HER: Whatcha doing honey?
ME: Oh, I’m just looking through the job classifieds, gotta keep the job options open you know, don’t want to miss out on any great opportunities.
HER: Anything look good in there?
ME: I don’t know, not much so far, I’m definitely not cut out for any of this corporate shit… lots of stuff that I don’t really understand what it is… like here’s one… Senior Marketing Associate Lead Director of Engineering Marketing and Advertising… man, that job sounds hard… what the fuck do you think that guy does?
HER: I don’t know, probably something to do with Marketing, they used that word twice… but you’d probably have to wear a tie, it’s been a long time since you’ve had to wear a tie… whenever you have a tie on you are always yanking and pulling on it like it’s a noose or something… not sure that one is right for you.
ME: Yeah, probably not… here’s another one… E-Commerce Senior Web Merchant Generalist Director Junior Analyst… wow, whoever gets that job must have to have like eight Degrees… and man, these poor mother-fuckers must all have seriously big business cards.
HER: It’s not the length of the title that matters… it’s the girth of the card!
ME: Ha ha… that’s pretty funny… but c’mon… this is serious stuff here.
HER: Okay… anyway, that last one… yeah, probably not a great fit for you either.
ME: How about this… Vice President of Advanced Virtual Communications Media Development Relations and Essential Quality Digital Product Branding. Holy smokes, that’s the top of the frickin’ ladder… sounds like a lot of reponsibility… wonder what that guy does?
HER: Yeah… uhhh, I don’t know… but not sure you’re vice president material… you’re more of a small business guy.
ME: Yeah you’re probably right… and there’s the whole tie thing.
HER: Yeah, all those paisley ties you used to wear in the 80’s… not gonna cut it anymore.
ME: Here’s one I think I might like… Executive Director of Analytical Java Coordination Strategy Development… shit, I’d be good at that… I fucking love coffee!
HER: Uhhh sweetie, Java doesn’t have anything to do with coffee, it’s a programming language… pretty sure you don’t know anything about programming languages.
ME: Oh… my bad… okay, well how about this one… Senior Interactive Strategist Creative Account Manager Coordinator… that sounds interesting…
HER: I think you’d have to sit in a cubicle all day… not sure you’d like that.
ME: Yeah I guess you’re probably right… man, this sure is depressing looking through all these want ads… I’ve been working all these years and I just don’t feel like I have any marketable skills.
HER: You have plenty of great skills honey, you’re smart and handsome and charming!
ME: That sounds like something my mother would have said.
HER: Well, it’s true… besides, what were you hoping to find in there?
ME: I don’t know, something like Amish Furniture Maker… Kid’s Book Writer… Doodler… Campfire Guitarist… Cave Dweller… anything like that would get me stoked!
HER: Hmmm… well, I know what an Amish Furniture Maker does… you’d have to lose the Blackberry that’s permanently attached to your hand you know…. but… uhhh… what does a Cave Dweller do?
ME: I don’t know, sits around in a cave all day, scratchin’ his nuts and building fires and drawing antelopes and shit on the walls. I could do that… I’d love that.
HER: That sounds like Cave Dweller and Doodler combined.
ME: Yeah, right… multitasking… you know… I’d be great at that!
HER: Is that all you want to do is sit around and scratch your nuts all day?
ME: Well… uhhh… yeah kinda… uhhh, wait… no, no that’s not what I meant.
HER: So your dream job is what… Amish Furniture Maker Kid’s Book Writer Cave Dweller Campfire Guitarist?
ME: YEAH! That would be frickin’ awesome, wouldn’t it? Excuse me though… I’d prefer to be called Senior Executive Vice President of Amish Furniture Maker Marketing and Kid’s Book Writer Development and Cave Dweller Analyst Campfire Guitarist… anyone that’s as smart and handsome and charming as me would be a shoo-in for that job!
26 responses to “Job Hunting”
I’m with you – I prefer a cave over a cubicle any day!
