Tag Archives: masseuse

Don’t Judge a Masseuse by it’s Cover

Guys, have you ever had a massage? Ladies, I know you probably have. I’m not talking about a massage from your wife or girlfriend, but a real massage where you go to a spa and pay $50.00-$100.00 and get a real massage from someone that actually knows what they are doing. I’ve had a few in my lifetime and they are a dream come true. Look, get the cheesy porn movies out of your head right now… that stuff doesn’t happen. Well, maybe if you buy a massage at some truck stop somewhere it might, but… anyway seriously, if you think it’s too girly for you, get over your man-self and scrape up some cash and go get a massage somewhere. You’ll feel great afterwards and you’ll wish you had the money to go once a week.

One year for my birthday my wife bought me a gift certificate for a couple’s massage at a local holistic health center. A couple’s massage is where you both go and you spend some time in the spa and then they put you in the same room, where there are two tables and two masseuses and you get a massage together. I thought that was a cool gift so my wife scheduled the appointment, we took an afternoon off from work and headed over to the spa together.

On the drive over she started explaining the schedule to me and she told me that there would be a male masseuse and a female masseuse and that she had scheduled me with the male and her with the female.

Uhhh… whoa there cowboy….!!!

Alright, look, I don’t consider myself a homophobe. As you know, I’m not some kind of right wing religious zealot. I absolutely approve of gay marriage. I have no problem with any of it.

BUT… somehow this was a little too close for comfort.  I’d never been lying naked on a table, covered with a towel and had a guy rubbing me and I wasn’t about to start this day!

We arrived at the spa and my wife gently told the scheduler that we would like to switch masseuses. They politely obliged and got us set up in our couples massage room. A few moments later, the two masseuses arrived.

Remember the Swedish band ABBA?

Mamma-Mia!

There were four members of that band, two men and two women. When I was a kid I had the biggest crush on the dark haired female in the band. Her name was Anna-Frid Lyngstad. C’mon, how sexy is that name? I know, most guys probably had a crush on the blond girl, but I guess I’ve always been a brunette kinda guy. In any case…

My masseuse was Swedish… but she was not Anna-Frid Lyngstad and she was most-definitely not the “dancing queen.” She was built like Arnold Schwarzenegger. I suspected she had been a Four-Star General in the Swedish military and that if I mouthed off to her she would make me do two hundred push-ups. I was afraid she was going to crush my fragile bones. I don’t remember her name but I imagine it was something like Olga or Gunilla. I silently questioned my decision to switch.

The male masseuse, on the other hand, was freakin HOT, a young, handsome twenty something guy that looked like he was straight out of some boy band. I still didn’t want him rubbing me though. Olga-Gunilla gave me a nice massage and I didn’t have to do any push-ups, and Boy Band Guy gave my wife a nice massage and we got to spend some quality time together. That’s what was most important, as those days are tough to find with kids and jobs in the mix. Someday, perhaps we’ll get to do it again.

In the meantime, I keep hoping for an ABBA reunion tour…

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