Tag Archives: football

Let’s Have a Super Bowl Party!

Hey all, its Super Bowl time! As you know, the Super Bowl has become the only sporting event that is celebrated like a National Holiday. Hopefully you get the opportunity to enjoy this amazing event with family and friends. At Brown Road, we always celebrate Super Bowl Sunday with some new tailgate style recipes.

Here’s this year’s menu. We’ve thoroughly tested these recipes over the last week or so to be sure everything runs smoothly and so we could confidently share them with our readers. These recipes can be served with your choice of alcoholic or non-alcoholic beverages.

1.Bill Belichips

billichipsIngredients:
1 lb bag corn flour
2 cups snake oil
Red and blue food coloring

Instructions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Put corn flour, snake oil and 12.5 drops each of red and blue food coloring in a large mixing bowl
Quickly and discretely remove 2 drops of red and blue food coloring
Mix thoroughly
Once mixed place flour on counter top and spread thinly with a rolling pin
Cut into triangles and place on baking sheet
Place into oven for 30 minutes
Serve with your favorite salsa or guacamole

2. Pinocchio Breadsticks

pinnochio

Ingredients:
Go to the local Fazoli’s restaurant, order the cheapest thing on the menu and score as many free, unlimited breadsticks as you can carry in your pockets or hand bag

Instructions:
Bring them home and serve in your favorite Pinocchio breadstick dispenser

3. Seahawk Soup

seagullIngredients:
1 large onion diced
3 large carrots diced
5 stalks celery diced
1 large live Seahawk (you can catch these at the local landfill, they’re really just seagulls)
8 cups water

Instructions:
Mix all ingredients except live seahawk in a large pot and bring to a boil
Bring temperature down to a simmer
Place live Seahawk in pot and cover (similar to how you would cook a lobster)
Let simmer for one hour.
Serve with Pinnochio Breadsticks

4. Crotch Grab Croissants

croissantsIngredients:
1 tsp yeast
½ cup milk
1 tsp sugar
2 cups flour
1 seagull egg
1 tsp each Green and Blue food coloring

Instructions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Place all ingredients in a large mixing bowl
Reach down between your legs and hold your junk for 30 seconds like Marshawn Lynch
Without washing your hands, mix all ingredients in the bowl
Shape dough into croissant shapes and place on large baking sheet
Place in oven for 30 minutes
While croissants are cooking, stand in front of oven holding your junk again and repeating over and over “I’m just here so I don’t get fined.” This last step is important to ensure that the food coloring morphs into the proper imagery.

5. Tom Brady Brownies

brownies

Ingredients:
Any box brownie mix will do
8 oz premium marijuana

Instructions:
Prepare brownie mix per instructions on box
While preparing brownie mix, smoke one or two bongs of the marijuana
Place about ½ of the remaining marijuana into the brownie mix
Cook brownies per instructions on box
Continue smoking the marijuana
Tom Brady will magically appear on the brownies
Eat all of the brownies
Eat all of the rest of the food in the entire house

Hope you enjoy these fine recipes! Happy Super Bowl! Have fun and as always don’t drink and drive.

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Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get you today?

I fucking love coffee…

There, now that I have your attention, can I tell how much I love coffee?  I drink coffee all day long.  It doesn’t even have to be good coffee.  In reality, sometimes coffee doesn’t taste that good.  In fact, sometimes it tastes like shit… but I’ll still drink it… and plenty of it.  At work we drink plain old Maxwell House coffee with that white powdered “dairy product” creamer mixed in and I’ll down that stuff all day long.  I’m not sure why I drink so much coffee.  The caffeine buzz wore off years ago.  Maybe it’s my version of the cigarette, just an habitual thing.  Or maybe I’m addicted… or just bored.

I am also a fan though of good, high quality coffee.  My wife is a coffee snob so she always buys the little $8.00-$10.00 vacuum sealed bags of coffee when she shops for groceries, rather than the cheap oil-drum size cans of the name-brand products.  There are many of these exclusive brands available now, everything from Starbucks to Dunkin’ Donuts to the local grocery store brands, and it’s no doubt, better tasting stuff than what you get in the can.   We are also big fans of dropping $3-$4 bucks on Latte’s at Starbucks stores or at our local café or wherever we can get our shaking hands onto that warm, frothy cup of coffee ecstasy.

So, what’s my point?  When you go to Starbucks you have to place your order in their language.  The language of the coffee barista!  I don’t know what language it actually is… some of it sounds kind of French-y, some of it sounds kind of Italian-y.  So I guess it’s a combination of European cultural language sounds all wrapped up into one good ol’ American chain store.

We never order anything other than Medium Latte’s made with skim milk.  That’s not because we have been totally frightened off by the stifling pressure involved in ordering a Double Espresso Macchiato or an Espresso Con Panna or even an Iced Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha.  We just prefer Medium Latte’s with Skim Milk… good coffee, a little frothy milk, low-cal.

In Starbuck’s language a Medium Latte with Skim Milk is a Grande Non-Fat Latte.  Four pretty simple words all lined up in precise order.  Early on when Starbuck’s was just starting to build it’s seven billion locations, ordering was a challenge and after a couple visits where I actually exposed my complete ignorance and ordered a “medium latte with skim milk” I started to understand the language.  But I still struggled with it and I hated that the clerks were always sure to subtly correct me.

Starbucks drive through Employee:  “Good morning, what can I get you today?”

Me (nervous):  “Uh, yeah… I’d like a Non-Fat Grande Latte.”

Starbucks drive through Employee:  “A Grande, Non-Fat Latte?  Would you like anything to eat with that?”

Me (thinking, damn I fucked it up… again… maybe if I order a scone or something they won’t think I’m a complete hillbilly.  But I hate scones, they’re hard and nasty and like eating petrified bread.)  “Uh, yeah… can I have a blueberry muffin?”

Starbucks drive through Employee:  “Yes, a Grande, Non-Fat Latte and a blueberry muffin.  That will be $18.97.  Please drive around to the next window.”

Me: (thinking… next time I’m gonna nail it!)

Fast forward a few years and many successful Latte orders…

This past Sunday my wife and I were driving over to Detroit to see the Detroit Lions/Minnesota Vikings game at Ford Field.  I’ve been a Vikings fan since I was a kid and she bought me the tickets early in the fall for my birthday.  It’s about a 2 hour drive from where we live, so on the way there when our travel coffee cups ran dry we pulled off an exit and found a Starbucks where we could get some coffee.

As I pulled up to the drive through window, my wife jokingly says to me “make sure you say it right.”  That threw me into a fit of hysterical laughter… you know, one of those laughing fits where you just can’t stop!  Her too, and now the drive through speaker comes alive.

Starbucks drive through Employee:  “Good morning, what can I get you today?”

Me: (thinking, stop laughing you dumb ass!) “Yes, I’d like two Grande Non-Fat Latte’s…. (pause)……… Medium” 

As, I pull the car around to the pay-window, my wife still laughing says “the Grande IS the Medium.”

Good thing she loves me… we got a good laugh and had a nice day together at the game.

… and the next time I’m at a Starbucks… I’m gonna nail it!

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