I’ve always been fond of “Imaginary Artist.” You just sit around all day and imagine artwork. Then, when the time comes (and the time has to be just perfect) you describe it to people. They “oh and ah” about the potential, because that’s what it is – potential. You represent potential, and people need that. That’s why they come to you. Without imaginary art, there would only be just plain art, and we’ve got plenty of that already. It’s the potential masterpieces that are lacking. You could probably spend time at an art gallery describing your mental art to paying listeners. As a bonafide”Virtual Mental Potentiator” your services would be sought out. It’s not what you did, it’s what you could do that would interest people.
Virtual Mental Pontentiator… I like that… its genius!
I feel your pain, Steve…if only someone would actually pay us to write without having to kiss a corporate butt or “spin” something.
Yes, that would be nice!
I totally feel the same way as you both.
I scratch my nuts all day, it’s just not part of my job and unfortunately I don’t get paid extra for it, although for my next job–if I ever get one–I think I’m going to make sure that that’s in the job description. . . 🙂
Those will be some nutty contract negotiations!
Jared, FYI, this afternoon when I wrote this I wasn’t sure it was that funny… but after consuming three beers tonight and rereading it… man, it’s hysterical… so the tanqueray theory works!!
heres one for you and its genuine , but you need a tie
Telecommute Vice President Pharmaceutical Marketing & Sales
Telecommute sounds good… the rest, no thanks!
I plan to won the lotto… I think I’m a shoo in for it! Wish me luck! And good luck to you for your Amish nut scratcher campfire guitarist interview. I think that actual job title is camp counsellor. 😉
Camp counselor huh? Not sure I could handle that!
I know of a job that somebody has that needs to find you….a “Publisher”…you need to be a writer man. It’s so amazing the things you think of & come up with. Kinda the reason I think Steven Spielberg is so good at directing movies…the things he thinks of to put in them…example: in Saving Private Ryan…when they jumped out of the boats to walk to shore & the camera was popping in & out of the water along with the sound. It made you feel like you were seeing with that guys eyes. Nobody else would have thought of that! Great job once again buddy!
Thanks Jason, if you hear of any publishers looking for potty jokes let me know. Maybe Spielburg is hiring!
Thats what you need to do…write a script…won’t have to worry about the language & I think they are up to like 6-8 mil per! I started one like 15 years ago..threw down like 60-70 pages & haven’t touched it since! Would love to finish it someday!
Seriously…look on my blog & get my e-mail…send me yours…my ex-wife’s uncle wrote a book & got it published…maybe I can get in touch with him & figure out what all he went through for you!
I friggin’ love your dialogues. And I’m painfully sober AND this is hilarious.
Considering the apparent popularity of nut scratchin’ (count me in – with your non scratchin’ hand, preferably) , maybe we could start like a nut scratchin’ think tank or something. We could apply for some sort of government subsidy and write policy papers on it. Just a thought.
Great idea! Yeah, count me in on the think tank!!
Oh wouldn’t it Be awesome to just write!
I am drinking coffee, and enjoying reading this! I am sure that if I had a gin- it would be hilarious. Does your wife know that you are a nutter?
Yes, it would absolutely be fun to just to be able to write… and yes after roughly 24 years together my wife pretty much knows everthing about me, nutty-ness and all… that’s ok… it’s why we get along so well.
a nut scratchin’ think tank around the camp fire outside the cave with a guitarist playing quitely near by , while a Amish Furniture Maker is busy at wotk and a Kid’s Book Writer is deep in thought.
count me in when you start the think tank:)
Seriously funny piece and contemporary too. You could probably get it published at The Cynic Magazine.
It does seem like all the want ads in the paper these days are for top executives. That seems odd, since I thought companies were getting rid of over paid administrators.
Rule of thumb: If you don’t know what it is, you probably can’t do it. That’s right next to this rule: If you have to ask how much, you can’t afford it. Followed by: If you don’t need the instructions, then you’re a professional.
Let me know if you find any Amish Furniture Maker jobs. I’m not Amish, but I’m willing to convert for a year or two.
Thank you for letting me know about this post. It was hysterical. I’m sol on nuts but I can relate since I prefer the cave to the jungle. Take care!