Mac and Me

Oooh, yeah, baby that’s so good!  Mmmmm…hmmm… Mama Mia…so, so good….. yeah, I love it….. oh yeah, keep it coming… OH…YES… give me more… give me more… Ooooh yeah… so hot and tasty… mmmmm…hmmmmm… keep it coming… oooh yeah, you’re so smooth and creamy and….. noodley….

SCREEEEEEEEECCCCCHHHHHH!

Excuse me, did you just say “noodley?”

Macaroni and Cheese is clearly one of the greatest foods ever invented in the entirety of human history.  I don’t even mean the fabulously delicious, down-on-the-farm, homemade kind with the big curvy elbow noodles and the freshly shredded cheddar and the bread crumbs on top, all baked together with love… and, you know… cheese. No, I mean the Kraft kind, the kind that comes in a cardboard box with those little miniature tubular noodles and that fluorescent orange cheese powder.  That stuff is delightfully good!  It’s pure bliss, pure ecstasy, pure happiness.  It’s so cheesy and salty and creamy and noodley.

I try not to eat too much of it anymore.  Did you know that it’s not very healthy?  Yes, in fact, I’m here to make you aware that Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is chock full of excess carbs and salt and fat and calories and cheese and salt and creaminess and tastiness and love and beauty and wonderfulness…. ooh, sorry, I am getting off track!  Seriously my friends, apparently it’s not very healthy.  So I try to avoid it as much as possible.   My kids still eat a lot of it though because, you know, they’re kids and kids can still indulge in those kinds of foodstuffs and their metabolism just kicks into high gear and burns it right up.  And plus, my son, being a 10-year-old, still mostly only eats from the six kid food groups:

1.  Pasta Foods: such as Macaroni and Cheese, Spaghetti, etc.

2.  Canned Pasta Foods: such as Spaghetti-O’s, Chef Boyardee, etc.

3.  Tube Shaped Foods:  Hot Dogs, Corn Dogs, etc.

4.  Nut and Jelly Foods:  Peanut Butter and Jelly, Jelly Donuts, etc.

5.  Foods with cool mascots: Cereals, Pop-Tarts, Kid-Cuisine Meals, etc.

6.  Foods that used to be chickens:  Nuggets, strips, etc.

So, here’s me serving up my plate of food of an average night.  First there’s the meat dish, fresh off the grill, sitting there all lean and juicy and tasty looking.  Next, the vegetables sitting there all yucky and showing off their fanciful colors.  Then there’s the potatoes sitting there in all their starchy goodness.  Finally, there’s the Macaroni and Cheese, sitting there in all its royal oranginess.

“I don’t need that”, I tell myself.

But what is in that stuff?  It’s calling out to me like a hit of heroin taunting it’s junkie.

“C’mon, Steve, I won’t hurt you, just one bite… look at how creamy and orange I am!”

“No, I don’t need any of you. I’m over you!  How many times do I have to tell you that?  I’ll just have an extra serving of this spinach-cauliflower-carrot medley.”

“C’mon, Steve, just stick your fork in the pot, just one little taste.”

“Alright, alright, just one hit… uh, I mean bite.”

I briefly envision myself wrapping a bib around my neck like the junkie tightening the tourniquet around his arm.  Just stick the needle fork into your vein the pot, take a little bite and….

The salty goodness hits the taste buds on my tongue throwing my body into a convulsive release of endorphins, the rush of the cheese flavor envelopes me.…  “OH MY LORD GOD ALMIGHTY, that is so good…. you’re right Macaroni and Cheese, I do need you… I do…I do…you’re so smooth and creamy and…..

….. noodley….

Tomorrow night I’ll quit… I promise!