“Steve, I think I hear someone downstairs” my wife said to me as she shook me and woke me up from a deep slumber last Saturday night.
“What… what’s going on?” I murmured still half asleep.
“Shhhh” she said. “I think I hear someone downstairs!”
Now I was wide awake. It was the middle of the night and there was an intruder in our house. I wondered why our dog, a 180 lb. St. Bernard, hadn’t woken up and barked. I quickly remembered though, all the times I had come home from work, walked into the house and not woken him up. “Great watchdog” I thought to myself.
“Should we call the police?” my wife asked.
“Whoa there, hold on. Let me sneak down there and see what’s going on.”
“Okay, but what if someone’s down there?”
“I’ll be fine.”
I crawled out of bed, adrenaline spiraling through my body, threw on some sweatpants and started heading towards the bedroom door.
“Be careful”, she said as I left the room. I took a quick glance at the kid’s bedroom doors and both were closed. I had been hoping it was just one of them awake and downstairs getting a snack or something to drink. Two closed doors meant both kids were still asleep in their rooms. I continued to the stairs.
The stairs in our 120 year old house are terribly creaky. I’ve always thought that would be beneficial someday when the kids got older and were trying to sneak in after a late night with their friends. But not now! Not as I was risking my life to find out who was walking around our house in the middle of the night. I desperately tried to remember which steps made the loudest noise so I could avoid them, but other than the bottom three, which I knew were loose, my mind was drawing a blank. I gently took each stair, trying to be as silent as possible.
First step… okay.
Second step… okay.
Third step… CREAK!
“Shit,” I whispered under my breath jumping down one more step to try to minimize the noise. I stood there quietly trying catch my breath and get my heart rate down a little bit. In the deadly stillness of the night, I heard some rustling noise downstairs that sounded like it was coming from the kitchen. “This is fucking nuts” I thought. “What the hell are you thinking?”
But something drew me on, so I continued down the creaky steps, one at a time and thankfully, mostly quietly. Those last few steps could be a problem, but maybe a few loud creaks would scare off the intruder. I moved quickly… CREAK… CREAK… CREAK… and I was in the dining room, heart beating out of my chest, but still alive, and having not yet come face to face with anyone.
The rustling noise was still coming from the kitchen which was the room next door to where I was standing. I guess my plan hadn’t worked! With my back against the wall, like one of those cops you see in a Hollywood blockbuster movie, patrolling a house full of armed thugs, I peered around the corner. That’s when I saw him, this intruder that was invading the privacy of our house. His back was to me and he was working fast and he quickly moved from the kitchen into our den and out of my sight again.
I stepped back behind the wall to reassess the situation. My heart was beating uncontrollably and I noticed that my hands were now shaking . “I’ve seen him before” I thought. “What the hell is he doing here?” In just that brief glance I had recognized his grayish white hair and his clothes. Well, of course, as usual he wasn’t wearing much clothing… just that crazy paisley style suit vest… and no pants. That’s what creeped me out the most… no pants.
But as quickly as I could blink my eyes he had vanished into the other room and my journey continued. I tiptoed quickly through the kitchen to the next entryway where I was able to hide behind the small wall that separates the two rooms. I stealthily peered around the wall once again and there he was, back still towards me, but moving fast… so incredibly fast… doing his business rapidly so he could get to the next house, to the next job.
For a moment I just watched in stunned amazement, afraid to startle him, afraid to interrupt him. Finally I couldn’t help myself. “Pssst” I said, trying to gently announce my presence. He didn’t hear me. “Pssst” I said again, a little louder. This time he whipped around rapidly, surprised at being seen, his wild eyes big and round, his huge teeth hanging out of his mouth, his long ears now clearly visible.
“Oh, it’s just you” he said with a relieved tone. “For a second I thought it might be a kid.”
“No, I checked and their still sound asleep” I reassured him. “But what the hell are you doing here?” I scolded. “You scared the shit out of me. My kids don’t believe in you anymore. I thought someone had broken into the house.”
He smiled a big grin that showed his teeth even more and tossed me a chocolate egg, wrapped up in a gold foil wrapper. I could see a little orange residue caught in between his teeth as if he had been eating carrots or something. “Eat this and go back to bed” he said as the egg flew across the room towards me. “Lots of kids say they don’t believe anymore. Most of ‘em still want to believe but there’s just too much peer pressure from their friends. I’m not ready to give up on your’s just yet!”
“Yeah, I guess that makes sense” I replied. “Here, put this in one of the kid’s baskets, I don’t need it. I ate a bunch of chocolate before I turned in tonight.” I tossed the egg back to him. “Guess I better get back to bed.”
“See you next year, maybe?” I asked as I started to turn around to head back upstairs.
“We’ll see, that’s a long way off, let me get through this year first.”
“Yeah, okay… alright good night” I said and I walked back through the kitchen towards the creaky stairs. For a brief second I wondered if I was sleep walking and I stopped and glanced back. No, I was definitely awake, but our guest was gone, the dog was asleep on the floor gently snoring, and the rest of the house seemed deathly quiet. I grabbed a glass of water and poured it down my parched throat as I pondered this late night encounter.
A few moments later, up the stairs I went, back into the bedroom. My wife was asleep as if nothing had happened, but as I climbed into bed, the jostling of the mattress woke her up.
“You okay?” she mumbled, her now half asleep.
“Yeah, I’m fine” I said. “I just needed a glass of water… I haven’t been sleeping real well tonight. Must be all that chocolate I ate.”
22 responses to “The Intruder”
I’m sure you’re not the only one with chocolate induced hallucinations. Maybe you oughta think about cutting back next year?
I always think about cutting back, but of course never do!
You had me right up to the no pants part…well-written post, Steve!
I love this … you really had me going. Happy belated Easter to you and your’s. Thank you for the BIG CHUCKLE. Che
and a Happy Belated Easter to you as well!
This seems really unrealistic. I mean, you went downstairs without grabbing a shovel or a baseball bat or something? C’mon man! You expect me to believe that? You’re lucky you didn’t get egged.
hahahahaha… that’s too funny! I actually thought about something like that but then thought, who keeps baseball bats, shovels, pitchforks, etc. in their bedroom?
You could have grabbed a hanger from the wardrobe… or perhaps a glass of water from the bed side table (better than nothing..); a pen to potentially jab the neck could be useful too…
Thanks for the suggestions. Next time I’ll know better… or just choose to stay upstairs!
“just that crazy paisley style suit vest… and no pants. That’s what creeped me out the most… no pants.”
thanks for reading… and subscribing!!
I can’t believe that after reading so many of your posts I still always fall for the beginnings. I was all, OMG AN INTRUDER OMG. Until the description, when I had to reread over and over to remind myself you’re always tricking us!
EXCELLENT post!!!! Happy Belated Easter!
Thanks Emily! Sorry to alarm you! Yeah, wasn’t really trying to trick everyone, just provide some Easter Bunny suspense! In any case had that really happened, I’m way to much of a sissy to actually go downstairs. 🙂
You’re lucky your St. Bernard is a bad watchdog. A lot of dogs would have made short work of any rabbit that breaks into your home.
As scary as he may look, I’m not sure this dog could make short work of anything.
This was excellent! I was expecting a crazy uncle with no pants lol! Brilliant!
The Easter Bunny IS probably someones crazy uncle with no pants!
Happy belated Easter from me too! Well done!
Fell for it too. Even after “no pants”.
This was awesome Steve!
Get well soon, my friend!