Ring, ring…

DISPATCH:  Police dispatch, how can I help you today?

ME:  Hi, thank you for taking my call. I called you the other day about my kids.

DISPATCH: Sir, I take lots of calls every day… what about your kids?

ME:  Well I’d reported that they’d been kidnapped… but you can just disregard that now.

DISPATCH:  Sir, may I have your name please?

ME:  Mr. Warner.

DISPATCH:  Okay Mr. Warner, it looks like you live on Brown Road?

ME:  Yes I do… I write a blog called Brown Road Chronicles… it’s very funny… have you read it.

DISPATCH:  No, I have not read it… I’m very busy sir, can we please get back to the reason for your call?

ME:  Oh, yes, I’m sorry. I need to cancel that kidnapping report.

DISPATCH:  Okay, let me find your file… one moment, please.

A few minutes later

DISPATCH:  Okay, sir, I am looking at your file.  It looks like you reported your children missing this past Tuesday morning.  That was the first day of school, correct?

ME:  Yes, the first day of school.

DISPATCH:  Did you see your kids that morning?

ME:  No… just the two other kids.

DISPATCH:  Uhhh… who are the two other kids?

ME:  Well you see, when I woke up that morning there were these two other kids in my house. They were wide awake and ready to go to school. They looked familiar, but they were definitely not my kids.

DISPATCH:  Whose kids were they?

ME:  I don’t know sir… I didn’t really recognize them… but they were very pleasant… they must have very good and responsible parents. They were here Wednesday morning also.

DISPATCH:  And your own kids were gone?

ME:  Yes, they appeared to be gone. There was just those two other kids… that’s when I reported the kidnapping.

DISPATCH:  Ummm… okay…. but your kids are back now?

ME:  Yes, yes, I’m pretty sure they’ve been returned safely.

DISPATCH:  What do you mean, you are pretty sure? Are you not sure?

ME:  No, I’m pretty sure.

DISPATCH:  Sir, kidnapping is a serious situation.  Are you sure your kids are there with you?

ME:  Well they’re not with me right now… they’re probably at home.  I am not at home right now, but I drove them to school this morning.

DISPATCH:  So they were at home this morning?

ME:  Yes, I’m pretty sure it was them.

DISPATCH:  And not those other kids that you referred to.

ME:  Yes, yes, not those other kids.  You see, when I went into my son’s bedroom this morning he complained about getting up. After three or four times, he finally got up, but then he lied on the couch and didn’t want to get ready for school and he didn’t want to get his own breakfast.  So I’m pretty sure that it was my son and not that other boy… you know… the one that was here on Tuesday and Wednesday… he didn’t do any of that stuff.

DISPATCH:  Uhhhh…. okay… and your daughter… is she home safely as well?

ME:  I think so.

DISPATCH:  You think so?

ME:  Yes, you see, after the fourth or fifth trip upstairs to get her to wake up, she finally got up, and then she was running around quite chaotically and very disorganized, looking for her school supplies and the stuff she needed for volleyball practice. So I’m pretty sure that it was my daughter and not that other girl… you know… the one that was here on Tuesday and Wednesday… she had all her stuff very organized and packed and ready to go.

DISPATCH:  Sir, have you ever heard the expression “the honeymoon is over”? I think maybe that was just your own kids and they were excited to go to school on those first two days.  It doesn’t take long for kids to get back into their old habits though.  Two days might be a record… I hate to say it, but I think the honeymoon may be over.

ME:  So you don’t think they were missing?

DISPATCH:  No, I think everything was okay. They’re kids… and that’s how kids are.  I will go ahead and close up this case.  Is there anything else I can help you with today?

ME:  Do you have a calendar there?

DISPATCH:  Yes I do… is there something I can look up for you?

ME:  Yes, please… can you tell me how many days until summer vacation?


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18 responses to “Kidnapped!

  1. bigsheepcommunications

    I believe those were Stepford children. It’s probably best that they’re gone now – they can be a little creepy.

  2. I think the two day honeymoon period is pretty standard. It’s so nice to know our household isn’t the only one operating like this.

    Here in Georgia, we have 233 days until summer break. Not that I’m counting.

  3. My kid actually brushed his teeth without me asking today, it must be the moon or something, or god forbid…a GIRL….

  4. On the third day of school (today) my son decided to barf all over his room. There goes that perfect attendance award.

  5. That’s funny, I don’t care who you are! Thank you for your post.


  6. Another great post, as i said before i don’t know how you think of them, you must sit for hours thinking them up.

  7. I live near an elementary school: in the morning the kids are pretty quiet shuffling to school, but going home they are noisy as hell.

    note: I usually shuffle to work and shuffle home: what gives?

  8. Oh my! You had me laughing so hard I almost woke my 3 kids and youngest is DeafBlind! The calls to Julie at WP had me cracked up! And your songs… Awesome! You should get them in iTunes so people can start to down load them… Then you just might really get famous like your dream!!! 🙂
    We do a ton of singing and two kids have guitars and are learning but mostly we sing country songs loudly and even make up a few of our own… Thanks for the laughs!

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