Tag Archives: birthing

The Child-Bearing Card

There is a longstanding, ongoing debate about who is tougher, men or women. Men, of course, stake their claim of toughness on, well, just being men. Women on the other hand often think that their husbands are sissies, just because we happen to moan and cry occasionally while lying feebly on the couch every time we have a head cold. During these moments of male pity seeking, women will often pull the child-bearing card.

In fact this and similar scenarios have been played out millions of times over the centuries.

For example:

Current Era:

Man: Hey babe,  I think I better drive myself to the emergency room, I just severed my whole arm off with my chainsaw while cutting up that 200 ft oak tree that fell during the tornadoes.

Woman: Do you need me to take you?

Man: No, its pretty painful and there’s some tendons hanging out, but I think I can get there.

Woman: You big baby… you know, I carried two babies, nine months each and had to push them out through my vagina. That’s what pain is!

Civil War Era:

Man: My sweet love, I am home from war.

Woman: Oh my sweet love, my life is complete again. You have been wounded.

Man: Yes, my darling, as you can see my legs are missing? I had to amputate both of them myself, out in the battlefield with nothing but a rusty hunting knife and a flask of whiskey. It was awful, the pain will haunt me for an eternity. But, my love, we won the war and saved the union, that’s what matters most.

Woman: You big baby… you know, I carried four babies nine months each and had to push them out through my vagina. That’s what pain is!

Medieval Era:

Man: Oh ye beautiful damsel, by nothing but God’s grace I am here to free thee from this hellish captivity. I have battled and slayed the three mighty dragons that guarded these wards. I have been burned by thine fiery breath and I have swam through crocodile and piranha infested waters.

Woman: Oh, thine Knight, ye have saved me from this Hell on Earth. Take me and we will live in eternal love.

Man: Ye beautiful damsel, I am wounded badly, but ye are free. Take thee steed and ride away, I must die here from thine wounds.

Woman: Ye big baby… ye know, I carried six babies nine months each and had to push them out through thine vagina. That’s what thine pain is!

Paleolithic era:

Caveman: “Oog…” (points at self) “Onk trampled… Onk hunting…” (runs in place) “stampede… Oog… Mammoths… Onk almost dead… Onk still bring food…” (points at dead mammoth)… (points at Gronk) “Gronk still eat…”

Cavewoman: “Oog… (pretends to wipe tears) “Onk big baby… Gronk eight baby” (holds up eight fingers)… “Oog… Gronk push…” (points at vagina)… “Gronk eight” (holds up eight fingers)… “Oog… Ouch!”

So I’m here to defend my fellow caveman… uhhh, I mean…man.

Look, we get it! Having a baby is some serious business! It defies the Laws of Physics… and Math… and Law itself… and maybe even English. In fact, I’ve witnessed it… close up… and I still have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the gory sight. We appreciate you ladies taking the lead on this one.  Seriously! We’re glad we’ll never have to experience birthing a child.

But let’s face it, there’s some pretty tough guys out there. The soldiers that are fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan… pretty tough. Those firefighters that ran INTO the burning world trade centers… pretty tough. The list could go on and on. Of course there are females in the ranks of those examples too, and maybe they’ve even had to defy the Laws of Physics… and Math… and Law… and maybe even English, and birth a child. They’re tough too! No one really wins this discussion.

And maybe your husband, boyfriend, or whoever isn’t the manliest guy in the world. I know I’m sure not! But I bet when push came to shove, he’d jump in front of a flying bullet… or carry you or your kids out of a burning building… or if he could, bear the burden of any pain you might be experiencing.

‘Cause that’s what guys do… well… most guys anyway.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a really painful hangnail I have to go deal with!


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