Sunday Search Term Limericks

Here’s five fun limericks based on some of this weeks most intriguing search terms. Warning: may contain R-rated material and potty jokes and/or references to Men from Nantucket.

The links are where these folks likely ended up.

1.
“Peanut butter and jelly fine dining”
You searched this as your wife was pining
For a meal with her beau
But you had little dough
And your chances of sex were declining

2.
You didn’t know quite what to do
You had clogged up your girlfriends loo
So while staring at turds
You typed in the words
“flushing an unflushable poo”

3.
You had run over someone’s cat
The sound it made, something like SPLAT!
Now your tire looked low
But you didn’t quite know
So you searched the words “is my tire flat”

4.
You pulled out your favorite tubes
From your basket of sexual lubes
But something was creeping
A rodent was peeping
So you searched “squirrel looking at boobs”

5.
You were selected to be on a panel
For a show on the Hillbilly channel
But your knowledge was short
Of your part to report
So you searched “stoned goat wearing flannel”

Perhaps I’ll have to turn this into a weekly feature! Your challenge? Write me a limerick from one of your recent funny search terms. It’s harder than you might think!

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Brown Road Laundry Graph

 

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The Child-Bearing Card

There is a longstanding, ongoing debate about who is tougher, men or women. Men, of course, stake their claim of toughness on, well, just being men. Women on the other hand often think that their husbands are sissies, just because we happen to moan and cry occasionally while lying feebly on the couch every time we have a head cold. During these moments of male pity seeking, women will often pull the child-bearing card.

In fact this and similar scenarios have been played out millions of times over the centuries.

For example:

Current Era:

Man: Hey babe,  I think I better drive myself to the emergency room, I just severed my whole arm off with my chainsaw while cutting up that 200 ft oak tree that fell during the tornadoes.

Woman: Do you need me to take you?

Man: No, its pretty painful and there’s some tendons hanging out, but I think I can get there.

Woman: You big baby… you know, I carried two babies, nine months each and had to push them out through my vagina. That’s what pain is!

Civil War Era:

Man: My sweet love, I am home from war.

Woman: Oh my sweet love, my life is complete again. You have been wounded.

Man: Yes, my darling, as you can see my legs are missing? I had to amputate both of them myself, out in the battlefield with nothing but a rusty hunting knife and a flask of whiskey. It was awful, the pain will haunt me for an eternity. But, my love, we won the war and saved the union, that’s what matters most.

Woman: You big baby… you know, I carried four babies nine months each and had to push them out through my vagina. That’s what pain is!

Medieval Era:

Man: Oh ye beautiful damsel, by nothing but God’s grace I am here to free thee from this hellish captivity. I have battled and slayed the three mighty dragons that guarded these wards. I have been burned by thine fiery breath and I have swam through crocodile and piranha infested waters.

Woman: Oh, thine Knight, ye have saved me from this Hell on Earth. Take me and we will live in eternal love.

Man: Ye beautiful damsel, I am wounded badly, but ye are free. Take thee steed and ride away, I must die here from thine wounds.

Woman: Ye big baby… ye know, I carried six babies nine months each and had to push them out through thine vagina. That’s what thine pain is!

Paleolithic era:

Caveman: “Oog…” (points at self) “Onk trampled… Onk hunting…” (runs in place) “stampede… Oog… Mammoths… Onk almost dead… Onk still bring food…” (points at dead mammoth)… (points at Gronk) “Gronk still eat…”

Cavewoman: “Oog… (pretends to wipe tears) “Onk big baby… Gronk eight baby” (holds up eight fingers)… “Oog… Gronk push…” (points at vagina)… “Gronk eight” (holds up eight fingers)… “Oog… Ouch!”

So I’m here to defend my fellow caveman… uhhh, I mean…man.

Look, we get it! Having a baby is some serious business! It defies the Laws of Physics… and Math… and Law itself… and maybe even English. In fact, I’ve witnessed it… close up… and I still have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the gory sight. We appreciate you ladies taking the lead on this one.  Seriously! We’re glad we’ll never have to experience birthing a child.

But let’s face it, there’s some pretty tough guys out there. The soldiers that are fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan… pretty tough. Those firefighters that ran INTO the burning world trade centers… pretty tough. The list could go on and on. Of course there are females in the ranks of those examples too, and maybe they’ve even had to defy the Laws of Physics… and Math… and Law… and maybe even English, and birth a child. They’re tough too! No one really wins this discussion.

And maybe your husband, boyfriend, or whoever isn’t the manliest guy in the world. I know I’m sure not! But I bet when push came to shove, he’d jump in front of a flying bullet… or carry you or your kids out of a burning building… or if he could, bear the burden of any pain you might be experiencing.

‘Cause that’s what guys do… well… most guys anyway.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a really painful hangnail I have to go deal with!

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A lifetime of pets

Her name was Boo.

Boo was the first pet I remember in my life. She was a big, beautiful Maine Coon Cat, her fur a combination of Gold and Brown and Black and Yellow. She was not weird like a lot of cats can be. She didn’t scurry away from people when they tried to interact with her. She wasn’t arrogant and independent like so many cats are. She just lived. When inside, she was a lap cat, curled up with whoever would welcome her. When outside, she was a vicious hunter who would leave mice and chipmunks and birds and rabbits on our doorsteps… or at least the parts that hadn’t been consumed.

