Don’t swear at your lawn mower

I swore a lot at my lawn mower yesterday.

I was trying to get the grass cut as it was quickly reaching Amazon Jungle heights with all the rain and cool weather we get this time of year.  When the grass is too long, especially in the spring, the wood ticks come out in force and start looking for some fresh blood to suck… on us or our dog or on our goats.  Plus I hadn’t had a chance to cut it yet and unfortunately my delusional dream that the two goats would keep the grass all nice and trimmed and tidy just isn’t panning out.  We have about three acres and apparently goats can only eat so much grass.  Who knew?  Maybe Jack will be able to help.

I was reminded of a story about an old friend of my family’s, long since deceased, who cut off all his fingers on one of his hands in a lawn mower accident.  Since he could no longer mow, he purchased a bunch of sheep and kept them in a portable penned in area, which was periodically moved around the property in order to keep his grass mowed.  Genius!

Anyway, my lawn mower is reaching the end of its life.  It’s having lots of health problems.  I won’t list all the details, just know that the list goes on and on.  I could probably fix it all, but when do you just say, enough is enough and pull the plug on the life support.  I bet Dr. Kevorkian doesn’t have any trouble replacing his lawn mower.

But it’s had a good life.  I bought it used for $600.00 from a guy about 12 years ago.  He had already been using it for about 10 years himself.  It’s one of those big commercial style landscaping mowers and I walk behind it.  I like to walk because it’s good exercise and helps keep me in shape.  It takes about four hours to cut the entire property and although as a younger, strapping guy I used to do it all at once, now I try to split it up into 2 hour shifts, a couple of times a week.  I figure this mower has been cutting grass for about 20,000+ hours over its workhorse life.  But now it reaching the end and I’m not sure its worth putting any more money into it.

So I swore at it a lot yesterday…

I used horrible, sickening, degrading words that are not repeatable in a nice, family friendly blog like Brown Road Chronicles.  I yelled and screamed and veins popped out of my head.  Then I called it several even more repulsive and vilifying words that are absolutely not repeatable in a nice family friendly blog like Brown Road Chronicles.

Then with the property only partially cut, I gave up and parked it back in the barn.  I went back into the house and was overcome with a massive wave of guilt.  This poor selfless machine which has given me so much over the years, was out there limping along, simply trying to cut the grass for me even though it’s poor, broken body was failing miserably under the weight of age and hard-physical work… and all I could do was swear at it. Nice going…

Anyhow, after cooling down, I got on Craiglist to see if anyone in the area had a lawn mower for sale.  I found this one listed for $650.00 from a guy that’s only about 1/2 hour away.

Isn’t it beautiful?  This is the exact same lawn mower as mine, except it’s newer.  It’s about 12 years old, roughly the same age mine was when I originally bought it.  Assuming it’s still available, I figure I can talk the guy down to $600.00 and get another 10-12 years out of this one.  As Yogi Berra said, “it’s like Deja Vu, all over again!”  I can keep the old mower and maybe use it for parts.

Then it won’t feel sad.


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30 responses to “Don’t swear at your lawn mower

  1. bigsheepcommunications

    Don’t feel bad about swearing at your lawnmower – I assure you, it’s getting the last laugh.

  2. Thank you for keeping the swearing out of your friendly, family blog. That’s why I read your blog–for the nice, respectable words and ideas you have on it. I’m glad I’m not going to have to stop reading. And I’m glad you’re going to get a new lawnmower. How fucking exciting!

  3. Family friendly made me laugh 😉

  4. I have a pretty much brand new weed whacker that I swore at like that yesterday…I am going to assume it is the gas. It better be. I hate machines…

  5. My husband has ducked this issue…we live in a condo and so our association handles the lawn mowing. Although, I do remember my stepdad mowing the front and backyard every Saturday. Ugh. I cannot stand the smell of freshly cut grass. It reeks…especially as the clippings sit in the garbage not collected for a couple of days. I almost chased the garbage man down one day, as he forgot to empty one of our full bins. Oh, no you don’t- you must remove from our property! I found out our city separated grass from regular trash. who knew!

    Lake Forest, CA

  6. I’m sure your lawn mower’s feelings weren’t hurt when you swore at it…hope the new one works well too! Shame about the goats, though…


  7. harry the handy man

    i thought the picture was of the old mower 🙂 if the goats don’t do their job turn them into a few meal’s

  8. So you are going to dismember the old mower, piece by piece, over the next 12 years? I find this sad, first a wheel, then a fuel line, then a cap………… 😦 How can you be so cruel?

  9. Might be time to retire that one Steve. My Dad had that kind of accident when I was real young…of course he was cutting the grass barefooted like a dummy. He was getting around the a/c & the grass was a little wet from the morning, he went to pull it back & slipped & fell down & pulled the mower up on his foot…it cut the end of his big toe off.

    • YIKES… I have a friend who lost 1/2 of one of his feet in a mower accident as a very little kid. Snuck up behind his mom who was on a lawn tractor, she didn’t hear him… ugh, how would that make you feel? He hasn’t had any problems, been very athletic, etc., just adjusted to it I guess. Mowers can definitely be scary things at times.

      • My worst experiences where putting a pitchfork through my foot (and the gumboot encasing said foot) but that wasn’t a machine. Then my young son wanted to push the peddle on the sewing machine and I ended up with a bit of sewing machine needle stuck in my finger, requiring surgical removal.

        My Dad was always pedantic about the law mower!

  10. You feel guilty about kicking a machine that’s given you a lot of good years and is naturally dying a slow death. Maybe get somebody else to kick it.

  11. Yes! I finally found someone who can feel guilty about the way we speak to inanimate objects!! Seriously, I know how frustrating it is to have to replace something. Hope you have as good luck as you did the first time.

  12. I am sure the old mower will consider the addition as a son and gladly sacrifice parts knowing he will live on…it is a he isn’t it!

  13. We have the same problem my fiend. Eventually we managed to pay the people that do it on the side of the highways for the muncipality. The most important thing for us this time of year- is the fire breaks between the properties. Winter is famous for fires. We have sectioned everything off. The grass around the house always looks good, but the rest looks like we are in the middle of Africa. Haha.
    With goats, sheep, a pig and geese.

  14. That looks like a mean machine!

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