Tag Archives: humor

December 12, 2012 · 1:10 pm

Dear Santa

Alright look, let’s get serious about this whole Christmas gig.  I’ve been pretty good this year so you’d better not be thinking about putting me on that damn Naughty List.  Sure, I’ve done some stupid shit, hasn’t everybody? I mean, alright, I know I started the year by getting really drunk at a New Year’s party. But hey, it was the fucking New Year, right? And frankly, 2011 had been a pretty tough year anyway, and we all needed to burn off a little steam, don’t you think? Anyway, beyond that, I think I’ve been pretty good. Sure, in general, sometimes I drink too much. Look I’ll be the first to admit it. I bet you and those creepy, fucking little elves you hang out with sit around most of the year partying it up, drinking and eating nachos and shit. Seriously, there’s no way you’d be that overweight if you hadn’t been pounding down some brewskies here and there. Anyhow, other than that, I’ve been mostly pretty good this year. Sure, sometimes my wife and I have watched some porno movies. C’mon, you got to live a little, right? Look, I know I stopped at the casino last spring and pissed away like twenty bucks in the slot machines.  But hey, I made a sales call on the gift shop in the casino. So it’s a write-off, right? And I know I got pulled over for speeding twice this year, but you know, I’m on the road a lot now, the odds are just fucking higher. Neither cop gave me a ticket, so it’s all good.

Anyhow, so I’m not perfect, but seriously I’ve been mostly pretty good this year, just like every year. I mean, you’ve got to admit, I’ve got a pretty good track record over the last 45 years. You’ve gotta give me some points for that, right? Right?

So, let’s do this shit.

This is what I want for Christmas this year. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t really want anything that’s wrapped up all fancy-like with bows and shit. Look I’m 45 now, that’s just not a big deal anymore. That’s for my kids, who you probably figured out by now, don’t believe in you anymore. Sorry dude.

Alright maybe I’d take some new socks. You can never have enough socks.

Here’s my list…

Look, you gave me a new job last winter. It’s going okay, but it’s been a pretty lean year. Everyone told me it would take two, maybe even three years to get it going. January is the beginning of year two. This year it’s got to kick the fuck into gear. Let’s get this shit done, okay?

Give me a fucking block… for writer’s block. Seriously, this whole writing gig is sorta becoming a pain in the ass. I used to love to write, now it’s like a fucking struggle all the time. I can see why so many writers are bat-shit crazy alcoholics. God damn, imagine having to depend on writing for your income? I just watched the movie The Shining the other day for probably the 10th time and amazingly it was the first time that the whole Jack Torrance writer’s block thing really sunk in. I haven’t started seeing ghosts or anything so I think I’m still okay. Anyway, give me that motivation again to start cranking this shit out more regularly. Give me that and I’ll write something stellar and profound this year. I promise.

Give me the fucking strength to survive my kids becoming teenagers. I mean seriously dude, these are two of the best kids around, but this is some crazy shit watching them grow up. Not believing in you? That’s the least of my fucking worries. I’ve got a girl talking about boys and a boy talking about girls. Seems like overnight we went from toy trucks and barbies… to boobs, boners and tampons.  This is serious business. Help me out with this shit, alright?

Get me back on a fucking exercise program. Dude, I used to work out all the time, I was like all lean and ripped. At my annual physical this past month I cracked the 200 lb. mark for only the second time in my life. 211 fucking lbs. Of course those douchebags at the Doctor’s office weigh you with all your clothes and shit on. I hate that shit. I mean seriously, my clothes probably add 2-3 lbs onto my weight. Okay so I’m still over 200 lbs, whatever. Anyway, look, I know that probably doesn’t sound like much to you… seriously, you gotta be comin’ in at what, 4 bills? I don’t know how the fuck you get down those chimneys. Maybe you and I can both get back on an exercise program.

How about this, give me some fucking peace-of-mind, okay?  Yeah, I know that’s kind of a vague request. Just seems like I’m always stressing out about everything, work and life and what the Hell I’ve accomplished in my time here and the fact that I’m not famous and I’m just a regular guy. I mean, seriously, what does all that shit matter anyway? Do other people worry about stuff like that all the time? Anyway dude, give me some peace-of-mind, alright?

