Tag Archives: six-pack

When is it okay to stop wanting to have abs?

You all may think I’m a super-confident, courageous, dauntless guy, the way I write posts about being a super-confident courageous, dauntless guy. But I’m really not. I’m actually probably a little insecure about myself which is why I spend so much time worrying about whether my hair is out-of-place or if my clothes look okay or how my abs look underneath a freshly-pressed dress shirt and v-neck sweater.

(See how I snuck that little key word in there!)

Just kidding, I don’t really have abs. I mean, sure, I actually have abs… as in abdominal muscles… we all have abs, but they’re just covered up with layers of doughnuts and bacon and wine.

But I’m talking about abs… like serious Ryan Gosling abs!

RG

I looked back on some old photos and as much as I like to think that I did, I’m not sure I’ve ever really had abs.

Well, maybe I had abs when I was in elementary school (if by abs you mean like the distended stomach of a starving Ethiopian child from a 1980’s Oxfam commercial.)

Or maybe I had abs in high school (if by abs you mean like the protruding rib cage of a waifish uber model on the runway at a New York City fashion show.)

Or maybe I had abs in College (if by abs you mean a “six pack” of Busch Lite three or four nights a week.)

When is it okay to stop wanting to have abs… serious Ryan Gosling abs? To just say fuck it, I’m gonna let it all hang out, saggy old man skin and all. What is it about abs that makes us do countless reps of painful, hellish exercises, even when we are long past the age where that should really matter?

What does great abs really get us?

Other than the fact that a strong core helps avoid serious back problems, there’s likely no evolutionary benefit to having great abs. Did Oog walk around the cave in low-cut Saber Tooth Tiger under pants showing off his inguinal crease with all the cave chicks giggling and saying “Oooooh… Oog Hot”?

I don’t think so.

In fact, Oog probably packed on a little covering of “insulation” during those lean hunting seasons, and from those occasional days sitting on the couch eating Woolly Mammoth burgers and fermented berries.

Did Oog have any trouble impressing chicks? Guessing not or we wouldn’t be here today.

So when is it okay to stop wanting to have abs?

When I’m 50, would it be okay then? That’s only a few years away. How about when I get to 60, would it be okay then to stop wanting to have serious Ryan Gosling abs? When I’m 60, even Ryan Gosling will probably have stopped working on his abs.

I stay in pretty good shape and I’ve never had any trouble keeping my weight where it should be. I work out somewhat regularly in a patched-together gym in one of my barns, and I walk a few miles a day around the house turning off lights that my kids leave on and looking for stuff that I can’t remember where I left.

But each year that goes by, the odds of actually ever seeing my abs again becomes slimmer and slimmer. They’re like that old friend in High School that you promised to stay in touch with but just can’t seem to make it happen.

But I keep trying.

So when is it okay to stop wanting to have abs?

What do you think?

It’s okay, take your time… while you’re composing your answers, I’ll be out in my barn for a couple of hours trying to locate my inguinal crease.

Advertisements

37 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

My New Years Resolution: To become a Famous, Ripped, Best-Selling, Rock Star Amish Furniture Maker

I can’t quite figure out if I like New Years Eve.  Yeah, the parties are usually fun and festive, hanging out with friends, having a few drinks and overeating.  I actually think watching the Times Square ball drop is fun too.  Maybe that’s from my years as a resident of the great state of Long Island… (uh, I mean New York, yeah I know there’s more to NY than just Long Island and NYC… WHATEVER!!)  I have never actually gone to Times Square on a New Years Eve though.  Over a million people packed in there… YIKES… that’s way too big a crowd!

Most people tend to look at the end of the year by focusing on NEXT year.  Ahhh, the new years resolution!  What can I do next year that I fabulously failed at accomplishing this year.  Exercise more, eat less, work more, work less, spend more time doing <insert holistic, mind-fulfilling, life-altering activity here>, spend less time doing <insert sinful, destructive, life-shortening activity here>.

I’ve never made a New Years Resolution (maybe I should start).  What I tend to focus on at the end of each year, especially as I get older is all of the unrealistic accomplishments that I have fabulously not yet accomplished in life.  Can you say “mid-life crisis!”  As I look back, I think;  I haven’t become a famous <insert spectacularly-awesome skill here> yet; I haven’t figured out a way to have enough money to not have to work anymore;  I haven’t figured out how to make a killer living as an Amish furniture maker;  I haven’t figured out how to become a “homesteader” yet still be able to pay my mortgage, keep my blackberry, drive my truck and save for my kids college education;  I haven’t been able to peel away the last layer of abdominal fat and see the six pack of abs I had as a college student; I haven’t come up with the Harry Potteresque storyline to write a series of best selling novels; I haven’t yet found the “idyllic life”  (https://brownroadchronicles.wordpress.com/2010/12/05/looking-for-the-idyllic-life/!

I can hear you saying, “Boy, Steve, those are pretty lofty goals for a New Years Resolution.”  Yes, yes  they are.  But you know what, this is the year… this is the year I will become a Famous, Ripped, Best-Selling, Rock Star Amish Furniture Maker.

I think my odds are pretty good, you know… if I can just put my mind to it!

7 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized