I wrote a post awhile back called “I Don’t Want to Go to School”. I was having one of those Sunday nights where I didn’t want to get up for work the next day. It wasn’t really even about not wanting to go to school. It was about that feeling I used to get as a kid on Sunday nights when the joy of the weekend was over, and how I have been feeling it lately as an adult. But what I have discovered since writing that fine piece is that it appears there is a rampant outbreak in the child populous, of kids that don’t want to go to school… an epidemic! No, perhaps it should be classified as an endemic:
en•dem•ic: natural to or characteristic of a specific people or place; native; indigenous.
Yes, an endemic, characteristic of a specific people… those people being kids… and not just any kids… indigenous kids… and not just any indigenous kids… but apparently a rogue band of thugs that think they can take on the world with total disregard to the covenants of law and order and societal stability, kids that are trying to deceive their parents, and ultimately figuring out ways to not have to go to school.
Heathens, I say… heathens!
Personally I am troubled by this development, by this trend towards school based animosity in our youth… I always wanted to go to school… and even when I didn’t want to go to school, which was most days, I got up and went to school. I didn’t try to get out of going to school and I didn’t have the internet to help me design some trickster scheme to get out of it, like these fraudulent children that are sitting in their rooms at night typing away on their computers or their i-phones, trying to find ways to pretend to be sick or incapacitated and unable to attend school. In fact, I was always up and ready for school on time, promptly out to the bus stop, dressed dapperly in my matching Garanimals clothing and proudly carrying my lunchbox… the epitome of grade school scholarly excellence. My older brothers on the other hand… hooligans… always late, running around chaotically every morning trying to get showered and dressed and find their school books and finish their homework and perhaps eat something for breakfast.
So… how, you ask, do I know about this endemic that is destroying our youth, eating away at our future leaders of the free world, sucking the life out of our society? Well, let me tell you… let me see if I can convey the gravity of this dire situation. Each day as I read my stats page, which as you know from my post B.O.O.B.S. can become a serious mental health condition, I have noticed a boon of readership being directed to my blog by an abundance of search engine terms from disillusioned children that don’t want to go to school.
I have listed and cataloged these search terms and expressions below and included some expert analysis about these youth that I gathered from a team of renowned experts and led by Professor of Sociopathology at Harvard University, Dr. Schullis Sukey.
Category 1: i don’t want to go to school and “i don’t want to go to school”
These children clearly have the capacity to become future leaders of a rogue nation, all spelling and punctuation is correct, they are educated, they state the facts clearly and succinctly. Our experts could not decipher the use of quotation marks, perhaps a future blogger or leader of a terrorist organization.
Category 2: I don’t want to go to school tomorrow and tomorrow don’t want to go to school
These children are singularly focused only on the following day, tomorrow… clearly a function of not having an assignment done. These are procrastinators, deadbeats, delinquents, those who will one day be taking handouts and sucking entitlements from our government.
Category 3: I don’t want school and don’t want school
These are not just children that don’t want to go to school. These kids don’t WANT school, they don’t believe in school, as if society would be better off if we didn’t have laws that required our children to become educated and productive members of our society. They can only be classified as renegades, laggards. As adults, these children will thrive only in some kind of Mad-Max apocalyptic society.
Category 4: Don’t want to to go to school photos and I don’t want to go to school youtube
Not only do these children not want to go to school, they are voyeuristic, they are searching for images and video of other kids not going to school. It is suspected that since they don’t know how not to have to go to school themselves, they can only thrive vicariously on images of other outlaw youth not going to school. These children will grow into adults who will be chronically unemployed and will wastefully spend their days viewing videos and images of other non-productive adults not going to work.
Category 5: I don’t want 2 go school and Don’t wanna go 2 school 2 day
These children like numbers, maybe they excel in mathematics. More likely they are chronic texters, technologically saavy, early-adapters of the latest high-tech gadgets. These children can only be classified as those who will someday develop the skills to infiltrate vast government and financial computer systems. Studies show these kids have the potential to cause great harm to society but only if they are able to refrain from the deleterious effects of texting while driving.
Category 6: I don’t go to school and I don’t to go to school
These children are an anomaly. At first glance it appears they have already abandoned any semblance of a productive life. They don’t go to school. They most likely have parents who are so wrapped-up in their own personal problems that they are unaware that their children are not going to school. Yet, on the other hand, these are kids that are the deciders, kids that have taken this whole school situation into their own hands. These children will probably grow up to become successful leaders and entrepreneurs.
Category 7: don’t go school, do not want to school, I don’t wan school and I don,t want school
These children are a major concern. Evidence suggests that they do not want to go to school because, frankly, it’s most obvious that they are struggling in school. Issues with spelling, grammar and punctuation lead our experts to believe these kids are not getting the special attention and access to remedial programs necessary to bring them up to academic speed with the rest of their classmates. The No Child Left Behind program has clearly left these children behind. Rapid intervention is crucial for these children to not become criminally active and a scourge to society.
Category 8: Kid don’t want to go to school
This classification of child baffled our team of experts. In the search engine terms, this youth clearly identifies himself as a “kid”. It is believed that this youngster has a clear and confident self-image. Evidence here suggests this is just an average kid that doesn’t want to go to school.
So, my friends… now that you have a clear understanding of the issues at hand, I implore you to stay aware and abreast of this troubling situation. I’ll leave you with this message: to all the kids out there that are reading my blog…
Kids, stay in school and don’t do drugs.
Now, if I could only get control of all of the creepy readership being directed to my blog by my article on B.O.O.B.S.
10 responses to “A Troubling Situation”
It’s funny about search terms that come up over and over again…here’s my post about search terms:
I should write another one sometime soon…
I enjoyed your BOOBS piece (I’m also a sufferer!). I have kids who didn’t want to go to school…not fun!
Read yours… that was great! It is pretty funny how some people find you, some I can’t even figure out why!
Now that was funny!!! 🙂
Thanks! 🙂 When it makes me laugh while writing it, I figure it’s a keeper!
Schullis Sukey… lol… I crack myself up!
“Now, if I could only get control of all of the creepy readership being directed to my blog by my article on B.O.O.B.S.”
LMAO That will teach ya! 😉
Hey… I guess at this point I’ll take whatever readers I can get… even if they were looking for porn.
This is hilarious! Thank you. (And now…..off to school!)
Thanks, figured the teachers would get a kick out of this… if you want to share it with any of your teacher friends, that’s cool!
That was great!
Have any of them ever commented? Would love to know.
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