What about Gay Marriage? Look I don’t stress out much about hot-button political issues. But gay people should be allowed to get married. Can you finally get that shit done? Look, I’ve got no stake in this. It doesn’t even remotely affect me. And seriously, what is it like, 2% of the whole population or something? We’re not going to be overrun by a bunch of gay people in rainbow t-shirts. They’re just people and they should be allowed to get married. I’m tired of hearing about it and there are so many more important things to be talking about.

Give my family and I another year of health. That’s a pretty simple request, right? Look, I’ll admit, the last few years I’ve started to feel older for probably the first time in my life. Plus, I’ve got gray hairs popping up all over the place. Shit, I bet I’m up to like 30 of them. I know, I know, I can hear you saying “get back on the exercise program you lazy fuck!” Okay, you promise me another year of health and I’ll promise you to start hitting the weight bench again, you know, if you promise to help me with #4.

Give me lots of sunny days this year. I know, that’s not really your gig, its Mother Nature’s gig. But she’s kind of a pain in the ass sometimes, so maybe you could put in a good word for me. I just want lots of sunny days.  I want lots of rainy days too… and plenty of snowy days… and days that it’s hot… and days that it’s cold… and days that it’s right in the middle. Those are perhaps the best days, the one’s where it’s right in the middle.  On Christmas day though give me lots of snow. Big fucking piles and piles of fluffy snow. So we can wake up Christmas morning and drink Mimosa’s and coffee and hot chocolate and have a fire in the wood stove and eat my wife’s cinnamon buns. What? They’re cinnamon buns. Get your mind out of the gutter, you creep.

Alright buddy, I guess that’s about it. There’s probably other things, but that’s all I can think of and time’s running out. Seriously, I really have been pretty good this year.

So could you help me out with these requests?  It’s not much, right?  Just these few things.

And maybe a new set of guitar strings.

Thanks,

Steve

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December 1, 2012 · 11:20 am

Ten Ways Writing is Like Sex

writers block

Writers Block?!?!?!

10. Writing definitely became more prolific and interesting when electronic tools became mainstream.

9. Although sometimes it’s easier just to go it alone, in the long run you’re better off having some other people involved.

8. Sometimes writing is slow and deliberate, sometimes it’s fast and frenzied, but you’re usually pretty satisfied with the end result. And if you’re not… you can always try again tomorrow.

7. We live in a busy world. You often just need to schedule a specific time to get your writing done, like Sunday nights after the kids go to bed.

6. A little prompting can help lubricate your thought process.

5. Most of us are ready to write at a moment’s notice, but sometimes it’s easier just to use the excuse “I have a headache.”

4. Protection (as in copyright) should always be at the forefront of one’s thoughts.

3. Some days writing is all we think about.  Some days, even when we try not to think about it… it’s all we think about.

2. When it’s just not happening for you it’s important to think outside of the box, try new things, explore new genres, but realistically you’ll have the most success when you stick with your tried and true techniques.

1. The end result isn’t always what’s important… sometimes it’s all about the lead-up.  Okay… yeah… whatever, the end result is pretty important… getting published that is!

Good luck with your end result. And when you do get published, well if you’re a girl you can find someone to cuddle with. If you’re a guy, okay… just this once… it’s okay to pass out on your side of the bed!

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November 21, 2012 · 11:29 am

Thicker than Pea Soup

It’s foggy today.

I’m working at home and looking out the window I can still, at almost 11:00 am, barely see across my property. The schools were delayed two hours to allow the daylight to show its face so it would be easier for the buses to get to get the kids safely to the classrooms. I drove my kids in and visibility was probably about 30-50 yards.  We get lots of foggy days here, especially this time of year when Mother Nature seems to be frantically trying to figure out if it should be sunny and warm or cloudy and cold, raining or snowing, wet or dry, changing her mind sometimes every few hours.

But this morning she chose it to be foggy.

