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Job Hunting

HER:  Whatcha doing honey?

ME:  Oh, I’m just looking through the job classifieds, gotta keep the job options open you know, don’t want to miss out on any great opportunities.

HER:  Anything look good in there?

ME:  I don’t know, not much so far, I’m definitely not cut out for any of this corporate shit… lots of stuff that I don’t really understand what it is… like here’s one… Senior Marketing Associate Lead Director of Engineering Marketing and Advertising… man, that job sounds hard… what the fuck do you think that guy does?

HER:  I don’t know, probably something to do with Marketing, they used that word twice… but you’d probably have to wear a tie, it’s been a long time since you’ve had to wear a tie… whenever you have a tie on you are always yanking and pulling on it like it’s a noose or something… not sure that one is right for you.

ME:  Yeah, probably not… here’s another one… E-Commerce Senior Web Merchant Generalist Director Junior Analyst… wow, whoever gets that job must have to have like eight Degrees… and man, these poor mother-fuckers must all have seriously big business cards.

HER:  It’s not the length of the title that matters… it’s the girth of the card!

ME: Ha ha… that’s pretty funny… but c’mon… this is serious stuff here.

HER:  Okay… anyway, that last one… yeah, probably not a great fit for you either.

ME:  How about this… Vice President of Advanced Virtual Communications Media Development Relations and Essential Quality Digital Product Branding.  Holy smokes, that’s the top of the frickin’ ladder… sounds like a lot of reponsibility… wonder what that guy does?

HER:  Yeah… uhhh, I don’t know… but not sure you’re vice president material… you’re more of a small business guy.

ME:  Yeah you’re probably right… and there’s the whole tie thing.

HER:  Yeah, all those paisley ties you used to wear in the 80’s… not gonna cut it anymore.

ME:  Here’s one I think I might like… Executive Director of Analytical Java Coordination Strategy Development… shit, I’d be good at that… I fucking love coffee!

HER:  Uhhh sweetie, Java doesn’t have anything to do with coffee, it’s a programming language… pretty sure you don’t know anything about programming languages.

ME:  Oh… my bad… okay, well how about this one… Senior Interactive Strategist Creative Account Manager Coordinator… that sounds interesting…

HER:  I think you’d have to sit in a cubicle all day… not sure you’d like that.

ME:  Yeah I guess you’re probably right… man, this sure is depressing looking through all these want ads… I’ve been working all these years and I just don’t feel like I have any marketable skills.

HER:  You have plenty of great skills honey, you’re smart and handsome and charming!

ME:  That sounds like something my mother would have said.

HER:  Well, it’s true… besides, what were you hoping to find in there?

ME:  I don’t know, something like Amish Furniture Maker… Kid’s Book Writer… Doodler… Campfire Guitarist… Cave Dweller… anything like that would get me stoked!

HER:  Hmmm… well, I know what an Amish Furniture Maker does… you’d have to lose the Blackberry that’s permanently attached to your hand you know…. but… uhhh… what does a Cave Dweller do?

ME:  I don’t know, sits around in a cave all day, scratchin’ his nuts and building fires and drawing antelopes and shit on the walls.  I could do that… I’d love that.

HER:  That sounds like Cave Dweller and Doodler combined.

ME:  Yeah, right… multitasking… you know… I’d be great at that!

HER:  Is that all you want to do is sit around and scratch your nuts all day?

ME:  Well… uhhh… yeah kinda… uhhh, wait… no, no that’s not what I meant.

 HER:  So your dream job is what… Amish Furniture Maker Kid’s Book Writer Cave Dweller Campfire Guitarist?

ME:  YEAH! That would be frickin’ awesome, wouldn’t it?  Excuse me though… I’d prefer to be called Senior Executive Vice President of Amish Furniture Maker Marketing and Kid’s Book Writer Development and Cave Dweller Analyst Campfire Guitarist… anyone that’s as smart and handsome and charming as me would be a shoo-in for that job!

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