Okay, I’m going to lay it all on the line here. I don’t want a bunch of fan mail or anything. This really isn’t a big deal. Maybe I’ll alienate some men out there, maybe I’ll have some women attempting to mail me love letters… or maybe not… whatever. I just feel its time, after all these months, to put this out there.
Wait for it…
Okay, here goes…
I do my own laundry.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, that there aren’t any guys out there that do their own laundry. That’s a terrible misconception though that I am here to correct. C’mon, give us guys some credit! Sure, maybe us laundry washing guys are a rare species, but it’s true, there are guys out there that can do their own laundry. Seriously! My mom taught me to do my own laundry sometime around middle school age. I don’t actually remember learning how to do laundry as a kid and I don’t remember any kind of bribery or ultimatum. I only remember starting to wash my own laundry around that age. I keep hoping that someday I’ll be able to retrieve that memory from deep down inside my overloaded brain, so that I can similarly convince my own kids to start washing their own laundry.
You want to know what else? Sometimes I iron. I know, I know… hold the applause.
Have I told you how awesome my wife is? She’s the best! She’s loving and caring and is a wonderful Mom to our two beautiful children. She does so much for our family, she volunteers her time. She is well-respected and loved by many. Plus she loves and puts up with me and for that she deserves a lot of credit!
Sometimes she even does my laundry.
My wife is always giving me shit because I am, apparently, particular about my clothes. It’s not the washing necessarily, but the drying. I have lots of clothes that have never seen a dryer and hopefully never will. Dryers ruin clothes. Dryers shrink clothes and shorten their life. Because I fancy myself to be so awesomely suavé (aww-SUMM-lee SWA-vay) I buy clothes that are nice and fitted and one small trip through the dryer’s heat cycle and suddenly they don’t fit anymore.
So here’s my two rules of doing laundry.
1. There are two kinds of laundry. All clothes that are not red… and clothes that are red. You don’t need to separate darks and lights. That’s just a waste of time. Just don’t throw any red clothes in with your other clothes or you’ll have lots of pink clothes. On second thought, just don’t buy red clothes… who the fuck wears red clothes anyway… what are you Santa Claus?
2. Nice jeans, dress shirts, sweatshirts, sweaters, golf shirts and most pants should never, ever be dried. Never, ever, ever, never! They should be washed and hung up to dry. Once they are dry, if they are wrinkled, a few minutes in a hot dryer will get the wrinkles out. Since they are already dry they won’t shrink down 3 sizes. Really, what’s so particular about that?
My wife has occasionally washed something of mine and then dried it, something that wasn’t supposed to be dried, and then it shrunk and didn’t fit anymore. Because I love her so much I can usually get over it, they’re just clothes, right? But the other day she shrunk my favorite pants.
I don’t think I can forgive her this time.