the scat creates a natural pressure wave, forcing their buns apart and keeping them from contact and contamination. As a result, folders can get away with folding not because folding is a superior technique, but because their innate analness provides them with a natural defense against overwhelming skidmarkation.

  6. Grizzlybare

    Are you kidding me? I can’t even imagine what a wadding technique would look like. This is the very conversation had sometime ago. A gal friend of mine couldn’t believe that I folded. Seven sheets (never an even number) so that the perforations did not match (lest ye get a finger poke through) folded twice for an 8 ply beginning. Wipe, fold, wipe, fold, and again if necessary. The gal couldn’t believe that I looked. I couldn’t believe that she didn’t. No peeking? How do you know if you are clean yet? Wadding is just a nasty thought to me. How do you keep from getting “it” on your fingers. Yuck!

  7. John Smith

    Wow, this is really interesting actually, seriously! Here I was at work, at lunch time where I normally do some random google searches and found myself here and after realizing my anal retentive wife wads her stuff, whereas me the un-regimented untamed fly by the seat of my ass carefully folds my junk. And BAM!!! I wind up here, to find out we seem to be outside the bell curve, or are we??? Anyway at this point I cannot help myself so here’s more.

    So where do I begin? I know all butts are not created equal and in the end I don’t care if you’re a wadder or folder so long as you wash your hands, however the larger question for me is do you wet wipe as well? Every time I drop a deuce I’m not satisfied (yes I’m a folder, and I’ll explain that later) unless in addition to folding and wiping a few times I take a wet strand and further wipe down and follow it up with a dry strand to finish up, and then there’s also pinching for the extreme (or normal as I see the world)! And this (astonishingly to me for years now) working in a company full of intelligent people seems to be a minority from what I can tell as I feel the need to hide or conceal the wet part cleaning when walking into the stall as if I’m bringing in drugs to get high, seriously…. Maybe I’m from another planet? The one and only time I ever saw anyone else bring wet wipings in with them to the stall I wanted desperately to say something but sanity got the best of me. But why? Are we not living in an age where we can freely express ourselves? I guess not when it comes to poo wipings…

    Okay, so for the 99% of you who do not know, wet wipings process involves the pre-wetting of TP or paper towels with water to be used as a latter wiping (depending on the severity of the poop, pinch point, etc…). Note – Store bought or home use TP for a wet wiping works just fine, however for work or other public places the TP they buy is designed to crumble instantly when it is mixed with water and bum wiping and makes for an icky brown mess, hence the paper towels instead… It’s no coincidence as what company wants to plunge their toilets 20 times a day because some idiot stuffs 2 rolls of TP wipings in the toilet without thinking.

    Now paper towels don’t disintegrate when they hit water and seem to work well, just don’t use too many or you’ll clog things. The reason for the wet wipe is poo doesn’t fully come off your bum when using only dry TP. But don’t believe me, try it sometime… After wiping yourself “clean” with dry TP then for giggles take and wet some TP with water / or paper towel if you’re out and about and wipe down again. Sure as shite you’ll find something there, and it isn’t the fake tan rubbing off.

    Now to follow up on the folding vs. wadding or wadding vs. folding, yes I’m a folder as said before. To each their own, but to me folding ensures a couple things that are uncertain for wadding IMHO. For one you can fold and wipe a few time using the same 2-3 foot strand of TP and ensure your fingers won’t accidently get involved. And (tune out for the easily grossed out) but by folding I can better control the downward pinching action on the sphincter on that initial first wipe which ensures that anything left in the tract is completely removed, thus insuring no seeping / itching issues later on. Did that totally blow you off the map? It’s not anything sick you just do that first wipe in sort of a pinching motion instead of just a simple wipe, which you really can’t do with a wad, least I don’t think. It may sounds strange to some but for those poops which don’t just break off cleanly it saves from having to wipe 10 times. Enough said about the pinch, but after, you typically follow up wipe until you don’t see anything right?. the 2nd to last is the “wet” wiping, which gets off anything remaining (and believe me unless it’s a clean pinch poop there’s always something left). And then follow up with a final dry wipe. Hey in an age where tossing salads is considered foreplay don’t we all want to be clean and prepared? So for $2,000,000 I’ll sell you the full writeup in more detail.

    And there you have it the patented wiping process. I tell you this, I may overemphasize on wiping but I leave clean and no itchy aftermath. In the end I hope this was educational for some, enjoyable for others and for the few rare individuals like myself who tend to their ass more than others well here’s tipping a glass to you!

Please discuss...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s