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The Therapist

DOC:  Hello Steve, go ahead and have a seat on that red couch there… so, what brings you to my office today?

ME:  Well, you see Doc… I’m not funny anymore.

DOC:  Excuse me? You’re not funny anymore?

ME:  Yes, I used to be really funny… you see, I write a blog… it’s called Brown Road Chronicles… have you read it?

DOC:  No, I’m sorry I have not read it… in any case, keep going… tell me why you don’t think you’re funny anymore.

ME:  Yeah, okay… well my blog used to be knee-slapping funny… no, it was even funnier than that… it was piss-your-pants funny… and I could crank out post after post, day after day… just totally funny shit.

DOC:  And now?

ME:  Now… I got nothin’.  My goats don’t even make me laugh anymore.

DOC:  Uhhh… your goats?

ME:  Yeah, I have a couple of goats… but that’s a whole separate session.

DOC:  Okay… well, do you have any thoughts on why you are not able to be funny anymore?

ME:  I don’t know… maybe it’s just hard to be funny all the time… to make people laugh.  I think sometimes being an adult just gets in the way.

DOC:  Yes, I’m sure it can be difficult.  Funny comes from deep down inside you, from the core of your life experiences.  We just need to dig deep into your psyche and find the roots of your funniness. I’d like to hypnotize you and bring you back to your childhood and see if we can uncover some of those roots.

ME:  Sure… whatever works Doc.

DOC:  Okay, I want you to just lay back on the couch and relax, close your eyes and just breath… nice deep breaths… feel the air going in and out… you’re feeling very relaxed… breathe… nice deep breaths… very relaxed… now I am going to count backwards from 10 and you will fall into a deep sleep… 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… good… now you are in a deep sleep… you are back to your childhood, I want you to think of some things that you found funny… tell me about where you are?

ME:  I am in my garage… at one of the first houses we lived in Michigan… I’m young, like early elementary school years.

DOC:  And what are you doing in the garage?

ME:  My older brothers and a friend are recording farts on one of those old cassette tape recorders.  They start the tape by saying, “now you may listen to our collection of farts.”  Every time one of them has to fart they push down the record button and let it rip.  Then every once in a while they’ll play back the whole tape… you know… to see how it’s all coming together… it’s totally hilarious… I have tears in my eyes from laughing so much.

DOC:  Excellent, excellent… yes, very good… farts are funny… that’s very good Steve.  Let’s try to find something else… can you look forward a few more years?

ME:  Okay, now I’m in Pennsylvania, in a grocery store with my grandmother and my two brothers and my cousin… were visiting our relatives… I’m probably in about 3rd grade or so.  Us four boys, we’re in the baking aisle… and we find a bottle that says “Pure Anise Extract” on it.  Of course, we think it says “anus extract”.  We’re laughing our fucking asses off… rolling around the aisle, like hooligans… we keep repeating it… “pure anus extract… pure anus extract” and howling with laughter… it’s totally freakin’ funny…

DOC:  That is very funny… then what happens?

ME:  Then my grandmother comes around the corner and figures out what we are laughing at… she was fucking pissed… she goes ballistic on us… chewed our asses out… right in the middle of the god damn grocery store… that was funny shit though… we still talk about that story as adults.

DOC:  Excellent… very good Steve… now let’s go to your middle school years… anything funny there?

Me:  Yeah…  I’m standing in the kitchen at our house on Long Island, with two of my close friends.  One of them dares the other guy to eat a spoonful of flour… you know… a harmless prank amongst friends… we didn’t have any idea what would happen.

DOC:  Okay… that’s very good… pranks are always good fun… so what happened?

ME:  Well, he puts this gigantic spoonful of flour in his mouth, not like a little teaspoon, but a big soup spoon full… you know how dry that shit is… then he can barely swallow it… mix in a little saliva and it’s turning to cement right in his mouth… we’re like freakin’ out thinking this poor guy is gonna choke to death… he’s like gagging and choking… it was freakin’ hilarious!

DOC:  Did everything turn out okay?

ME:  Yeah, he eventually got it all down…

DOC:  I’m glad to hear that… okay, very good Steve… now, let’s look forward a little more at your high school years.