I don’t remember where the name Boo came from. I think the story goes that my brothers chose the name.  Our family adopted Boo from my grandmother’s home, either shortly before I was born or shortly after, I don’t really know. I imagine the naming was one of those stories that ends with the conclusion “don’t let your toddler children choose your pet’s name… you’ll have to live with it a long time!”

Boo was a family cat, but mostly she was my father’s cat. That he was so attached to her is notable because it is a side of him that growing up I really never knew existed, that sensitive, animal loving side.  He fed her and made sure she was let in and out of the house, and begrudgingly went into the basement and cleaned the litter boxes.  He cared for her in that way that fathers often show love for something… more as a responsibility than a joy.  But still he did it, day after day after day.

Boo died when I was in college when she was likely approaching about twenty years of age. She didn’t have to be euthanized, she just went down into the basement and quietly passed away.  Okay, it wasn’t really quietly, according to my older brother and my father, who were home at the time, she spent awhile making this horrible sound they described as “leedle, leedle, leedle”… and then she died.  I could never imagine a cat making that sound and suspect in cat speak she was saying “why in the hell don’t you people put me down!” But it’s hard to make that decision to put an animal down and I suspect, as is so often the case, denial was involved.  Immediately after she died, being the type of family who would rather celebrate life than mourn death, my brother and father cracked open a very old bottle of Johnnie Walker scotch that had been aging in the basement and proceeded to drink most of it. The wooden box that held the bottle became Boo’s casket and she was buried in the back yard.

I’ve had pets around my entire life, dogs, cats, fish… and now goats and a horse. I’ll admit I’m not an animal person like my wife is and like my mother was before she passed away.  It’s not that I don’t get attached to the animals that end up in our home, how can you not? If I didn’t have pet people in my life, though, I’m not sure I would ever take the initiative on my own to go out and get a pet. That’s not an anti-animal stance, just perhaps an innate laziness that pervades my life. But in a democratic family situation, the lazy traditionally get outvoted.

I tried writing down the names of all the animals that have been pets in my life and came up with the following list… not necessarily in the proper order.

Boo (cat); Smokey (dog); Tiger (dog); Little (cat); Sam (cat); Cadie, real name Acadia (Cat); Camden (cat); Hanna (dog); Gypsy (cat); Clio (dog); Mama Kitty (cat); Ashley (cat); Sarge (dog); Shadow (cat); Naughty and Heath (goats); and Jack (horse).

There are stories behind each and every one of these animals that will stay with me through the rest of my life. Tiger, the dog I grew up with, a grayish black cockapoo, in the throes of old age went outside and fell in our swimming pool. My grandmother who was visiting and the only one home at the time called 911 who responded, pulled the dog from the water and asked “do you want us to try to revive him?”

“No, I’m pretty sure he’s gone” my grandmother replied.

Gypsy was an outdoor black cat who showed up on our property shortly after we bought our house here on Brown Road. Upon initial veterinary inspection she was diagnosed with Feline Leukemia, a mostly lethal condition in cats. Then, upon a second veterinary inspection she had miraculously been cured! Although this didn’t change my beliefs in “miracles” we did get a few years out of her until she was hit by a car during one of our vacations. A few days after returning home and not finding her around, we called our neighbor down the street and asked if perhaps he had seen our black cat. In true country-bumpkin fashion he told us “yep, she’s dead, just down the road from your house.”  Thanks… ummm… were you planning on sharing that with us?

Of course, my regular readers have read a story or two about our goats, Naughty and Heath, two animals that I could never have imagined growing attached to, but who have now earned just as much respect in my family’s lineage of pets as all of their predecessors. The stories could go on and on.

About a month ago we had to put down our dog Sarge, the 2nd St. Bernard my wife and I have owned. Both of these dogs died early, as large dogs have a tendency to do. Although he was messy and often in the way, Sarge was a gentle beast, a 200 lb. animal with slobbery, dripping jowls, a head the size of an oversize football helmet and soulful eyes that allowed you to look inside his very being and see an animal that wanted only to be a part of our family. One day, he stopped eating, and eventually reached the point where he could no longer get up. Sarge was my wife’s baby and she, being the amazing, caring person she is, with the help of our veterinarian, managed to get him to the office where they discovered his heart was failing and he was euthanized.

In our younger days, perhaps we would have cracked open a bottle of Johnnie Walker scotch and drained the bottle and maybe we should have. We are still a family that would much rather celebrate life than mourn death, but these days our lives are so hectic that sometimes we even forget to spend a moment to memorialize a lost pet.  We now have the ashes of both St. Bernards in decorative boxes in our house along with a small canister of ashes from my mother who died in 2002. One of these days we’ll get around to spreading all of these ashes somewhere on our property. I’m reasonably confident my mother wouldn’t mind being buried with a couple of slobbery St. Bernards.  Not that Sarge, or any of our previous pets will be forgotten. They all, in their own way, have become memories in this script that we call our lives. A script that takes us through highs and lows and happiness and sadness and that unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, we don’t get the option of reading ahead to find out what will happen next.

Our pet count these days is down to only six, three cats, two goats, and a horse which is boarded at a farm a few miles away from us. I’ll be honest in admitting that right now I’m okay with temporarily not having a dog, not having to clean up the yard and having a slightly lower volume of pet hair in the house.

I use the word temporarily though because as I said before, in a democratic family situation, the lazy traditionally get outvoted.

I imagine that in the near future, there will be an election coming up.

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