Thick fog…

Thicker than pea soup…

Does anyone really say that anymore? “Man, the fog this morning was so thick… it was thicker than pea soup!”

More importantly, does anyone really even eat pea soup? I mean, seriously, is there anything more disgusting than pea soup? Maybe the expression should be “that’s more disgusting than pea soup!”

“Hey, I have an idea, let’s take a bunch of split peas, whatever a split pea is… cook them up to oblivion, then mash them up into a puree with some water and salt and pepper and try to pass it off as soup. We can throw in a few cubes of ham and maybe some onions and things so that people won’t think they are eating the most disgusting food that anyone could ever possibly think of.”

Look, if you’re going to try to win me over with your split pea soup recipes in the comments, it’s a moot point, my mind is made up already. I mean, I love most veggies, beans, legumes, cooked, fresh, raw, in soup, in stir fry, whatever. Not a fan of Brussels sprouts or the many varieties of squash or mushrooms. Other than that I’m mostly opened minded. I like soup too, chicken broth based especially. There nothing that says “hey buddy, it’s okay to wrap up in your little blankie with your pajamas and bunny socks on and stare at the TV” than a bowl of chicken soup.

But split pea soup?

I learned early on in my life, probably about 1-2 years old, that my mother was going to sit in front of me with little jars of mashed up food and try to shove it into my mouth. Sometimes there were even flying spoons and airplane noises involved. But it didn’t take long to figure out that the pears and the applesauce were the bomb! But a spoonful of mashed up green mush… my jaw would be “locked up tighter than a drum, tighter than Pandora’s box.”

“Sealed up tighter than a brand new pickle jar at a Thanksgiving Feast.”

By the way, that reminds me, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I may not always realize it but I have a ton to be thankful for… an amazing wife and kids and family, loyal friends, a beautiful old home, a job, four really cool goats and a few cats, a little bit of writing talent, my health, my family’s health, and of course all you great blogging pals. Did I mention an amazing wife and kids?

I’m thankful for the Jackson Browne CD that is playing in the background right now and in terms of entertainers, the one artist in the world that has had a more profound impact on my life than any other.

Sometimes I have to push through the fog to figure that all out and sometimes that fog can be “as thick as pea soup.”

But not today…

Today that is as clear as day!

Hope you all have a fabulous Holiday filled with turkey and mashed potatoes and cranberry sauce and stuffing and whatever else you eat on Thanksgiving… even if that includes pea soup!

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November 16, 2012 · 6:52 pm

No More Twinkies

This is a sad and tragic milestone in our history.

I’m sure you have all heard about the imminent demise of the baked goods company Hostess, maker of the most iconic and delicious treat ever to grace this very earth… the Twinkie. I’m sure you are all also having sleepless nights, lying awake, plagued with concern that my goats will no longer be able to get a Twinkie every time you leave a comment on my blog.

Now as much as I’d like to jump on the bandwagon and blame yet another ridiculously outdated, greedy, asinine and out of touch Labor Union for destroying one more company on the ever shrinking list of U.S. manufacturers…

… I won’t … because frankly I feel I may be partially to blame here.

You see, I have not been writing much and thus, you my fabulous fans and readers have not been leaving comments on my blog and thus, my goats have not been getting nearly the volume of Twinkies that they used to get when I was writing four to five posts a week.  Now granted, my goats are likely much healthier but I think that this decrease in the volume of Twinkies they are consuming may be the root cause of why the Hostess company had to file for bankruptcy in the first place.

I don’t know…  it’s just a theory but I’m feeling a little guilty about it.

Now apparently the Hostess company is going to sell off the rights to some of the brand names that they manufacture, so perhaps Twinkies will resurface in some other incarnation of snack food. But it won’t be the same, it’s a Hostess Twinkie and that’s all it will ever be.

Tragic…

In any case, apparently this will be the last post of mine in which my goats will receive a Twinkie for every comment you leave.

So make it good…

Because they are not going to take this news lightly.

And if you have any thoughts about what I can give my goats now, every time you leave a comment, I’d welcome the suggestions.

 

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