ME:  Yeah… okay… it’s late on a Summer night… I’m hanging out with my brothers and some friends and we’re drinking some beers.  A few weeks earlier, one of the older guys had stolen this five foot plastic palm tree from an outdoor, tropical themed bar they sometimes hung out at… so now we’re all wasted, and one of us decides we should take the tree and plant it in one of our buddies front yards… we grab a shovel and sneak over there in the dark, dig a hole in their yard and plant this plastic palm tree… right dead center in their front yard… hilarious!

DOC:  I’m not sure vandalism is that funny Steve… so what happened?

ME:  Turns out they didn’t think it was that funny either.

DOC:  Yes, I can imagine… but that’s very good Steve… good, funny memories… finally, how about during your college age years, anything come to mind there…

ME:  Oh man… where do I start?  Okay… I’m sitting outside in my back yard at my house… same house on Long Island… my parents threw this big party every summer… we called it The Hootenanny… we’d sit around all day eating and drinking and playing guitars and singing, swimming in the pool, playing basketball… tons of people would come, friends, family, everybody we knew.

DOC:  Okay, that’s very good… but tell me the funny part…

ME:  Well after most of the guests are gone, the hardcore partiers… you know, all the college aged guys and girls would sit around drinking… and smoking cigars… and then someone decides to light a fart… have you ever lit a fart?

DOC:  Ahhh… fascinating… farts seem to be a recurring theme here… that’s very good Steve.  But uhhh… no, I’m sorry I can’t say that I have ever lit a fart… I’m sure that is quite entertaining however!

ME:  Yeah, it’s freakin’ hilarious… you should try it some time.  It helps when everybody’s really drunk too… so we’re sitting around talking and lighting farts… imagine, you’re sitting in a circle having a drunken conversation with friends and every so often someone lights up a fart… chicks sometimes too… POOF… hilarious… freakin’ hilarious!

DOC:  That is very funny Steve… excellent work… you’ve done very well today… now, what I am going to do is… I am going to count down from ten again… and you will slowly come out of your sleep… 10… 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… wake up now Steve.

ME:  Whoa… hey Doc… wow, that was crazy… I don’t remember anything… what happened?

DOC:  Well, I’ve learned quite a lot during this session… I think you may have some latent flatulatory neuroses… but in any case a few common themes kept arising during your stories, Steve… those being… well farts… potty humor… uhhh… drinking stories… and well I guess, maybe we can include pranks and jokes.  I also noticed most of your stories involved close family and friends.  So, I think when you are writing, you just need to revert back to some of those adolescent, juvenile things that you and your family and friends find funny… other people will probably find them funny as well.

ME:  Oh… well that’s pretty much what I am doing already.

DOC:  Well… just keep doing that.

ME:  But… but… you haven’t really solved my problem… I’m still finding it hard to be consistently funny… day after day after day.

DOC:  Well, Steve… if you’d like to come back for another session… I’d be happy to see you again… but today we are out of time… I have another patient waiting.

ME:  No… that’s okay… what do I owe you today.

DOC:  Today’s fee is $500.00. You can pay at the reception desk out in the lobby.

ME:  Five hundred frickin’ dollars?!?!?!?  Dude, that is totally NOT funny…

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Our Ghost Story

Do you believe in ghosts?  Here’s our ghost story…

We’ve lived in our old 1890’s farmhouse for just over 15 years.  We moved in December of 1995 and started making the place our own.  One fall evening, about a month before our closing, my wife Kim drove down to our future home and met with the wife of the couple that was selling the house to us.  She wanted to show Kim some of the quirky (but also functionally important) things about the house;  where the main water shut-off was located, how the old cast-iron radiators had to be bled in the winter, how the side entrance door (which is the primary entrance) had a tricky bolt lock, the name and phone number of the olde-tymer that serviced the boiler, and numerous other old-house peculiarities she thought we should know.  As they were wrapping up the hour or so long tour, my wife, somewhat jokingly, but also with a touch of inquisitive curiousity, asked, “so, is the place haunted?”  She was then told the story about Maggie.

According to our seller, when they had first moved in, just a few short years before, they experienced several ghostly incidences and in turn decided to give their ghost a name.  Maggie, they would call her.  Shortly after their arrival, they began renovating several rooms of the house, nothing significant, mostly fresh paint and new wallpaper.  During one incident, with no one in close proximity, a full can of paint went tumbling off the top of a ladder as they were repainting the dining room… freaky for sure, but possibly explainable.  In a more significant encounter, the wife claimed that one night as she was sitting in the three season porch, she looked over, through the dining room to a small ice cream style table that they had in the kitchen.  There, at the table, sat a woman in an early 1900’s black dress and her hair in a bun.  When she turned her head then looked back, the woman was gone.  She witnessed this woman a second time, late one night, when she awoke from a deep sleep and saw her standing at the end of her bed.  Again the visitor vanished after a few moments.

My wife Kim took these stories with a grain of salt, left for the evening, arrived home and told me about Maggie.   Being reasonable folks, we weren’t going to let a ghost story affect the sale of the house we had fallen in love with.  The sale progressed over the next month and we moved in just before Christmas of 1995.  A few days after carrying our furniture and our boxed-up life into our new home we took the five-minute drive over to the neighboring Christmas tree farm, cut down a Christmas tree and began making our own memories.

For the record, I don’t really believe in ghosts.  I just think that if they were really spending time with us we’d have more evidence of their existence.  But somewhere deep inside my psyche is a sliver of belief.  I’m not sure why… I guess I kind of want to believe in ghosts.  I find the prospect of it fascinating.  I think the historical significance of ghosts makes for great stories.  I’m a huge fan of the hit TV show Ghost Hunters.  But in reality, I’m mostly a non-believer.  And also for the record, we have never seen or met Maggie.  Have we had some ghostly experiences?  Sure, most old house owners do.  I think that’s a function of houses that settle, that have leaky windows that make ghoulish sounds as the wind sneaks through the cracks and that have older electrical systems.

Early on we had a light in a downstairs bathroom that would turn on by its self.  One morning, after witnessing the light go on as I sat in the adjacent room, I went into the bathroom, neck-hair standing straight up, and discovered the old light switch was just loose and if it wasn’t pushed down completely when the light was turned off, a few minutes later it would pop back up and voila… the light would go on.  One evening as were getting ready to head upstairs for bed, as I approached the stairs I saw the perfectly shaped shadow of a man’s head on the opposite wall.  Yes, it stopped me in my tracks and raised my hackles!  But after a little investigation we found the source, just a light reflecting off the mirror on the opposite wall and creating a shadow from some items sitting on our dining room table.  Even this past Friday, New Years Eve, as I sat at that same dining room table, working on my recent blog posts, I clearly heard my first name spoken in what I swore was my wife’s voice.  But my wife was at work on that Friday.  “Is Kim home early”, I thought, trying not to be totally freaked out.  I called to my daughter who was in the kitchen and asked, “Madeline is Mom there?  I swear I just heard her say my name.”  “No”, she said, and then proceeded to tell me she thought she had heard HER name in that same area just a week or so earlier, in a kind of quiet, hushed voice.  CREEPY!!!  Do I have an explanation for those events?  No, I guess I don’t, but when I heard what I thought was my name, my son and one of his friends were running around just upstairs.  It could have been anything, a noise they made, a sound from their active playing.  Same with Madeline’s experience, not enough evidence that it was a real paranormal event.  Spooky… yes, paranormal… probably not!

However, if there is a Maggie, we have decided that she must be okay with us living here and is, for now, happy to keep to herself.  She apparently must be satisfied with us as the current caretakers of her house old farmhouse on Brown Road.  We have since done some major renovations to the house (a common ghost aggravator) but still have not met or seen our theoretical guest.  That makes us feel better about the possibility of having another resident amongst us.  And if it turns out there really is a Maggie, I think I know who she is.

