Don’t Judge a Masseuse by it’s Cover

Guys, have you ever had a massage? Ladies, I know you probably have. I’m not talking about a massage from your wife or girlfriend, but a real massage where you go to a spa and pay $50.00-$100.00 and get a real massage from someone that actually knows what they are doing. I’ve had a few in my lifetime and they are a dream come true. Look, get the cheesy porn movies out of your head right now… that stuff doesn’t happen. Well, maybe if you buy a massage at some truck stop somewhere it might, but… anyway seriously, if you think it’s too girly for you, get over your man-self and scrape up some cash and go get a massage somewhere. You’ll feel great afterwards and you’ll wish you had the money to go once a week.

One year for my birthday my wife bought me a gift certificate for a couple’s massage at a local holistic health center. A couple’s massage is where you both go and you spend some time in the spa and then they put you in the same room, where there are two tables and two masseuses and you get a massage together. I thought that was a cool gift so my wife scheduled the appointment, we took an afternoon off from work and headed over to the spa together.

On the drive over she started explaining the schedule to me and she told me that there would be a male masseuse and a female masseuse and that she had scheduled me with the male and her with the female.

Uhhh… whoa there cowboy….!!!

Alright, look, I don’t consider myself a homophobe. As you know, I’m not some kind of right wing religious zealot. I absolutely approve of gay marriage. I have no problem with any of it.

BUT… somehow this was a little too close for comfort.  I’d never been lying naked on a table, covered with a towel and had a guy rubbing me and I wasn’t about to start this day!

We arrived at the spa and my wife gently told the scheduler that we would like to switch masseuses. They politely obliged and got us set up in our couples massage room. A few moments later, the two masseuses arrived.

Remember the Swedish band ABBA?

Mamma-Mia!

There were four members of that band, two men and two women. When I was a kid I had the biggest crush on the dark haired female in the band. Her name was Anna-Frid Lyngstad. C’mon, how sexy is that name? I know, most guys probably had a crush on the blond girl, but I guess I’ve always been a brunette kinda guy. In any case…

My masseuse was Swedish… but she was not Anna-Frid Lyngstad and she was most-definitely not the “dancing queen.” She was built like Arnold Schwarzenegger. I suspected she had been a Four-Star General in the Swedish military and that if I mouthed off to her she would make me do two hundred push-ups. I was afraid she was going to crush my fragile bones. I don’t remember her name but I imagine it was something like Olga or Gunilla. I silently questioned my decision to switch.

The male masseuse, on the other hand, was freakin HOT, a young, handsome twenty something guy that looked like he was straight out of some boy band. I still didn’t want him rubbing me though. Olga-Gunilla gave me a nice massage and I didn’t have to do any push-ups, and Boy Band Guy gave my wife a nice massage and we got to spend some quality time together. That’s what was most important, as those days are tough to find with kids and jobs in the mix. Someday, perhaps we’ll get to do it again.

In the meantime, I keep hoping for an ABBA reunion tour…

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13 Comments

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13 responses to “Don’t Judge a Masseuse by it’s Cover

  1. Awesome! Well put/said. I do not believe I can recall ever having had a real massage…I fear it would leave me, as you said, wanting one every week. Now I am rethinking that position, as a good friend and I are planning to return to Cape May in November, and it is promoted as a ‘girlfriend weekend’ kind of place, a place to have girly drinks and a massage…last time I brought along a long massage mat, with vibrating feature, and set it up on the Victorian Hotels sofa…we took turns on it, as it rumbled and massaged and vibrated along our backs…plus, it had a built-in ‘heat’ feature. Yumm. Nice post, made me recall the importance of such physical comforts!

    View more about Cape May here:
    http://spectrumwoman.com/2011/05/26/enjoying-the-rapture-in-cape-may-2011/?preview=true&preview_id=861&preview_nonce=7587dcbc8e

    P.S. If you didn’t check my blog today, I passed on the “Versatile Blogger” Award to you! ( and a few others)

  2. bigsheepcommunications

    Glad to hear that you and Olga got along just fine. Now it’s your turn to schedule another couple’s massage for your wife’s next birthday (facials are great too).

  3. Hahahahah, you crack me up!! I could seriously use a good massage right now, with either Helga or the hot 20 year old…

  4. Wonderful, isn’t it? Yet most Americans resist. Its as if we’re violating some jungle taboo by allow a stranger to touch us in such an intimate fashion. I think the core of Americans descend from some particularly suspicious subset of the species. If only more of us could apply that doubt, when we get those credit card offers in the mail. Hey, that’s a great idea for a blog. I know you could turn it into a riot.

  5. That is hilarious. . . I’m glad she didn’t hurt you. I’m just envious that you and your wife found the time to actually go get the message together. Someday, someday. . .

  6. Never had a massage like that, sounds like fun, and yeah would def have to have a lady massage me.

  7. Just the sort of thing I am planning for us and for the same sort of reasons – kids, study, job…….

    I used to have a massage once a month, home visit. My fight with the government put paid to that, sadly, but one day I will get back to having the monthly visit.

  8. By the way – you guys are weird! Yes, irratebass, you too! They are a health professional! Do you have a problem with a male doctor? Noooooooooooo

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