Tag Archives: fashion

What kind of Sexual are you?

Disclaimer: This is not a post about SEX. If you arrived here looking for a post about SEX, I’m sorry you’ll have to look elsewhere. But please be sure you subscribe to my blog first.

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Lately I’ve been trying to figure out what kind of sexual I am. I’m not talking Heterosexual or Homosexual or Bisexual or even Asexual. I’m talking about these vague terms that describe the way we men-folk look and dress. Have you noticed, more and more frequently, there seems to be popping up (pun intended), lots of ways to describe men as “________sexual”.

Terms like Metrosexual and Ubersexual.

So I set out to do some research on what kind of sexual I am. I’ve often joked on this site about being a little bit Metrosexual. My nickname amongst my group of friends is “Metro” so I guess maybe I show some signs of fitting that bill. In small town Michigan I probably am a little bit Metrosexual. Put me in Manhattan and I’d probably be labeled frumpy.

metrosexual

Exhibit A: Metrosexual

According to Dictionary.com Metrosexual is defined as:

A heterosexual, usually urban male who pays much attention to his personal appearance and cultivates an upscale lifestyle.

Okay, that sort of works. I am heterosexual and I do often pay attention to my personal appearance as evidenced by the amount of hair product I go through every year. But I’m not really an urban male although I was for a little while many years ago. I guess sometimes I try to cultivate an upscale lifestyle although mostly I prefer my simple small-town lifestyle.

Maybe I’m more of a displaced Metrosexual, more of a Pastoralsexual.

I went looking for other possibilities and came across the category of men-folk classified as Ubersexual.

According to Dictionary.com Ubersexual is defined as:

A man who exhibits traditional masculine qualities as well as the caring nature of the New Man.

Huh?!? What does that even mean?!? I moved on.

Upon further research I discovered that a few months ago the category of men-folk classified as Lumbersexual started to become part of the vernacular. Now granted, how the terms “lumber” and “sexual” fit together is a stretch to most of us unless you want to make lots of jokes about hardwood. But I checked it out and it’s such a new concept that the term does not yet appear in any Dictionary.

But I found this tidbit on Gawker.com

To facilitate an easy discussion, it might help you to think of a Lumbersexual as a foil to the Metrosexual, the alleged nadir of masculinity from last decade. So, instead of slim-legged pants, envision pants with a little extra leg room (see: “regular cut”). Rather than be clean-shaven, the Lumbersexual has an unkempt beard. The Metrosexual is clean and pretty and well-groomed; the Lumbersexual spends the same amount of money, but looks filthy. Sartorially speaking, a Lumbersexual is a delicate tri-blend of L.L. Bean, Timberlake, and Sears.

Okay I thought, that sounds pretty good. Kind of a more rugged and manly metrosexual, an LL Bean type, who is allowed at times to be filthy. That sounded like it might be right up my alley, so I tried it out for a bit.

Lumbersexual

Exhibit B: Lumbersexual

It was all going great, I was feeling manly and filthy and lumbery.

Then one day a couple of weeks ago, I read about a new kind of man-folk called a Spornosexual, another exciting breed of masculinity sprung from the roots of the Metrosexual, and named from a combination of the words “sports” and “porno” and “sexual”.

Esquire Magazine described a Spornosexual as this, while referencing Brad Pitt’s appearance in the movie Fight Club:

The spornosexual is a more extreme breed of man than his metro forebear. He is just as plucked, tanned and moisturised, but leaner, buffer, more jacked and obsessed not just with “looking good” in the abstract, but with the actual physical proportions of his frame: the striation of his abs, the vascularity of his biceps, the definition of his calves.

WOW! That sounded exciting. Lean, buff, jacked, and looking good with striated abs and vascular biceps, whatever that stuff means. So I ripped off the heavy flannel shirt, took three showers to clean off all the accumulated filth, shaved the beard and started working out, three, four, sometimes five times a day. I’d finally found my calling. I was gonna be a “Spornosexual”.