One other significant tidbit of information we discovered from the sellers is that they had heard that our house had at one time, back in the late 1890’s and early 1900’s, operated as a Post Office for the few local residents in the area, at the time known as the Mint District due to the local farming and production of mint flavoring.  Several years ago I began to do some research on the history of our home and discovered that the Post Office story was true.  From the book Water Over the Dam, a history of Vicksburg, Michigan, published in 1972 by the Vicksburg historical society, I found the following excerpt:

At about this time a post office was established in the Mint district (there were five mint stills in the area), through the single-handed efforts of Mrs. Abner Yorton, (maiden name Abbie Hill) daughter of Cornelius Hill, mother of Mrs.  Mabel Godshalk.  Mrs. Yorton, the busy mother of five children, grew tired of driving to Vicksburg twice a week to pick up mail for herself and neighbors.  She contacted the Post Master General who told her if one letter a day was mailed from her area for a period of six months, the government would establish a post office there.  As Mrs. Yorton’s husband was a traveling salesman who traveled throughout the United States, she wrote him a letter every day for the six months, drove into Vicksburg and saw that it was properly postmarked.

Having this information in hand, with names to boot, I was able to track down more details about this family, whom as best as I can tell, were the original owners of our home, and ultimately came upon the photo below which was given to me by a distant relative who had posted some of the family history on a genealogy website.

Apparently the Hill Family was prominent in our rural area during this time period and many members of the family and their relatives are buried in the small cemetery just ½ mile or so up the road from us, including the baby in the center of the photo who died as an infant (thus the mention of only five children above).  The older man in the photo (3rd from the right) is Abner Yorton, the salesman mentioned in Water on the Dam.  The older woman (3rd from the left) is Abbie Hill… in her early 1900’s black dress and with her hair in a bun.  Is Abbie Hill our Maggie?  Is there a reason she is possibly still lingering about our house?

For now, I’ll assume that Maggie is nothing but a far-fetched ghost story and that Abbie Hill is currently “resting in peace” in her final burial place.  If the time comes though, when Maggie decides to introduce herself to us… well, that will make for one hell of a blog post!

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The Ice Cream Truck

Summertime is here and with summertime comes the classic Ice Cream Truck.

Remember?  Can you hear it… the happy music? Can you taste the creamy vanilla ice cream?  Can you feel the melting fudge bar dripping down your hands? Those were good days.

Used to be driving the Ice Cream Truck was a proud profession.  Ice Cream Men would canvass neighborhoods in their white trucks, dressed up in crisply pressed white uniforms with a black bow tie and a Captain’s hat, selling the classic Fudgesicles, Ice Cream Bars and Rocket Popsicles.  These guys were rock stars, with hordes of screaming kids following in their wake who were carrying wads of sweaty money in their hands that they had, only seconds before, extorted from their parents.

Circa 1950:

Cue Ice Cream Truck Music… tune of “Do Your Ears Hang Low.”

“AHHHHHHHHH… IT’S THE ICE CREAM MAN!!!!!”

Chaos ensues… kids running in all directions at warp speed towards their houses.

“Daddy, daddy can I have some money for the Ice Cream Man, please Daddy, please?”

“Billy, seriously, you’ve bought Ice Cream the last thirty-eight days in a row.  Whattya say we take a break today?”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

“Okay, okay, here’s a few bucks.  Hey, say hi to Mr. Jones for me… he’s a good guy you know… and while you’re out there get your old man a Triple Chocolate Ice Cream Supreme Bar.”

It was as American as Apple Pie and Chevrolet… cooling off kids on hot summer days.  Then one day Ice Cream Men became creepier than clowns, creepier than the Carnies that operate the Tilt-a-Whirl at the county fair, creepier than… used car salesmen.  What the hell happened?  When did all the Ice Cream Men go from being clean-cut, handsome, all American studs … to Appalachian, pedophilic, dentally-impaired, drug-addled hillbillies? When did the classic white Captains uniform get replaced with the not-so-classic denim shorts and wife-beater tee?

It’s a sad state of affairs!

The kids don’t care though… ‘cause to them it’s still just the Ice Cream Man.  To a kid there’s not a bunch of Ice Cream Men… it’s kind of like Santa Claus… there’s just one Ice Cream Man, and every day he travels all over the world selling Ice Cream out of his little truck.

Circa 2011:

Cue Ice Cream Truck Music… tune of “Do Your Ears Hang Low.”

AHHHHHHHHH… IT’S THE ICE CREAM MAN!!!!!”

Chaos ensues… kids running in all directions at warp speed towards their houses.

“Daddy, daddy can I have some money for the Ice Cream Man, please Daddy, please?”