Spornosexual

Exhibit C: Spornosexual

I had done it, I had found the kind of man-folk I wanted to be. I felt good, like Brad Pitt in Fight Club.

But then it all came crashing down. I was burnt out from trying to be something I wasn’t. I just wanted to just be a regular guy again, a husband, a Dad, a friend and a blogger. I wasn’t a Spornosexual or a Lumbersexual or a Ubersexual or even a Metrosexual.

I just wanted to be a regular guy. Because who needs labels anyway?

So, that’s what I did.

And you have to admit, there’s something sexy about that!

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A Guide For Men: Five Rules for Wearing T-Shirts

Whether we like it or not, the basic men’s t-shirt has become the apparel piece of choice for most of us guys when we are everywhere other than at work, out on the town or anywhere else where some more adult fashion sense should be adopted. Glenn O’Brien who writes a column for GQ magazine, has called the imprinted t-shirt “the worst thing that has ever happened to Men’s Fashion”. I struggle with this a little, as I make my living selling imprinted apparel to college bookstores, high schools and other retailers. That being said, it’s very infrequent that I actually wear imprinted t-shirts.

Just not my thing, I guess.

In any case, the t-shirt is clearly here to stay.

So, here’s my Guide for Men: Five Rules for Wearing T-shirts.

5. A t-shirt should fit you properly, slightly fitted but not skin tight. Sleeves should fall somewhere around the middle to lower portion of your bicep. The waistband should rest on your hips. It can bunch up slightly, but it should not cover your ass. A good rule of thumb is if your t-shirt sleeves are covering your elbows and/or touching your forearms, it’s probably too big.

4. Unless you are wearing a t-shirt as part of a uniform, you should NEVER tuck it into your shorts or pants. If you are wearing a US Marine Corp t-shirt with your Marine issued fatigues or a Scout uniform, or a work uniform, any of which likely requires a specific uniform belt, then sure, go ahead and tuck it in. If you are wearing a t-shirt with your Madras cargo shorts and you have it tucked in and you’re wearing a belt, you look like a dork. Never tuck in a t-shirt. Unless you also wear socks with your sandals. In that case, we’ve already lost you and you can do whatever you want.

3. If you are over age 30, you should limit (not eliminate, just limit) your wearing of t-shirts imprinted with sports teams, colleges, rock bands, tourist attractions, Abercrombie and Fitch or Hollister logos, stupid adolescent jokes, offensive slangs, giant flying Eagle images stretched over the back shoulders, skulls and crossbones, company logos (that you got free at your last work conference), etc. Sure, if you are at a professional sporting event, or rooting on your favorite team, or even your kids sporting event, proudly wear the team colors! But sorry, after age 30 you have definitely become an adult. Stop dressing like you’re twelve.

2. NEVER wear t-shirts that don’t have sleeves unless you are cutting your grass or doing other work around your house, or leading a meeting of the board of directors at a white trash trailer park. There’s a reason these shirts have been dubbed “wife-beaters”. This includes tank tops too. T-shirts also shouldn’t have pockets on the front. Seriously, what the hell could you possibly want to put in that pocket?

1. Cotton t-shirts still reign supreme. I know Under Armour style performance wear has become the latest trend. I get it, the fabric is typically soft and comfortable and it wicks away sweat if you are doing something athletic. But are you really doing something athletic? Plus, people are also finding out that performance wear fabrics eventually start to hold your stink, even after they have been repeatedly washed. Who needs that? Being smelly is okay if you are at the gym, not so much if you are hanging out with your buddies.

So next time you decide to buy a t-shirt, find one that fits properly, that isn’t imprinted, that has both sleeves and no pockets and that is made from good, high quality cotton. White is a good color.

And for God’s Sake, don’t tuck it in!

*Unless it’s one of these t-shirts! 🙂

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