“Billy, seriously, you’ve bought Ice Cream the last thirty-eight days in a row.  Whattya say we take a break today?”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

“Okay, okay, here’s a few bucks.  Make it a quick transaction though, that guy’s a god-damn freak show… if he asks you any personal questions, don’t answer him, and don’t look him in the eyes… just hand him the money… hey, while you’re out there get your old man a Triple Chocolate Ice Cream Supreme Bar.”

Yeah, so I guess it hasn’t changed all that much.  The day the Ice Cream Trucks start  playing “Dueling Banjos” though… that’s the day us parents need to draw the line!

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Amish Hunting

When the kids were younger we used to go Amish Hunting. I miss Amish Hunting. It’s a very soothing and relaxing activity, good for the soul and refreshing to the spirit. We’d often go Amish Hunting after a trip to suburbia, a trip full of shopping and errands on a weekend day. Typically on those days, the kids would fall asleep in the back seat as we were headed home and being good parents who wanted to take advantage of those precious moments of quietness, we would go Amish Hunting.

There is a relatively large Amish community just south of us. When you are Amish Hunting you need to have good tracking skills, honed over many years and many miles driving through the country side with sleeping children in the back seat. Some clues that you are approaching a good Amish Hunting ground; lots of white barns, clothes lines full of men’s dark pants and blue work shirts and women’s dresses flowing in the breeze, plows being dragged through the earth by large work horses, beards and bonnets… and of course, the symbolic black horse-drawn buggies.

It takes some time to develop the necessary skills to recognize these signs, but once you learn them, you too can spend valuable time Amish Hunting. Just remember, when you are Amish Hunting, it’s okay to shoot the scenery, but it’s not okay the shoot the actual Amish… with your camera, that is. Amish people do not like to be photographed. Some claim the reason is that the Amish believe the photograph steals their souls. From what I gather this is just an urban legend and the proper reasoning is that the Bible tells them it is a sin and forbidden to have a Graven Image of oneself. I think it is okay to take a picture of an Amish person if he or she is not aware of the photo being taken and is not posing for the camera. Here’s my advice though; when you are Amish Hunting, just don’t take any pictures. Instead keep to yourself and spend your time basking in the scenery and the peace and quiet and solitude. If you need pictures of Amish people go to the mall and buy a book or a calendar, there are plenty of those to be had.

I’m not sure how we coined the phrase Amish Hunting but it’s a phrase that has stuck in my family’s lexicon. We have discovered a few interesting things during our Amish Hunting trips. There is a wonderful Amish owned store called Millers General Store which sells lots of great baking goods and other grocery items. There is no electricity in the store so it is lit with gas lamps and the refrigerators are powered that way as well. One day on a rare weekday Amish Hunting excursion, on a Tuesday afternoon, we drove past a large congregation of Amish people celebrating. After a little research later that day we discovered that Amish weddings are traditionally held on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The kids swing set that graces our yard was purchased from an Amish fellow who hired a driver to deliver it to our property and assembled it for us. There used to be a great ice cream store we would stop at, since closed down, that was often frequented by Amish families with their children. Farther south, of course, is the wonderful city of Shipshewanna, part Amish community with its famous flea markets and tractor pulls and part tourist trap with its restaurants and t-shirt and souvenir shops.

Mostly though, Amish Hunting is just what it sounds like… driving around in a scenic, idyllic place, admiring the beauty of an area where time has seemingly stood still, where family and community and rural heritage are able to survive even though the materialistic temptations of the modern world slowly encroach. I’ve always felt a little strange staring and gawking at these people and wonder how they feel as their communities have become a draw for people trying to get a break from their usual suburban and urban landscapes. But these areas continues to enchant me… its part admiration, part curiosity and wonder, part fascination with a people who us regular folks in the modern world have trouble understanding. It’s Amish Hunting and I’d encourage you to try it some time.

Now that the kids are growing up, we don’t go Amish Hunting very often anymore. Their daily activities keep us occupied and there just isn’t much time these days for lazy afternoon drives. That’s okay… it’s the way life ebbs and flows and in due time there will be more opportunities available. For now, I’m pretty confident the Amish are not going anywhere.

Photos: courtesy of amishamerica.com

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